Montezuma: You're ugly and look kinda like a woman. And just a warning, you will be assimilated by the end of the MA, so you may as well just stop trying right now.
Lincoln: I'm sorry you're always annoyed with me, but thanks for always trading equally and never demanding anything. I will try and make your assimilation as gentle as possible.
Toku: I'm not sorry you're always annoyed with me, and screw you for trying to screw me out of every cent and tech I offer, and screw your damned UU for being so difficult to kill. Your assimilation will not be pleasant. That goes for you too, Shaka. You too, Bismark, although I think your tanks are really cool (if you ever get them).
Mao: For some reason, I kinda like you, despite your commie, 12-year-old-molesting ways... and thanks for always having useful wonders for me to gain when I assimilate you. May you live on... like a big rock!
Joan: I'm actually starting to feel really, really bad for running you over in the AA, because every time I meet you you are always polite and trade nicely. Its just too bad you always start so close to me, and that your pink borders are so hard to look at for too long... I'd love to assimilate you and let you live on as a lovely sector of my civ, but at the time of your takeover I am forced to auto-raze most of your cities for being culturally void. Paris will always be lovely in the fall.
Catherine, Cleo: You're both ugly and useless, and you will both always be annoyed at me no matter if I'm nice to you or mean to you, and you will both be wiped out and your territory re-settled by the late-IA. Sorry, assimilation is not an option.
Liz: I don't know how you always end up having so many god-damned cities, but at least they're always worthless and easy to take over. I'm sorry that most will have to be razed. Oh wait -- no I'm not. and screw ur propr inglish, btw ur ugly to, kthxbye.
Ghandi: Jesus Herbert Christ on an ivory crutch, quit grinning at me and buy some dentures already. You are not a 'peace-loving' civ like you claim, you always threaten me for techs, and always always ALWAYS declare war on someone thru the course of the game... at least it gives me a good justification for your assimilation. I always get more out of wars with you than I ever get FROM you. You can go and starve yourself to death all you want, I won't interfere. Also, screw your UU for being the biggest, sh*ttiest UU in the game. I will enjoy the sound of elephant crunching beneath my tank treads.
Hammi and Xerxy: Thanks for never causing me difficulty in the AA, despite both of your potential to do so. Thanks also for always trading me all your ancient backfill techs, maps, and gold for industrialization about one turn before I complete universal sufferage. It will make your assimilation more pleasant... at least for my citizens.
Alex: Nothing quite underlines "queer" like a UU that pokes at you with a spear and wears a faaaaabulous shiny phallic crested helmet. Prepare to be a-thimilated, you bad boy you.
Caesar: You are Alex's man-wife. Prepare to be assimilated just how you like it... in the rear.
EDIT: I'm not done with you yet, Ghandi. You smell like stale curry, and I will personally butcher a cow and have steak for every meal in your honor. I will then deficate on the portion that I am too full to eat. What's that? Your ancestor? Well, I'd say he/she goes damned fine with a good smathering of ketchup and seasoning salt! MMMMMM, tastes like second-cousin! Also my palace will feature a room that is completely clad in patent leather, with a giant mural of the pope peeing on vishnu (stitched in leather, of course). PS: I hate you.
if i see you on the map.
