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Funny IM messages

Discussion in 'Humor & Jokes' started by Strider, Mar 21, 2006.

  1. Dr. Yoshi

    Dr. Yoshi Emperor of the Universe

    Joined:
    Jul 10, 2003
    Messages:
    1,220
    Location:
    Hermosa Beach, California
    <YuFFie> SO U HACKING ME THEN HUH
    <YuFFie> WElL I GOT NEWS FOR U MISTER I GOT MORE FIREWALL POWERS NOW SO IM SECURE AND IM USING WINDOWS 98 SO IM REALLY SECURE FROM HACKERS LIKE YOU SO YOU BETTA JUST GIVE UP CUZ U GOT NO HOPE MISTER.
    * YuFFie (~mirc@3B942731.dsl.stlsmo.swbell.net) Quit (Quit: Owned.)
    * YuFFie (~mirc@3B942731.dsl.stlsmo.swbell.net) has joined #
    <YuFFie> HELP MY MOUSE IS MOVING BY IT SELF

    ---

    <DannyB> some girl on the street asked if i was saved yet
    <DannyB> i told her i saved at the checkpoint a couple minutes back
    <DannyB> and can reload from there if i die
    <DannyB> she was confused

    ---

    Egger: Heres the history of our medicine.
    "I have a sore throat."
    2000 BC : "eat this root"
    1200 AD : "That root is heathen, say this prayer."
    1500 AD : "That prayer is superstition, drink this elixir."
    1800 AD : "That elixir is snake oil, Take this pill."
    1900 AD : "That pill is ineffective, Take this antibiotic."
    2000 AD : "That antibiotic is artificial, Here why dont you eat this root."
     
  2. Taliesin

    Taliesin Puttin' on the Ritz

    Joined:
    Jun 11, 2003
    Messages:
    4,906
    Location:
    Montréal
    <glowsun> I heard about this guy who broke into a lion's den at the zoo
    <glowsun> and got mauled
    <glowsun> and people were talking about how there should have been better defenses put up to prevent people getting into the cage
    <glowsun> a friend of mine suggested setting up some kind of deterrent
    <glowsun> for example, putting some sort of fierce animal in the cage, which would attack anybody who climbed in
     
  3. BCLG100

    BCLG100 Music Master

    Joined:
    Apr 11, 2002
    Messages:
    16,650
    Location:
    Lahndan
    I like this one!
     
  4. CivFan91

    CivFan91 Chieftain

    Joined:
    Sep 1, 2005
    Messages:
    1,590
    Location:
    USA
    <CivFan91> I reinterate my question.
     
  5. Strider

    Strider In Retrospect

    Joined:
    Jan 7, 2002
    Messages:
    8,984
    I'm going to guess that you mean reiterate and not reinterate.

    +b means that the user has been banned from the channel
    +o means that the user has been made an operated of the channel
    I forget what +i means, but it's basically just a command.

    --------- --

    Another Great one:

    MasterKayin: Dude, those Kamakazi pilots in WW2 were crazy...
    MasterKayin: If they threw me in a plane and told me to go crash into something
    MasterKayin: I'd just take off and go somewhere else
    MasterKayin: Like on vacation or something along those lines
    MasterKayin: I'd go to Hawaii
    MasterKayin: Er... wait...
     
  6. LLXerxes

    LLXerxes Space Travel is Boring

    Joined:
    Mar 16, 2004
    Messages:
    5,079
    LMAO pwnt^^
     
  7. CivFan91

    CivFan91 Chieftain

    Joined:
    Sep 1, 2005
    Messages:
    1,590
    Location:
    USA
    <Ponder> He found a better job, got a new gf.
    <Ponder> All because he stopped smoking
    <tragic> i need to start smoking, so then i can quit and all sorta good **** will happen to me

    -----------------

    <Hendrix> Its fun to go out in the cold weather and watch smokers pass out becuse they dont know when they're done exhaling

    -----------------

    <+kritical> christin: you need to learn how to figure out stuff yourself..
    <+Christin1> how do i do that
     
  8. Eran of Arcadia

    Eran of Arcadia Stormin' Mormon Retired Moderator

    Joined:
    Oct 16, 2004
    Messages:
    23,090
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    The Sunshine and Lettuce Capital of the World
    So romantic, I think I will do this one day:

    IronChef Foicite: well, there's a lot of reasons
    IronChef Foicite: i mean, roses only last like a couple weeks
    IronChef Foicite: and that's if you leave them in water
    IronChef Foicite: and they really only exist to be pretty
    IronChef Foicite: so that's like saying
    IronChef Foicite: "my love for you is transitory and based solely on your appearance"
    IronChef Foicite: but a potato!
    IronChef Foicite: potatos last for ****ing ever, man
    IronChef Foicite: in fact, not only will they not rot, they actually grow **** even if you just leave them in the sack
    IronChef Foicite: that part alone makes it a good symbol
    IronChef Foicite: but there's more!
    IronChef Foicite: there are so many ways to enjoy a potato! you can even make a battery with it!
    IronChef Foicite: and that's like saying "i have many ways in which I show my love for you"
    IronChef Foicite: and potatos may be ugly, but they're still awesome
    IronChef Foicite: so that's like saying "it doesn't matter at all what you look like, I'll still love you"
     
  9. Eran of Arcadia

    Eran of Arcadia Stormin' Mormon Retired Moderator

    Joined:
    Oct 16, 2004
    Messages:
    23,090
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    The Sunshine and Lettuce Capital of the World
    But this was my absolute favorite:

    <quadropheniac57> so we're talking about aboriginal symbols in school today
    <quadropheniac57> and i tell my group that i read it was bad luck to kill an emu, except i say emo on accident
    <quadropheniac57> so i laugh and say "actually, it's pretty good luck to kill an emo"
    <quadropheniac57> this girl, overweight, dyed black hair, eyeshadow, not goth but close
    <quadropheniac57> says "no, emo is sad. emo is short for emotional"
    <quadropheniac57> so i respond "no, emo is short for stupid"
    <quadropheniac57> she says "no, it's for emotional. emo people are emotional beings who live that way to relieve their pain"
    <quadropheniac57> i say "emo people are self-absorbed attention-seeking idiots who listen to crappy music"
    <quadropheniac57> rest of class, she gives me the most dark and depressed death glare
    <quadropheniac57> THE WHOLE REST OF CLASS, that's like 45 minutes, she's just death-looking me, not even turning her head
    <quadropheniac57> i swear, she's gonna kill herself this weekend, and it's all my fault
    <civilpunkbikes> good luck coming your way
    <quadropheniac57> amen
     
  10. CivFan91

    CivFan91 Chieftain

    Joined:
    Sep 1, 2005
    Messages:
    1,590
    Location:
    USA
    <HrdwrBoB_> they are **** :)
    <HrdwrBoB_> but then
    <HrdwrBoB_> they are not ****
    <HrdwrBoB_> so they are **** and not **** AT THE SAME TIME!!
    <Fryboy> quantum ****
     
  11. Strider

    Strider In Retrospect

    Joined:
    Jan 7, 2002
    Messages:
    8,984
    Some other great ones I found last night:

    <scirDSL> I hated going to weddings. All the grandmas would poke me saying "You're next". They stopped that when I started doing it to them at funerals.

    -----------------

    <VolteFace`> don't you hate it when you **** on the floor, and you can hear it fall but you have no idea where it actually landed, and spend like 5 minutes looking for it
    <peng> ...
    <peng> what?
    <VolteFace`> oh ****
    <VolteFace`> don't you hate it when you DROP ****

    -----------------

    random girl: hey!
    me: ...hi?
    me: who is this?
    random girl: Jessica, I saw u on myspace
    random girl: ur hot
    me: thanks
    random girl: np
    me: this girl keeps bugging me, but I don't want to talk to her
    me: what should I do?
    random girl: make up sum excuse, like ur mom is kickin u off or sumthing
    me: oh alright
    me: I have to go
    me: my mom is kicking me off
    me: bye

    --------------------

    <FM{FF1}> Rizen: I thought you didn't bang chicks, only me.
    <FM{FF1}> ...men.
    <FM{FF1}> GOD THAT WAS A BAD TYPO.

    ------------------

    <DemonEater> wtf
    <DemonEater> ESPN is showing 2003 national jump rope championship
    <DemonEater> who the hell watches jump rope competiti--- ooh bouncy
     
  12. Ultima Dragoon

    Ultima Dragoon FIRE! FIRE! FIRE!

    Joined:
    Sep 5, 2005
    Messages:
    2,369
    Location:
    Behind the east wind
    Braaaainnss?

     
  13. CivFan91

    CivFan91 Chieftain

    Joined:
    Sep 1, 2005
    Messages:
    1,590
    Location:
    USA
    I have reached the next-to-ultimate geekdom. The ultimate, of course,is a multi-tie between theese guys:

    <Spin> arrrr, pirates of the south west
    <Spin> thar be large pipes o'bandwith near ye'ol univarsety.
    <Pirate> yearg, ye may be an ta somethan thar.
    <Spin> what say ye we pull yonder USB hard disk longside yonder NMSU puter and begin tha lutin and plunderin.
    <Pirate> yearg. The master done gaved me a testin machine with a grand ol CDR.
    <Pirate> Avast!
    <Pirate> MP3s off the starboard bow!
    <Spin> stere clear of ye porn pop ups rollin in from tha east.
    <Pirate> I have mah trusty Opera browsa to help me fend em off.
    <Spin> encrypt the data holds, batton down thar security patches, argh thar be spyware abound.

    -----------

    <Insomniak`> Stupid ****ing Google
    <Insomniak`> "The" is a common word, and was not included in your search
    <Insomniak`> "Who" is a common word, and was not included in your search

    -------------

    WallJam7: roses are red
    WallJam7: violets are blue
    WallJam7: all of my base
    WallJam7: are belong to you

    -------------

    <+kritical> christin: you need to learn how to figure out stuff yourself..
    <+Christin1> how do i do that

    --------------

    <Pax> I wish my lawn was emo, so it would cut itself.

    -----------

    <Firefly> Time for my prayers:
    <Firefly> Our Father, who 0wnz heaven, j00 r0ck!
    <Firefly> May all 0ur base someday be belong to you!
    <Firefly> May j00 0wn earth just like j00 0wn heaven.
    <Firefly> Give us this day our warez, mp3z, and pr0n through a phat pipe.
    <Firefly> And cut us some slack when we act like n00b lamerz, just as we teach n00bz when they act lame on us.
    <Firefly> Please don't give us root access on some poor d00d'z box when we're too [ticked] off to think about what's right and wrong, and if you could keep the fbi off our backs, we'd appreciate it.
    <Firefly> For j00 0wn r00t on all our b0x3s 4ever and ever, 4m3n.

    ----------------

    <Axe> I
    <Axe> do
    <Axe> not
    <Axe> know
    <Axe> where
    <Axe> family
    <Axe> doctors
    <Axe> acquired
    <Axe> illegibly
    <Axe> perplexing
    <Axe> handwriting;
    <Axe> nevertheless,
    <Axe> extraordinary
    <Axe> pharmaceutical
    <Axe> intellectuality,
    <Axe> counterbalancing
    <Axe> indecipherability,
    <Axe> transcendentalizes
    <Axe> intercommunications'
    <Axe> incomprehensibleness.
    <JediHobbes> woah
    <JediHobbes> *blinks*


    --------------

    <Fireslide> next person to talk after his line will be kicked :)
    <Fireslide> *this
    * Fireslide was kicked by Fireslide (12&#8249;61912&#8250;)


    -----------------

    Scud: The other day, in the park, I was wondering why frisbees look bigger and bigger as they get closer to you
    Scud: And then it hit me

    -------------------

    <Dark_Fox> Kami: if you changed your name to Kame, you would have a much more interesting name :)
    <Kami> Dark_Fox: And if you changed yours to Dark_Fax, you'd have a more communicative name. :)
    * Dark_Fox is now known as Dark_Fax
    <Kami> It'd be... 'telecommunicative.'
    * Dark_Fax makes noises and *****es because he's out of paper ant toner *
    <Kami> Oh god, that happened at work today.
    <Dark_Fax> FEED MEE!!!
    <SailorV> Nuuuuuuuu
    * Dark_Fax displays wrong time *
    * Dark_Fax rings for no reason *
    * Kami is now known as VCR-clock
    * Dark_Fax gets a paper jam *
    * VCR-clock blinks
    * VCR-clock blinks
    * VCR-clock blinks
    * VCR-clock blinks
    * VCR-clock blinks
    * VCR-clock blinks
    <Dark_Fax> PAPPPERRRRR
    * VCR-clock blinks
    <Dark_Fax> TOOOOOONEEERRRR
    * VCR-clock blinks
    <VCR-clock> :)
    * Dark_Fax breaks a bearing and bounces around on the counter *
    <Dark_Fax> FEEEED ERROORRR!!!! NEED PAPER!!
    * Dark_Fax rings again for no reason *
    * VCR-clock blinks some more
    * SailorV runs and hides becuz there are weirdo's in here
    * Dark_Fax chases SailorV * MY PAPER!!! MY PREEESCIOUUUS!!
    * VCR-clock blinks
    * VCR-clock blinks
    <SailorV> EEEE!
    * SailorV unplugs the VCR
    * VCR-clock has quit IRC
    * Dark_Fax is now known as Dark_Fox
    <Dark_Fox> ok i think ive peaked the humor of that

    -------------

    <pihlopase> Jesus Saves
    <jbroome> pases to moses, SCOOOOORE

    -------------

    *** Zeron is now known as you
    * you farted.
    * you sigh in frustration.
    * you lose
    * you suck at life
    *** Wildfyre is now known as our
    * Goblin_Leecher thinks you need a life
    * our conversation is entirely too weird
    *** Goblin_Leecher is now known as we
    * we are going stir crazy
    * you are going a little too far
    * our laughter fills the offices nearby.
    * you are fired.
    * we need new jobs
    * you agree
    * you wonder when this madness will end
    * we are not sane
    * you are correct
    * our sanity has left?
    <Talathar> you know...if a sane person were to walk in here...they'd be very very confused right about now...
    * you are one with the matrix.

    -------------

    <Kyuss> how big should disk 1 of neverwinter be?
    <JtHM> |<----------------------------->|
    <JtHM> (not to scale)

    ------------

    <riesto> So I discovered that half my students are failing because they just read bash.org every day in class.
    <tumnest> How'd you determine that?
    <riesto> One of them *accidentally* e-mailed me explaining how no one does anything in the class, dumb***es.
    <riesto> So if you're reading this, students, GET TO ****ING WORK! MODULE 10!

    -----------

    <malaclypse> The general rule on about people on IRC seems to be "Attractive, single, mentally stable: choose two"

    -----------

    <Zenith> So I was at work today, signing for a package from UPS..
    <Zenith> When the FedEx guy walks in with a package of his own.
    <Zenith> And at that EXACT moment, a customer changes the channel to TBS and the Mortal Kombat movie is on, right when the fight theme music starts.
    <Nigma> Did they break out into a delivery duel to the death?
    <Zenith> I was prepared for parcel projectiles and fedex fatalities.
    <Zenith> They eyed each other, and I knew something was about to happen...
    <Zenith> But then the guy changed the channel to "Trading Spaces" and the fight was over.

    ---------------

    <andy> moo spelled backwards is moo
    <andy> no wait

    ----------------

    * Qwyxzl growls at his connection
    * Furion sees his virus is working.
    * Qwyxzl gets out his Furion voodoo doll
    * Furion Quit (Ping timeout)
    <Elessa> whoa!

    --------------

    Ignus Firestorm: Do that **** again and I'm getting back on my other SN.
    Ignus Firestorm: And you'll never hear from me again.
    Ignus Firestorm: =]
    CanYouSaySanity: Oh...darn....
    CanYouSaySanity: ...
    CanYouSaySanity: That was by far, the worst threat in the history of mankind.
    CanYouSaySanity: It wouldn't even work on France.

    -------------

    <b3nz0rz>: A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket and said, "Don't you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?" I said "I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too".

    ---------------

    <Darius> What's a round number?
    <Archy> 0

    ----------------

    tohayer: My windows machine crashes scarily
    tohayer: Whatever audio is playing, slows down
    tohayer: Like when Dave is disconnecting Hal's memory
    tohayer: "Ted... Ted... why are you opening the task manager. You're scaring me, Ted"

    ----------------

    Frencheneesz: what if there was a super hero who had the power to transfer his own boredom to his enemies?
    SombrousKnight: how'd he get these powers? gamma radiation while waiting in line at the DMV?
     
  14. CivFan91

    CivFan91 Chieftain

    Joined:
    Sep 1, 2005
    Messages:
    1,590
    Location:
    USA
    I think my above post qualifies as the longest post in CFC history. :eek:
     
  15. vbraun

    vbraun Raytracing

    Joined:
    Jul 7, 2003
    Messages:
    3,530
    Location:
    Arizona, USA
    You haven't been around much have you?
     
  16. Dowhook

    Dowhook Chieftain

    Joined:
    Mar 24, 2006
    Messages:
    6
    My friend said this in trillian last night:

    <expo213> yea dude
    <expo213> okay what the ****
    <expo213> i just found a cork in my pants

    That made me smile.
     
  17. Snow

    Snow Chieftain

    Joined:
    Oct 27, 2005
    Messages:
    102
    Location:
    U.S.A.
    www.fugly.com/victims/
    These all contain very vulgar language and if you don't enjoy the more darker oriented humor you probably shouldn't read them.

    The ones by Johnnycheesedog are all freakin hilarious but I swear I'm going to hell for laughin at this one in particular www.fugly.com/victims/victimx_20/text/

    These are also some of my favorites
    www.fugly.com/victims/victimx_23/text/
    www.fugly.com/victims/cruzingurl82/text/
    www.fugly.com/victims/jeniferuk/text/
    www.fugly.com/victims/azvixen2001/text/
     
  18. Dann

    Dann Green bug

    Joined:
    Feb 24, 2004
    Messages:
    4,179
    Location:
    Shenzhen, China
    :rotfl:

    Good find, Snow. :goodjob:
     
  19. CivFan91

    CivFan91 Chieftain

    Joined:
    Sep 1, 2005
    Messages:
    1,590
    Location:
    USA
    Perhaps it's just me, but I do *not* happen to find that one very funny. Sorry.

    I'll read the rest of it later, but if the rest of the content is of that nature I'll stick with bash.org.
     
  20. Azash

    Azash La Sombra

    Joined:
    Apr 30, 2005
    Messages:
    3,484
    Location:
    The Net
    "I put on my robe and wizard hat.." :lol: I love that one!
     

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