Historical Jokes Thread

Japanrocks12

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I'll start out with a lame contribution and others can up the ante.

Q: What did Khusrau II say to his messenger after he read the letter sent to him by the Prophet Muhammad?

Spoiler :
A: It's satrap!
 
Not really a joke, but kudos have to go to Photius for the joke he played on the Patriarch Ignatius. In the words of Norwich, it is perhaps the one truely great practical joke in the history of theology.
 
How does King Tut's secretary answer his calls? "He can't talk right now, he's all wrapped up."

:egypt:
 
Most decent historical jokes are situational. :undecide:
 
Just remembered one!
"I have turned their refectory into a reflectory because now all they can do is reflect on how to feed themselves."
-Attributed to Basil II after he broke up a large monastary.
 
Post them here and we can appreciate them anyway!
That requires too much context. However, here are a few late antique jokes. I blame Guy Halsall et al. for these.

A conversation between the bishop Fructuosus and the praeses (Roman official) Aemilianus (259/60):

Aemilianus: "Episcopus es?" (Are you the bishop?)
Fructuosus: "Sum." (I am.)
Aemilianus: "Fuisti." (You were.)
[Aemilianus orders the bishop to be burnt alive.]
-Acta Fructuosus Tarraconensis 2.8-9

---

Nuper erat medicus, nunc est vispillo Diaulus: quod vispillo facit, fecerat et medicus.

"Recently Diaulus was a doctor, now he is an undertaker. What he does as an undertaker, he did as a doctor."
-Martial, Epigram 1.47

---

An early Brick Joke:

"In Gregory of Tours' Histories (2.27) the still pagan Clovis had plundered a Christian church and made off with an urceus [a pitcher] of great size and beauty. The bishop begged, and Clovis agreed to return it. When Clovis asked for the vase 'in addition to his share', most were obliging, but one soldier struck the vase with his battle-axe: Clovis was not to get anything beyond his fair share. The vase must have stayed intact, because Clovis gave it to the bishop and nursed his injured amour propre. A year later at weapons inspection, he told the soldier, urcei percussorem (vase-murderer), that his arms were not in good trim, and knocked his battle-axe out of his hand. As he bent over, Clovis imbedded his own axe in his head. 'Sic, inquid, tu Sexonas in urceo illo fecisti' - 'This is what you did at Soissons to that vase.'"
-Danuta Shanzer
 
Dionysius the Elder of Syracuse had expansive literary tastes, and surrounded himself with men like Plato and the poet Philoxenus. His attitude to them was arbitrary, making them fear for their life if he didn’t like what they said. Philoxenus got sent to the quarries for criticizing the tyrant’s attempts at poetry. On the pleas of friends, Dionysius released him to listen to another hearing of his latest poems, whereupon Philoxenus said simply “take me back to the mines” (LOL !).

Although Dionysius’ poems had been hissed at in past Olympics, his drama The Ransom of Hector finally won the contest at the Lenaea festival in Athens. Traditionally, he was so elated that he engaged in a debauch that finally killed him from overdrinking
 
I'll try a few

"A diplomat is someone who is sent to lie abroad for his country". Renaissance English diplomat - comment got him into some trouble.

"Treason is largely a matter of dates". Talleyrand, early 19th century french diplomat who would know - he was famous for his instinct of when to turn on his master to get on the good side of whoever would come to power.

"The Balkans produce more history than can be consumed locally."
 
Enlighten the Byzantine History inept.
Ignatius was the patriach who, according to Norwich, was fairly closed-minded while Photius was the intellectual. In what amounts to Patriarch-trolling Photius proposed a deeply heretical idea (can't remember what it was) and Ignatius jumped on it, endorsing it and claiming he understood the theological implications of it. Photius then withdrew it claiming he had misread a part of some theological text and it was a very stupid mistake on his part (implying the Patriach was stupid).
 
Ignatius was the patriach who, according to Norwich, was fairly closed-minded while Photius was the intellectual. In what amounts to Patriarch-trolling Photius proposed a deeply heretical idea (can't remember what it was) and Ignatius jumped on it, endorsing it and claiming he understood the theological implications of it. Photius then withdrew it claiming he had misread a part of some theological text and it was a very stupid mistake on his part (implying the Patriach was stupid).

I never heard about that. I would be interested to know what the heresy and text were.

On a similar note, a famous wit of the fourth century was the Novatianist bishop of Constantinople, Sisinnius. The Novatianists were a schismatic church, so Sisinnius was a rival to John Chrysostom, each claiming to be the genuine bishop of the city. I'll just quote what Socrates says about him:

Socrates said:
It will not be out of place here, I conceive, to give some account of Sisinnius. He was, as I have often said, a remarkably eloquent man, and well-instructed in philosophy. But he had particularly cultivated logic, and was profoundly skilled in the interpretation of the holy Scriptures; insomuch that the heretic Eunomius often shrank from the acumen which his reasoning displayed. As regards his diet he was not simple; for although he practised the strictest moderation, yet his table was always sumptuously furnished. He was also accustomed to indulge himself by wearing white garments, and bathing twice a day in the public baths. And when some one asked him ‘why he, a bishop, bathed himself twice a day?’ he replied, ‘Because it is inconvenient to bathe thrice.’ Going one day from courtesy to visit the bishop Arsacius, he was asked by one of the friends of that bishop, ‘why he wore a garment so unsuitable for a bishop? and where it was written that an ecclesiastic should be clothed in white?’ ‘Do you tell me first,’ said he, ‘where it is written that a bishop should wear black?’ When he that made the inquiry knew not what to reply to this counter-question: ‘You cannot show,’ rejoined Sisinnius, ‘that a priest should be clothed in black. But Solomon is my authority, whose exhortation is, “Let thy garments be white.” And our Saviour in the Gospels appears clothed in white raiment: moreover he showed Moses and Elias to the apostles, clad in white garments.’ His prompt reply to these and other questions called forth the admiration of those present. Again when Leontius bishop of Ancyra in Galatia Minor, who had taken away a church from the Novatians, was on a visit to Constantinople, Sisinnius went to him, and begged him to restore the church. But he received him rudely, saying, ‘Ye Novatians ought not to have churches; for ye take away repentance, and shut out Divine mercy.’ As Leontius gave utterance to these and many other such revilings against the Novatians, Sisinnius replied: ‘No one repents more heartily than I do.’ And when Leontius asked him ‘Why do you repent?’ ‘That I came to see you,’ said he. On one occasion John the bishop having a contest with him, said, ‘The city cannot have two bishops.’ ‘Nor has it,’ said Sisinnius. John being irritated at this response, said, ‘You see you pretend that you alone are the bishop.’ ‘I do not say that,’ rejoined Sisinnius; ‘but that I am not bishop in your estimation only, who am such to others.’ John being still more chafed at this reply, said, ‘I will stop your preaching; for you are a heretic.’ To which Sisinnius good-humoredly replied, ‘I will give you a reward, if you will relieve me from so arduous a duty.’ John being softened a little by this answer, said, ‘I will not make you cease to preach, if you find speaking so troublesome.’ So facetious was Sisinnius, and so ready at repartee: but it would be tedious to dwell further on his witticisms.

It's possible that the never-ending stream of hilarity that flowed from Sisinnius has lost something in translation.
 
I never heard about that. I would be interested to know what the heresy and text were.
I'll see if I can track down Norwich's source.
 
Who can lead the armies of the Mongolian empire?
Spoiler :
Genghis Khan! (It's a pun)
 
How many boards would the Mongols hoard of the Mongol horde got bored?
 
9.5 for the Calvin and Hobbes reference, 2 for the execution because you replaced "if" with "of" and forgot that "hordes" was plural :undecide:

:p
 
Oh, hello, Vienna, I brought you some Turkey. What, you no like? I'm sorry, I thought you were Hungary.

I came up with it myself.
 
My French history professor introducted Bonaparte's Hundred Days by asking why the emperor fled captivity.

The answer? "No elba room".

He has a fondness for puns that make people groan loudly enough to be heard downstairs.
 
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