America- Today! V. 1
RUSSIAN MENACE HITS THE BOTTLE AGAIN
Someone's Been Drunk Treaty-Signing
Part 1, Written by Christopher Beltrout
Every woman in Russia is believed to look like this.
Don't bother checking the date on top of this paper. It's
not 1948. Yes indeed, the year is 2035, and once again our dear old alcoholic Russian cousins have popped out of the closet of "uselessness" they've been hiding in since 1991, and put themselves into the more apt "irrelevant" place at the family dinner table. That being said, allow for me to explain myself.
Disturbing news came out of China recently; front page, Beijing Times. The article was about AIDs evidently being found in the paint on some dollar-store children's toys being sold in the Good Ole' United States.
But that happens everyday Chris! This isn't news!. Well readers, I dare you to flip to the
next page of the Newspaper. That's right. Article B2 of the Beijing Times "The FEAR Alliance cemented". I'll leave you a moment to gasp, and attempt to understand how this might be possibly important sort of in the future (with a maybe tossed in there.) This alliance, called FEAR (apparently as part of a poorly attempted reference or rip-off of the nationally syndicated Imago Show) will encompass most of Northern and East Asia.
You know, places we don't care about?
While many of you brave, patriotic souls at home aren't at all startled, amused and are probably just about as complacent as can be, with this ground-breaking news development, this could potentially affect
you sitting at home. Did I get your attention yet? No? Actually, that's probably good. Because that was a lie. You don't need to worry. Really. Realistically, the only times that any Russian will put down their bottles of Vodka is to either walk to the local communal Vodka distribution center, or to beat their wives (or themselves if they happen to be a wife.). They may also do both. It's hard to say. The Russian leadership is usually tight-lipped about the habits of their countrymen, and contact with Moscow has been recently tense at best, ever since President Harris blocked Chancellor Sverstikov's phone number after a slew of belligerent and possibly sexually confusing drunk texts. Just in case things get more heated with ourselves and definitely-not-Soviet Union-Russia, President Harris has ordered Secretary of Defense Edward James Olmos to point any and all available missiles at Red Square as a deterrence against increased Russian drunkenness. The Russian foreign ministry department has evidently made a two way telephone with some yarn found in Sverstikov's "blankie" (known affectionately by Uncle Anton as his Тысячевосьмисотвосьмидесятидевятимикрометровый
and two American-made Party Cups to discuss the matter more directly with Secretary Fulton, but have been unable to stretch the phone out of the Kremlin. They seem to be intently working though, so only time will tell whether these hostilities will subside, or.. well, let's be real here; the Russians will probably forget about it.
I've heard that the saying goes, Russians drink to forget that they're Russians. Well, I say Russians drink because they're terrible people. Take
that Uncle Anton.
MEXICO HALTS DRUG WAR FOR REVOLUTION
Or was that the other way around?
Written by Samantha Jones
High on Patriotism or Coke; It's Mexico, Who Knows?
We wouldn't be doing our due diligence as a newspaper if we didn't report on the comings-and-goings of our neighbors to the south. With that the case, we are pleased to announce that the Drug War and or Revolution in Mexico has ceased, in the wake of the outbreak of another Revolution and or Drug War. If we seem a little bit shaky on as to what exactly is happening in Mexico, you'd be quite correct in your observation. You see, the shining legacy of the Spanish Empire has thrown us a curve-ball this time. Well, every time. But this time especially. Last week shots rang out in Mexico City to celebrate the fact that the sun was indeed coming back up. Or something. It's Mexico after all, and shots ringing out is about as normal as a Russian beating his wife. (see previous Article)
Any Reason to Celebrate, Huh Mexico?
It just so happens that one of these joyous shots managed to hit one of Mexico's four police offers right in the head, killing the poor man instantly. The obvious reaction among the poor, down-trodden masses in the city was to have a bloody, violent, confusing revolution. Or a drug war. For money. We can't tell. Regardless, hundreds of men began raising personal armies in an attempt to play King of the Hill with the Presidential Palace. The fighting has been particularly vicious, and every-time a presidential/drug-king pin front-runner manages to almost secure the position of "Dictator-for-3-to-6 Months" for himself, dies a particularly brutal death, either at the hands of an opposing candidate/drug-king pin, or at the hands of a once trusted, now bitter and jealous second-in-command. Viva la Mexicano Politic..o's.
The Current Front-Runner Juan Carlos De Los Parlotes De Amadeo y Monterrey III
While this has been a boon for "Survivor: Mexico City", it has made the lives of many Mexicans worse. Well, maybe not worse. Certainly not any more dangerous. Perhaps more inconvenient? Yeah, that's it. More inconvenient. The "architectural wonders" of the city have been all-but-burned down, revealing the disgustingly horrific Aztec-buildings they were constructed to hide. Gross! The slums have become slums riddled with dead Mexicans, rather than starving ones. And even the American consulate has had a trashcan stolen. Things have escalated quickly here in Mexico, and Secretary of State Charles S. Fulton has issued a general warning to stay clear of this hot-tamale of a nation.
Unless you're at a resort. Then you're solid.
Like You'd F**king Go Anywhere Else.
AMERICA SIGNS JOS CONCORDAT
Told You We Weren't Racist
Written by Alfred Lenning
Would A Racist Listen To Jazzy Jeff? Nope. Thought so.
Let me preface this by saying that this isn't about trying to prove we're not racist.
Okay, you caught me. It definitely is. You know how you always say you're not racist because you have "a black friend"? Well, this time, you do. Or rather,
we do. Nigeria and Charles S. Fulton have worked out a deal basically making us
homeboys business associates for life. Take a second to fist pound the nearest person to you. Unless they are of the African heritage. Then that's in that racist grey zone. You're gonna want to stay away from that grey zone. Especially now that we have new Nigerian friends! And we tight, yo.
We've Even Given Their Prince Our Credit Info!
You see, it all started way back when Nigeria looked around, and realized we weren't the only terrible nation out there. Japan was alright, but a little too Earth-quaky for Holy Father President Peter Joseph I's liking. Europe is too rave-y for his liking, and South America is like a terrible parody of Mexico. Which is like a terrible parody of hell. So short of attempting to broker another drunk treaty with Russia, Holy Father President Peter Joseph I looked over and saw no choice but to align himself with the shining beacon of light, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Also a Will Smith Movie. America-2: Racism-0
And boy what a great decision it was. America has a long history of being accepting of other cultures, and it just so happens Nigeria is a different culture. A very different culture. Nigeria also has a long history of loving the United States, something we also have in common. They are God-loving Christians, and we are God-fearing Christians. They are really into
Football, and we're really into
Football. By any standard, it would have been a no-brainer for our two states to ally themselves. It is figuratively (and literally) a match made in heaven (thanks big guy upstairs!). The benefits of allying themselves with us, include us being willing to save them from the evil grips of whatever issues may befall them, and they will provide us with oil. A lot of it. And if America loves and needs more of any one thing, it's oil.
The ground-breaking alliance has already put fear into the hearts of our enemies, and hopefully our relationship will continue to flourish like the rose it is.
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PAGE 2.
SOUTH AMERICA LIVES IN SHADOW OF COLONIAL PAST
Spanish/Portuguese Colonial Past Lives In The Shadow of the Rest of Europe's
Written by John Louise
PAGE 2.
SOUTH AFRICA: "Slavery Isn't so Bad!"
We've All Been Down That Road Before
Written by Jerry Whittle
PAGE 3.
WE'VE REACHED OUT TO JAPAN
Questionable Octopus Tentacle Reached Back
Written by Kelly Wyatt
PAGE 3.
EUROPE NOT THAT BAD
Says Teen Who Intends to Backpack Across It Sometime
Written by Luke Jolee
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To: Nigeria
From: The United States
