Jokes II

[da_greatest]

A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened.
Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100. When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to God, USA, they decided to send it to President Bush.

The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill.

President Bush thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.

The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 and sat down to write a thank you note to God, which read:

Dear God,

Thank you very much for sending the money, however, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington D.C. and, as usual, those crooks deducted $95.00.

 

[Eastern Knight]

heh, saw that one before, but still funny

 

[Serutan]

Aging: If it's not an issue for you, it will be.

 

[gozpel]

A circus owner walked into a bar to see everyone crowded about a table watching a little show. On the table was an upside-down pot and a duck tap-dancing on it.
The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck from its owner. After some wheeling and dealing they settled for $10,000 for the duck and the pot.

Three days later the circus owner runs back to the bar in anger, "Your duck is a rip-off! I put him on the pot before a whole audience and he didn't dance a single step!"

"Well," said the duck's former owner, "did you remember to light a candle under the pot?"

 

[Eastern Knight]

A guy walked into a bar and ordered a glass of 5-year-old brandy. The bartender promptly gave him his drink. After taking a sip, the man told the bartender that he had given him 1-year-old brandy. The bartender apologized and poured him another drink. The man took a sip and complained to the bartender that he had given him 3-year-old brandy. The bartender apologized and poured him another drink. The man took a sip and replied to the bartender that this was 5-year-old brandy.
Having overheard the conversation, an elderly man replied, "You sure do know your brandy," the man proudly said, "I like to think so." The old man asked if he would taste his drink and tell him the age.
"Sure", he replied and began to take a sip.
Quickly, the man spit out the drink and yelled, "This is not brandy, it's pee!"
"Yep," replied the elder, "now tell me how old I am."

 

[G-Man]

Originally posted by da_greatest
A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened.
Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100. When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to God, USA, they decided to send it to President Bush.

The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill.

President Bush thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.

The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 and sat down to write a thank you note to God, which read:

Dear God,

Thank you very much for sending the money, however, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington D.C. and, as usual, those crooks deducted $95.00.

Remarkably this is actually very close to a real case in Israel - the Israeli mail deals with thousands of letters adressed to "god". Since no such adress exists, they're opened by them so they'll know who to return them to. In one case they got a letter from a poor man asking god for 5000 shekels so he can celebrate the holidays. The mail workers were touched by it and each donated some money - collecting a total of 4300 shekels (a bit less than $1000) and sending them back to the man. Several weeks later they got a thank you letter - again adressed to "god" - in which the man thanked god for helping him, but also asking him not to send it through the mail again because they stole 700 shekels...

 

[puglover]

A British bomber crewman is captured after he bailed out over Germany. He is put in prison. The Germans tell him he needs his arm cut off. The prisoner says, "If so, drop my arm out of a bomber over British territory." The Germans agree. Then the man needs his leg cut off. The prisoner says, "If so, drop my leg out of a bomber over British territory." The Germans agree. Then the man needs his other leg cut off and he makes the same request. But this time the Germans said, "No! You're trying to escape!"

A hiker and a guide are taking a trip through the moutains. The hiker says, "We're lost! You said you were the best mountain guide in the United States!" The guide says, "I am. But I think we're in Canada!"

 

[WildFire]

Don't read this is your offended by funny *maybe* racist jokes

What is the difference between and black man and a large pizza?

The pizza can feed a family of 4!

(before anyone says anything, there WAS a disclaimer and c'mon, black people bust on white "crackers" [not the CFC member] all the time)

Wanna hear a joke about a fence?

Never mind, you'll never get over it!


When you break up with your girlfriend, bend down like and Knight and tell her to get over you!!

o_O

 

[Captain Carnage]

Originally posted by G-Man
Not quite a joke, but rather something nice I found:
Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at an Elingsh uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in what oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht the frist and the lsat ltteer is at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a toatl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae we do not raed ervey lteter by it slef but the wrod as a wlohe.

 

[Captain Carnage]

from Al Lowe :

Bill bumped into his old friend Peter as they both were leaving the racetrack. Peter said, "How's it going, Bill?" "How's it going? I'll tell you how it's going. One of the most amazing coincidences happened to me today! What's today's date?" "July seventh." "Right. The seventh day of the seventh month. I got to the track at exactly seven minutes past seven. And there was a house running in the seventh race today named "Seventh Heaven!" "Let me guess," Peter interrupted. "You put everything you had on him!" "Right." "And he won!" "No. The son of a ***** came in seventh!"

 

[Eastern Knight]

A guy walks into work, and both of his ears are all bandaged up.
The boss says, "What happened to your ears?"
He says, "Yesterday I was ironing a shirt when the phone rang and I accidentally answered the iron."
The boss says, "Well, that explains one ear, but what happened to your other ear?"
He says, "Well, I had to call the doctor!"

 

[Japanrocks12]

A racist Joke. Warning: DO NOT READ IF YOU ARE EASILY OFFENDED


Q: What did the Tijuanan get for Christmas?
A: Your bike

Q: Why should you try to steal a bike from a Tijuanan?
A: Cause it's your bike

 

[Rout]

Originally posted by Japanrocks12
A racist Joke. Warning: DO NOT READ IF YOU ARE EASILY OFFENDED


Q: What did the Tijuanan get for Christmas?
A: Your bike

Q: Why should you try to steal a bike from a Tijuanan?
A: Cause it's your bike

I dont get it. Probably because ive no idea who the 'Tijuanan' is/are.

 

[Japanrocks12]

Tijuana, the border city in Mexico by the U.S. The people there are known for their poverty

 

[Rout]

Originally posted by Japanrocks12
Tijuana, the border city in Mexico by the U.S. The people there are known for their poverty

Thanks
I suppose they have a reputation for theiving then

 

[Captain Carnage]

A trick-or-treater came to the door dressed as "Rocky," in boxing
gloves and
satin shorts. He got some goodies, but in a few minutes, he was back
for
more. "Say, aren't you the same 'Rocky' who was just here a few
minutes
ago?" asked the homeowner. "Yep," he replied, "but now I'm the sequel.
And
I'll be back three more times tonight!"

 

[Eastern Knight]

"What am I supposed to do with this?" grumbled a motorist as the policeman handed him a speeding ticket.

"Keep it," the cop said, "when you collect four of them you get a bicycle."

 

[Captain Carnage]

A little old lady answered the knock at her front door and found a well-dressed young man with a vacuum cleaner. "Good morning," he said. "I'd like to demonstrate for you the very best in high-powered vacuum cleaners." "Go away!" said the old lady. "I can't afford a new vacuum." Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. "Don't be so hasty!" he said, pushing his way past her. "At least watch my demonstration." And with that, he dumped a bucket of dried horse manure on her carpet. "If my vacuum doesn't remove every trace of this from your carpet, Ma'am, I will personally eat the remainder." The old lady stepped back and grinned. "Well, sonny, I hope you've got a good appetite because this morning they cut off my electricity!"

 

[The Person]

Originally posted by Fanatix
There are 10 types of people in the world: those who understand binary and those who don't

I've heard that before. I wonder how many belong to type 1...

 

[Paalikles]

Q. What do economists and computers have in common ??
A. You need to punch information into both of them.
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Why does Treasury only have 10 minutes for morning tea ??
A. If they had any longer, they would need to re-train all the economists.
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Q: How many neo-classical economists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: It depends on the wage rate.