Historical Jokes Thread

[carmen510]

Historical Pick-up Lines:

I'll be your secretary of the interior!

I bet if Jefferson had met you he would have vetoed the Non-Intercourse Act.

Want to go back to my place and discuss Big Stick Diplomacy?

 

[Tee Kay]

Subscribed.

 

[privatehudson]

Not sure if this counts but I was listening to a BBC radio programme called the News Quiz and the panellists were talking about jobs that they'd had before becoming a broadcaster/comedian. One mentioned that her last job had been to work in the Bodleian Library. One day she overheard conversation between an American tourist and another member of staff which went roughly:

Tourist: This building sure is nice
Staff Member: Yes madam, its very historic
Tourist: Is it pre-war?
Staff Member: Madam this building is pre-America...

 

[Serutan]

Not a joke as such, but...

In October 1864 Jefferson Davis made a speech when he said that the Conferderacy could make
Gerneral Shermans's army (then occupying Atlanta,GA) re-enact Napoleon's retreat from Moscow.

When U.S. Grant heard of this, he remarked, "Mr. Davis has not made it quite plain who is to
furnish the snow for this Moscow retreat".

 

[sophie]

Not sure if this counts but I was listening to a BBC radio programme called the News Quiz and the panellists were talking about jobs that they'd had before becoming a broadcaster/comedian. One mentioned that her last job had been to work in the Bodleian Library. One day she overheard conversation between an American tourist and another member of staff which went roughly:

Tourist: This building sure is nice
Staff Member: Yes madam, its very historic
Tourist: Is it pre-war?
Staff Member: Madam this building is pre-America...

I chuckled.

 

[KaiserElectric]

Not a joke as such, but...

In October 1864 Jefferson Davis made a speech when he said that the Conferderacy could make
Gerneral Shermans's army (then occupying Atlanta,GA) re-enact Napoleon's retreat from Moscow.

When U.S. Grant heard of this, he remarked, "Mr. Davis has not made it quite plain who is to
furnish the snow for this Moscow retreat".

That one was good.

 

[Plotinus]

Not sure if this counts but I was listening to a BBC radio programme called the News Quiz and the panellists were talking about jobs that they'd had before becoming a broadcaster/comedian. One mentioned that her last job had been to work in the Bodleian Library. One day she overheard conversation between an American tourist and another member of staff which went roughly:

Tourist: This building sure is nice
Staff Member: Yes madam, its very historic
Tourist: Is it pre-war?
Staff Member: Madam this building is pre-America...

I'm sure we could fill a thread with jokes supposedly told by Oxford tour guides at the expense of American tourists.

Actually, American tourists in Oxford can be quite funny. One asked me once if I could tell them which way Salisbury was. This stumped me, as I wondered if perhaps that was a college I had never heard of, until they added, "To see Stonehenge?"

 

[Cheezy the Wiz]

There is, quite incidentally, a college in my state in a city named "Salisbury."

Here is an amusing anecdote, the source from which I cannot recall:

The setting is in newly-unified Germany. An imperial officer, after having failed to "win" during a series of war games, is castigated by his superior officer. "But I followed every command, every regulation!" he protested, "why did I still get failing marks? What did I do wrong?" The general remained unmoved. "You were commissioned because the Kaiser trusted you to know when to exceed your commands."

 

[Steph]

Richelieu was seated at a dinner near a lady showing quite a lot of imposant cleavage.
He took an apple and gave it to her.
The lady asked "why do you give me an apple?"
Answer "it's only after Eve ate the apple that she realized she was naked".

 

[privatehudson]

I'm sure we could fill a thread with jokes supposedly told by Oxford tour guides at the expense of American tourists.

Well if you don't believe in the honesty of a British comic I'm not going to believe your anecdote either

 

[LightSpectra]

General Plumer before the Battle of Messines (1917), in which the Allied plan was to detonate 450 tons of TNT underneath the German trenches prior to an attack:

"Gentlemen, we may not make history tomorrow, but we shall certainly change the geography."

 

[W|M]

When white men found America, Native Americans were running it.
There were:

- No Taxes
- No Debt
- Plenty of food for everyone
- Universal Healthcare

And people think that America is now the greatest country on Earth?

 

[KaiserElectric]

Would you like to hear a historical joke?

The Carter Presidency.

 

[Ajidica]

Like to hear a good joke?

Spoiler :

Women's Rights.

And:

Spoiler :

It is sad that women are injured in wars. That means they are out of the kitchen.

 

[Japanrocks12]

Ugh way to derail this you guys

 

[Cynovolans]

When Larry King covered the Egyptian uprising he interviewed Moses first.

Moses thought it was all a pyramid scheme.

 

[Jouzou]

Napoleon and Bismarck were in Heaven and watched WWII. Bismarck looked at Germany and said: "If I had had tanks like that, I would have led our nation to world domination." Napoleon looked at the Soviet Union and said: "And if I had had press like that, nobody would to this date know that I lost in Waterloo."
---
During the Cold War, an American and a Russian argue which country's system is better. The American says: "In my country we have freedom of speech. It means I can go to the White House and shout: 'Nixon is an a-hole!'" "We have freedom of speech, too!" retorts the Russian "I can go to the Kremlin and shout: 'Nixon is an a-hole!'"
---
What was the title of the Russian Emperor? - Czar
How about his wife? - Czarina
How about their kids? - Czardine

 

[BuckyRea]

Abraham Lincoln and John F Kennedy walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Well, isn't this quite a coincidence. What'll you boys have?"

Lincoln says, "I'll take a shot."

Kennedy says, "Make mine a double."

 

[aronnax]

When Kemal Ataturk retook the City of Izmir from the Greeks, he walked into one of the finest 5 star Hotels in Izmir and headed to the bar and ordered his favourite drink, a raki.
He then asked the barman: "So, did King Constantine ever order raki here?"
Barman:"No, he didn't"
Kemal: "So why did he bother taking the city then?"



Another one

During WWII, after a very successful Greek counter attack against the Italian army in Albania/Epirus.
A French bordertown in Vichy France cheekily put up a sign that said. "Greek Army! Stop your advance, this is French territory"

 

[LightSpectra]

Alexander the Great and Diogenes of Sinope once met in Corinth. Alexander noticed that Diogenes was searching through a pile of human bones, and inquired as to what he was doing. Diogenes replied, "I am looking for the bones of your father, but cannot distinguish them from those of a slave."