Professional Jokes

[ArneHD]

I found a site with lots of professional jokes on them. Some of them you have probably heard before, but to me many were new.

Link

This one is one of my favourites:

What's the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?
Mechanical engineers build weapons.
Civil engineers build targets.

This one too is very funny

Three freshman engineering students were sitting around talking between classes, when one brought up the question of who designed the human body.

One of the students insisted that the human body must have been designed by an electrical engineer because of the perfection of the nerves and synapses.

Another disagreed, and exclaimed that it had to have been a mechanical engineer who designed the human body. The system of levers and pullies is ingeniuos.

"No," the third student said "your both wrong. The human body was designed by an architect. Who else but an architect would have put a toxic waste line through a recreation area?"

 

[Love]

hehe

 

[pboily]

Q. How do you know the mathematician you are talking to is extroverted?
A. He looks at YOUR shoes.

We are losers.

 

[Swedishguy]

An economic, a logician and a matemathician was on a train going from England to Wales. They spot a cow with a brown side against them.
Economic: Look! There're brown cows in Wales!
Logician: No, there is at least one brown cow in Wales.
Mathemathician: No, there is at least one cow with at least one brown side in Wales.

Hm. Was it supposed to be funny?

 

[Fr8monkey]

Did you hear about the constipated mathmatician?

He worked it out with a pencil.

 

[Perfection]

One of the students insisted that the human body must have been designed by an electrical engineer because of the perfection of the nerves and synapses.

Perfection and Electrical Engineering go well with one another!

 

[Fifty]

a physicist, a strongman, and an economist are stranded on an island with only canned food, but no can opener.

The physicist thinks you can use some rocks and twigs to make a lever and open the cans that way. The strongman wants to bust them open with his teeth. The economist says, "no, I have a solution! First we must assume that I have a can opener..."

HAR HAR STUPID ECONOMISTS WITH THEIR STUPID ASSUMED PERFECT RATIONALITY AND STUPID CETERIS PARIBUS ASSUMPTION AHHAHAHAHAHAH




What do you call a doctor that failed out of med school?

Spoiler ANSWER :

A DENTIST

 

[Mirc]

Writing about music is like dancing about architecture.

Music sung by two people at the same time is called a duel.

LOL!!!!


Edit: The composer Robert Schumann wrote at the beginning of one of his compositions: "To be played as fast as possible." A few measures later he wrote: "Piu Mosso." (faster)

 

[ArneHD]

This one is rather fun:

A man goes in for an interview for a job as a TV news broadcaster. The interview went quite well but the trouble was he kept winking and stammering.

The interviewer said, "Although you have a lot of the qualities we're looking for, the fact that you keep winking and stammering disqualifies you."

"Oh, that's no problem," said the man. "If I take a couple of aspirin I stop winking and stammering for an hour."

"Show me," said the interviewer.

So the man reached into his pocket. Embarrassingly he pulled out loads of condoms of every variety - ribbed, flavoured, colored and everything before he found the packet of aspirin. He took the aspirin and soon talked perfectly and stopped winking.

The interviewer said, "That's amazing, but I don't think we could employ someone who'd be womanizing all over the country."

"Excuse me!" exclaimed the man, "I'm a happily married man, not a womanizer!"

"Well how do you explain all the condoms, then?" asked the interviewer.

The man replied, "Have you ever gone into a pharmacy, stammering and winking, and asked for a packet of aspirin?"

 

[Fr8monkey]

What happen to a song writer when he dies?


He de-composes.

 

[Jawz II]

Q. How do you know the mathematician you are talking to is extroverted?
A. He looks at YOUR shoes.

We are losers.

The joke I heard long time ago, but your line was funny as hell.

Did you hear about the constipated mathmatician?

He worked it out with a pencil.

Ive told that one a few times on OT, even got a warning for it once.

 

[pboily]

I tell it like it is.

 

[sysyphus]

My all time favourite.

A man flying in a hot air balloon realized he was lost.

Reducing altitude, he spotted a man on the ground and descended to shouting range..

"Excuse me," he shouted. "Can you help me? I promised my friend I would meet him a half hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The man below responded: "Yes. You are in a hot air balloon, hovering approximately 30 feet above this field. You are between 40 and 42 degrees North Latitude, and between 58 and 60 degrees West Longitude."

"You must be an engineer," responded the balloonist.

"I am," the man replied. "How did you know?"

"Well," said the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost."

Whereupon the man on the ground responded, "You must be a manager."

"That I am" replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," said the man, "You've risen to your current level thanks to alot of hot air, you don't know where you are, or where you're going. You have made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is, you are in the exact same position you were before we met, but now it is somehow my fault."

 

[Lord_Iggy]

Roflolmao!

 

[Perfection]

What happen to a song writer when he dies?


He de-composes.

And you know what happens when a mathematician dies?

He dis-integrates!

 

[ArneHD]

What's the definition of a gentleman?
Someone that can play the bagpipes, but doesn't.

 

[Mirc]

That's a very old but nice one! I used to tell this joke sometimes!

 

[nonconformist]

Why should a mathematician never go tot he pub?

It's dangerous to drink and derive.

 

[Bushface]

An engineer and a salesman go bear hunting. The first morning in their cabin, the engineer wakes up to find that the salesman has already gone out. A little later, the salesman runs back in at full speed, closely pursued by an angry bear. The salesman rushes out the back way, slams the door, runs round to the front and slams that door, leaving the engineer in the cabin with the bear. Then the salesman shouts through the window "You deal with that one - I'll go and find another !"

A man goes hunting and hires a rifle and a dog, whose name is Salesman. The dog is terrific at finding game, and the man has a marvellous season. Next year he returns and asks for the same gun and dog, but is told that the dog is now useless. On asking why, he is told "The next fellow after you last year said the dog was so good he ought to be promoted to Sales Manager - and now all he does is sit on his backside and bark !"

 

[Verbose]

Doctor joke to illustrate differences in attitude between specialisations, as told by medical doctors:

Two internal medicine specialists, two psychologists and two surgeons go duck hunting.
They spread out around the lake two by two with their guns and wait for the ducks.

A bunch of ducks pass in the air over the internal medicine men. Nothing gets fired. Afterwards they're asked how come: "We weren't entirely sure they were ducks" they reply.

The ducks then pass over the psychologists. Again no one fires. The reply as to why: "They were ducks, but... did they know they were ducks?"

And finally the ducks pass over the surgeons. BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! A few singed feathers is all that's left after that crazy mayhem. The surgeons: "Well, we figured they might have been ducks!"