Jokes II

[ubannoying]

Originally posted by nalves
... tells her about conception, sexual intra-course, sperms and eggs ...

Just so you know, the prefix "intra" means within and the prefix "inter" means between or among. For example, an intrastate highway only exists in one state, whereas the interstate highway runs accross multiple states.

So are you sure he was talking about "intra-course"

 

[Turner]

Going back, reading the Relgious & Golf jokes, reminds me of a joke. . .

So Jesus and Moses were playing golf one day. They're going along, and get to the third hole. There's a water hazard in the middle, and Jesus goes first.

"I think I'll use my 7 iron for this."

"I wouldn't," said Moses.

"If Tiger Woods can do it, so can I." He hits the ball, and sure enough, it goes into the water. Moses sighs, parts the water, and they play on.

At the 9th hole, there's another water hazard in the middle of the course. Jesus once again grabs his 7 iron, and is getting ready to swing when Moses says "Hey, that didn't work last time. I don't think it'll work this time."

Jesus says, "If Tiger Woods can do it, so can I." Jesus swings, and sure enough, it goes into the water hazard. Moses sighs again, parts the water, and they play on.

At the 13th hole, there's again a water hazard. Jesus grabs the trust 7 iron, and starts to swing, when Moses says, "Hey, it didnt' work the last time. It didn't work the time before, so why are you trying it now?"

Jesus says, "If Tiger Woods can do it, so can I."

Moses sighs, and says "Fine. If it goes in, you're on your own."

Sure enough, the ball goes into the water. Moses says, "See, I told you! I'm not helping this time."

So Jesus walks out, walking on water, swinging his club inside the water trying to fish out the ball. While he's doing this, two guys playing behind them catch up, and see Jesus walking on the water. One guys says "Who does that guy think he is? Jesus Christ?"

Moses looks at him and says, "No, Tiger Woods."


Edit: And that reminded me of another:

Three guys were fishing one day, and one guy stands up and says "I need to go to the bathroom." He jumps out of the boat, walks across the water, and does his business. He then walks across the water back to the boat, and gets back in. The third guy is looking at him, can't believe what he saw.

After a while, the second guy says, "I need to go to the bathroom." He, too, jumps out of the boat, walks across the water, does his thing, and walks back to the boat. The third guy still can't believe his eyes.

After a while, he says, "I need to go to the bathroom." He jumps out of the boat, and falls right thru. The first guy says to the second guy, "Should we tell him where the rocks are?"

 

[G-Man]

Originally posted by Turner_727
"If Tiger Woods can do it, so can I." He hits the ball, and sure enough, it goes into the water. Noah sighs, parts the water, and they play on.

You confused Noah with Moses. Noah can, at best, put the ball in a boat

 

[Turner]

Crap, I missed one. I started to type Noah, realized it, and went back and changed all of them, I thought. Sigh. Thanks for point that out.

 

[ferenginar]

Two old ladies are looking at bobble hats in a shop window, one lady points at a nice blue one and says "That's the one I'd get" and then cyclops comes round the corner and punches her.


A man walks into a shop, goes up to the counter and says
"I would like to buy a wasp please"
assistant - "We don't sell wasps"
man -"But you've got two in the window"


Q. What do you call a dead Bee
A. A Was


Q. How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A. Two, but don't ask me how they got there.

 

[Bose]

How many kids with ADD does it take to change a light bulb?


Wanna go ride our bikes?

 

[SuperBeaverInc.]

You are the president of the United States. You recieve word from NASA that a giant meteor is hurling towards Earth, and is going to impact right in the middle of France.
Do you:
A)send CNN so you can stay up late and watch the meteor strike
b)send CNN and tape it so you can watch it over and over again

 

[SuperBeaverInc.]

One day a woman calls the local schoolboard and tells them that she wants to enlist her 10 children in school. So they send a representative to meet her. When she arrives she meets a woman with a southern accent and a run down old house. The representative asks her "so you want to enlist your children correct?" The woman replies "Yup, that be correct, but let me get them first". So she yells, "Come here Jimbo, Jimbo, Jimbo, Jimbo, Jimbo, Jimbo, Jimbo, Jimbo, Jimbo, and Jimbo." The representative is stunned. "But how do you tell them apart?" To which the woman replies "Their last names"

 

[SuperBeaverInc.]

Three men approach a sacred monk in the mountains of Tibet. They each want to drink from a holy fountain that is supposed to grant magical powers. So the monk tells them "First, each of you must do something bad." So they all go out to do something bad. The first man comes back and says to the monk "A robbed a bank, may I drink from the fountain?" "Yes you may," replies the monk. The second man comes back and says "I killed a man, may I drink from the fountain?" "Yes you may," replies the monk. So the third man comes back and says "I sh*t in the fountain...

 

[SuperBeaverInc.]

An Engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks in his records and declares, "Ah, you are an Engineer. You seem to be in the wrong place."

So the Engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon the Engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell. Thanks to him, they have air-conditioning, flushing toilets and escalators. The Engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day God calls up the Devil on the phone and says, "Hey, how are things are going down there?"

The Devil replies, "Things are great. We've got an Engineer and who knows what he'll think of next."

God replies "What! You've got an engineer! That's a mistake! Send him up here now!"

Satan says "No way!"

God replies, "If you don't I'll sue!" Satan laughs and answers, "Yeah, right! And where are you gonna get a lawyer?"

 

[SuperBeaverInc.]

A barber gave a haircut to a priest one day. The priest tried to pay for the haircut but the barber refused saying, "I cannot accept money from you, for you are a good man - you do God's work." The next morning the barber found a dozen bibles at the door to his shop.

A policeman came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused payment saying, "I cannot accept money from you, for you are a good man - you protect the public." The next morning the barber found a dozen doughnuts at the door to his shop.

A lawyer came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused payment saying, "I cannot accept money from you, for you are a good man - you serve the justice system." The next morning the barber found a dozen more lawyers waiting for a haircut.

 

[SuperBeaverInc.]

What do you call an Redneck farmer with a sheep under each arm?
A pimp.

 

[SuperBeaverInc.]

A blonde guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.

"What's up?" he says.

"I'm having a heart attack!" cries the woman.

He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year old son comes up and says, "Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your closet and he's got no clothes on!"

The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the closet door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closet floor.

"You jerk!," says the husband, "my wife's having a heart attack and you're running around with no clothes on scaring the kids!"

 

[SuperBeaverInc.]

Harry answers the telephone, and it's an Emergency Room doctor.

The doctor says, "Your wife was in a serious car accident, and I have bad news and good news. The bad news is she has lost all use of both arms and both legs, and will need help eating and going to the bathroom for the rest of her life."

Harry says, "My God. What's the good news?"

The doctor says, "I'm kidding. She's dead!"

 

[SuperBeaverInc.]

Traditional Capitalism: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.
American Capitalism: You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead.

French Capitalism: You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.

Japanese Capitalism: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and market them World-Wide.

German Capitalism: You have two cows. You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

Italian Capitalism: You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. You break for lunch.

British Capitalism: You have two cows. Both are mad.

Russian Capitalism: You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

Arkansas Capitalism: You have two cows. That one on the left is kinda cute...

Hindu Capitalism: You have two cows. You worship them.

Swiss Capitalism: You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you. You charge others for storing them.

Canadian Capitalism: You have two cows. Let’s make a hockey team, eh?

Chinese Capitalism: You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported the numbers.

Irish Capitalism: You have two cows. You feed them potatoes and wonder why they emigrate.

Israeli Capitalism: So, there are these two Jewish cows, right? They open a milk factory, an ice cream store, and then sell the movie rights. They send their calves to Harvard to become doctors. So, who needs people?

Enron Capitalism: You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release. The public buys your bull.

Cuban Capitalism: You have two cows. They try to swim to Florida.

Politically Correct Capitalism: You are associated with (the concept of "ownership" is a symbol of the phallo centric, war mongering, intolerant past) two differently - aged (but no less valuable to society) bovines of non-specified gender.

Disney Capitalism: You have two cows. They dance & sing.

Microsoft Capitalism: You have two cows. You patent them and sue anyone else who has them.

Hollywood Capitalism: You have two cows. You give them utter implants and also teach them to bullet-dodge, wall climb and shoot milk out of their utters on command.

Clinton Capitalism: You have two cows. You deny any knowledge of them.

Bureaucratic Capitalism: You have two cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and eggs the regulations say you should need.

Gore Capitalism: You have two cows. You claim you invented them.

Real-World Capitalism: You have two cows. You share two cows with your neighbors. You and your neighbors bicker about who has the most "ability" and who has the most "need". Meanwhile, no one works, no one gets any milk, and the cows drop dead of starvation.

Australian Capitalism: You have two cows. You try to wrestle them.

Iraqi Capitalism: You have two cows. They are biochemical weapons.

Perestroika Capitalism: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk. You steal back as much milk as you can and sell it on the black market.

Jewish Capitalism: You have two cows. You set them on fire and they burn for 8 days.

Cambodian Capitalism: You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you.

Mormon Capitalism: You have two cows. You tell everyone that they should as well.

Military Capitalism: You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you.

Texan Capitalism: You have two cows. You teach them to fire guns.

Totalitarian Capitalism: You have two cows. The government takes them and denies they ever existed. Milk is banned.

Nevadan Capitalism: You have two cows. You charge lonely men from Arkansas to spend the night with them.

Jehovah’s Witness Capitalism: You have two cows. You go door to door telling people that you do.

Bureaucrat Capitalism: You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. Then it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.

Real Capitalism: You don't have any cows.
The bank will not lend you money to buy cows, because you don't have any cows to put up as collateral.

Environmental Capitalism: You have two cows. The government bans you from milking them.

Surreal Capitalism: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

Californian Capitalism: You have two cows. They are happy.

Bush Capitalism: You have two cows. You think that cows and humans can coexist peacefully. You give all of the milk to the upper class when they have cows of their own, and the lower class needs milk.

Martha Stewart Capitalism: You have two cows. After decorating them, you sell them because a farmer told you the price of milk might go down.

Ayn Rand Capitalism: You have two cows. You sell both so that you can invest in a new dairy company. After it does well, you sell you stock and buy a cow farm.
After that does well, you take out a loan using cows as capitol and build a milk manufacturing factory. After making your milk the most sold, you sell the company and retire to Hawaii with your millions of dollars.

 

[G-Man]

We had the cows thingy a couple of times before I think... Atleast once they had a seperate thread. I think in some of the places there it should read communism or socialism, not capitalism.

 

[YNCS]

On an isolated island are a tribe called the Trids. The Trids live at one end of the island and their food supply is at the other end. To get to the food the Trids have to climb a large hill. On top of the hill lives a giant. The giant kicks each Trid as they walk by.

One day a ship comes to the island and on the ship is a rabbi. The rabbi hears about the plight of the Trids. He climbs the hill but the giant ignores him. So the rabbi goes down, gets some food, climbs the hill, gives the food to the Trids, and all the time the giant does nothing. Finally the rabbi asks the giant "Hey giant, why don't you kick me?" The giant responds "Silly rabbi, kicks are for Trids."

NOTE TO NON-AMERICANS OR NON-CANADIANS: You will not get this joke.

 

[Bose]

you're right you know...

 

[Rout]

Originally posted by YNCS
NOTE TO NON-AMERICANS OR NON-CANADIANS: You will not get this joke.

An explanation please?
I cannot bear not being in on things

 

[Japanrocks12]

You're an European

You come home from work and your wife beats you up... you know why

You're an Asian

You come home from work and beat your wife up... she knows why

You're a Middle-Eastern

You come home from work and beat your wife up while she beats you... nobody knows why