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Jokes II
- Thread starter Bose
- Start date
Eastern Knight
Dragons!
Book Titles:
"Craziness" By: Justin Sane
"Trapped" By: Noah Kessit
"Where do I go after death?" By: Michael Finn
"Wealthy Animals" By: Richard Vark
"Craziness" By: Justin Sane
"Trapped" By: Noah Kessit
"Where do I go after death?" By: Michael Finn
"Wealthy Animals" By: Richard Vark
Eastern Knight
Dragons!
"The Big Book of Snakes" By: Anna Konda
"Guide to Coin Collecting" By: Annie Cole
From books:
"How to get rich" By: Jack Pott
"How to get rich" By: Rob Banks
"Guide to Coin Collecting" By: Annie Cole
From books:
"How to get rich" By: Jack Pott
"How to get rich" By: Rob Banks
Fanatix
Mindless Drone
There are 10 types of people in the world: those who understand binary and those who don't
Two Inuits were paddling their kayak down a river. It was cold. So they built a fire in the kayak. Since it was made of wood, the kayak burned and sank. This just goes to show, you can't have a kayak and heat it too.
Two bull weevils lived together. One went to Hollywood and became a movie star. The other stayed on the farm doing nothing all day. The latter was known as the lesser of two weevils.
A chess team just won the championship game. They went to a lobby to brag about their great victory. The manager came and asked them to leave. The chess team asked why. The manager replied, "Because I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
Two bull weevils lived together. One went to Hollywood and became a movie star. The other stayed on the farm doing nothing all day. The latter was known as the lesser of two weevils.
A chess team just won the championship game. They went to a lobby to brag about their great victory. The manager came and asked them to leave. The chess team asked why. The manager replied, "Because I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
Aphex_Twin
Evergreen
- Joined
- Sep 7, 2002
- Messages
- 7,474
One question, puglover... Are you British?
puglover: watch out! if you crack too many of these, I may have to retaliate! And I have a very large collection! 
Here goes.....
A young boy had a job bagging groceries at a supermarket. One day the store decided to install a machine for squeezing fresh orange juice.
The young lad was most intrigued by this machine, and he asked if he could be allowed to work the machine. The manager refused, but the youngster couldn't understand why not.
The store manager explained it to him: "Sorry, kid, but baggers can't be juicers."
.... and another ....
Back in one of the old Chinese dynasties the towns had gongs that would be rung each two hours: At 8am once, 10am twice, noon thrice, 2pm four times, etc.
The lawyers of the day would stretch out the trials as much they could to make more money.
But the judges became extremely bored with the status quo and went to the emperor, getting a proclamation that all trials would have to be concluded at 2pm.
Thereafter all trials ended with a four-gong conclusion.
.... and an extra long one to finish with ....
A troop of French Foreign Legionaries were marching through the desert. They had been marching for days, their water supply had run out, and they were on the brink of collapse.
And then suddenly, as they staggered over the crest of a large sand dune, they came upon a sight that brought relief to them all - a market place, spread out over the desert. Rows of colourful stalls, with their banners flapping in the breeze.
The legionaries were delighted. Filled with an extra surge of energy, they ran down the dune to the market.
Arriving at the first stall, the begged the stall-holder for water.
"I'm sorry," says the stall-holder, "all I have are these delicious puddings made from jelly and sponge and with a cream topping sprinkled with hundreds and thousands."
Not to be deterred, the troops move on to the next stall, pleading for water.
"Sorry, but I only have these bowls of pudding, made from jelly and sponge," says the man behind the counter.
The legionaries move on, but as they look down the rows of stalls, they can see that every single stall is selling exactly the same thing, and as they move along, asking for water, they get the same response every time.
Finally, one of the stall-holders takes pity on them, and tells them about an oasis not far away, so they leave the market, and head for the oasis.
As they're leaving, one of the legionaries turns to his partner, and says "Hmmm. That was a trifle bazaar."
There. That should have you groaning in agony for a while
ps Aphex_twin: hehehe.... americans may pretend they're sophiticated, but they love these jokes every bit as much as the brits. (and with my website, I'm in a position to know 
)
Here goes.....
A young boy had a job bagging groceries at a supermarket. One day the store decided to install a machine for squeezing fresh orange juice.
The young lad was most intrigued by this machine, and he asked if he could be allowed to work the machine. The manager refused, but the youngster couldn't understand why not.
The store manager explained it to him: "Sorry, kid, but baggers can't be juicers."
.... and another ....
Back in one of the old Chinese dynasties the towns had gongs that would be rung each two hours: At 8am once, 10am twice, noon thrice, 2pm four times, etc.
The lawyers of the day would stretch out the trials as much they could to make more money.
But the judges became extremely bored with the status quo and went to the emperor, getting a proclamation that all trials would have to be concluded at 2pm.
Thereafter all trials ended with a four-gong conclusion.
.... and an extra long one to finish with ....
A troop of French Foreign Legionaries were marching through the desert. They had been marching for days, their water supply had run out, and they were on the brink of collapse.
And then suddenly, as they staggered over the crest of a large sand dune, they came upon a sight that brought relief to them all - a market place, spread out over the desert. Rows of colourful stalls, with their banners flapping in the breeze.
The legionaries were delighted. Filled with an extra surge of energy, they ran down the dune to the market.
Arriving at the first stall, the begged the stall-holder for water.
"I'm sorry," says the stall-holder, "all I have are these delicious puddings made from jelly and sponge and with a cream topping sprinkled with hundreds and thousands."
Not to be deterred, the troops move on to the next stall, pleading for water.
"Sorry, but I only have these bowls of pudding, made from jelly and sponge," says the man behind the counter.
The legionaries move on, but as they look down the rows of stalls, they can see that every single stall is selling exactly the same thing, and as they move along, asking for water, they get the same response every time.
Finally, one of the stall-holders takes pity on them, and tells them about an oasis not far away, so they leave the market, and head for the oasis.
As they're leaving, one of the legionaries turns to his partner, and says "Hmmm. That was a trifle bazaar."
There. That should have you groaning in agony for a while
ps Aphex_twin: hehehe.... americans may pretend they're sophiticated, but they love these jokes every bit as much as the brits.
(and with my website, I'm in a position to know )
CivCube
Spicy.
- Joined
- Jan 15, 2003
- Messages
- 5,824
A church was in need of a new bell-ringer, so they placed an ad in the newspaper. A couple of weeks later, there is a series of loud thumps at the door. Opening it, the bishop finds that it's a man with no arms. "What can I do for you, sir?"
"Hello father, I'm here to apply for the job."
"The job? You mean the bell-ringer?!"
The man with no arms nodded. "But of course! My family has a proud, long line of bell-ringers."
The bishop was perplexed. "And they all have no arms?"
"Ay-yup."
He thought this interesting bit over. "Well, all right. Let's see what you can do."
They went up to the bell tower that afternoon. The man with no arms ran right up to the bell and hit it as hard as he could with his head. The sound that the bell gave was clear and sharp and was heard perfectly three times. Needless to say, the bishop was impressed. "Well done, you're hired!"
The man with no arms was delighted. "Thank you, father! I'll see you this Sunday, then!"
And so this all went fine...for a year. On Easter Sunday, the man with no arms must have had bad nerves that morning, for when he ran to hit the bell, he missed, and as a result fell to his death.
At this point a young couple was about to enter the church when the man's body fell right in front of them. The girl screamed and looked away. "Oh my God, Charles! Who is it, who is it?!"
The boy looked at the body and grinned. "I don't know, but that face sure rings a bell!"
So the church places another ad in the paper...and who should answer but another man with no arms. "Oh no, do you have any relation to that other man?" said the bishop.
"Yes father, I do; I am his cousin. I just heard of this terrible incident and I feel that it is my duty to take up his."
The bishop was torn. "All right, but be careful up there, okay? We don't need any more of this."
And so this worked just great...for about six months. For on Christmas morning, this man too missed the bell and plummeted to his demise.
At this time, the same couple witnessed this as they were about to enter the church. "OH MY GOD!" screamed the girl, who covered her eyes. "Who is it now!"
Her husband kneeled down and grinned. "I don't know, but he's a dead ringer for that other guy!"
"Hello father, I'm here to apply for the job."
"The job? You mean the bell-ringer?!"
The man with no arms nodded. "But of course! My family has a proud, long line of bell-ringers."
The bishop was perplexed. "And they all have no arms?"
"Ay-yup."
He thought this interesting bit over. "Well, all right. Let's see what you can do."
They went up to the bell tower that afternoon. The man with no arms ran right up to the bell and hit it as hard as he could with his head. The sound that the bell gave was clear and sharp and was heard perfectly three times. Needless to say, the bishop was impressed. "Well done, you're hired!"
The man with no arms was delighted. "Thank you, father! I'll see you this Sunday, then!"
And so this all went fine...for a year. On Easter Sunday, the man with no arms must have had bad nerves that morning, for when he ran to hit the bell, he missed, and as a result fell to his death.
At this point a young couple was about to enter the church when the man's body fell right in front of them. The girl screamed and looked away. "Oh my God, Charles! Who is it, who is it?!"
The boy looked at the body and grinned. "I don't know, but that face sure rings a bell!"
So the church places another ad in the paper...and who should answer but another man with no arms. "Oh no, do you have any relation to that other man?" said the bishop.
"Yes father, I do; I am his cousin. I just heard of this terrible incident and I feel that it is my duty to take up his."
The bishop was torn. "All right, but be careful up there, okay? We don't need any more of this."
And so this worked just great...for about six months. For on Christmas morning, this man too missed the bell and plummeted to his demise.
At this time, the same couple witnessed this as they were about to enter the church. "OH MY GOD!" screamed the girl, who covered her eyes. "Who is it now!"
Her husband kneeled down and grinned. "I don't know, but he's a dead ringer for that other guy!"
Shadylookin
master debater
these jokes will probably suck, but i don't care
One day a kid was bored, so he went looking for something to do. He soon found a toolbox out in the garage and he was interested so he opened it up. He then found a old yellow handled screwdirver. He took it out and in his bordem he threw it up in the air and caught it. He kept doing this since he had nothing else to do. He put it up, but every so often he would get it out when he was bored. AFter a while he started to get good at it. Throwing up the screwdriver catching it with his eyes closed, behind the back. Then he started getting real good and built up some muscle, and he could throw the screwdriver up as high as the big tree in his backyard(about 40 feet). The one day his parents were trying to decided on what to get the kid for his birthday. They looked out the window and saw their kid playing with that old screwdriver, so his father said how about we get him a new big shiny yellow screwdriver for his birthday. She didn't think it was a bad idea so they went to the hardware store and found what they thought would be the perfect screwdriver for their son. So they bought it took it home and wrapped it. Well time flew by and it was the kids birthday, his parents then brought out his gift. He unwrapped it and saw this beautiful yellow screwdriver. So happy, excited, and pumped full of adrenaline, he ran out the door to the backyard and threw it as hard as he could up in the air. The screwdriver took off like a rocket flying way above the tree. It went so high he lost sight of it and he never saw the screwdriver again.
There was a rich guy wanting to pick up a chick. He found one that looked good and he made his move. It turned out that she really like italian food, so to try and impress her he said "Hey why dont' we take my private jet and fly their for the evening and enjoy a nice diner" Kinda excited she said yes. Then he told her to meet him at the airport at 3 and they'll take his private plane. So at 3 they both arive to go on the trip, but the man soon learns she has a little dog with her(he didn't really care for dogs but he thought oh well) So they got in the plane and took off. Now being a rich guy he had aquired a taste for fine cuban cigars, so he lit one up. A few minutes later the women asks him "Will you please put out the cigar I have a terrible tolerance for tobacco products." He then says i'll throw my cigar out the window if you throw your dog out the window. she says "No i couldn't i love my dog to much." So a few minutes later her eyes start to get all puffy and she asks if he wil please put out the cigar. He says he'll throw the cigar out the window if she throws out the dog. She again says she can't because she loves her dog. Her eyes get more puffy and she again asks if he will put it out. "When you throw the dog out the window i'll throw out my cigar." This happends a few more times and each time the women looks worse. She soon gets so tired of it that she throws the small dog right out the window. Not wanting to be a liar and kinda surprised the man imediately throws out his cigar. A few minutes later they hear a scratching sound on the wing. They thought No way. They look out the window and see the small dog grasping for dear life. And i bet you can't guess what was in that dogs mouth... Nope not the cigar a yellow screwdriver.
One day a kid was bored, so he went looking for something to do. He soon found a toolbox out in the garage and he was interested so he opened it up. He then found a old yellow handled screwdirver. He took it out and in his bordem he threw it up in the air and caught it. He kept doing this since he had nothing else to do. He put it up, but every so often he would get it out when he was bored. AFter a while he started to get good at it. Throwing up the screwdriver catching it with his eyes closed, behind the back. Then he started getting real good and built up some muscle, and he could throw the screwdriver up as high as the big tree in his backyard(about 40 feet). The one day his parents were trying to decided on what to get the kid for his birthday. They looked out the window and saw their kid playing with that old screwdriver, so his father said how about we get him a new big shiny yellow screwdriver for his birthday. She didn't think it was a bad idea so they went to the hardware store and found what they thought would be the perfect screwdriver for their son. So they bought it took it home and wrapped it. Well time flew by and it was the kids birthday, his parents then brought out his gift. He unwrapped it and saw this beautiful yellow screwdriver. So happy, excited, and pumped full of adrenaline, he ran out the door to the backyard and threw it as hard as he could up in the air. The screwdriver took off like a rocket flying way above the tree. It went so high he lost sight of it and he never saw the screwdriver again.
There was a rich guy wanting to pick up a chick. He found one that looked good and he made his move. It turned out that she really like italian food, so to try and impress her he said "Hey why dont' we take my private jet and fly their for the evening and enjoy a nice diner" Kinda excited she said yes. Then he told her to meet him at the airport at 3 and they'll take his private plane. So at 3 they both arive to go on the trip, but the man soon learns she has a little dog with her(he didn't really care for dogs but he thought oh well) So they got in the plane and took off. Now being a rich guy he had aquired a taste for fine cuban cigars, so he lit one up. A few minutes later the women asks him "Will you please put out the cigar I have a terrible tolerance for tobacco products." He then says i'll throw my cigar out the window if you throw your dog out the window. she says "No i couldn't i love my dog to much." So a few minutes later her eyes start to get all puffy and she asks if he wil please put out the cigar. He says he'll throw the cigar out the window if she throws out the dog. She again says she can't because she loves her dog. Her eyes get more puffy and she again asks if he will put it out. "When you throw the dog out the window i'll throw out my cigar." This happends a few more times and each time the women looks worse. She soon gets so tired of it that she throws the small dog right out the window. Not wanting to be a liar and kinda surprised the man imediately throws out his cigar. A few minutes later they hear a scratching sound on the wing. They thought No way. They look out the window and see the small dog grasping for dear life. And i bet you can't guess what was in that dogs mouth... Nope not the cigar a yellow screwdriver.
Eastern Knight
Dragons!
A bald man took a seat in a beauty shop.
"How can I help you?" asked the stylist.
"I went for a hair transplant," the guy explaiined, "but I couldn't stand the pain. If you can make my hair look like yours without causing me any discomfort, I will pay you $5000."
"No problem." said the stylist, and she quickly shaved her head.
"How can I help you?" asked the stylist.
"I went for a hair transplant," the guy explaiined, "but I couldn't stand the pain. If you can make my hair look like yours without causing me any discomfort, I will pay you $5000."
"No problem." said the stylist, and she quickly shaved her head.
Eastern Knight
Dragons!
why havn't anyone replied after the last message? anyway, here's another joke: A teacher was describing what a pig looks like to her kindergarten students, it was so boring that they dozed off, and the teacher said, "How are you going to know what a pig looks like if you don't look at me?!"
G-Man
A One Man's War
Not quite a joke, but rather something nice I found:
Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at an Elingsh uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in what oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht the frist and the lsat ltteer is at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a toatl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae we do not raed ervey lteter by it slef but the wrod as a wlohe.
Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at an Elingsh uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in what oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht the frist and the lsat ltteer is at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a toatl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae we do not raed ervey lteter by it slef but the wrod as a wlohe.
Japanrocks12
tired of being a man
How to make friends and de-alienate people by author x
How to lose friends and alienate people by author x's hated enemy
How to lose friends and alienate people by author x's hated enemy
WildWeazel
Going Dutch
Two guys walk into a bar and the third ducks. 
Chain n' Axe
Chieftain
If you get $50 for donating sperm then I have a towel at home thats worth
$1,000
$1,000
