Historical Joke Thread

[LouLong]

This one is a joke :

Gorbatchev wakes up in the morning and opens the window (guess it is summer time then). Here the sun starts to speak to him and greet him : "Oh Gorbatchev, leader of the people, master of the world and of communism paradise, I salute you and respect you.".
Gorbatchev is really pleased and go on his daily duties with pride and joy.
At lunch break he opens a window again and the he sees the bright noon sun that repeats nearly the same thing.
After a long day's work, Gorbatchev goes home tired and thinks he would not mind being reconforted by the sun's kind words. He then opens the window but the sun remain silent. After a while he calls for the sun and asks him about what is going on.
Eventually the sun answers but with a much sharper tone and says :"Hey, I am free now, I moved to the West, so I don't need to make you beleive anything".

 

[Serutan]

Funny ACW story:

In 1862 Gen. John Pope was given command of the Army of
the Potomac. Not known for his modesty or tact, Pope
immediately announced that his headquarters "would be in the
saddle", a slap at the previous commander, McClellan.

When this became known, Confederate soldiers pointed out that
Pope's headquarters were where his hindquarters ought to be.

---

In Russia, a train came suddenly to the end of the tracks.
What would happened if the train contained :

Lenin - He would have ordered extra work days to lay more track.
Stalin - He would have had all peasants in a 50 km radius shot
on suspicion of sabotage, and brought in prisoners to lay
new track.
Krushchev - He would have had track taken up behind the train,
and relaid in front of the train.
Brezhnev - He would have closed the curtains on the train, and
had it rock back and forth.
Gorbachev - He would have leaped from the train, yelling
"No tracks!"


-----

Carter, Nixon, and Ted Kennedy were in a cruise ship when
it struck an iceberg.

Carter : "Women and Children first!"
Nixon : "F#$% the women and children!"
Kennedy : "Do we have time?"

 

[Kan' Sharuminar]

I can't remember where I saw this, so I'm not typing it word for word...


During the second world war, a German child asks his father how big Britain is. His father finds a world map, and points out the United Kingdom, her colonies and the Commonwealth nations.

The child then asks his father where Russia is. His father shows him the great expanse of the Soviet Union, spanning from Europe to the Pacific Ocean.

Ever curious, the child wonders about the location of the United States. The father points out North America, and shows his son the U.S.A, spanning across the entire continent.

Finally, the child asks how big Germany is. His father shows him central Europe, and in the middle is Germany, crushed between all the empires of the old world.

"I see," says the child. "Dad, has Mr Hitler seen this map?"

 

[privatehudson]

Which reminds me of...

Edmund: Do you mean "How did the war start?"
Baldrick: Yeah.
George: The war started because of the vile Hun and his villainous empire- building.
Edmund: George, the British Empire at present covers a quarter of the globe, while the German Empire consists of a small sausage factory in Tanganyika. I hardly think that we can be entirely absolved of blame on the imperialistic front.

 

[Kan' Sharuminar]

I think Blackadder jokes shoud be banned from this thread...it makes it far too easy

[Well, you've come to the right place, Bob. A war hasn't been fought this badly since Olaf the Hairy, chief of all the Vikings, accidentally ordered eighty thousand battle helmets with the horns on the inside]

 

[DAv2003]

To that Stalin answered : good, the Vatican, how many divisions ?

Actually what it was, was during a meeting of the 'Big Three' when the invasion of Italy was being discussed, Churchill was concerned about what the Pope would feel when troops reached Rome. To which Stalin replied "The Pope? How many divisions does he have?"

Anyway here's a joke from Russia during the purges:

Two men are sitting in a park when one turns to the other and says "What do you think of Stalin Comrade?"
The other man says "The same thing as you Comrade."
So the first man says "In that case, I'll have to shoot you."

 

[Bugfatty300]

Ok, this one is kind of graphic but still kind of funny....

In 1910 a group of US soldiers in Mindanao where attacked and surrounded by Moro Tribesmen. After a fierce battle the the tribesmen captured the last 3 living Americans.

The Moro cheif told them that since they fought so bravely he would grant each any wish before they would be killed.

The first soldier, an officer, asked for a single bullet and his service revolver so he could take his own life. The tribesman granted his wish and the officer used the revolver on himself. The two other soldiers watched as the officer's body was skinned and the hide strecthed and used to build a canoe.

The next soldier asked for some alone time with a beuatiful Filipino girl. After he was done he was beheaded, and like the officer he was skinned and the hide used to make another canoe.

The last soldier, a private, asked for a fork from his knapsack. The tribesmen were confused by such a strange request but gave him the fork anyway. As soon as the private took a hold of the fork, he began to jab it deeply into his skin repeadedly all over his body and said:

"Ha! So much for your f-ing canoe!"

 

[MamboJoel]

I can't remember where I saw this, so I'm not typing it word for word...


During the second world war, a German child asks his father how big Britain is. His father finds a world map, and points out the United Kingdom, her colonies and the Commonwealth nations.

The child then asks his father where Russia is. His father shows him the great expanse of the Soviet Union, spanning from Europe to the Pacific Ocean.

Ever curious, the child wonders about the location of the United States. The father points out North America, and shows his son the U.S.A, spanning across the entire continent.

Finally, the child asks how big Germany is. His father shows him central Europe, and in the middle is Germany, crushed between all the empires of the old world.

"I see," says the child. "Dad, has Mr Hitler seen this map?"

Very cute

 

[privatehudson]

Sometimes in Britain we say that America fought/are fighting in Vietnam, Grenada and Iraq because they were late for the last two world wars, so they're trying to make up for it by being early for the third

 

[Adler17]

A Prussian noble man once asked Frederick the reat for permission to be escorted in his coach by a postillion with a post horn. Frederick´s reply: "He is allowed to wear all kinds of horns but no post horn."

Adler

 

[Civlord]

Great jokes !

 

[silver 2039]

Yes keep them coming. Any more?

 

[Verbose]

In Russia, a train came suddenly to the end of the tracks.
What would happened if the train contained :

Lenin - He would have ordered extra work days to lay more track.
Stalin - He would have had all peasants in a 50 km radius shot
on suspicion of sabotage, and brought in prisoners to lay
new track.
Krushchev - He would have had track taken up behind the train,
and relaid in front of the train.
Brezhnev - He would have closed the curtains on the train, and
had it rock back and forth.
Gorbachev - He would have leaped from the train, yelling
"No tracks!"

Similar structured stories.

About the three unifiers of Japan in the later 16th c. Oda Nobunaga, Toyotomi Hideyoshi and Tokugawa Ieyasu.
All three were once presented with a canary that refuse to sing:
"I'll kill it if it doesn't sing!" Oda Nobunaga burst out.
"I'll make it sing", was Hideyoshi's reaction.
And finally the eventual victor of all the power struggles, Ieyasu, calmly said:
"I'll wait until it sings."

And one about how differently the three Baltic states handled the collapse of the Soviet union. In all three countries were all these statues of Lenin. What was to be done with them?
In Lithuania a govt. comission was appointed to look into the eventual removal of the Lenin statues, or possibly not.
In Lattvia people spontaneously took to the streets and collective pulled them down in a display of public determination.
While in Esthonia a local busness man picked up his cell-phone, called his Finnish business partner and arranged to have the statues taken down to be sold as scrap metal.

 

[nonconformist]

Mussolini, Hitler and Stalin are in an airplane, flying to Berlin, to talk.
During this flight, there is a contest of who has the bravest soldiers (as each brought along a number of guards), and eventally Stalin won. How?
Well Mussolini says "My a-blackshirts-a are the bravest-a around. Mario, Donatello, shoot yourselves!"
Immediately two blacksirts appear, and reservedly take out their pistols. rembling, they eventually shoot themselves.
Hitler says "Ach! Das ist nothing! Meine SS guards are ze greatest on Earth, Ja! Look! Hans, Fritz, Johann, Karl, Ernst, Markus, Pietr, Wilhelm, jump out ze door! Schnell!"
Immediately, this squad of SS goostep right out of the door, without uttering so much as a sound.
Hitler looks at Stalin with a look of Triumph.
"Da, Towarish Hitler, well watch this. Vasili, come here!"
A single young conscipt walks up to Stalin.
"Vasili, jump out of the window, for the Motherland!"
And the young Vasili answers
"You must be out of your mind, Towarisch Stalin!"

 

[Adler17]

A bit late for history but since they are no rulers anymore:
The pope JP II, Kohl, Clinton, Yelzin and a pilot fly over the US to Camp David. Suddenly the motors of the machine stop. The pilot comes in and says: "We are going down and don´t have any possibility to make a safe landing. That´s why we have to bail out. However we have only 4 parachutes." "Well, I am the most important man in the western hemisphere and I have to be secured" speaks Clinton and jumps out. "I äm ze säcend most important man in ze wästern hämisphiere änd häve to be säcured" says Kohl and bails out. "Hicks, da, I am the hicks, leader of Russia and without me a catastrophy happens there. Hicks, I have to be secured" says the, a bit drunk (for a Russian) Yelzin and jumps out. "My son, I am an old man...", the pope says but is stopped by the pilot. "It´s okay, sir. We can both now eject safely because Yelzin took my backpack."

Yelzin, Kohl and Clinton are stnading in front of god. Kohl asks the Lord: "When will my people live in real good conditions?" God answers: "Well, in 10 years." The Kohl turns away and cries heavily. Then Clinton asks the same question and god replies: "Well, in about 30 years." Then Clinton turns away and cries heavily. At last Yelzin gets the courage to ask: "And when will my people live in really good conditions?" Then the Lord turns away and cries heavily.

Adler

 

[Gelion]

Okay.........
WW2 Russian Front.
Germans and Russians in trenches. Suddently there's an attack from the Russian side. Everyne gets up and chargers at German trenches shouting "For Motherland!"
Germans: "Time to run away!"
Really experienced Fritz: "Not now". Takes out a gun and shoots. Russians duck for cover.
5 minutes later a comissar stands up: "For Stalin!" Russians get up and charge.
Germans: "Time to run away!"
Fritz: "Not now. Takes out a gun and shoots. Russians duck for cover.
5 minutes later a comissar stands up: "For Comrade Lenin, Hurray!" Russians get up and charge.
Gemans: "Now is really ze time to run!"
Fritz: "Not yet". Same happens.
5 mintues later the Russian commisar stands up... face in mud, clothes in mud: "F*** I don't f***en get this!!!!!"
Fritz: "Now its time to run"....

 

[nonconformist]

It is the end of the war. Germany lies in ruins, its soldiers being led away to prison camps.
Stuck between the American and the Russian lines, is a company of experienced German soldiers. Their officer calls a meeting.
"Soldiers" he says "We have fought long and hard.ssians to the East, the Americans to the West.
My soldiers, I see no choice but to attack, and die heroically, for our honour!
But, my noble knights, I leave it to you to decide our fate, as I am proud to have served with you".
Everything is quiet.
Suddenly a solitary voice pipes up from the back.
"So you're asking us whether to attack the Americans or Russians?"
"Indeed"
"The Americans then" the voice pipes back "After all; business before pleasure".

 

[Steph]

During WWI, in the trenches...

The German suffer a lot of casualties from a French sniper. He is using a very clever tactic : he set very careful at the limit of his trench, only his gun above it. And then he shout "Franz!". As all the German are called Franz, and they are very polit, there is always one to stand up and say "Ja?" and then he's shot.

After a while, a German understand his tactics, and decide to retaliate.. He he set very careful at the limit of his trench, only his gun above it. And then he shout "Gérard!". As all the French are called Gérard and are very polite, he thinks one will stand up and he can shoot him... So he shout "Gérard!" And the French line comes a voice "Is that you Franz?". "Ja" answer the German and he stands up...

 

[RegentMan]

These jokes are great!

 

[nonconformist]

A German boy in his teens is speaking to his grandfather.
The grandfather is speaking of his youth.
"When I was in Paris" the grandfather says" We pissed up the side of the Arc de Triomphe, got drunk in the streets, and we slapped every French woman's ass we found!"
A couple of months later, the Grandfather and the grandson meet again.
The grandson is decidedly glum.
"What is the matter?" Asks the grandfather.
"I was in Paris last month; we pissed up the side of the Arc de Triomphe, but the Frenchmen beat us up, we stayed up drunk in the streets, but we were arrested, and we slapped every Frenchwoman's ass, but their fiances beat us!"
"Who did you go with?" asks the Grandfather
"A travel-agents!"
"Well, there is your problem!"
"Why, who did you go with, Grandfather?"
"The Wehrmacht, of course!"

A Frenchman and a German are in the barracks of the European defence force, in these days of European solidarity.
The Frenchman tells the German "Ha! We have conquered your pitiful excuse of a country twice in ze last hundred years!"
"Ja? But never in six veeks!"