To: The East Indies
From: The Nation That Saved Your Pathetic People From Japanese Enslavement, Because You Were Too Weak And Feeble To Fight For Yourselves. And You Were Conquered By The Dutch. I Mean Seriously. That's Embarrassing.
First off, you should still be a colony. That being said, we at no point said Moslems are terrorists. We might think they have terroristic tendencies (by and large). And perhaps they worship a false God (which they definitely do). But we don't think all Moslem's are terrorists. Just a generally large amount of them happen to enjoy destroying anything that is has semblance of modern, proper, western civilization. That they chose to live and revel in their own barbarity might be hilarious to us, but is hardly equatable to terrorism. That's completely besides the point. The sexual prowess of Person of Interest X is well known among the international community; meaning your father is either a liar, or a "client". Based off of the particular skill set Person of Interest X brings to the table, we're going to imagine it's the latter. Don't fret, my friends, Person of Interest X is really that good. Rumors that she is dead are completely absurd, and fabricated. She is alive and well, and still "has it going on."
As for the news of your apparent ceasing of trade with us, so be it. We'll make sure our accountants knock an extra $3.57 off of our budget in the coming weeks so we can prepare for the lull in cheap toys being made for our dollar stores, while we move our companies to more suitable places; i.e, anywhere else in the world. We likewise return the favor of embargo, and are in essence shutting you off from anything your people could possibly own that isn't dirt or sod. Considering the economic disparity in your nation, we doubt they could have afforded much else, but now, assuming they get more than their allotted 7 cents a day, they won't be able to chose between luxury appliances. You will rue the day that you decided to cut off trade with the only nation on the planet that doesn't think the Dutch still maintain a garrison in Jakarta. And we will only accept your apology if you allow us to throw handfuls of sand into the eyes of 100 select East Indian children (selected by President Harris.)
We're willing to discuss other terms of your apology whenever you are.
And finally, in regards to our "forgiving" South Africa of slavery, we legitimately think your Minister may be doing PCP, or whatever drug your people use as a reprieve from their terrible lives. We have made no public statements in regards to the issue of slavery in South Africa, and bringing up our own history of Slavery would be like us bringing up your history of being bed-mates to whatever European power happened to dock it's ships off of Sumatra; an entirely pointless and irrelevant subject that had nothing to do with the sexual tendencies of President Alexander's "loose" wife.
Though, for the record, if they didn't want to be slaves, they should have fought harder.
Ignoring all of those things, it's important we forget about Person of Interest X's exploits and refocus on the matter at hand: The UIR is ran by a bats**t crazy extremist, hellbent on raining fiery death upon the world. There may be no rhyme or reason behind his madness (well, there is. But we've already discussed that), but he seems intent on killing millions of people in a death wish. So please, don't attempt to pick apart any perceived elitism, or dare I say racism (we direct you to our alliance with Nigeria) in our dialogue with the true, honest nation's of the world. Instead, we encourage you to look at the bigger picture, and see that the UIR is a threat to, well, everyone. So your refusal to sign any sort of alliance or accord with them is just a sign that in your hearts, your barbaric, colonial hearts, you agree with us. All we ask is that you pick up the coconut telephones you managed to fashion from supplies left over from your previous colonial rulers (the Dutch was it..?), call the Arabs and inform them that you will not sit idly by as they try to light the world on fire. With their weapons. And oils. Lots of oils.
