Funny Journal Entries

[ThatGuyChaps]

Constantine Paxinou, Greek Resident of a Small Border-City

I have long rejoiced in the universality of art; but I am torn at what it can do. This is not how I meant it. Two months ago, an elderly Sumerian painter, of 69 years or so, completed his finest project and accompanied it from his countryside villa to a city quite near to our borders. He and his creation arrived recently, but it was not exhibited immediately; instead, he withheld it as reputed artists tend to do, and unveiled his masterpiece only yesterday.

I cannot say what magic took hold of my people because of this painting.

A surge of Sumerian pride spilled into my city and the countryside. Loyal Greeks began to sing praises of the man's work and the accomplishments of a foreign civilization. At first I was ecstatic; I thought it a sign that our peoples-at-war had finally learnt to understand one another, to be drawn into co-existence. This was not the reality.

In weeks the "Sumerian-Fever" translated into civil chaos. The first secessionist movement crippled the city infrastructure for years. The military had to intervene in order to restrain it from ballooning into a broader conflict. Yet today I have many more fellow citizens who deny their heritage. They reject their meals: they say the food is not theirs. They do not work or labour: they say their sweat is not ours. They say they are not Greeks but Sumerians! If only they could feel the frustrations of our forefathers!

Now, learned men congregate in their secretive circles, and conclude that the next generation will be lost to Sumeria. Again do I hear the rumours of rebellion, and with them the rustle of rifles in the night.

I still cannot understand how a painting could do such a thing.

 

[W|M]

Fredrick: Hey, how come those barbarians pillaged that ancient malinese ruins?

Advisor: Well...errr...they're barbarians who pillage everything in sight and...er...they're...kind of coming to get us...

Fredrick: What!!!!!! Hamburg only has one spearman!!!!!!!! And they have TWO axemen!!!!!!

Advisor: Well...We could whip the peasants errr...citizens of Hamburg...

Fredrick: What good will that do????

Advisor: Well...they would make a longbowman and their really good for defending cities, especially one on a hill...

Fredrick: Fine...do it.

Isabella comes in.

Isabella: May I suggest you adopt Judaism?

Fredrick means to say no! but it instead comes out as: We will never give up our beliefs!!!!!

Isabella: You disapoint the heavans...foolish.

Fredrick: Your foolish not to adopt Buddhism you Jew ****.

Isabella: How...how dare you!!!!!! I declare war!!!!!!!!!

Fredrick: Just get out B***h.

Advisor: Isabella has loads of really good units outside Berlin called 'conquistadors'...And we dont know how to make them...

Fredrick: Screw, move the capital to Leipzig!!!!

Advisor: Why not Hamburg?

Frederick: No!, Leipzig

Advisor: How do we get there?

Fredrick: Teleport of course!

Advisor: We could still use the Spearman Vs. Tank strategy

Fredrick: It dosen't work anymore for some reason...Wait a minute...Your really stupid. Your fired!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Advisor=
Fredrick=
Isabella=

 

[MikeH]

From the Annals of Mike the Mad:

'Sire, it was a hard fought battle, but the Spanish city is finally ours. Unfortunately most of the buildings were destroyed in the fighting. What should we build? Walls to derfend against a counter attack or a granary to help the population recover?'

'Build a theatre, general'

'A theatre, sire? The place is in ruins and the enemy are approaching, I hardly think a theatre...'

'Culture is very important, general.'

The general fights an urge to reach for his revolver. 'Very well sire, you're in charge.'

'By the way General I'm sending reinforcements.'

'Excellent sire, who are you sending?'

'Chap called Da Vinci - paints an excellent picture I'm told.'


A letter from an unknown warrior.

Begging your majesty's pardon, but you remember in 2650 BC you told me to come and stand on this hill in the middle of the icy wastes to prevent barbarian uprisings? Well it's now 1965 AD and I'm getting very cold and I havem't seen ny family for almost 5000 years. I don't want to seem ungrateful, but is there any chance of some leave?

 

[tim237]

Diary found in a ditch outside Paris, the Capital of France:

Year 1
As we approached this town protected only by a few Chariots and archers, me and my fellows thought we would take the city with ease. But there was one thing we didn't reckon with: their culture.

Their cultural boundaries are 100% and it has an incredible impact on their defensive abilities. Our men scale the cities only to be blown back by the sheer power of their architecture, art and music. I mean this city is a capital and has been here for many hundreds of years. It almost protects itself.

Year 2:
We've been told that catapults will destroy this powerful culture. I don't know if we'll be able to survive until it arrives. When my Grandfather was conceived it had just left the capital after taking 100 years to build. It has only just got into French territory.

Year 3:
The catapult arrived today. Unfortunately, after it bombarded the city today, we've been told it will be another ten years till it can fire it's next shot. We were told to sit back, fortify and wait till our deaths for the culture to be beaten back. It's a funny old world.

Year 40:
We've taken the city! I lost two-thirds of my batallions comrades. The commander has told us to fortify in the city and regain health.

Year 50:
We fortified in the city for the past five years and what do you know, the two-thirds of my battallion that died are resurrected. Moreover the battle skills we got (City Attack II) were also bestowed on them.

Year 1820:
Still fighting. Loyal servant of the Prime Minister

 

[tim237]

Built a city next to Roman territory. I could've rounded up the horses and taken them back, but apparently a city was a safer option. Ten years later my advisor pops in:

"The people of your new-founded city rightfully demand to join the Roman empire".

RIGHTFULLY?! They don't even speak Latin!

Told my advisor I was the one in charge here. I'll send a few of my men to entertain the citizens with a cabaret or something.

 

[Kessey]

From the journals of Oda Khan, great grand-nephew of Genghis Khan.

We recently converted to Buddhism, and I was told a Great Person was born in our new holy city. I went there and behld the birth a fully-grown old man named Moses. I was so elated by this miricle birth that I chopped his head off. Interestingly enough, from his blood pouring into cracks in the ground, we learned the secrets of Irrigation (not entirely correct in game terms, but I couldn't remember what Moses gives you).

---------------

I recently met Catherine of Russia. She sauntered in and asked, "Is that a treaty in your pocket or are you happy to see me?" We talked for a full year, and in the ned, she gave me the secret to Drama, and I gave her crabs. She conluded our talks by singing some song with the words, "Did you ever know that you're my hero? You're everything I thought I could be!"

Very Bizarre woman...

 

[Crowqueen]

Kessey - was that "crabs" intentional or not?! Please explain soonest otherwise I will throw my pizza up with laughing so much and I don't want to waste £15...

 

[Kessey]

What? Crabs are a good source of food in Civ IV. Where was You mind?

Oh, and sorry about the pizza.

 

[Kessey]

Sorry, double post, and I can't figure out to delete it.

 

[Kessey]

From the Journals of Oda Khan:

Montezuma contacted me recently. It seems a neighboring country expanded its borders a little too much, cutting in to the Aztec's resources. His food was running low, and he was begging me for help. Well, I looked at our rescources and noticed that, after a recent expansion (you start showing a couple plays and suddenly your borders expand...interesting.), we were gaining 10 fish at a time (My adviser called them 'turns,' but I have no idea what that means). My advisor then informed me that the Aztecs were gaining 10 gold per 'turn.' So I sent my advisor to Monty with a deal; 10 gold per 'turn' for 2 fish.

My advisor returned, informing me that, not only did Monty agree, but he was going to sacrifice 100 virgins in my honor (word-for-word reply). I tried to send my advisor back to tell Monty he could keep his gold and just give us the virgins, but he was too busy.

Oh well, at least we got gold out of the deal.

 

[Ceredig]

Augustus Caesar drummed his fingers on the arm of his throne.
"Tell me again!" he ordered.
The little advisor looked nervous as he cleared his throat. "We've had a small set back Emperor."
"Where?"
"In our research, we are currently exploring the mysteries of Alphabet but we ran into a problem."
"How? If I recall correctly the last technology you researched was writing?"
"Yes Emperor."
"How can you be writing if you don't know the alphabet? And if you can write, how can you get stuck on the alphabet?"
The advisor burst into tears, "We don't know! We just got stuck, Caesar. A for Augustus, B for Brutus, C for Caesar, but then it all fell apart!"

 

[BakingTheArt]

From the "diary" of Arius Spetum, circa 100 BC
Today, I was herding the horses like usual, when I had a brilliant idea. You see, all I did was try to ride one of my herd. Suddenly, I heard a crash, and booming voice I could not understand. Next thing I knew, I felt an incredible pain, and passed out. When I woke up, I was floating, as if I was in a giant bath. There was no light, I could not even see my hands in front of me. I could move my arms and legs, but I could not walk or swim. All I had was my diary, which I was carrying at the time.

If anyone finds this, help me!

This diary was found in the rubble of Spetum's house, three days after anyone had last seen him,or his family. This entry was dated a day after his mysterious disappearance.

 

[Banana Bunny]

From the journal of Maverick Tom of the Incan empire, Gunship Battalion Commander:

This is an awesome day. The helicopter gunships have arrived. As promised, sidepod missile launchers, automatic guns, the works!! I did not expect them to arrive so early, since it was only yesterday when our whole battalion sent their horses and rifles away together with an electronic funds transfer to the Incan Bank courtesy of President Capac. Funny how the same old thing happened back a few hundred years ago when we just sent away our elephants, and they delivered horses and rifles the same afternoon. Ah well, I hope that training to fly these gunships ain't as painful as learning how to ride those damn horseys. I heard that war is impending, and training time is likely to be short, but I reckon after several centuries of being alive, I can learn these things pretty quickly.

Excerpt from Incan Daily three days later:

The Incan nation mourns the death of Maverick Tom, intrepid gunship commander. Maverick was killed during intense fighting near the Aztec nation capital. It was reported that the gunship was flying up at high altitudes around the hills of the Aztex capital when it was struck down by a volley of strongbowman arrows. Experts speculated that there may be a design error in the gunship. President Capac has ordered an immediate inquiry.

In other news, Incan tanks are camped right outside of Aztec cities, although losses from Aztec spearman continues to dog our proud and mighty soldiers.

 

[Mundungu]

Dear Diary,

Today my advisor told me that the population was getting angry, because too many people live in our beloved capital.

I told him to whip 1/3 of them to death to finish the sacrificial altar we have been slowly working on for years and teach them a lesson.

Most wonderful thing is that got happy right away ...

Now, what could I do ove the next few thousands years with a bunch of people who gets happy to die by the thousand .... I cant help of thinking of that new material called Copper my scouts over that hill the other day, but how could this be linked ..

Oh well, I'll sleep over it, I'm sure It will come up in the morning ...

 

[Saint Rising]

Diary of Sitting Bull

Day One
Today, the Native American empire has been founded. I don't quite know why we call it the Native American empire, it truthfully doesn't make much sense. However, it is what it is, and who am I to argue with the will of the gods?

 

[Mundungu]

Dear Diary,

my advisor rushed into my study this morning shouting " Your maps have proven that the world is round".
I retorded, full of surprise, "but have have not discovered paper yet!"

+++++

Dear Diary,
your days are counted. My advisor told me we are about one year away to discover that thing called paper. Ever since I learned writing a few thousands year ago, your many pages of thinned cow hide get just too heavy...

 

[Eclipse-X010]

From the President's secret journal:

Today the great scientists of Rome discovered fission, according to them, we now had the technology to make nuclear warheads, I told them to get started on production of bombs but they said we needed rocketry to make nuclear missiles. I asked them why we couldn't just strap the warheads to an airship or a bomber and drop them on enemy cities but they explained that the warheads will only work when attached to a rocket, shame, now I'll have to fight Napoleons massive army of knights the hard way, I better call up the infantry commanders and tell them Operation Blown-Apart-ee is a no-go.

 

[flipsix3]

Unfinished note found in the clenched fist of an unidentified Zulu general, whose body was found trampled into the dry earth of the battlefield at the Mgazi basin.

"My most revered Lord Shaka, may I respectfully suggest that the next time our neighbours request a trade of ivory, in return for their delicious wines, that we do not leave said ivory attached to the...... "

 

[Mechanicalsalvation]

From the journal of a fresh recruit:
I have just arrived at the front trilled by the fact that I live in the same time as HE the pried of our nation, the great general, the unmatched supreme hero ever been born in this world who by his tremendous ability could conquer cities nay nations all by himself.
This incarnated god of war is today yet again standing in his shiny armor at the gates of yet another city to add to the ever glowing and ever growing glory of our peerless empire-nation.
We all see him perfectly relaxed and beaming with confidence and watch how with great roar which stops the blood not only in enemies wains but in ours as well starts his fresh attack. We all know that drinking a glass of water for the rest of us is the same what it is for this immortal hero to do such.
The odds (99,6%) are tremendous uncompromising and it leaves the pathetic fear-struck defenders only with the hope that their death would be as quick as it is certain.
But the fate has a different story to tell, the time is up and our hero leaves our nation to his own. In disbelieve with open mouth and almost unbearable inner pangs we have witnessed how a mosquito killed an elephant, this happens perhaps once in a lifetime of a universe and it did happened now...

 

[BakingTheArt]

Diary of an unknown archer
I have survived the battle! About have of my regiment were casualties, but the city held!

The day started with a red glow in the air, presumably from all the smoke in the air from the Roman scum's soldiers. I had not slept the previous night, patrolling the streets for looters. Many people believed that the city would fall, so they stole as much as they could carry. I am happy to report I had crossbowed three. We were called to the city walls early in the morning, around sunrise. When we arrived at our stations, we were surprised to see Roman soldiers, as far as the eye could see. We barely had enough time to load our bows before the Roman arrows began to whizz through the air. I was hit in the head. This should've killed me, but it felt like I had been slapped by a woman. The others in my regiment felt the same phenomenon. We fired back. Our arrows flew straight and true, killing almost all of the attacking force well before they reached the walls.

During the celebration after the battle, I asked my commander about the arrows. He said, "Babylon has such a high cultural defense, walls and a castle, so their arrows had almost no effect. They know better than to use archers to attack!"

I assumed he was drunk, and left.