Girl Problems? Ask

[Quinzy]

Unless your a young kid, men and teenagers dont go after women just to be friends.

dude, i have many female friends i wouldn't dream of dating. i have mny i would, but still, i dont have a one track mind and so maybe i'm a minority, but still generalisations like that are what makes women think we're all arseholes.

 

[Eran of Arcadia]

Yeah, I have tried to have female friends just to be friends with them. I, and many guys I know, want more out of life than just having sex with a lot of women.

 

[Civrules]

Obviously a sexual relationship. May not be for marriage.

But no man dates a woman without wanting sex somewhere towards the end. Wether the end is years from then. Or wether they want to go on to get married.

Unless your a young kid, men and teenagers dont go after women just to be friends.

? I'm a little confused.

When a guy asks for a girl's phone number, a guy who knows what he's doing, just wants to find out how FUN the girl is. He wants to hang out with her and get to know her to see if she's qualified enough to be with him. Stop operating under the mentality that the girls are the choosers. Ultimately guys have it a lot better off when it comes to the opposite sex than girls do.

The problem is from the get-go a lot of guys start fantasizing about a romantic/sexual relationships before they even know who the girl is.

They don't invest in patience.
They try too hard to GET SOMEWHERE because they are desperate.

I can understand if the guy is desperate and fantasizes about that stuff even before the girl has said yes.

People date in order to get to know each other better. The first few dates are not a relationship. They can just develop into one.

 

[azzaman333]

Unless your a young kid, men and teenagers dont go after women just to be friends.

I have to disagree with that. I would like to be just friends with a few girls, so I can learn how they act, what they like about me, what they dont like, etc. I can also learn from them to know what makes a girl happy, what makes them sad, etc so when I do look for someone to be more than just a friends, I dont screw everything up by acting like a complete jerk.

 

[Captain2]

okay heres my problem, I havent been able to trust any girl i've ever been out with, they usually come after me going "I LUV U!!!!" and so on, now i'm left standing there knowing they want me to say i love them but I'm almost blowing my mind trying to come up with those words. I know in the back of my head its not going to work and I frankly dislike their inability to know the same thing, I'm 16, the odds of it working are quite small

however due to this i have problems making it past a week of being out with anyone, is it my problem for being reasonable?

 

[ktsk]

People date in order to get to know each other better. The first few dates are not a relationship. They can just develop into one.

Totally agree. Although I seem to be an over-aged relic in this thread (don't ask what I'm doing here since I'm also the "wrong" gender), I dare to comment that never assume anything on the basis of first dates. I used to date just because I liked to meet new people. Heck, I could even have dated girls as well.

So, unless you know the girl really well beforehand, don't expect anything to happen on the first, second or third date. Only after a few meetings you can really tell if there's any possibility for you two to continue to something deeper. The earlier point about gaining trust is very valid here, as well as not giving gifts at the beginning.

And for Sophie, I'm sorry for your experience, but the most important thing you can learn is how to say no, regardless of whose feelings you may hurt. This doesn't mean you can hurt people with no regrets, but it's better to hurt them a little (when saying no) than hurting yourself big time (keeping on doing things you don't want to do).

 

[Civrules]

okay heres my problem, I havent been able to trust any girl i've ever been out with, they usually come after me going "I LUV U!!!!" and so on, now i'm left standing there knowing they want me to say i love them but I'm almost blowing my mind trying to come up with those words. I know in the back of my head its not going to work and I frankly dislike their inability to know the same thing, I'm 16, the odds of it working are quite small

however due to this i have problems making it past a week of being out with anyone, is it my problem for being reasonable?

lol - It isn't your problem at all. Isn't it almost pathetic how fast these lines come up? It's a stupid little societal thing that high school girls (and guys sometimes) follow.
In fact I'll be honest with you and say that this exactly is one of my pet-peeves when it comes to stuff like this. It's WAY too automatic and meaningless. Almost how the word "I'm sorry" is automatic even for the smallest things. You say it but don't mean it. You just assume the other person accepts it because society has driven home it's meaning to the point where it is overused so much that in fact, it is meaningless (if you don't say it right).

Almost certainly, you DO NOT want to start hearing "I LUV U" from day 1, or week 1, or sometimes even moth 1 of a relationship. If you do just put the girl in line and say that fake stuff isn't gonna flow. Or just break up with her because of lack of maturity on her side.

I'm an open book atm, so any other questions I'd love to answer...

PS: Also an extra piece of general advice:
Do not buy the book "Dating for Dummies." I originally thought that it was a good book, but it has a pretty big flaw because it is written from a pretty closed point of view.
It assumes that "attraction" "just happens." One thing about psychology is that EVERYTHING happens for a reason. When you know this fact you find factual meaning behind every little action. What I'm trying to say is that this book doesn't even go into those aspects and that also means that it will not make you understand how to get dates in the first place.

It also follows the concepts of pre-set societal expectations about "dating" pretty blindly with no serious back-up. I should also note that those pre-set societal expectations are just what shoot you in the foot. (Aka, the one who asks for the date should always pay... why would I want to invest in someone I don't even know that could end up hurting me? What is more, it does not create attraction in the first place and does not send the right message.
It's almost funny in some of it's sections of how it takes this whole concept of "dating."

I just thought of an easy way to see whether a book about this subject is worth reading or not. (Follow it at your own risk, but I'm pretty sure this might be true.) If it has index, look up the word "attraction." If the word is not even there (like in "Dating for Dummies," don't even bother with the book). If the word is there, read up on that section, and if it says some of the things you have just learned to be true, then there is a good chance that the writer of the book "gets it."

If anything, reading this book will not necessarily dumb you down, but it will certainly put you on the wrong track.

 

[Gilder]

I have a question. Is the stereotype that if you're aloof to girls, they find you more "attractive?"

Probably not, but it would be nice if a girl would answer.

 

[Civrules]

I have a question. Is the stereotype that if you're aloof to girls, they find you more "attractive?"

Probably not, but it would be nice if a girl would answer.

In general if you are aloof with them they will think that something is wrong with you. But if you are trying to get a girl, you have to act nonchalant with her, WHILE AT THE SAME TIME displaying higher value and making her feel attraction for you by throwing in some negs and questioning her on stuff you don't agree with.

Aloofness alone doesn't make you more attractive. Aloofness and showing HV and throwing negs DOES make you more attractive because then she feels she has to qualify herself to you.

I haven't read what I'm about to say here anywhere (maybe I have but I don't remember), but it's just a gut feeling I have.
I think that it is much easier to get a "hot" looking girl if you are aloof combined with the other two qualities I talked about. That's because hot girls get hit on literally (literally, I've heard it from guy and women experts) dozens of times a day in big cities (disclaimer: in big cities). So by you being aloof, showing higher value, and throwing in negs, she's going to want to qualify herself to you because you aren't like all the other guys that kiss her butt just because she's good-looking. It gets her curious.

 

[Elrohir]

Unless your a young kid, men and teenagers dont go after women just to be friends.

I disagree. I'm a bit younger than you, but I don't think I qualify as a "young kid" (Just a "kid" maybe ) and I have female friends that I am not interested in dating in the slightest.

If that makes me a "young kid" by definition, then so be it, but I'm not going to rule out half the human race as just friends, regardless of what it makes me.

 

[Captain2]

In general if you are aloof with them they will think that something is wrong with you. But if you are trying to get a girl, you have to act nonchalant with her, WHILE AT THE SAME TIME displaying higher value and making her feel attraction for you by throwing in some negs and questioning her on stuff you don't agree with.

okay, heres my problem, i actually treat all girls like that, actually i once got threatened for doing that by some girls boyfriend, yet i wasnt trying to go out with her, thats just how i am, hell i even do that to guys, just girls tend to be the ones to think i'm flirting with them

 

[cegman]

Captain your complaining that you TOO GOOD AT GETTING GIRLS. This is something most guys would kill for. Do you have a problem of not getting the girls you want? I couldn't really understand your original post.

 

[Civrules]

okay, heres my problem, i actually treat all girls like that, actually i once got threatened for doing that by some girls boyfriend, yet i wasnt trying to go out with her, thats just how i am, hell i even do that to guys, just girls tend to be the ones to think i'm flirting with them

You got threatened by a girl's boyfriend because you were aloof with her?
lol - When a girl's boyfriend threatens you for that, it means that he feels vulnerable.
Not only that, it’s not even the way for him to deal with a threat. (And yes, YOU are a threat.) The girl’s boyfriend will usually try to befriend you in order to get rid of that threat, but he doesn't get that.

Correct me if I'm wrong (and I may be wrong), but when aloof, it is pretty hard for the other person to detect that you are flirting. That’s why it works. Subtlety. What exactly do you do in terms of eye-contact, and other body language?

 

[Captain2]

a bit of eye contact and body language differs depending on weither or not i'm joking, usually i rely on facal expressions more than body language

Captain your complaining that you TOO GOOD AT GETTING GIRLS

heh... yeah the problem is i cant find a single one i actually like..... it sucks, its like finding a key that opens every door in a building, only to find out its a pile of broom closets

 

[Neonanocyborgasm]

Civrules,

Just wanted to thank you for spreading some good information (as opposed to the misinformation spread by many who think they know, but don't). Someone has to teach the young generation the truth, and not the false cultural paradigms of courtship that have no basis in fact.

As an older civer (33), I can stipulate that everything you say is 100% true. I have played both sides -- the nice guy, and the aloof, jerk-like character -- and I can tell you that the nice guy really does finish last.

 

[Captain2]

thats true... i used to get stepped on until i stopped being nice, i actually have one girl to thank for that, she kept leading me on and asking me to do things for her, then i found out she had been only doing it for the perks

i i prefer being the aloof

 

[C~G]

Someone has to teach the young generation the truth, and not the false cultural paradigms of courtship that have no basis in fact.

-- the nice guy, and the aloof, jerk-like character -- and I can tell you that the nice guy really does finish last.

Funny that you mention false cultural paradigms of courthsip and the biggest stereotypes of male behaviour based into those cultural paradigms of courtship in the same message.

Those stereotypes are as much of true as women being either madonnas or well you know what.

 

[Civrules]

Civrules,

Just wanted to thank you for spreading some good information (as opposed to the misinformation spread by many who think they know, but don't). Someone has to teach the young generation the truth, and not the false cultural paradigms of courtship that have no basis in fact.

As an older civer (33), I can stipulate that everything you say is 100% true. I have played both sides -- the nice guy, and the aloof, jerk-like character -- and I can tell you that the nice guy really does finish last.

Thank you. I appreciate it.
Ultimately we all have to thank the guys who actually spent years out in the field gathering and putting the right information (as nature intended it to be) and then being generous enough to share it for us all to reap the benefits.

Most people don’t look to understand these things on a deeper level. The thing about life is that intriguing situations are like folded pieces of paper spread out everywhere. Most people bypass these pieces of paper knowing that there must be more to them – never to actually taking the time to unfold and gather the information.
Once someone takes action in unfolding and trying to understand something, a WHOLE new world opens.
Actually the subject matter we’re talking about in this thread is far deeper than what is presented in it.
Hard to believe, since when I was the nice guy I had the most superficial understanding of how this worked, and refused to believe that there was more.

 

[Junglecutter]

Civrules,

Just wanted to thank you for spreading some good information (as opposed to the misinformation spread by many who think they know, but don't). Someone has to teach the young generation the truth, and not the false cultural paradigms of courtship that have no basis in fact.

As an older civer (33), I can stipulate that everything you say is 100% true. I have played both sides -- the nice guy, and the aloof, jerk-like character -- and I can tell you that the nice guy really does finish last.

I still don't get why nice guys finish last...would it mean that being a jerk can get u more girls?

 

[Trajan12]

I still don't get why nice guys finish last...would it mean that being a jerk can get u more girls?

No, just that it is ok to be nice but do it on your own terms not hers. You can't be a doormat, women like a man that is in control of things around him. You can be nice but still not be a pushover, they will find you very uninteresting.