German jokes

[Aroddo]

Jokes from Germans, by Germans, or about Germans.

I'll start with that one:
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An American, a Russian and a German are standing in a harbor watching the sea.

American: "You know, our latest submarines just came back from an endurance test. Two years away without visiting a friendly port."
Russian: "Bah, two years is the time our subs can stay submerged! We send our subs on actual five-year missions like that."

The German starts to speak but is interrupted by the sudden sound of a submarine emerging from the sea right next to them. The hatch opens. A man comes out, looks around and focuses on the watching trio. He straightens himself, salutes the men and yells "HEIL HITLER!".

 

[Aroddo]

An American, a French and a German are sitting in a bar. Suddenly Jesus comes through the door. The american asks Jesus if he could cure his bad knee which was hurting for 5 years and Jesus did. The french asks if he could heal his hurting back and Jesus did.
Then Jesus turns to the german who steps back and says: "Stay away from me, I'm on sick leave for 6 weeks!"

 

[Aroddo]

In 1939 a US journalist returns from his visit to Germany. He is asked by his colleagues how the germans are like.
He says: "The Germans are intelligent, honest and national socialists. But you never see them with all three of those traits at the same time.

If they are intelligent and nazis, then they aren't honest.

If they are intelligent and honest, then they aren't nazis.

If they are nazis and honest, then they aren't intelligent.

 

[JamesCaesar]

Not really a German joke, but the only person who laughs at it is my German friend.

Two peanuts were walking down the road. One was assaulted.

 

[classical_hero]

Why are French roads so tree-lined?
So the Germans can march in the shade.

Angela Merkel recently visited France on a holiday and the border security officer recognised her but nevertheless had to process her.
He said: “Name & nationality?”
She said: “Merkel, German”
He said: “Occupation?”
She said: “No, I will only be staying a few days”

 

[Aroddo]

A nun, a blonde, a Dutch and a German are sharing a cabin on a train. The train enters a tunnel and it gets completely dark. When the train leaves the tunnel, the Durch has a bright red impression of a hand on his cheek.

The nun thinks: "The Dutch groped the blonde and got slapped"
The blonde thinks: "The Durch tried to grope me, accidentally groped the nun and got slapped."
The Dutch thinks: "The damn German tried to grope the blonde and I got slapped!"
The German thinks: "There's another tunnel ahead. The second slap will hurt, dutchman."

 

[strijder20]

^That's a good one

 

[Phrossack]

The last two were excellent!

 

[mayor]

I want my bicycle back!

 

[eduhum]

This reminds me Monty Phyton's…:


Link to video.

 

[Phrossack]

This reminds me Monty Phyton's…:


Link to video.

"Suddenly, peace broke out."

"Zere vere zwei peanuts valking down der Strasse. Und vone of ze peanuts vas assaulted... peanut."

 

[Aroddo]

Once upon a time in soviet ruled East Germany...

A man goes to a car salesman and says: "Hello, I would like to buy a car. Can you paint it blue?"
Salesman: "Sure, no problem. Also, may I interest you in sport seats, automatic transmission or chrome rims?"
The customer grows a bit suspicious and asks: "Say, are you making fun of me?"
Salesman: "Hey, you started it!"



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If you don't understand the joke then keep in mind that in the GDR you had atrocious waiting times for new cars. People would order the cars for their children ten years in advance.

 

[Lefty Scaevola]

Troll bait/nationality bashing bait thread; invites nationality/ethnic trolling. Closed