Experiment 626
Prince
*****
LOCATION: Outside The War Room secretly located somewhere in Washington, D.C..
*****
Major Eyegor anxiously stood leaning on his cane next to the door waiting for the Joint Chiefs of Staff to arrive. This was the day that he finally got to see the inside of the War Room. He was a decorated War Veteran of the American-Korean War, where he was maimed in the line of duty. His injuries left him with a severe limp, and an eye that seemed to wander at will. When people looked at him, they were never quite sure which eye was the good one.
<It’ll be all worth it, once I step into that Room.>, he thought. His War Record earned him the honor of becoming General AutomatedTeller’s aide. When the General informed him that he wanted Major Eyegor to accompany him to the next briefing, he was thrilled. He’d always wanted to see the inside of the War Room, but, before today, had not been invited.
He just wondered what was taking the old farts so long.
<Probably off on another drunken binge somewhere>, he mused, <or maybe they’re all at President E626's Memorial Brothel getting their pipes flushed.>
He quietly laughed at his own joke. He had heard rumors about what went on inside that particular Brothel. Anything was fair game, the rumors say, the kinkier, the better. Of course, only The President and his Joint Chiefs of Staff were allowed in the place.
<Rank does have its privileges, after all.>, he thought, sighing. Looking west down the hallway, he thought, <I’d just wish they’d hurry up. I may never see the inside of that Brothel, but today’s the day that I see what’s behind this door.> He touched the door reverently.
Again looking west, he wondered aloud, ‘What’s keeping those old geezers?!!’
The Joint Chiefs of Staff had been standing behind him for the past 30 seconds, waiting for him to salute.
General AutomatedTeller growled, ‘The old geezers are right behind you, Major! Is that the way that you address superior officers?!”
Major Eyegor about-faced on his good leg so fast that his hat remained facing the other way! Saluting, he stammered, ‘N-No, sir! I’m sorry, sir. I’m just a bit eager to go inside!’
General AutomatedTeller looked disapprovingly at the Major’s hat, and barked, ‘FIX YOUR HAT!’
‘Yes, sir, General AutomatedTeller, Sir!’ He fixed his hat while holding the salute.
The Generals returned the salute.
General AutomatedTeller went to knock on the door, and Major Eyegor excitedly asked, ‘Are we going in now?!!”
General AutomatedTeller shot him a stern look, and knocked on the door. Getting no response, General AutomatedTeller looked to the other Generals, and shrugged. Trying the doorknob, they were stunned to find that the door was unlocked! Cautiously, they entered the room. The President was nowhere to be seen.
Major Eyegor looked reverently around the room like he was in a church.
They became aware of a commotion going on behind the curtain. They heard Miss Stein giggling, and The President saying, ‘Not my ear! Not my ear! WHOA! Not in the ear! Not in the ear!’.
General AutomatedTeller knocked on the wall beside the curtain, and said, ‘Sir? Mr. President?’
Sticking his face through the curtain, The President asked, ‘Yes?’
‘Official business, Sir.’
‘Is it important?’
‘It’s very crucial, Sir!’
Sighing, The President said, ‘Be with you in a minute.’ Disappearing through the curtain, he said to Miss Stein, ‘Throw something on, and stay in that position!’
He stepped through the curtain zipping up his pants, saying, ‘Oh, sorry, gentlemen! I was just . . . uh . . . walking the parapet, taking a look around. What can I do for you?’
General AutomatedTeller said, ‘It’s time for the briefing, Mr. President! Don’t you remember?’
‘Of course, I remember!’, snapped The President, sitting down at his desk. Unnoticed by everyone, Major Eyegor studied the Battle Plans map still hanging on the wall.
Eyegor said, ‘What ninny came up with this plan, and what was he smoking?!!’
The room went deathly quiet as no one dared dream to question The President’s plan.
The President glared at Eyegor with venomous eyes, and said through clenched teeth, ‘What is this man’s name, so I know what name to write on the Execution Orders?!!’
General AutomatedTeller said, ‘He’s my aide, Mr. President. His name is Major Eyegor! He’s a decorated War Veteran who’s not quite right in the head nowadays. Major Eyegor, front and center!’
Major Eyegor turned, and saw The President. He turned ashen, and slowly limped up to the desk.
The President grumbled, ‘If he doesn’t hurry up, I’ll need a shave!’
Major Eyegor arrived at the desk, and drew himself up to his full height. He saluted The President.
The President got up and walked around the desk to get nose-to-nose with Major Eyegor.
‘To answer your question, little man, I came up with those plans,’, said The President, and I should have your head on a pike for what you just said!’
Major Eyegor said, ‘Mr. President, I beg your forgiveness! When you’re in battle, you tend to say whatever comes to mind. I am deeply sorry for offending you.’
Major Eyegor looked over his shoulder at the map, shook his head, and said, ‘It’s just . . .’
The President growled, ‘Just what?!!’
Major Eyegor said, ‘It would be easier if I showed you on the map, Mr. President. Walk this way, please.’
He started to limp towards the wall, using his cane as a support. He turned to The President, who hadn’t budged, and handed his cane to The President. ‘Walk this way, Mr President.’
The President started limping toward the wall just like Major Eyegor, when he stopped, and shouted, ‘WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING?!!’ He threw the cane at Major Eyegor, which hit him in the arm. The Major retrieved his cane, and continued toward the wall.
The President walked to the map, and waited. He noticed that the Generals were following the Major, but not too closely. The Generals, on the other hand, noticed the word ‘PRES’ across The President’s shoulder blades in big white letters.
Finally, the Major arrived at the wall.
The President snapped, ‘O.K., wise ass! What’s wrong with my plan?!’
The Major said, ‘Perhaps I’m not reading the map correctly, Mr. President. I want to make sure that I understand this map before I continue.’
The President glared at Eyegor as if trying to decide which method of execution to use.
The major continued. ‘If I’m reading this map correctly, you plan to split our forces into 4 battalions. The 1st Battalion will attack from Austin, and try to capture Calakmul (which you will then rename Tijuana) while, at the same time, the 2nd Battalion attacks and razes Cuello. A Settler then founds a city called Indianapolis. The 3rd Battalion would then recapture Buffalo, while the 4th Battalion will defend the border. Am I reading the map correctly, Mr. President?’
The President did a slow burn. He didn’t like having his plans questioned. Losing his temper, he snapped, ‘YES! NOW GET TO THE POINT, LITTLE MAN!’
Major Eyegor said, ‘Mr. President, with all due respect, we don’t have the manpower to split into 4 Battalions! However, we don’t need to. We only need to split our forces into 3 Battalions, not 4.’
The President was about to snap the Major’s neck for his insubordination when he stopped, and asked, ‘What’s that? 3 Battalions?’
Eyegor replied, ‘Yes, Sir! 2 Offensive Battalions and the Defense Battalion. The 1st Battalion captures Calakmul as you planned while the 2nd Battalion burns Cuello to the ground. After Cuello is destroyed, the Settler founds Indianapolis, again, as you planned. Since Cuello will be gone, there will be no need for a garrison to quell any resistors, so the 2nd Battalion (after leaving a couple of units to defend Indianapolis, of course) will then recapture Buffalo, while the Defense Battalion guards our borders!’
The President looked at the map, and said quietly, ‘I see! Do we have the manpower to pull this off, Major?’
The Major replied, ‘I can’t answer that question, Mr. President, until I see a tactical analysis of how many troops we have, and where they are currently stationed.’
The President looked at Major Eyegor peculiarly, and asked suspiciously, ‘Then how do you know that we don’t have the manpower for 4 Battalions?’
‘With respect, Mr. President, during OPERATION: CERBERUS, I was the field commander, reporting to General AutomatedTeller. I knew how many men we had in each of the 3 Battalions then, so splitting our current forces into 4 Battalions would be risky and downright dangerous!’
The President walked to his cluttered desk, and began searching for something. He muttered under his breath, ‘Now where did that analysis go?’
General CommandoBob walked to another table, and picked up an envelope. ‘Is this what you’re looking for, Mr. President?’
The President replied, ‘Yes! That’s it! Hand it to the Major, General.’
General CommandoBob said, ‘With respect, Mr. President, I must protest! While I have the utmost respect for The Major and his War Record, he doesn’t have the necessary clearance to see such an important document.’
The President looked dangerously at General CommandoBob, and said, ‘Hand it to the Major, General, before I make some clearance between your eyes!’
The General exhaled. He knew better than to tempt The President’s ire, but it was his job to protect the Empire.
Slowly, he handed the envelope to Major Eyegor.
The Major noticed that the outside of the envelope read ‘URGENT! FOR THE PRESIDENT’S EYES ONLY!’ He asked, ‘With your permission, Mr. President?’
The President replied, ‘Granted’. He was warming to the Major. He just wished that he knew which eye was looking at him.
The Major spent the next couple of minutes pouring over the contents of the envelope.
General Marsden said, ‘Some of that information is now a bit out of date. Since that report was compiled, we have trained more troops, moved them into position, and worked on the Empire’s infrastructure. In fact, the entire city of Vancouver is now celebrating what they call a ‘We Love the President’ day!’
The President asked, ‘A ‘We Love the President’ day?’
General Marsden replied, ‘Yes, Sir!’
‘Wonderful! I want as many cities as possible celebrating a ‘We Love the President’ day as soon as possible!’
General Marsden sighed. He thought, <One city celebrates out of 30, and suddenly, every city has to celebrate.> He said, ‘Yes, Mr. President.’
The Major said, ‘Forgive me, gentlemen, but all this tells me is how many of each unit that we have. This information is pretty useless if I don’t know exactly where are the troops are right now.’
The President said, ‘Agreed! General CommandoBob, where are our troops right now?’
The General pulled a piece of paper out his jacket pocket, but hesitated in giving it to the Major.
The President growled at the General, ‘Give him the information, General, or I swear after we obtain the deposit of Saltpeter and made the first blunderbuss, I personally will put the first bullet right between your eyes!’
General CommandoBob begrudgingly handed the paper to the Major.
The Major said, ‘Thank you, General!’ Gesturing with the piece of paper, he said, ‘Again, with your permission, Mr. President?’
‘Granted!’
The Major read the paper, and thought for a bit.
The President asked, ‘So? Do we have enough men to pull this off or not?’
Slowly, the Major answered, ‘Almost, Mr. President! The 1st Battalion outside of Austin is looking pretty good. I might add a few more men just in case. We still need many more men in 2nd Battalion not to mention the Settler!’
General CommandoBob said, ‘More men are en route as we speak to join the 2nd Battalion not to mention the entire complement of Trebuchets.’
The Major asked, ‘Trebuchets, General? What are they?’
The General answered, ‘A better form of Catapult, Major.’
The Major said, ‘Ah! Thank you, General! Mr. President, the American-Mayan border is pretty vast, as you know. I’d like to see more men in the Defense Battalion, spread out not only along the Mayan border, but also the Korean border.’
The President said, ‘There is a plan to, I still can’t believe that I’m saying this, have Korea join us in the war vs the Mayans! I’m gonna be sick!’
The Major thought for a moment, and said, ‘That’s not such a bad idea, Mr. President! However, I for one will sleep a lot easier knowing that we have men watching the Korean border. Who knows what treachery they’re capable of?’
The President said, ‘Agreed! I want the Korean border watched at all times, gentlemen!’
The Generals, in unison, say , ‘Yes, Sir!’
The President walked slowly to the center of the room, deep in thought.
General CommandoBob said, ‘Forgive the interruption, Mr. President. Major Eyegor, in your experienced opinion, when will we be ready to attack?’
The President looked at the Major, who mulled over the question. The Major said, ‘As soon as everyone is in position, it is my opinion that we attack immediately!’
The President walked over, and sat down behind the table. He gestured to an empty chair next to him, and said, ‘Major Egor, have a seat!’
The major said, ‘With respect, Mr. President, my name is pronounced Eye-gor, not E-gor.’
The President said, ‘Of course. Have a seat.’
The Major sat on the floor next to the President’s feet. The President noticed The Major sitting on the floor.
The President said, ‘No, no! Up here in the chair!’
Major Eyegor got to his feet, bowed to the President, and said, ‘Thank you!’
The President turned to the Generals. ‘General Marsden!’
General Marsden answered, ‘Yes, Mr. President?’
The President asked, ‘What is the status of the Forbidden Palace?’
The General replied, ‘The construction of the Forbidden Palace has begun in Boston, Mr. President. I will keep you apprised of the progress.’
The President said, ‘Fine! It better work like you say it does, General, or else . . .’
General Marsden said, ‘It will, Mr. President. On another topic, regarding the Korean Settlers and Spearmen that have been trespassing in our territory?’
The President said, ‘Let me guess: They’re back, right?’
The General replied, ‘Actually, Mr. President, they have been escorted across the border. Knowing that your future plan is to ask Korea to ally with us against Maya, our units were polite and courteous to the Koreans the entire trip to the border. We have (hopefully) planted the seed of friendship. The intruders disappeared into Korean territory, and haven’t been seen since!’
The President said, ‘Finally, some good news! General CommandoBob!’
General CommandoBob said, ‘Yes, Mr. President?’
‘What do you have to report?’
‘Mr. President, if we are going to attack soon, then we’ll need our spies to get us the information on our targets. According to Colonel Cosecant, it will cost us 34 Gold to investigate Calakmul, 55 Gold to investigate Cuello, and 28 Gold to investigate Buffalo. The prices might be a bit higher now, Sir, because the longer we wait, the more expensive it will be.’
‘Hmm . . .34 and 55 and 28 . . .that’s 117 Gold!’
‘Yes, Mr. President.’
Suddenly, a messenger burst into the room, almost getting skewered by the Pikemen standing guard in the room.
The messenger cried out, ‘MR. PRESIDENT! TERRIBLE NEWS! ARABIA HAS DECLARED WAR ON US!’
The President shrugged, ‘So? They’re on the other continent. They can’t reach us! BIG WHOOP! Let them declare war for all I care!’
The messenger said, ‘But, Mr. President, they captured our Scout!’
The President leapt to his feet, and yelled, ‘HOLY UNDERWEAR! OUR SCOUT CAPTURED! WE HAVE TO PROTECT OUR PHONEY-BALONEY JOBS, GENTLEMEN! WE HAVE TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT THIS IMMEDIATELY! IMMEDIATELY! IMMEDIATELY! HARRUMPH! HARRUMPH!’ He began gesturing with his hands that he wanted everybody to Harrumph!
Everyone in the room started, ‘HARRUMPH!ing’ except for the Pikeman standing guard at the door.
The President points at the Pikeman, and says, ‘I didn’t get a HARRUMPH out of that guy!’
General AutomatedTeller said to the Pikeman, ‘Give The President a HARRUMPH!’
The Pikeman said, ‘Harrumph!’
The President pointed at the Pikeman, and said, ‘You watch your @$$!’
General AutomatedTeller said, ‘Gentleman! Rest your sphincters!’
The President said, ‘Well put!’
The General said, ‘I personally will open Diplomatic relations with Arabia in order to get our citizen back. In the meantime, meeting is adjourned!’
The General looked at The President, and said, ‘Oh! I am sorry, Mr. President. I didn’t mean to overstep my bounds. You say that!’
The President said, ‘Say what?’
General AutomatedTeller said, ‘Meeting is adjourned.’
The President said, ‘It is?’
‘No, you say that!’
‘Say what?’
‘Meeting is adjourned!’
‘It is?’
Miss Stein emerged topless from behind the curtain, and said, ‘Pooky? I’m bored!’
The President said, ‘Ah! Miss Stein! Would you be a good girl and notify the Brothel that I’ll be bringing a guest tonight?’, and gestured toward Major Eyegor.
Miss Stein said, ‘Yes, Pooky.’
*****
Later that night, at the Brothel:
The President stood with Miss Stein leaning her ‘assets’ into his chest. Major Eyegor looked around at all of the beautiful women, but he was staring (or trying to anyway with his good eye) at a curvaceous blonde.
The President said, ‘Look around, Major. Any girl you want is yours for the night, except for Miss Stein, of course.’
Wiggling his eyebrows, Major Eyegor said, ‘Fine! You take the redhead, I’ll take the blonde!’
*****
LOCATION: Outside The War Room secretly located somewhere in Washington, D.C..
*****
Major Eyegor anxiously stood leaning on his cane next to the door waiting for the Joint Chiefs of Staff to arrive. This was the day that he finally got to see the inside of the War Room. He was a decorated War Veteran of the American-Korean War, where he was maimed in the line of duty. His injuries left him with a severe limp, and an eye that seemed to wander at will. When people looked at him, they were never quite sure which eye was the good one.
<It’ll be all worth it, once I step into that Room.>, he thought. His War Record earned him the honor of becoming General AutomatedTeller’s aide. When the General informed him that he wanted Major Eyegor to accompany him to the next briefing, he was thrilled. He’d always wanted to see the inside of the War Room, but, before today, had not been invited.
He just wondered what was taking the old farts so long.
<Probably off on another drunken binge somewhere>, he mused, <or maybe they’re all at President E626's Memorial Brothel getting their pipes flushed.>
He quietly laughed at his own joke. He had heard rumors about what went on inside that particular Brothel. Anything was fair game, the rumors say, the kinkier, the better. Of course, only The President and his Joint Chiefs of Staff were allowed in the place.
<Rank does have its privileges, after all.>, he thought, sighing. Looking west down the hallway, he thought, <I’d just wish they’d hurry up. I may never see the inside of that Brothel, but today’s the day that I see what’s behind this door.> He touched the door reverently.
Again looking west, he wondered aloud, ‘What’s keeping those old geezers?!!’
The Joint Chiefs of Staff had been standing behind him for the past 30 seconds, waiting for him to salute.
General AutomatedTeller growled, ‘The old geezers are right behind you, Major! Is that the way that you address superior officers?!”
Major Eyegor about-faced on his good leg so fast that his hat remained facing the other way! Saluting, he stammered, ‘N-No, sir! I’m sorry, sir. I’m just a bit eager to go inside!’
General AutomatedTeller looked disapprovingly at the Major’s hat, and barked, ‘FIX YOUR HAT!’
‘Yes, sir, General AutomatedTeller, Sir!’ He fixed his hat while holding the salute.
The Generals returned the salute.
General AutomatedTeller went to knock on the door, and Major Eyegor excitedly asked, ‘Are we going in now?!!”
General AutomatedTeller shot him a stern look, and knocked on the door. Getting no response, General AutomatedTeller looked to the other Generals, and shrugged. Trying the doorknob, they were stunned to find that the door was unlocked! Cautiously, they entered the room. The President was nowhere to be seen.
Major Eyegor looked reverently around the room like he was in a church.
They became aware of a commotion going on behind the curtain. They heard Miss Stein giggling, and The President saying, ‘Not my ear! Not my ear! WHOA! Not in the ear! Not in the ear!’.
General AutomatedTeller knocked on the wall beside the curtain, and said, ‘Sir? Mr. President?’
Sticking his face through the curtain, The President asked, ‘Yes?’
‘Official business, Sir.’
‘Is it important?’
‘It’s very crucial, Sir!’
Sighing, The President said, ‘Be with you in a minute.’ Disappearing through the curtain, he said to Miss Stein, ‘Throw something on, and stay in that position!’
He stepped through the curtain zipping up his pants, saying, ‘Oh, sorry, gentlemen! I was just . . . uh . . . walking the parapet, taking a look around. What can I do for you?’
General AutomatedTeller said, ‘It’s time for the briefing, Mr. President! Don’t you remember?’
‘Of course, I remember!’, snapped The President, sitting down at his desk. Unnoticed by everyone, Major Eyegor studied the Battle Plans map still hanging on the wall.
Eyegor said, ‘What ninny came up with this plan, and what was he smoking?!!’
The room went deathly quiet as no one dared dream to question The President’s plan.
The President glared at Eyegor with venomous eyes, and said through clenched teeth, ‘What is this man’s name, so I know what name to write on the Execution Orders?!!’
General AutomatedTeller said, ‘He’s my aide, Mr. President. His name is Major Eyegor! He’s a decorated War Veteran who’s not quite right in the head nowadays. Major Eyegor, front and center!’
Major Eyegor turned, and saw The President. He turned ashen, and slowly limped up to the desk.
The President grumbled, ‘If he doesn’t hurry up, I’ll need a shave!’
Major Eyegor arrived at the desk, and drew himself up to his full height. He saluted The President.
The President got up and walked around the desk to get nose-to-nose with Major Eyegor.
‘To answer your question, little man, I came up with those plans,’, said The President, and I should have your head on a pike for what you just said!’
Major Eyegor said, ‘Mr. President, I beg your forgiveness! When you’re in battle, you tend to say whatever comes to mind. I am deeply sorry for offending you.’
Major Eyegor looked over his shoulder at the map, shook his head, and said, ‘It’s just . . .’
The President growled, ‘Just what?!!’
Major Eyegor said, ‘It would be easier if I showed you on the map, Mr. President. Walk this way, please.’
He started to limp towards the wall, using his cane as a support. He turned to The President, who hadn’t budged, and handed his cane to The President. ‘Walk this way, Mr President.’
The President started limping toward the wall just like Major Eyegor, when he stopped, and shouted, ‘WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING?!!’ He threw the cane at Major Eyegor, which hit him in the arm. The Major retrieved his cane, and continued toward the wall.
The President walked to the map, and waited. He noticed that the Generals were following the Major, but not too closely. The Generals, on the other hand, noticed the word ‘PRES’ across The President’s shoulder blades in big white letters.
Finally, the Major arrived at the wall.
The President snapped, ‘O.K., wise ass! What’s wrong with my plan?!’
The Major said, ‘Perhaps I’m not reading the map correctly, Mr. President. I want to make sure that I understand this map before I continue.’
The President glared at Eyegor as if trying to decide which method of execution to use.
The major continued. ‘If I’m reading this map correctly, you plan to split our forces into 4 battalions. The 1st Battalion will attack from Austin, and try to capture Calakmul (which you will then rename Tijuana) while, at the same time, the 2nd Battalion attacks and razes Cuello. A Settler then founds a city called Indianapolis. The 3rd Battalion would then recapture Buffalo, while the 4th Battalion will defend the border. Am I reading the map correctly, Mr. President?’
The President did a slow burn. He didn’t like having his plans questioned. Losing his temper, he snapped, ‘YES! NOW GET TO THE POINT, LITTLE MAN!’
Major Eyegor said, ‘Mr. President, with all due respect, we don’t have the manpower to split into 4 Battalions! However, we don’t need to. We only need to split our forces into 3 Battalions, not 4.’
The President was about to snap the Major’s neck for his insubordination when he stopped, and asked, ‘What’s that? 3 Battalions?’
Eyegor replied, ‘Yes, Sir! 2 Offensive Battalions and the Defense Battalion. The 1st Battalion captures Calakmul as you planned while the 2nd Battalion burns Cuello to the ground. After Cuello is destroyed, the Settler founds Indianapolis, again, as you planned. Since Cuello will be gone, there will be no need for a garrison to quell any resistors, so the 2nd Battalion (after leaving a couple of units to defend Indianapolis, of course) will then recapture Buffalo, while the Defense Battalion guards our borders!’
The President looked at the map, and said quietly, ‘I see! Do we have the manpower to pull this off, Major?’
The Major replied, ‘I can’t answer that question, Mr. President, until I see a tactical analysis of how many troops we have, and where they are currently stationed.’
The President looked at Major Eyegor peculiarly, and asked suspiciously, ‘Then how do you know that we don’t have the manpower for 4 Battalions?’
‘With respect, Mr. President, during OPERATION: CERBERUS, I was the field commander, reporting to General AutomatedTeller. I knew how many men we had in each of the 3 Battalions then, so splitting our current forces into 4 Battalions would be risky and downright dangerous!’
The President walked to his cluttered desk, and began searching for something. He muttered under his breath, ‘Now where did that analysis go?’
General CommandoBob walked to another table, and picked up an envelope. ‘Is this what you’re looking for, Mr. President?’
The President replied, ‘Yes! That’s it! Hand it to the Major, General.’
General CommandoBob said, ‘With respect, Mr. President, I must protest! While I have the utmost respect for The Major and his War Record, he doesn’t have the necessary clearance to see such an important document.’
The President looked dangerously at General CommandoBob, and said, ‘Hand it to the Major, General, before I make some clearance between your eyes!’
The General exhaled. He knew better than to tempt The President’s ire, but it was his job to protect the Empire.
Slowly, he handed the envelope to Major Eyegor.
The Major noticed that the outside of the envelope read ‘URGENT! FOR THE PRESIDENT’S EYES ONLY!’ He asked, ‘With your permission, Mr. President?’
The President replied, ‘Granted’. He was warming to the Major. He just wished that he knew which eye was looking at him.
The Major spent the next couple of minutes pouring over the contents of the envelope.
General Marsden said, ‘Some of that information is now a bit out of date. Since that report was compiled, we have trained more troops, moved them into position, and worked on the Empire’s infrastructure. In fact, the entire city of Vancouver is now celebrating what they call a ‘We Love the President’ day!’
The President asked, ‘A ‘We Love the President’ day?’
General Marsden replied, ‘Yes, Sir!’
‘Wonderful! I want as many cities as possible celebrating a ‘We Love the President’ day as soon as possible!’
General Marsden sighed. He thought, <One city celebrates out of 30, and suddenly, every city has to celebrate.> He said, ‘Yes, Mr. President.’
The Major said, ‘Forgive me, gentlemen, but all this tells me is how many of each unit that we have. This information is pretty useless if I don’t know exactly where are the troops are right now.’
The President said, ‘Agreed! General CommandoBob, where are our troops right now?’
The General pulled a piece of paper out his jacket pocket, but hesitated in giving it to the Major.
The President growled at the General, ‘Give him the information, General, or I swear after we obtain the deposit of Saltpeter and made the first blunderbuss, I personally will put the first bullet right between your eyes!’
General CommandoBob begrudgingly handed the paper to the Major.
The Major said, ‘Thank you, General!’ Gesturing with the piece of paper, he said, ‘Again, with your permission, Mr. President?’
‘Granted!’
The Major read the paper, and thought for a bit.
The President asked, ‘So? Do we have enough men to pull this off or not?’
Slowly, the Major answered, ‘Almost, Mr. President! The 1st Battalion outside of Austin is looking pretty good. I might add a few more men just in case. We still need many more men in 2nd Battalion not to mention the Settler!’
General CommandoBob said, ‘More men are en route as we speak to join the 2nd Battalion not to mention the entire complement of Trebuchets.’
The Major asked, ‘Trebuchets, General? What are they?’
The General answered, ‘A better form of Catapult, Major.’
The Major said, ‘Ah! Thank you, General! Mr. President, the American-Mayan border is pretty vast, as you know. I’d like to see more men in the Defense Battalion, spread out not only along the Mayan border, but also the Korean border.’
The President said, ‘There is a plan to, I still can’t believe that I’m saying this, have Korea join us in the war vs the Mayans! I’m gonna be sick!’
The Major thought for a moment, and said, ‘That’s not such a bad idea, Mr. President! However, I for one will sleep a lot easier knowing that we have men watching the Korean border. Who knows what treachery they’re capable of?’
The President said, ‘Agreed! I want the Korean border watched at all times, gentlemen!’
The Generals, in unison, say , ‘Yes, Sir!’
The President walked slowly to the center of the room, deep in thought.
General CommandoBob said, ‘Forgive the interruption, Mr. President. Major Eyegor, in your experienced opinion, when will we be ready to attack?’
The President looked at the Major, who mulled over the question. The Major said, ‘As soon as everyone is in position, it is my opinion that we attack immediately!’
The President walked over, and sat down behind the table. He gestured to an empty chair next to him, and said, ‘Major Egor, have a seat!’
The major said, ‘With respect, Mr. President, my name is pronounced Eye-gor, not E-gor.’
The President said, ‘Of course. Have a seat.’
The Major sat on the floor next to the President’s feet. The President noticed The Major sitting on the floor.
The President said, ‘No, no! Up here in the chair!’
Major Eyegor got to his feet, bowed to the President, and said, ‘Thank you!’
The President turned to the Generals. ‘General Marsden!’
General Marsden answered, ‘Yes, Mr. President?’
The President asked, ‘What is the status of the Forbidden Palace?’
The General replied, ‘The construction of the Forbidden Palace has begun in Boston, Mr. President. I will keep you apprised of the progress.’
The President said, ‘Fine! It better work like you say it does, General, or else . . .’
General Marsden said, ‘It will, Mr. President. On another topic, regarding the Korean Settlers and Spearmen that have been trespassing in our territory?’
The President said, ‘Let me guess: They’re back, right?’
The General replied, ‘Actually, Mr. President, they have been escorted across the border. Knowing that your future plan is to ask Korea to ally with us against Maya, our units were polite and courteous to the Koreans the entire trip to the border. We have (hopefully) planted the seed of friendship. The intruders disappeared into Korean territory, and haven’t been seen since!’
The President said, ‘Finally, some good news! General CommandoBob!’
General CommandoBob said, ‘Yes, Mr. President?’
‘What do you have to report?’
‘Mr. President, if we are going to attack soon, then we’ll need our spies to get us the information on our targets. According to Colonel Cosecant, it will cost us 34 Gold to investigate Calakmul, 55 Gold to investigate Cuello, and 28 Gold to investigate Buffalo. The prices might be a bit higher now, Sir, because the longer we wait, the more expensive it will be.’
‘Hmm . . .34 and 55 and 28 . . .that’s 117 Gold!’
‘Yes, Mr. President.’
Suddenly, a messenger burst into the room, almost getting skewered by the Pikemen standing guard in the room.
The messenger cried out, ‘MR. PRESIDENT! TERRIBLE NEWS! ARABIA HAS DECLARED WAR ON US!’
The President shrugged, ‘So? They’re on the other continent. They can’t reach us! BIG WHOOP! Let them declare war for all I care!’
The messenger said, ‘But, Mr. President, they captured our Scout!’
The President leapt to his feet, and yelled, ‘HOLY UNDERWEAR! OUR SCOUT CAPTURED! WE HAVE TO PROTECT OUR PHONEY-BALONEY JOBS, GENTLEMEN! WE HAVE TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT THIS IMMEDIATELY! IMMEDIATELY! IMMEDIATELY! HARRUMPH! HARRUMPH!’ He began gesturing with his hands that he wanted everybody to Harrumph!
Everyone in the room started, ‘HARRUMPH!ing’ except for the Pikeman standing guard at the door.
The President points at the Pikeman, and says, ‘I didn’t get a HARRUMPH out of that guy!’
General AutomatedTeller said to the Pikeman, ‘Give The President a HARRUMPH!’
The Pikeman said, ‘Harrumph!’
The President pointed at the Pikeman, and said, ‘You watch your @$$!’
General AutomatedTeller said, ‘Gentleman! Rest your sphincters!’
The President said, ‘Well put!’
The General said, ‘I personally will open Diplomatic relations with Arabia in order to get our citizen back. In the meantime, meeting is adjourned!’
The General looked at The President, and said, ‘Oh! I am sorry, Mr. President. I didn’t mean to overstep my bounds. You say that!’
The President said, ‘Say what?’
General AutomatedTeller said, ‘Meeting is adjourned.’
The President said, ‘It is?’
‘No, you say that!’
‘Say what?’
‘Meeting is adjourned!’
‘It is?’
Miss Stein emerged topless from behind the curtain, and said, ‘Pooky? I’m bored!’
The President said, ‘Ah! Miss Stein! Would you be a good girl and notify the Brothel that I’ll be bringing a guest tonight?’, and gestured toward Major Eyegor.
Miss Stein said, ‘Yes, Pooky.’
*****
Later that night, at the Brothel:
The President stood with Miss Stein leaning her ‘assets’ into his chest. Major Eyegor looked around at all of the beautiful women, but he was staring (or trying to anyway with his good eye) at a curvaceous blonde.
The President said, ‘Look around, Major. Any girl you want is yours for the night, except for Miss Stein, of course.’
Wiggling his eyebrows, Major Eyegor said, ‘Fine! You take the redhead, I’ll take the blonde!’
*****
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