Acts of Gord - The Tales of a Videogame Store Owner

[bad_ronald]

This site is absolutely hilarious; I'll post some highlights then provide the link .

If Only Gord Was More Thankful

<Ring>

"Hello?"

"Yes, this is Gord from Gamer's Edge calling. I'm phoning with regards to the PlayStation you returned yesterday. The system came back, but games did not. Did you forget them or will you be keeping the games for extra days?"

"You got the system back, that's the important part."

"Yes, yes it is. That's why I'm only phoning about the games."

"What do the games matter? You got the system back. That's the expensive part."

"I'm only asking when you'll be bringing the games back in case you did not realize they were not returned."

"What does it matter if I don't bring the games back? They are cheap compared to the cost of a PlayStation."

"So I should be thankful you brought back $200 worth of hardware that you rented for $5, and forgive you for not returning $75 worth of software?"

"They're only games."

"Your credit card will be billed for the games you just bought. Good day sir."

"Wait!"

<click>

<Credit card billed>

I Can't Read Your Crazy Moon Language!

"Could you order me in a copy of Final Fantasy 9 from Japan? I don't want to wait till it comes out here."

"Uhm, sure. It'll be about $95 for a new copy imported from Japan, and it'll take about two weeks."

(Game arrives, customer buys, and customer returns.)

"Hey! I can't read the game! It's in Chinese!"

"Actually, it's in Japanese. Being it's a Japanese game, for Japanese gamers, in Japan."

"I can't read it."

"Well, just what did you think the game would be in? English?"

"They should be."

"I'll let them know."

Note To Self:

Talking to a person about being into the hardcore gaming scene is completely different than talking to them about the hardcore anime scene. In future, I must find a new adjective.

And do not, I repeat, do not say "if she is really into the hardcore anime scene, I can get import DVD's from Japan and Hong Kong" when I'm talking to a 14 year old girl's mother.

Further notation: Do not attempt to salvage this by then saying "I mean, I can get DVD's from Japan that you can't get here."

Next time, say "really likes anime" and "can get DVD's not on sale here yet."

Nintendo Makes You Stupid
"I'd like to buy this game."

"Very well then, that will be $45.60 with tax. Also, do you have a memory expansion for your Nintendo 64? Perfect dark requires it."

"I do."

"Are you sure? It's one of these units that plugs into here."

Gord proceeds to show the customer what he's talking about as the customer doesn't look so bright by holding a Nintendo 64 up and pointing to the memory expansion slot.

Customer leaves, returns with parent. Speech repeats with mother.

They leave content.

Next day, the customer returns.

"This game doesn't fit my machine."

Gord plugs it into his Nintendo 64.

"Seems to fit into mine. Does your machine work with other games?"

"Yes, see?"

<Dramatic Pause>

"Sir, that is a GameBoy Advance."

"Perfect Dark didn't fit!"

"Well, yes, I suppose it wouldn't. So when I held up a Nintendo 64 and pointed out things on it, you didn't say 'that doesn't look like my machine' because…?"

The Acts of Gord - The site has many funny snippets, post your favorites for all to view . Note: you have to select one of the books from the panel on the left to access his conversations/observations. There is also a comic based on some of the stories here.

 

[ybbor]

Customer walks into the store to speak to the Gord.

"I have been looking for Megaman X4 forever! I've looked everywhere! I really, really want it. Do you have it?"

"Yes."

"New, used, or rental?"

"Yes. All of the above."

"Ah good." And then he leaves.

"Err… Ok…."

Some people when faced with the end of a journey simply decide to begin anew I guess.

"Do you sell mod chips?"

"Go ahead, ask me what I sell."

"What do you sell?"

"I sell video games. What a stupid question."

"What does a mod chip cost?"

"Apparently one of us isn't keeping up."

"What do you mean?"

"If I sold you a mod chip, then you would never buy a game from me ever again. And that would be very much in opposition to my being able to run a profitable business."

"I just want one to play copied games."

"What? Do I look like an idiot? What the hell did you think I thought you wanted it for?"

"err…"

"Exactly. Now look, if I were to sell you a mod chip I would lose you as a customer. Now, if I were going to lose you as a customer I'd rather do it on a high note like setting you on fire. At least then I would have some satisfaction of a job well done."

"I'm leaving!"

"But I haven't set you on fire yet!"

[qute]So the Gord puts up a sign over his used games available for sale that reads "Recycled Fun!"

"Do you have any used games for sale."

The Gord points to the games by the door.

"I said used, not recycled."

"Those are the used games."

"No they aren't! The sign clearly says they are recycled. I don't want a game that was recycled, I want a used one."
[/quote]

 

[Maniacal]

The message you have entered is too short. Please lengthen your message to at least 10 characters.

Used Controllers

"Do you have any used dual shock controllers?"

No I don't.

"Yes you do!"

I do?

"Right there!"

Those are the controllers for the demo machine.

"And right there!"

Those belong to the rental units.

"Just sell me one of those."

And what would I use for rental machines?

"You could open new ones for those. "

Uhm, no.

"Why don't you have any used controllers?"

Because they usually only come in with a used machine. As such, I sell them with the machines.

"So sell me one of those."

And sell the machine with no controllers? That'll go over well.

"You don't want my business!"

How about I sell you something I have in stock like a new controller?

"I'll take my business elsewhere."

Would you mind? I would appreciate that.

 

[Dr. Yoshi]

I love the book of Victory! I wonder where this guy's store is.

 

[Apollo]

I wonder where this guy's store is.

One of the stories mentions the store is in Penticton. That's a town in central British Columbia, Canada, in the Okanagon Valley, just north of the Washington State border. I've been there a couple times; it's just your average small agricultural town. A lot of minimum-wage orchard and vinyard workers there.

 

[blindside]

Funny stuff but I picture this guy like the comic book geek in the Simpsons.

 

[Lozzy_Ozzy]

I'm going to buy a game shop now .

 

[Turner]

That Would Be A Bad Sound

Gord is looking at some new rental cases that have arrived at the store for possible purchase. These were the slim line ones often found in CDR packages today, but were still quite new at the time. A soft, bendable plastic that won't shatter when dropped.

"Thinking of using these as new rental cases Gord?"

"Possibly. They are sexy and I can fit twice as many in a drawer, but I'm not sure about if they'll keep the CD from being bent."

"Ya, I see what you mean, all it takes is someone to do this and...."

<SNAP>

<Dramatic pause>

"....uhm... Sorry Gord."

"Please say that was a demo CD."

<Dramatic Pause>

"... I'm really, really sorry..."

Gord decided to stick with regular jewel cases until he migrated to DVD cases in mid 2001.

I can just see the look on his face....

 

[The Omega]

This has inspired me to get a game store of my own..... I love the book of Villany.......

 

[ybbor]

The message you have entered is too short. Please lengthen your message to at least 10 characters.

Gord has his computer and MP3 love action wired into his stereo and with it, he can wield much music love action all around the store!

And with part of this, he also has a headset wired into his computer. Primarily used for networked gaming, it can also be used to make Gord into DJ Gord!

And DJ Gord was on the good. Music was booming, games were playing, the good times were all about. And then a new customer walked in the door.

And over the speakers bellowed "Welcome to the Player's Edge, the hottest nightclub in town! I'm DJ Gord, and I'm dealing up fun-o-tainment!"

Customer turns and leaves

"So what's wrong with your PlayStation?"

"Well, it was working one day, and then today it wasn't. Could you fix it?"

"I guess I can take a look at it."

"Can you do that right now?"

"uhm, sure, I guess."

Gord opens the PlayStation up.

"Well, there is your problem. A ******** monkey with a soldering iron tried to put in a mod chip. I'd like to say I've seen a worse soldering job, but I'd be lying. Usually soldering doesn't cover an entire chip in solder."

"Uhm… I didn't do that."

"I never said you did. I blamed a ******** monkey."

"So how did that happen?"

"A ******** monkey with a soldering iron."

Customer walks in smoking.

"Sir, this is a non-smoking store."

"This place was better back when you let people smoke here!"

"It's always been non-smoking."

"No it wasn't."

"Yes, yes it was. Being that it has always been my store and since day one it was non-smoking. Plus, city bylaws dictate that all retail establishments are to be non-smoking."

"You're just saying that so I won't smoke."

"You're right. You got me. You've seen right through my evil plan."

"I'm glad we came to an understanding."

"However the evil plan is still in effect. No smoking."

What does it take to sign up an account?"

"ID and credit card."

"What if I have no credit card?"

"Drivers licence and a social insurance number."

"Well, I brought my phone bill to show where I live and my name."

"... Sir, this is a disconnection notice for your phone."

"If someone rents something and doesn't bring it back, what do you do?"

"The account is forwarded to collections."

"Ah, ok then. I'd like to rent these four games for a night please."

Gord sees that all the games are new releases, and multi-CD games.

"Do you have an account?"

"Nope, what do you need."

"ID and a credit card."

"Why a credit card?"

"Take a guess. In a book, it's called foreshadowing."

"What game is that you're playing?"

"StarCraft."

"Is that Johnny Cash I hear?"

"Yep. A little Ring of Fire."

"Why are you listening to Johnny Cash while playing StarCraft?"

"Because I'm just that cool. And losing. But mostly the cool."

"I'd like to rent this game please."

"Do you have an account?"

"No. But I'd like to sign up one."

"Very well. Driver's licence and credit card please."

<dramatic pause>

"I have a school book with my name on it."

"Your parents must be so proud."

"This is Gord calling from Gamer's Edge. Just informing you that Devil Dice is late by a week."

"Actually, I lost it. What will it cost me to replace?"

"Twenty-four dollars."

"That's cheap. Uhm... Can I have the case since you won't need it anymore... Just in case it turns up one day... You know how kids are..."

"Sir, while Devil Dice is an uncommon game, I have them in stock brand new for $30."

"Really?"

"Really. Wouldn't you prefer buying a new one?"

"Oh, in that case I'll be right down with your game. Can you hold a new copy for me?"

"No problem."

 

[Aphex_Twin]

Quite nice, but the idea is much older. Anyone know about the BOFH?

http://bofh.ntk.net/Bastard.html

 

[Padma]

@Aphex_Twin: I used to read about the BOFH 20 years ago.

 

[Aphex_Twin]

@Aphex_Twin: I used to read about the BOFH 20 years ago.

About the time I was born. Damn, you are old

 

[Padma]

Well, they don't call me "Grandpa" because of my youth!

 

[Jawz II]

my favourite:

"We would like a quote for the front page of the newspaper talking about videogame violence, and it's possible impact on society."

"Video games don't make people more violent, and I'll kill anyone who disagrees."

<dramatic pause>

"I don't think we can print that."

 

[Turner]

I've been reading BOFH for about two years now. Awesome!

 

[Bacon King]

And the winner of the tournament won the controllers that were opened for the tournament (worth $80), and $20 in cash. Second place was a can of coke and an autographed picture of Gord. Third place was $20.

The Gord likes to remind people that second place is just the first loser.

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