How Simon Bolivar Got His Continent Back
- Thread starter constantinople
- Start date
constantinople
not Istanbul
Chapter Dos (Equis)
Now, liberating a continent may sound easy on paper, but in reality, the task is quite difficult. Fortunately, if you're Simon Bolivar, it's as easy as 1, 2, 6; easier, in fact. Simon Bolivar made what's known as a "bucket list" (also known as a f*** it! list) of lands which he had to liberate with his ships and guns.
This archaic script was translated into legible Fxcghfjkpwwwnccn below:
Countries to liberate
1. Peru
2. British Colonies
6. Argentina
4. Swaziland
3. New Bedford
9. Sourdough
2 1/2. LIMITED TIME OFFER - BUY ONE SOFA, GET ANOTHER FREE! AVAILABLE AT SELECT WAL-MART® STORES!
First on the list was the independent nation of Peru. Although technically not a part of Spain, the nation was paradoxically so atrociously independent, Peru was de facto Spain, and Spain was de facto Peru. Indeed, the Peruvians needed to be liberated from themselves and the Spanish Crown.
Peru was ruled by the tyrannical Hyena Tupac, and although his name sounds pretty f***king cool, he was really a total ****bag. He was working to equitably redistribute land, power, and wealth, allowing for universal suffrage and emancipation of the slaves, values completely contradictory to the definition of freedom and liberty Simon Bolivar held. Bolivar shuddered just thinking about it Yes, yes, the swift and firm hand of liberty would have to be slapped across the tiny nation of Peru to ensure the freedom and proper treatment of its locals.
So Bolivar nonchalantly loaded a galleon with guns and cannons, which inconspicuously hovered a few miles above the mountains of Peru. Keep in mind, the Erflings were a primitive and underdeveloped people. They did not possess positron-powered weaponry or have the ability to telepathically explode the craniums of their enemies. They couldn't even balvhdsdsdhsdadbggl! By that standard, the Erflings were hardly a form of life at all. But this digression is pointless. Bolivar worked with what little nature dealt him.
An emissary was sent to the Peruvian capital to deliver a fashion tip to Tupac: your head would look good at the end of a pole. Knowing that Tupac was incredibly body conscious and hated taking advice, he interpreted this correctly as a declaration of war and delivered the emissary's severed head back to Colombia on a 50 foot pole. Henceforth, applications for emissaryship would drop with every passing year and every passing war, which occurred quite frequently.
Colombian soldiers made landfall outside of the city of La Pez Dispenser, a city which dispensed mass quantities of silver and gold instead of delicious sugary treats. Lurking in the mountains, it was manifest the city may take longer than expected to fall - as long as 3 and a half days.
The north, the large Colombian army crossed the border with minimal difficulty, aside from a minor skirmish with the border guards.
"Sirs, can we please see your passports?"
"No, you don't understand, we're at war with each other! We don't need to show you out damned passports!"
"Sir, throwing a tantrum will only make you have to wait here longer. Now please allow me to stamp your passports!"
![[pissed]](/images/smilies/pissed.gif "Pissed [pissed]")
"THIS. IS. A. WAR! WE DON'T NEED TO SHOW YOU SQUAT! LET US THROUGH OR WE'LL KILL YOU!"
"Sir, don't get testy. Do I have to call security?"
*hands over passports*
"Thank you, sir. Was that really so hard?"
The army consisted of riflemen, cannonry, and albinos. Indeed, the albinos would prove to be the backbone and gallbladder of the Colombian military. Trained in the art of war from birth, albinos became heartless killing machines incapable of fear or compassion. In other words, the likeness of El Presidente Simon Bolivar.
Meanwhile, the Colombian navy, the frigg'n 8s, were brought in to bombard the capital of Lima Bean from the shores. Remember, when we say navy, we mean vessels which displace their mass in dihydrogen monoxide, and not as we know the definition, machines which are capable of traversing through the 5th and 18th dimensions. Also, they slice bagels.
Simontaneously, La Pez was bombarded to the south by the galleon-escorted soldiers. The Peruvians lacked a good fighting force themselves, their army utilizing dirt-age longbows and AK-47s, so those cowardly rascals hid in the mountains like a flock of babies, entrenching themselves in their own timidity. But Bolivar knew that after being assaulted by a few trillion cannon balls, their fortresses would collapse like granny's crappy old souffle cakes.
The Peruvians tried to fight back, but resistance was quite frankly shown to be futile, especially after the Peruvian bullets and sling-shot pebbles deflected off the cold, unpigmented skins of the albinos.
The assault continued. By 1838, shelling Lima was the quintessential national pastime of Colombia. Mothers from all over the lands brought their children for an opportunity to fire a cannon ball into the skull of an innocent Peruvian's skull, crying tears of admiration and pride when successful.
That same year, Colombian troops began their advance into the desolate and ridiculously named city of La Pez. Some say the pen is mightier than the sword, but this event proved outright that the bullet dominates all.
At last, the lima bean composed walls of Lima Bean fell into a beany mess, revealing the vulnerable and poorly defended city.
Meanwhile, extra Colombian soldiers were summoned via galleon just in case the entire Colombian army was exterminated in a glorious hellfire capturing the city which the Colombian government reported a dozen times prior in the news was already theirs and was quite frankly a sitting duck. Just in case - I should reiterate.
Then. Cry havoc, and let fire the bullets of war into your face.
The government of Peru was no more. Tupac himself was shot 12409619079571 times but we'll never know for sure who killed him. Though, given that absurdly high number of bullet wounds, probably a lot of people killed him.
Tupac's corrupt redistributive actions were reversed: reredistribution. Power and wealth was centralized to the creme of the creme: Simon Bolivar. His conquest and commitment to freedom and liberty earned him the title of El Libertador - the Liberator - a title bestowed upon him by himself.
"What do we do now?" asked the ex-Peruvians. "I could care less," Bolivar responded. "As long as you're not exercising democratic rights, the right to assemble, freedom of the press, or otherwise threatening my rule, go crazy." Bolivar's response was then officially made the motto of the country.
Meanwhile, an influential prophet, Félix Restrepo Mejía, achieved national recognition. "I foresee a grand future for this nation, Bolivar," he declared to El Presidente for life, administering a palm reading. "Jes, jes. Jou must expel the British and then the Argentinians from the continent. In fact, I'm seeing... the exact steps to must take to fully get your continent back. But it's foggy... Maybe handing over a peso or two will clarify the future..."
A world congress was held in the stupidly named city of Kuveyt. Unfortunately, the Congressmen forgot to mail Colombia the invitation, so Bolivar and his nation were unable to attend the gala. Next Congress, Bolivar knew Colombia would be too powerful and liberated to overlook, or there would be no other nations to negotiate with...
Yes, that same year, Bolivar did something the world could certainly not ignore... He declared war on the hideous sea-cow known as Victoria, ruler of England, the state commonly regarded as the most powerful in the world.
But then something happened that proved the cowardice of the British. They could not survive on their own, and had alliances with multiple nations. Some force to be reckoned with they turned out to be.
Will the Colombians seize the day and millions of POWs? Will Bolivar liberate the British from the evils of democracy and republicanism? Tune in next time!
Now, liberating a continent may sound easy on paper, but in reality, the task is quite difficult. Fortunately, if you're Simon Bolivar, it's as easy as 1, 2, 6; easier, in fact. Simon Bolivar made what's known as a "bucket list" (also known as a f*** it! list) of lands which he had to liberate with his ships and guns.
This archaic script was translated into legible Fxcghfjkpwwwnccn below:
Countries to liberate
1. Peru
2. British Colonies
6. Argentina
4. Swaziland
3. New Bedford
9. Sourdough
2 1/2. LIMITED TIME OFFER - BUY ONE SOFA, GET ANOTHER FREE! AVAILABLE AT SELECT WAL-MART® STORES!
First on the list was the independent nation of Peru. Although technically not a part of Spain, the nation was paradoxically so atrociously independent, Peru was de facto Spain, and Spain was de facto Peru. Indeed, the Peruvians needed to be liberated from themselves and the Spanish Crown.
Peru was ruled by the tyrannical Hyena Tupac, and although his name sounds pretty f***king cool, he was really a total ****bag. He was working to equitably redistribute land, power, and wealth, allowing for universal suffrage and emancipation of the slaves, values completely contradictory to the definition of freedom and liberty Simon Bolivar held. Bolivar shuddered just thinking about it Yes, yes, the swift and firm hand of liberty would have to be slapped across the tiny nation of Peru to ensure the freedom and proper treatment of its locals.
So Bolivar nonchalantly loaded a galleon with guns and cannons, which inconspicuously hovered a few miles above the mountains of Peru. Keep in mind, the Erflings were a primitive and underdeveloped people. They did not possess positron-powered weaponry or have the ability to telepathically explode the craniums of their enemies. They couldn't even balvhdsdsdhsdadbggl! By that standard, the Erflings were hardly a form of life at all. But this digression is pointless. Bolivar worked with what little nature dealt him.
Spoiler :
An emissary was sent to the Peruvian capital to deliver a fashion tip to Tupac: your head would look good at the end of a pole. Knowing that Tupac was incredibly body conscious and hated taking advice, he interpreted this correctly as a declaration of war and delivered the emissary's severed head back to Colombia on a 50 foot pole. Henceforth, applications for emissaryship would drop with every passing year and every passing war, which occurred quite frequently.
Spoiler :
Colombian soldiers made landfall outside of the city of La Pez Dispenser, a city which dispensed mass quantities of silver and gold instead of delicious sugary treats. Lurking in the mountains, it was manifest the city may take longer than expected to fall - as long as 3 and a half days.
Spoiler :
The north, the large Colombian army crossed the border with minimal difficulty, aside from a minor skirmish with the border guards.
"Sirs, can we please see your passports?"
"No, you don't understand, we're at war with each other! We don't need to show you out damned passports!"
"Sir, throwing a tantrum will only make you have to wait here longer. Now please allow me to stamp your passports!"
"THIS. IS. A. WAR! WE DON'T NEED TO SHOW YOU SQUAT! LET US THROUGH OR WE'LL KILL YOU!""Sir, don't get testy. Do I have to call security?"
*hands over passports*"Thank you, sir. Was that really so hard?"
The army consisted of riflemen, cannonry, and albinos. Indeed, the albinos would prove to be the backbone and gallbladder of the Colombian military. Trained in the art of war from birth, albinos became heartless killing machines incapable of fear or compassion. In other words, the likeness of El Presidente Simon Bolivar.
Meanwhile, the Colombian navy, the frigg'n 8s, were brought in to bombard the capital of Lima Bean from the shores. Remember, when we say navy, we mean vessels which displace their mass in dihydrogen monoxide, and not as we know the definition, machines which are capable of traversing through the 5th and 18th dimensions. Also, they slice bagels.
Spoiler :
Simontaneously, La Pez was bombarded to the south by the galleon-escorted soldiers. The Peruvians lacked a good fighting force themselves, their army utilizing dirt-age longbows and AK-47s, so those cowardly rascals hid in the mountains like a flock of babies, entrenching themselves in their own timidity. But Bolivar knew that after being assaulted by a few trillion cannon balls, their fortresses would collapse like granny's crappy old souffle cakes.
Spoiler :
The Peruvians tried to fight back, but resistance was quite frankly shown to be futile, especially after the Peruvian bullets and sling-shot pebbles deflected off the cold, unpigmented skins of the albinos.
Spoiler :
The assault continued. By 1838, shelling Lima was the quintessential national pastime of Colombia. Mothers from all over the lands brought their children for an opportunity to fire a cannon ball into the skull of an innocent Peruvian's skull, crying tears of admiration and pride when successful.
Spoiler :
That same year, Colombian troops began their advance into the desolate and ridiculously named city of La Pez. Some say the pen is mightier than the sword, but this event proved outright that the bullet dominates all.
Spoiler :
At last, the lima bean composed walls of Lima Bean fell into a beany mess, revealing the vulnerable and poorly defended city.
Spoiler :
Meanwhile, extra Colombian soldiers were summoned via galleon just in case the entire Colombian army was exterminated in a glorious hellfire capturing the city which the Colombian government reported a dozen times prior in the news was already theirs and was quite frankly a sitting duck. Just in case - I should reiterate.
Spoiler :
Then. Cry havoc, and let fire the bullets of war into your face.
Spoiler :
The government of Peru was no more. Tupac himself was shot 12409619079571 times but we'll never know for sure who killed him. Though, given that absurdly high number of bullet wounds, probably a lot of people killed him.
Tupac's corrupt redistributive actions were reversed: reredistribution. Power and wealth was centralized to the creme of the creme: Simon Bolivar. His conquest and commitment to freedom and liberty earned him the title of El Libertador - the Liberator - a title bestowed upon him by himself.
"What do we do now?" asked the ex-Peruvians. "I could care less," Bolivar responded. "As long as you're not exercising democratic rights, the right to assemble, freedom of the press, or otherwise threatening my rule, go crazy." Bolivar's response was then officially made the motto of the country.
Meanwhile, an influential prophet, Félix Restrepo Mejía, achieved national recognition. "I foresee a grand future for this nation, Bolivar," he declared to El Presidente for life, administering a palm reading. "Jes, jes. Jou must expel the British and then the Argentinians from the continent. In fact, I'm seeing... the exact steps to must take to fully get your continent back. But it's foggy... Maybe handing over a peso or two will clarify the future..."
Spoiler :
A world congress was held in the stupidly named city of Kuveyt. Unfortunately, the Congressmen forgot to mail Colombia the invitation, so Bolivar and his nation were unable to attend the gala. Next Congress, Bolivar knew Colombia would be too powerful and liberated to overlook, or there would be no other nations to negotiate with...
Spoiler :
Yes, that same year, Bolivar did something the world could certainly not ignore... He declared war on the hideous sea-cow known as Victoria, ruler of England, the state commonly regarded as the most powerful in the world.
Spoiler :
But then something happened that proved the cowardice of the British. They could not survive on their own, and had alliances with multiple nations. Some force to be reckoned with they turned out to be.
Spoiler :
Will the Colombians seize the day and millions of POWs? Will Bolivar liberate the British from the evils of democracy and republicanism? Tune in next time!
constantinople
not Istanbul
I still have all of my old photos, so why not?
constantinople
not Istanbul
Chapter Tres
In 1866, the Colombian military approached the British city of "Bridgetown," a city which, as the name infers, is guarded by monster gargoyles. Luckily, the Colombians came prepared. By that, I mean they transported a large enough army that they were able to throw wave after wave of albino soldiers into the front line. While the gargoyles feasted on this fresh cannon fodder, Colombian riflemen swept in and massacred every last British fighter/gargoyle. The Island of Wichita was at last under Colombian control.
After flunking several times, Bolivar at last passed his high school physics class, taking Gran Colombia into the industrial Error, as it is known as on Erf, but for us advanced beings is really just the climax of the Paleolithic Era.
On the mainland, Colombian soldiers marched in that odd way humans do, flailing one leg before the other, and after an incredibly violent and bloody battle, just the way Bolivar likes them, Georgetown was looted and decimated, i.e., taken down to the level of every Colombian city, making it adequate for annexation.
Meanwhile, Ataboy of Turkey and Willy the Orange of Dutschland were fascinated by this Colombian idea of "democracy."
"So you hold 'elections' for politicians," Ataboy started, "granting the right to vote to all males of your major ethnicity, but the outcome of these elections is determined by a privileged elite? So the status quo is maintained behind the scenes under a facade of equality?"
"So the status quo is maintained behind the scenes," Willy continued, "under a facade of equality? You're basically a dictator but you're perceived as an elected ruler?"
"That's the gist of things," Bolivar proudly declared.
"Count me in!" Ataboy exclaimed. "I'll give you the secrets of communism for it; it's basically the same thing!"
"Me too!" Willy agreed. "I'll give you my secret steel making recipe for knowledge on how to implement this "dummocracy."
Bolivar smiled. "Isn't it great how corruption brings us all together?"
By 1874, as far as Colombia was concerned, Britain was basically useless. In other words, all was the same. However, the arrogant and tubby Queen Victoria evilly refused to negotiate fair peace terms. The British demanded Bridgetown back, and reparations for all the gargoyles who were UNSUBSTANTIATEDLY held in "concentration camps." 10/10 gargoylian POWs agree Colombia is the best authoritarian dictatorship to be a POW in. In fact, 75% of all gargoyle POWs agree they will return to the glorious nation of Colombia after the war ends and they are returned to Britainland.
*gunshot in distance*
Make that 100%.
In retaliation, Colombian frigg'n 8s destroyed 3000 British merchant vessels, which were trespassing on Colombian waters for trade purposes.
The Queen at last acquiesced for fairer, uhm, terms.
Colombian soldiers began a nonchalant trip headed to the southern Andes as part of a team-building exercise, and certainly not an assault on the puny, scraggly nation of Argentina. Yes, Colombia in fact preferred the nation's existence, as the green meadows to the north acted as ideal landfills for Colombian refuse.
In the city of Lima, a former Peruvian composed a heartwarming ballad about how wonderful Bolivar and how terrible the prior Peruvian democracy was. Bolivar generously donated 27 pesos to the local theatre in Lima, and the ballad garnered widespread acclaim, and obviously not just because attendance and praise was compulsory. The ballad gained even more attendance after the passing of its belated author, who disappeared shortly after refusing to create 17 more acts revolving around Bolivar's heroism and valor.
False alarm, he's still alive; he was just using the lavatory.
In Quito, an unknown arsonist destroyed the city's forge. The blacksmith described him as being a "five foot tall blond-haired Afro-Colombian with a birthmark the shape of Australia on his forehead, a cleft palate, a stovetop hat, and crab hands."
When Bolivar heard this description, he and all of Colombia immediately recognized the dastardly criminal...
SAN MARTIN!
With sufficient evidence linking whathisface to the crime, Bolivar did the only logical thing there was to do - make war.
In 1866, the Colombian military approached the British city of "Bridgetown," a city which, as the name infers, is guarded by monster gargoyles. Luckily, the Colombians came prepared. By that, I mean they transported a large enough army that they were able to throw wave after wave of albino soldiers into the front line. While the gargoyles feasted on this fresh cannon fodder, Colombian riflemen swept in and massacred every last British fighter/gargoyle. The Island of Wichita was at last under Colombian control.
Spoiler :
After flunking several times, Bolivar at last passed his high school physics class, taking Gran Colombia into the industrial Error, as it is known as on Erf, but for us advanced beings is really just the climax of the Paleolithic Era.
Spoiler :
On the mainland, Colombian soldiers marched in that odd way humans do, flailing one leg before the other, and after an incredibly violent and bloody battle, just the way Bolivar likes them, Georgetown was looted and decimated, i.e., taken down to the level of every Colombian city, making it adequate for annexation.
Spoiler :
Meanwhile, Ataboy of Turkey and Willy the Orange of Dutschland were fascinated by this Colombian idea of "democracy."
"So you hold 'elections' for politicians," Ataboy started, "granting the right to vote to all males of your major ethnicity, but the outcome of these elections is determined by a privileged elite? So the status quo is maintained behind the scenes under a facade of equality?"
"So the status quo is maintained behind the scenes," Willy continued, "under a facade of equality? You're basically a dictator but you're perceived as an elected ruler?"
"That's the gist of things," Bolivar proudly declared.
"Count me in!" Ataboy exclaimed. "I'll give you the secrets of communism for it; it's basically the same thing!"
"Me too!" Willy agreed. "I'll give you my secret steel making recipe for knowledge on how to implement this "dummocracy."
Bolivar smiled. "Isn't it great how corruption brings us all together?"
Spoiler :
By 1874, as far as Colombia was concerned, Britain was basically useless. In other words, all was the same. However, the arrogant and tubby Queen Victoria evilly refused to negotiate fair peace terms. The British demanded Bridgetown back, and reparations for all the gargoyles who were UNSUBSTANTIATEDLY held in "concentration camps." 10/10 gargoylian POWs agree Colombia is the best authoritarian dictatorship to be a POW in. In fact, 75% of all gargoyle POWs agree they will return to the glorious nation of Colombia after the war ends and they are returned to Britainland.
*gunshot in distance*
Make that 100%.
Spoiler :
In retaliation, Colombian frigg'n 8s destroyed 3000 British merchant vessels, which were trespassing on Colombian waters for trade purposes.
Spoiler :
The Queen at last acquiesced for fairer, uhm, terms.
Spoiler :
Colombian soldiers began a nonchalant trip headed to the southern Andes as part of a team-building exercise, and certainly not an assault on the puny, scraggly nation of Argentina. Yes, Colombia in fact preferred the nation's existence, as the green meadows to the north acted as ideal landfills for Colombian refuse.
Spoiler :
In the city of Lima, a former Peruvian composed a heartwarming ballad about how wonderful Bolivar and how terrible the prior Peruvian democracy was. Bolivar generously donated 27 pesos to the local theatre in Lima, and the ballad garnered widespread acclaim, and obviously not just because attendance and praise was compulsory. The ballad gained even more attendance after the passing of its belated author, who disappeared shortly after refusing to create 17 more acts revolving around Bolivar's heroism and valor.
False alarm, he's still alive; he was just using the lavatory.
Spoiler :
In Quito, an unknown arsonist destroyed the city's forge. The blacksmith described him as being a "five foot tall blond-haired Afro-Colombian with a birthmark the shape of Australia on his forehead, a cleft palate, a stovetop hat, and crab hands."
When Bolivar heard this description, he and all of Colombia immediately recognized the dastardly criminal...
SAN MARTIN!
Spoiler :
With sufficient evidence linking whathisface to the crime, Bolivar did the only logical thing there was to do - make war.
Spoiler :
constantinople
not Istanbul
Chapter Cuatro
A huge Colombian army was assembled to bring San Martin to justice. You may ask yourself, "Wouldn't it be more efficient to send a few agents to retrieve San Martin?" The answer to that is of course, yes. But why would you want to be efficient when you can be Colombian? Or even better, Simon Bolivar.
The huge military reached the capital of Buenos Aires where San Martin probably resided. After ringing the doorbell a few times, the garrison refused to allow the Colombian peacekeeping force passage. Since the leaders of the Argentine capital refused to respond to messages that were likely mailed to them requesting passage among threats, force would need to be used.
But then...
Undeniable proof that the Argentinians were the aggressors! The act of the catapult attacking the city was proof the Argentine state was the warmonger! This was all the evidence that San Martin was the arsonist responsible for the destruction of the trivial Colombian forge. Twas also insulting that the Argentines used catapults, primitive weapons that were not employed in combat since the antiquated Franco-Prussian War.
So the Colombians launched trillions of cannonballs into the Argentinian capital. From there, the Colombians sent soldiers into the capital to hopefully liberate the city from the fascist communist murderer arsonist San Martin.
Oh, and some prophet dude rose to prominence in Quito. He replaced the role of the old prophet, who disappeared under mysterious circumstances after his prophecy that Colombia would win the war against Argentina without any casualties failed to come to fruition.
Next, the Colombians approached the independent and undefended city of Montevideo, a portmanteau of Montezuma and YouTube video. Don't ask how that happened.
To the north, Colombian soldiers sailed to Guatemala City to liberate its residents from the pacifistic liberal democracy they suffered under.
In the Caribbean, Colombian ironclads backed up a galleon which was sailing to San Juan to, you guessed it, sell girl scout cookies to the locals.
Montevideo was narrowly captured, err- liberated, before the Brazilians, who undoubtedly planned to burn the city and sell the population into slavery.
In the Caribbean, the San Juanians enjoyed their girl scout cookies so much, the city fell into anarchy. Relunctantly, Colombian soldiers were forced to occupy the city and annex it to Gran Colombia, if only to ensure the people's well-being. As you can likely tell by now, Simon Bolivar was an ardent anti-imperialist who supports the right to self-govern. But when he must, he takes charge himself.
Speaking of imperialism, a substantial imperialistic Brazilian army was spotted near Montevideo. Was the Emperor-for-life of Brazil plotting to kick the innocent Gran Colombian when she was down? Probably. Either way, the focus was on Argentina's tyranny, not Brazil's.
Colombian forces landed in Guatemala in stronger numbers, since the Guatemalan president established a small garrison to ensure oppression for all of his subjects. Such human rights abuses could not be tolerated by Bolivar, who could abuse his subjects in much brutaler and more illicit manners.
In 1908, a survey revealed National Democratic Populist Turkey was the most cultured civilization in the world. You might be wondering why this is mentioned if it has nothing to do with Colombia. Firstly, stop jumping to conclusions and thinking so independently, silly-head. Let Bolivar do all of the thinking, mmkay? You see, look at the names Colombia and Turkey. Colombia. Turkey. Colombia. Turkey. Although they don't share any letters, one can easily see how one could confuse the names of the two countries. The compiler of the list of the most cultured countries misspelled "Colombia" as "Turkey." In the future, you will come to learn of how Colombia and Turkey will basically be used interchangeably. Indeed, you have already learned hitherto that Simon Bolivar is quite the turkey.
A huge Colombian army was assembled to bring San Martin to justice. You may ask yourself, "Wouldn't it be more efficient to send a few agents to retrieve San Martin?" The answer to that is of course, yes. But why would you want to be efficient when you can be Colombian? Or even better, Simon Bolivar.
Spoiler :
The huge military reached the capital of Buenos Aires where San Martin probably resided. After ringing the doorbell a few times, the garrison refused to allow the Colombian peacekeeping force passage. Since the leaders of the Argentine capital refused to respond to messages that were likely mailed to them requesting passage among threats, force would need to be used.
Spoiler :
But then...
Spoiler :
Undeniable proof that the Argentinians were the aggressors! The act of the catapult attacking the city was proof the Argentine state was the warmonger! This was all the evidence that San Martin was the arsonist responsible for the destruction of the trivial Colombian forge. Twas also insulting that the Argentines used catapults, primitive weapons that were not employed in combat since the antiquated Franco-Prussian War.
So the Colombians launched trillions of cannonballs into the Argentinian capital. From there, the Colombians sent soldiers into the capital to hopefully liberate the city from the fascist communist murderer arsonist San Martin.
Spoiler :
Oh, and some prophet dude rose to prominence in Quito. He replaced the role of the old prophet, who disappeared under mysterious circumstances after his prophecy that Colombia would win the war against Argentina without any casualties failed to come to fruition.
Spoiler :
Next, the Colombians approached the independent and undefended city of Montevideo, a portmanteau of Montezuma and YouTube video. Don't ask how that happened.
Spoiler :
To the north, Colombian soldiers sailed to Guatemala City to liberate its residents from the pacifistic liberal democracy they suffered under.
Spoiler :
In the Caribbean, Colombian ironclads backed up a galleon which was sailing to San Juan to, you guessed it, sell girl scout cookies to the locals.
Spoiler :
Montevideo was narrowly captured, err- liberated, before the Brazilians, who undoubtedly planned to burn the city and sell the population into slavery.
Spoiler :
In the Caribbean, the San Juanians enjoyed their girl scout cookies so much, the city fell into anarchy. Relunctantly, Colombian soldiers were forced to occupy the city and annex it to Gran Colombia, if only to ensure the people's well-being. As you can likely tell by now, Simon Bolivar was an ardent anti-imperialist who supports the right to self-govern. But when he must, he takes charge himself.
Spoiler :
Speaking of imperialism, a substantial imperialistic Brazilian army was spotted near Montevideo. Was the Emperor-for-life of Brazil plotting to kick the innocent Gran Colombian when she was down? Probably. Either way, the focus was on Argentina's tyranny, not Brazil's.
Spoiler :
Colombian forces landed in Guatemala in stronger numbers, since the Guatemalan president established a small garrison to ensure oppression for all of his subjects. Such human rights abuses could not be tolerated by Bolivar, who could abuse his subjects in much brutaler and more illicit manners.
Spoiler :
In 1908, a survey revealed National Democratic Populist Turkey was the most cultured civilization in the world. You might be wondering why this is mentioned if it has nothing to do with Colombia. Firstly, stop jumping to conclusions and thinking so independently, silly-head. Let Bolivar do all of the thinking, mmkay? You see, look at the names Colombia and Turkey. Colombia. Turkey. Colombia. Turkey. Although they don't share any letters, one can easily see how one could confuse the names of the two countries. The compiler of the list of the most cultured countries misspelled "Colombia" as "Turkey." In the future, you will come to learn of how Colombia and Turkey will basically be used interchangeably. Indeed, you have already learned hitherto that Simon Bolivar is quite the turkey.
Spoiler :
Niccolo Edwards
Looking busy
I'm curious to know how large of an industry recovering and recycling cannonballs is?
Acording to this cannonballs were wighted between 4 and 42 pounds. According to this, iron cost $1.61 per 100 pounds. Using this inflation calculator then in 1913 (earliest possible year, and close enough for our purposes) 100 pounds would cost $39.20 today. This means that 1 trillion cannonballs loosed in a single battle (assuming an average weight of ~15 pounds) would be 15 trillion pounds at a cost of $241500000000, scaled up to modern values this is $5,879,866,363,636.36 or 5.9 quadrillion dollars.
The USS Gerald R. Ford (the most expensive ship in history (I'm pretty sure) cost $12.8 billion to build. The number of cannonballs fired would be about 18-19 times the cost of the world's most expensive warship.
A cannon could sustain a rate of fire of once every 40 seconds with a well trained, disciplined and experienced crew. Say 500 cannon will be used in this battle. It would take (assuming none of them melt down, discipline and rate of fire maintained and trade-outs for replacement crews have no effect on the rate of fire) 50 million seconds or 578.7 days to fire all those shots. That's about 1.6 years of constant fire without breaks, repairs to cannons or anything else.
Acording to this cannonballs were wighted between 4 and 42 pounds. According to this, iron cost $1.61 per 100 pounds. Using this inflation calculator then in 1913 (earliest possible year, and close enough for our purposes) 100 pounds would cost $39.20 today. This means that 1 trillion cannonballs loosed in a single battle (assuming an average weight of ~15 pounds) would be 15 trillion pounds at a cost of $241500000000, scaled up to modern values this is $5,879,866,363,636.36 or 5.9 quadrillion dollars.
The USS Gerald R. Ford (the most expensive ship in history (I'm pretty sure) cost $12.8 billion to build. The number of cannonballs fired would be about 18-19 times the cost of the world's most expensive warship.
A cannon could sustain a rate of fire of once every 40 seconds with a well trained, disciplined and experienced crew. Say 500 cannon will be used in this battle. It would take (assuming none of them melt down, discipline and rate of fire maintained and trade-outs for replacement crews have no effect on the rate of fire) 50 million seconds or 578.7 days to fire all those shots. That's about 1.6 years of constant fire without breaks, repairs to cannons or anything else.
constantinople
not Istanbul
Yes, the Earthlings were quite a wasteful, profligate people.
constantinople
not Istanbul
Chapter Cinco
Tornadoes raged across the coast of Chile, going out of their way to demolish every last one of Bolivar's cottages. Why couldn't they destroy the stupid orphanages instead?!?! Clearly such tornadoes were produced by an Argentine weather-controlling device. All the more excuse to destroy the Argentine land.
The Colombians approached the Argentine city of Bahhumbug Blanca. The Argentines were so desperate for forces, they combined their grenadiers and cavalry into one super unit. Which actually sucked because their respective advantage and disadvantage against riflemen neutralized each other, making a mediocre unit reflecting the nation as a whole.
Bolivar continued to liberate Guatemala from the oppressive democratically elected government. Piles of dead Colombian bodies acted as shields, protecting the 2 and a half remaining soldiers. Morecannon fodder soldiers were sent via galleon.
Argentine soldiers arbitrary started showing mercy towards Colombian soldiers. "The fools!" Bolivar angrily shouted. The war continued, and in retaliation, Bolivar started showing even more care towards the Argentine POWs than his own troops, as to not be outdone.
At last, the Colombians were ready (as they'd ever be) to attack the final Argentine stronghold.
The city fell (literally; there were so many artillery shells in air, every last building was destroyed) and, alas, San Martin escaped with his tail between his legs and his ears inside of his mouth. He would hence plot to take over Argentina once more for his own nefarious purposes from a secret bunker 1000 feet above ground level. A place you may know... as Cleveland.
Another Colombian regiment was sent to Guatemala, because Almighty Balorgoplen knows Bolivar needs all the men in the world at his disposal to advance even 12 centimeters on a battlefield.
Colombians received an important message in 1912 - an international Congress was being held in the name of universal self-determination. By that, we mean world leaders' determination to carve up the world into their own desired empires without respect to the wishes of the locals. At long last, Bolivar would be with a gentry that spoke his language. Spanish, in case you didn't know.
That same year, the emperor of Japan showed Bolivar how to light a match in return for the secrets of heavy artillery with 1247129051 mm guns. Bolivar no longer needed to ask for help when he needed a cigar to be lit.
Once more, San Martin directed the weather and launched tornadoes at his own people, hoping 1 out of every 27 victims would be Colombian. Unfortunately, he missed the town of Bahhmbug Blanca by, like, two-hundred miles and he only ended up killing maybe six horses, a goose, and a chronically depressed spider.
Actually, it worked to Bolivar's benefit, and he commanded the newlyenslaved employed Argentine POWs to fix up the pastures.
Meanwhile, a cannon was to be sent to Guatemala to hopefully speed up that darned city's fall.
At this point, Bolivar was so bored, he ordered for the immediate attack on Guatemala City. It was successful. At least by Bolivar's standards; not for the billions of soldiers who died.
The glorious Colombian Empire (in 1914) as displayed by an almost as glorious map:
Tornadoes raged across the coast of Chile, going out of their way to demolish every last one of Bolivar's cottages. Why couldn't they destroy the stupid orphanages instead?!?! Clearly such tornadoes were produced by an Argentine weather-controlling device. All the more excuse to destroy the Argentine land.
Spoiler :
The Colombians approached the Argentine city of Bahhumbug Blanca. The Argentines were so desperate for forces, they combined their grenadiers and cavalry into one super unit. Which actually sucked because their respective advantage and disadvantage against riflemen neutralized each other, making a mediocre unit reflecting the nation as a whole.
Spoiler :
Bolivar continued to liberate Guatemala from the oppressive democratically elected government. Piles of dead Colombian bodies acted as shields, protecting the 2 and a half remaining soldiers. More
Spoiler :
Argentine soldiers arbitrary started showing mercy towards Colombian soldiers. "The fools!" Bolivar angrily shouted. The war continued, and in retaliation, Bolivar started showing even more care towards the Argentine POWs than his own troops, as to not be outdone.
Spoiler :
At last, the Colombians were ready (as they'd ever be) to attack the final Argentine stronghold.
Spoiler :
The city fell (literally; there were so many artillery shells in air, every last building was destroyed) and, alas, San Martin escaped with his tail between his legs and his ears inside of his mouth. He would hence plot to take over Argentina once more for his own nefarious purposes from a secret bunker 1000 feet above ground level. A place you may know... as Cleveland.
Another Colombian regiment was sent to Guatemala, because Almighty Balorgoplen knows Bolivar needs all the men in the world at his disposal to advance even 12 centimeters on a battlefield.
Spoiler :
Colombians received an important message in 1912 - an international Congress was being held in the name of universal self-determination. By that, we mean world leaders' determination to carve up the world into their own desired empires without respect to the wishes of the locals. At long last, Bolivar would be with a gentry that spoke his language. Spanish, in case you didn't know.
Spoiler :
That same year, the emperor of Japan showed Bolivar how to light a match in return for the secrets of heavy artillery with 1247129051 mm guns. Bolivar no longer needed to ask for help when he needed a cigar to be lit.
Spoiler :
Once more, San Martin directed the weather and launched tornadoes at his own people, hoping 1 out of every 27 victims would be Colombian. Unfortunately, he missed the town of Bahhmbug Blanca by, like, two-hundred miles and he only ended up killing maybe six horses, a goose, and a chronically depressed spider.
Spoiler :
Actually, it worked to Bolivar's benefit, and he commanded the newly
Spoiler :
Meanwhile, a cannon was to be sent to Guatemala to hopefully speed up that darned city's fall.
Spoiler :
At this point, Bolivar was so bored, he ordered for the immediate attack on Guatemala City. It was successful. At least by Bolivar's standards; not for the billions of soldiers who died.
Spoiler :
The glorious Colombian Empire (in 1914) as displayed by an almost as glorious map:
Spoiler :
need my speed
Rex Omnium Imperarium
This is quite funny - I like it!
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