Had this in the pipeline and couldn't sleep tonight. Sorry it is so long, as always, edit as needed.
PS for Mistfit - if possible, include the attatched picture as being that of Scoutsout. Thanks.
WHY WE FIGHT – An Investigative story by the staff of the Crazy Eye.
Until recently speculation as to the cause of the doughbolt factory explosion had been the favorite pastime in KISS; now it is discussions about ‘un-neighborliness.'
The high profile of the doughbolt explosion demanded an energetic response by the authorities. Pentium, Chief of Delving into Funny Incidents and Suspicious Happenings (CODFISH), lead agency in the investigation, expressed his obvious frustration as to the lack of evidence to the Crazy Eye. “We have looked everywhere for clues. My officers have conducted thorough investigations of every pub, watering hole, tavern, bar, dive, cocktail lounge, gin-joint, and speak easy in KISS – some of them three or four times – still nothing clear-cut has turned up.”
In the absence of hard facts, theories have abounded; everything from swamp gas, to sabotage by Zippo, to the wrath of the Great Flying Spagetti. Follow-up interviews with bakery employees have pushed the investigation in a surprising direction.
Scoutsout, self-proclaimed “Chili Master” had brought a batch of his 73-alarm chili to the party that was being held at the bakery. One of the two men killed that evening was heard to have complained about ‘the trots’ after consuming four bowls of Scout’s chili and drinking seven warm beers. Witnesses claim he proceeded to the ‘little idiots’ room moments before the explosion that claimed his life.
While not conclusive evidence these developments, along with many Celts experience with Scout’s chili, have cooled the suspicions of more nefarious causes.
As speculation about the case cooled, KISSers set about picking up the pieces. The bakery lot was cleared, construction had begun on a new establishment, Scoutsout had reduced his normal chili to 56 alarm and life seemed to be returning to normal in Simpleton – except for the Zippo.
“That was a nice lighter,” said Pentium. “Once it was clearly not material evidence in the investigation everyone wanted it. Grandma Harriet wanted it to light the cooking fires for her cookies, Scoutsout wanted it for his cigars, Soul Warrior wanted it to wave above his head when he was at concerts. Seemed like everyone had a reason to take that lighter.”
Finally Grahamian insisted that it be returned, “After all,” he argued, “it’s the neighborly thing to do.”
It was quickly agreed to and CODFISH set about using his investigatory powers to discover the Zippo’s owner. After much investigation (ironically, the search brought him to many of the places he looked in the doughbolt investigation), it was determined that the lighter belonged to Dinsog.
This revelation only fueled the swelling of neighborly good will in KISS.
“When I found out who the owner was it really made me want to get the guy his lighter,” said Crakie. “Actually, I thought Dinsog was responsible for the explosion and may have said a few unkind things about him at the pub. I just felt awful about accusing him like that, so I wanted to help make things right.”
That sentiment appeared wide-spread, especially amongst Gallic Swordsmen, as when the “Return Dinsog’s Lighter” expedition was launched it took several galleys.
This good-will gesture on the part of KISS was met with surprising, Jerry Springeresqe, anti-social behavior on the part of TNT.
“It was the darndest thing,” recounts Sir Bugsy. “We landed outside of Furbomb, with our torches in honor of Dinsog’s Zippo, cake, swords to cut the cake, beer, even party hats; we were excited to make amends and do the right thing. But as we approached the city, they burned it and ran!”
Befuddled by this behavior, but committed to returning the Zippo, the Good Samaritans from KISS pressed inland, looking for Dinsog’s house, only to have this type of behavior repeated.
“At first we thought it was a strange custom, after all they are named TNT, they have nice lighters, maybe they just like to burn stuff when they are excited. But eventually we saw that wasn’t the case, they were just rude,” explained Daghda.
He angrily continued, “Listen, I’ve had people make excuses not to see me before, ‘my sister is in town, my cat died, I’m going into a convent,’ but to burn down a whole town just so that you don’t have to see me?! How rude can people be?”
Daghda’s question would soon be answered. In a moment that would turn KISS”s goodwill gesture to ash in their mouths, three companies seeking directions to Dinsog’s were accosted and killed by Persian Immortals.
“We knew they were rude,” said Grandma Harriet, “but to do something like that shows just how bad the environment they grew up in really was. I don’t blame them really, people who act like that are just raised badly. It makes me want to help them even more.”
Like a fire set by Dinsog’s lighter, this sentiment has raced through KISS.
“Think about it,” said Grahamian, “the unprovoked attack on the Donoughts, the sullen silence from their diplomats, naming themselves after explosives, the destruction of their own towns like ungrateful children, it all adds up to one thing – they need a hug. And being the good neighbors we are, we are going to give them that hug if it kills them.”
In a final interview with the initial leader of the expedition, Scoutsout, we asked him if he had thought about the doughbolt explosion recently. He laughed.
“Wow. That seems like a hundred years ago. We have bigger things to worry about now. Like how we can return Dinsog’s lighter with all these Immortals in the way. It won’t be easy, but we’ll show them what it means to be a good neighbor. But you're right, it all goes back to the doughbolt. Who would have thought all this would come from a little brotherly love.”
When asked if he hates Persians in light of the Immortals unprovoked attack Scoutsout said, “No. I don’t hate anybody in TNT. When I am tempted to be angry at them I just remember, inside every Persian is an Idiot waiting to come out. We are here to help them with that. It won’t be easy but we’re committed. After all, love hurts.”
As the interview concluded, Scoutsout lit a very large cigar with a very shiny lighter.
Kickbooti 
