It makes so little sense it's funny

[Graadiapolistan]

President- Ok General, ready for war?
General- Yes, but we need a tank
P- How about we kill off our population to make a tank faster!
G- Great idea my lord, I'm sure those slaves will vote for it.
P- Yes, apparently they vote for everything I want to do...
<<<<<<<<one year later>>>>>>>>>>
G- That tank is finally finished, lets attack with it
P- OK!!! send it into to enemy lands
G- That'll take about ten years
P- WHAT!!! ten years to move a tank across the world!?
G- Well, it needs to take a three year train ride across our huge continent, and then spend seven years at sea to get to the other side of the world in our modern uranium powered transport
P- Fine, send it over
<<<<<<<<ten years later>>>>>>>>
G- Mr. President, the tank is now ready to attack
P- Send it in!!!
G- But...there are walls in the enemy city
P- And?
G- Their longbowmen can now wound our tank!
P- How?
G- Apparently, 300 years ago the longbowmen won some fights against a few pikemen, so now they "upgraded" and are much more effective against our tanks. Not only that but we're attacking across a river!
P- So...
G- Now their arrows will do much more damage to our tanks then they did before
P- Arrows??? doing damage against tanks??? What are these arrows made of?
G- Well...the Egyptians didn't have iron 300 years ago, so I would believe thair arrows had a wooden arrowhead.
P- Oh well, send the tank in anyway
G- Hurrah! the tank won!!!
P- Send it in again
G- But sir! Tha-
P- DO IT!!!!!!!
G- Here goes nothing...NO!!!!!!
P- What?
G- Our tank was destroyed. Their other longbowmen killed it.
P- Wooden arrows penetrated the metal armor of our tanks?
G- Well, to be fair, the tanks didn't have gunners
P- So...you're saying...that...the tanks had mounted machine guns...but no gunners?
G- Yes, so the longbowmen just dodged the shells bwing fired out of the tank
P- And destroyed the tanks with WOOD ARROWS????
G- Well, the physical law first identified by our great scientist back in ancient times known as, "Programius Malus," or, "Nonsensius Completicus," basically states that soldiers are immortal unless they are killed in battle or commit suicude because they require too much money and the government finds it cheaper to train new soldiers then give the old ones some guns, at times change ethnicity when getting better weapons, and that arrows and spears can harm tanks and helicopters. The great God, Sid, didn't bother to put in some tiny piece of, what our theologins refer to as, "programming," that could have made our world a little less nonsensical.
P- Oh well, I guess I just have to make piece with Jewish Egypt
<<<<<<<<<<<<<<One year later in Cairo>>>>>>>>>>>>.
Jewish Peasant 1- Wow! Now because our Queen decided to accept crabs clams and pigs in exchange for peace from Alexander I am three times healthier
Jewish peasent 2- Yeah! and that new harbor's almost built.
1- That harbor will really make me so healthy
2- Yeah, that green smoke will stop eminating from our city
1- Hey! isn't this city a bit crowded?
2- Yeah, I wish I could move or that there was some use of that giant town east of our city where no one lives but inexplicably generates huge amounts of money
1- Since there is no possible way to lower city population without enslaving people, I think I'll stop working because the city's too crowded
2- Me too! Let me just get my red clothes.
1- How I wish I could move...I guess Sid just wanted to annoy our leader by making us able to rebel when our city is too crowded, but unable to move when our city is too crowded.

 

[DrewBledsoe]

A Northern English Town..not too long ago..

2 men crown the brow of a hill to the strains of Dvorak's New World Symphony..

Old Man : You young folks don't know how good youve got it these days
Young Man : How'd you mean Grandad?
OM: Well when I were a lad , we didn't have all these fancy luxuries you ave nowadays, no bananas, no dyes, no spices, no electricity, no oil, no hit singles..aye things were bleak.
YM: So what did you do?
OM: Well I used to work down pit when a were a young lad like yourself..but one day , a turned up for work, and some jessie had built a bloody great windmill where pit had been, so a did the only think a could and went to that great big new factory thing looking for work..
YM: The factory?
OM: Aye, a used to have to get up 3 hours after I got home eat me meal of boiled unspiced deer by candlelight, put on me black clothes, and off to work a 20 hour shift..
YM: But you didnt have electricity or oil then did you? What did the factory run on?
Om : Don't ask blooody impertinent question lad, it ran thats all I needed to know.
YM: Ok Sorry..
OM: But then the Great War came...
YM: The Great War against the Aztec / Spanish Confederation?
OM: Of course , don't thee teach you younguns history anymore?
YM: Yes Grandad..weren't you in the Great War..
OM: Aye, lad, I was in the 1st Royal Longbowmen Division...like me dad, me dad's dad, me dad's dad's dad..his dad too, and his grandad and his great-grandad...aye it were a long line..
YM: You got a medal didn't you?
OM: Aye , we saw this division of tanks coming over t' hill..so we hid in this forest and ambushed them..
YM : With bows?
OM: Oh aye, we have a long history , the 1st Royal Longbowmen, we know how to fight with bows..
YM: Didn't people get unhappy back home?
OM: Thee did , some lazy buggers refused to work at all..called emselves the "red shirts", thee did, dunno why though cos thee wore black just like everyone else, what with no dyes..
OM: Then after we'd won the war, and come back home, what with the new foods to eat..the lasses happy cos they could dye their clothes pretty colours, the lads happy cos the lasses could dye their clothes pretty colours..things were settling down..
OM: Then this bloody great southern ponce, all dressed in white, mumbling "thankyouverymuch" to himself appears in our town , and decides to live here..so now many years later, we can mine the Scottish hills, and no-one seems to mind..aye its a strange world lad...
YM: So if Im right Grandad, you worked in a mine that one day mysteriously became a windmill, then in a factory that ran with no form of power, then went off to War, and defeated a division of tanks that had 2 inch armoured plating with a longbow?
OM: Aye lad, and when you tell young people that these days..thee just dont believe you...



(With apologies to Peter Cook, and the Pythons)

 

[gotmatt]

the rail lines were made popular in the early to mid 1800s, the machine gun was first put to good use in the early 1900s. i didn't discover rail untill the mid 20th century. anyone? anyone? Bueller?

 

[Bushface]

@gotmatt - do you really believe that there actually is a good use for a machine gun, outside a game environment ? Isn't its only purpose to kill as many people as possible as quickly as possible ?

 

[Ukas]

Two reasons I feel slight despair when I notice first SAM Infantry in Civ4 game:

1. It's the most gay unit in Civ4. Makes me wonder which one from Fab 5 has designed that uniform. "No need for that passe camo-look, you should really stand out when in combat. Now, next, try these fa-a-a-abulous breeches made of leather!" Definitely lead singer in Civ4 Village People. (With Axeman, Fast Worker, Praetorian, Skirmisher and of course, Warrior).
Marine pic looks a bit gay (man with a moustache sucking a big fat cigar... c'mon!), but unit itself doesn't so I didn't count it. But then Jaguar looks like some drag queen diva in Rio carneval.

2. Few guys with a Garand rifle can easily beat guys, who take out assault helicopters and who can carry big cumbersome 15kg SAM launchers on their left shoulder while shooting kewly with a submachinegun on their right hand like they were in some John Woo movie? Why don't they tilt their smg's too, to add some gangsta street credibility to their act?

Oh man.

 

[DementedAvenger]

@gotmatt - do you really believe that there actually is a good use for a machine gun, outside a game environment ? Isn't its only purpose to kill as many people as possible as quickly as possible ?

Speaking English instead of German is as good a reason as any.

 

[crocodiledundee]

let me explain it to you in a very simple way:

CIV 4
IS
JUST
A
GAME
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm fairly sure this phrase has been banned from the forum.

 

[crocodiledundee]

"Now that we have Plastics, let's build an absolutely huge dam !"
Visions of hordes of workers clipping trillions of little knobbly plastic blocks together . . .

actually laughing out loud rite now

 

[crocodiledundee]

Oh man....netbjarne for President!!!!

 

[gotmatt]

Navy SEALs IRL kicked the entire Afghan's Riflemen armies butt in days. yet my Navy SEAL gets beat trying to attack a swordsman. anyone?

 

[Siggy19]

Navy SEALs IRL kicked the entire Afghan's Riflemen armies butt in days. yet my Navy SEAL gets beat trying to attack a swordsman. anyone?

Actually not that different to the Iraq war... America lost 2 soldiers from trench foot and won the war in 27.5 minutes against the might of the Iraqi army that had spent 10 years fighting Iran not so long ago.

Three years later, another 2,300 American soldiers are dead despite the fact that (according to the American Government) there are only 10,000 'insurgents' and 130,000 American troops.

Oh, and the insurgents don't have a single tank, gunship or destroyer.

Maybe Civ IV is more accurate than we give it credit for being.

(None of the above is intended to debate the merits of the Iraq war)

 

[RandomInsanity]

Gunship pilot: Hey look down there, is that an enemy pickmen..oh crap he's stabbing at me! Ahhhhh!!!!!!!! *copter asplodes*

I know people throw around the abbreviation lol alot without actually laughing out loud, but this actually did make me laugh out loud, so...
LOL!

 

[Skanderbeg]

Scientific Advisor: Your Majesty, we have discovered a Great New Tech!. It is calles Scientific Method.

King: What is it good for?

Scientific Advisor: Ummh... it obsoletes our Great Library and all our monasteries.

King: Guards!!!

----------------------------------------------------------------------


3800 BC:

Scientific Advisor: Your Majesty, we should build an obelisk in our newly founded city.

King: Sounds Great. But... what is an obelisk good for??

Scientifc Advisor: It gives on culture per turn.

King: Sounds Great. But.... what the hell is culture? Can we eat it.

Scientific Advisor: No, Sir, that's food.

King: Or can we build something with this culture?

Scientific Advisor: No, Sir, that are hammers.

King: So, what the hell is culture?

Scientific Advisor: It let's our borders expand.

King: Ah, I undestand. Culture is a military unit, which we can use to enlarge our territory.

Scientific Advisor: Nope.

King: That, the heck, is this culture???

Scientific advisor: It's ...ummh.. a little purple note

King: What is a note?

Scientific Advisor: You use it to write up music on paper.

King: Write??? Music??? Paper??? Never heard of it. What's that?

Scientific Advisor: Don't know. We haven't researched neither Writing nor Music nor Paper.

King: Guards!!!

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

King: Let's chop those forests!

Advisor: Sorry, Your Majesty, we can't chop forests. We have to research bronze working first.

15 Years later:

Advisor: Your Majesty, we discovered bronze working, but we have no copper!

King: So we don't can make axes to chop those forests.

Advisor: Not exactly. We can't build axes, but we can chop forests.

King: With what???

Advisor: Dunno...

King: Guards!!!

another 15 years later...


new Advisor: Your Majesty, we have connected copper.

King: Sounds great. Let's build some bronze axes and cut down those djungles!

new Advisor: Sorry, Your Majesty, but wen have to research iron working. Bronze tools are not sharp enough to cut down djungle.


another 15 years later....

new Advisor: Your majesty, we have discovered iron working, but we don't have iron.

King: So we can't cut don't those djungles.

new Advisor: We can.

King: With what???

new Advisor: Bronze axes????

King: Guards!!!

 

[gotmatt]

Actually not that different to the Iraq war... America lost 2 soldiers from trench foot and won the war in 27.5 minutes against the might of the Iraqi army that had spent 10 years fighting Iran not so long ago.

Three years later, another 2,300 American soldiers are dead despite the fact that (according to the American Government) there are only 10,000 'insurgents' and 130,000 American troops.

Oh, and the insurgents don't have a single tank, gunship or destroyer.

Maybe Civ IV is more accurate than we give it credit for being.

(None of the above is intended to debate the merits of the Iraq war)

are you crazy? last i heard the insurgents weren't using swords except on innocent people's heads. they are using AK-47s homemade bombs and RPGs. that is a BIG difference.

in afghanistan they were basically cavalry and riflemen if i were to adapt it to game standards. they had experience fighting the largest standing army in the world (USSR) and were trained extensively in tactics for small groups attacking larger ones (terrorist camps). the Navy SEALs, Army Rangers, and Force Recon went in there and ripped them to shreds. they are now on the run hiding in mountains like the criminals they are.

in Iraq it's a whole different Urban ballgame. the largest supporters of terrorism are boardering the country (iran and syria) and the terrorists are flooding in over the boarders. but how can you expect a country that has trouble policing it's own boarders to be able to secure Iraq's. and another thing, there has yet to be an unsuccessful raid by US and Iraqi troops on suspected insurgent headquarters. the US and Iraqis haven't had to "fall back" and are never outmatched. but the loonies they are going against are willing to take about 3 or 4 american troops with them when they suicide bomb.


point is: Navy SEALs are among the best special ops in the world and to say they couldn't HALO jump into a city sneak around a bit and pick off a squad of swordsmen, riflemen, or grenadiers is just plain insane.

 

[syn]

how to promote your battleships

my favourite is collateral damage, barrage II gives +10% vs melee units and barrage III +10% vs gunpowder units. macemen think twice before taking a swim!

alternatively you could go the first strikes way, drill IV gives +10% vs mounted units, excellent against those annoying horse archers lurking in the coastal tiles and getting 10% terrain bonus

 

[jayeffaar]

It's. Just. A. Game.

If you want realism, play AOE3.

Come on... he's not complaining about any of this. He's just saying that it's funny. And it is.

 

[Ukas]

Napoleon Bonaparte found first French city, Paris - on a south coast of the great big continent, between a big desert region and hill/mountain area. A good thing for the Parisians that there was a plethora of fish and crabs on the coast. Nevertheless the French civilization was born.

About a thousand years and a few months after in Bonaparte's palace. Napoleon wakes up on a hay bed, stretches, puts on a robe and heads to his bedroom balcony. Sun shines and the valley between desert and grassy hills looks quite beautiful. Napoleon notices satisfiedly, that flames are already rising from the only mine yet built in Paris. The chief advisor arrives.

NB: Oh, bonjour Adviseur!

Advisor: Bonjour, Sir.

NB: It's a good thing we constructed that mine, it really gives a boost to le production level.

Advisor: That is true Mon Sir, it feels like we started building that granarieur building only &#253;esterday, and now it is all but finished.

NB: By le way, what do these miner dig? Is it some kind of material we can use to make weapons?

Advisor: No no, Sir, I have heard rumours about such materials or metals, they are called copper and iron, but we do not possess a skill to use them quite yet.

NB: Aha... perhaps stones then?

Advisor: No mon Dictateur, stones we could dig but the work can be done only in special places where there is a stone resource, and then we have to construct a quarry on it in order to dig stones. We haven't found any stone resources yet.

NB: Le marble?

Advisor: No, Mon Empereur, it is the same thing with le marble.

NB: Well, uh, perhaps then so rare and beautiful materials, that they would be valuable, and we could make beautiful items of them and in future use them as a currency.

Advisor: Empereur is thinking about gems, gold and silver?

NB: Oui, Adviseur! Are they digging gold or silver?

Advisor: No, Mon Leadeur, our scout saw gold far away, and it was near Aztec capitol.

NB: Sacre Bleu! I give up! Now, Adviseur, tell me what are they digging?

Advisor: I guess it is just some useful stuff.

NB: There's no name?

Advisor: No. I guess it is usefull, because it boost up the production. As I know we can still build a mine on top of every hill, and extract the same stuff. According to what I've learned, even le workers themselves do not know what tey are digging.

NB: La. Good. Well. One thing less for us to remember.

 

[Siggy19]

are you crazy? last i heard the insurgents weren't using swords except on innocent people's heads. they are using AK-47s homemade bombs and RPGs. that is a BIG difference.

...

point is: Navy SEALs are among the best special ops in the world and to say they couldn't HALO jump into a city sneak around a bit and pick off a squad of swordsmen, riflemen, or grenadiers is just plain insane.

As I said, I was not trying to start a debate on the merits of the Iraq war. I was not even trying to argue that Navy SEALS are anything other than God-like Warriors.

I was simply commenting that America won the 'war' against a reasonably capable organized military force very quickly and with few casualties but that a relatively unorganized, minimally equipped, barely trained (and, according to the American Government, numerically small) enemy has since then caused huge American casualties.

This is not Tanks Vs Spearmen, but it is comparable considering the difference in training, organization and equipment. Thus, while we might laugh at some of Civilization's random results, there is some basis for them in the real world.

Of Course the Navy SEALS can do almost anything that they want to do... but that requires that they have the Intelligence to tell them what it is that they should be doing and they use satellites, air-power and other assets to enable their mission.

They have had limited use in Iraq (and in Afghanistan... or have they caught Bin Laden yet ?)

 

[moggydave]

The real odd thing I find is that it take one sourceof oil to power 100 tanks and on the game you could still use that one source to power 1000 or 1000000 tanks

 

[Depravo]

NB: Sacre Bleu! I give up! Now, Adviseur, tell me what are they digging?

Advisor: I guess it is just some useful stuff.

NB: There's no name?

Advisor: No. I guess it is usefull, because it boost up the production. As I know we can still build a mine on top of every hill, and extract the same stuff. According to what I've learned, even le workers themselves do not know what tey are digging.

NB: La. Good. Well. One thing less for us to remember.

Flint, maybe?