Quick jokes to tell at work

barbslinger

barbslinger

Gun blast'n shot drinker
Joined
Oct 1, 2003
Messages
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Buying a round for grumpy old men
A drunk man walks into his house with a
duck under his arm. His wife is standing at the top of
the steps grimacing as he enters and he announces, "Hey, take a
look at the pig I have been sleeping with!"
The wife scowls and states," That's a duck you
drunken idiot."
He replies,"I was talking to the duck!"
 
Not really jokes here 'Slinger but I thought it related to the workplace.

These are actual quotes taken from Federal Government employee performance evaluations.

1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock-bottom and has started to dig."
2. "I would not allow this employee to breed."
3. "This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be."
4. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."
5. "When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet."
6. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."
7. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."
8. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."
9. "This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better."
10. "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together."
11. "A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."
12. "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."
14. "I would like to go hunting with him sometime."
15. "He's been working with glue too much."
16. "He would argue with a signpost."
17. "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."
18. "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."
19. "If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one."
20. "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."
21. "A prime candidate for natural de-selection."
22. "Donated his brain to science before he was done using it."
23. "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming."
24. "He's got two brains cells, one is lost and the other is out looking for it."
25. "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."
26. "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."
27. "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean."
28. "It's hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm."
29. "One neuron short of a synapse."
30. "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled."
31. "Takes him 2 hours to watch '60-minutes'."
32. "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead"
 
A man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15 years.
He breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed, the convict gets
on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife: "Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain...do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!"
His wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in
my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we
had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I
love you, too!"

************************************

Dear Abby:
My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning, and when I confront him, he denies everything. What's worse,
everyone knows he cheats on me. It is so humiliating. Also, since he lost his job three years ago, he hasn't even looked for a new one. All
he does is buy cigars and cruise around and bull**** with his pals, while I have to work to pay the bills. Since our daughter went away to college, he doesn't even pretend to like me and hints that I am a lesbian. What should I do?
Signed, Clueless

Dear Clueless:
Grow up and dump him. For Pete's sake, you don't need him anymore.
You're a United States senator from New York. Act like it!

************************************

This married couple was sitting in a fine restaurant when the wife
looks over at a nearby table and sees a man in a drunken stupor.
The husband asks "I notice you've been watching that man for some
time now.
Do you know him?"

"Yes" she replies, "He's my ex-husband, and has been drinking like
that since I left him seven years ago."
"That's remarkable" the husband replies, "I wouldn't think anybody
could celebrate that long."
 
:lol: I love the Dear Abby one, barbslinger :goodjob:!
The performance review ones are good too.
 
What is the definition of an accountant?
Someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand.

What is the definition of a good tax accountant?
Someone who has a loophole named after him.

When does a person decide to become an accountant?
When he realizes he doesn't have the charisma to succeed as an undertaker.

What is an actuary?
An accountant without a sense of humor.

Why do some accountants become actuaries?
They find bookkeeping too exciting.

What do actuaries do to liven up their office party?
They invite an accountant.

What's an insolvency practitioner?
Someone who arrives after the battle and bayonets all the wounded.

What is a shy and retiring accountant?
An accountant who is a million shy and that's why he's retiring.

How do you drive an accountant insane?
Tie him to a chair, stand in front of him, and fold a roadmap the wrong way.

Why did the auditor cross the road?
Because he looked in the file and that's what they did last year.

How do you tell if an accountant is an introvert or an extrovert?
An introvert looks at his shoes when he's talking to you. An extrovert looks at your shoes.

What is the difference betwen tax avoidance and tax evasion?
Prison.

There are three types of accountants in the world.
Those who can count and those who can't.

What's an accountant's idea of trashing his hotel room?
Refusing to fill out the guest comment card.

What is the most wicked thing a group of young accountants can do?
Go into town and gang-audit someone.
 
Why do brides always wear white?
Because it's important for the dishwasher to match the fridge and stove.
 
I got a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend of mine the other
>day.
>We lost track of time, chatting about the wild nights we used to enjoy
>together. I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd like to meet up
>and maybe rekindle a little of that magic.
>"Wow!", I said, "I don't know if I could keep pace with you now!
>I'm a bit older and a bit balder than when you last saw me!" She
>giggled and said she was sure I'd meet the challenge!
>"Yeah", I said, "just so long as you don't mind a man with a waistband
>that's a few inches wider these days!"
>She laughed and told me to stop being so silly! She teased me, saying
>that she thought tubby bald men were cute!
>"Anyway", "I've put on a couple of pounds myself!" she giggled...
>
>
>
>
>
>
>...so I told her to go away.

;) :D
Moderator Action: Language (removed) - warned
Please read the forum rules: http://forums.civfanatics.com/showthread.php?t=422889
 
YNCS said:
How do you tell if an accountant is an introvert or an extrovert?
An introvert looks at his shoes when he's talking to you. An extrovert looks at your shoes.
Click to expand...

We have that same one about mathematicians... pretty accurate if you ask me.
 
I am very disapointed: Saw this thread from the CFC index and thought it might be useful in a professional environment :rolleyes:

Here's a pathetic contribution though..

The bad news is, big companies like ours cannot compete with small adaptable ones. The good news is, at this rate, our company will be the smallest one around.
 
OK this one is a little corny (or hash browned ;) )...

Well, Girl Potato and Boy Potato had eyes for each other, and finally they got married, and had a little sweet potato, which they called 'Yam.'
Of course, they wanted the best for Yam. When it was time, they told her about the facts of life.

They warned her about going out and getting half-baked, so she wouldn't get accidentally mashed, and get a bad name for herself like

'Hot Potato,' and end up with a bunch of Tater Tots. Yam said not to worry, no Spud would get her into the sack and make a rotten potato out of her!

But on the other hand she wouldn't stay home and become a Couch Potato either. She would get plenty of exercise so as not to be skinny like her Shoestring cousins.

When she went off to Europe, Mr. and Mrs. Potato told Yam to watch out for the hard-boiled guys from Ireland. And the greasy guys from France called the French Fries.

Yam said she would stay on the straight and narrow and wouldn't associate with those high class Yukon Gold's, or the ones from the other side of the tracks who advertise their trade on all the trucks that say, 'Frito Lay.'

Mr. and Mrs. Potato sent Yam to Idaho P.U. (that's Potato University) so that when she graduated she'd really be in the Chips.

But in spite of all they did for her,one-day Yam came home and announced she was going to marry Tom Brokaw.

Tom Brokaw! Mr. and Mrs. Potato were very upset. They told Yam she couldn't possibly marry Tom Brokaw because he's just....

A COMMON TATER
 
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You can post short videos if the video is in a .gif format.
 
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