I culled these from Cecil Adam's "Straight Dope" message board, under a
"world's most intellectual jokes" thread.
-------------------------------
Rene Descartes walks into a bar, orders a beer, and drinks it at a gulp.
"Would you like another?" asks the bartender.
Descartes consideres the question. "I think not," he says, and disappears.
----------------------
Q: How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: A fish.
------------------------------
What did the Buddhist monk say to the hot dog vendor?
"Make me one with everything."
---
And the monk gets his hot dog and gives the vendor a $20 bill.
The vendor just puts it in his pocket, so the monk says, "Hey, where's my
change?"
The hot dog vendor says, "Change comes from within."
-------------------------
Q: Why did the chicken cross the Moebius strip?
A: To get to the same side!
--------------------------
Just imagine, for a moment, if there were no hypothetical
situations..................
----------------------------
What do you get when you cross a mosquito with a mountain climber?
Nothing. You can't cross a scalar and a vector.
------------------------
In a mid-size, mid-American city, with a mid-size planning department was a
zoning administrator who held his post for over 30 years. He had a peculiar
morning routine upon his arrival at the office; he would always sit down at
his desk, the stealthily look around the office to see if anyone was looking
(he never noticed, that the whole office did notice this everyday), then,
unlock his top center desk drawer, quickly glance at a 3"x5" card, quickly
put the card back in the drawer, and proceed with his daily tasks. This
morning ritual had gone on for as long as anyone in the office could
remember.
One day, unfortunately, the zoning czar dies. The whole office attends his
funeral, three days later, in the morning. Afterward, they all go out to
lunch together. Upon returning to the office, the staff is all standing by
his old desk, reminiscing about him and his career, when suddenly, they all
thought the same thing simultaneously! One planner said to another, "You get
a screwdriver. I'll get a hammer." So, they proceed to break into the guy's
desk, pull out the 3"x5" card, and then read it aloud to the group: "YELLOW
- Residential, RED - Commercial, BLUE - Manufacturing . . . ."
----------------------------------
An Indian chief had three wives, each of whom was pregnant. The first gave
birth to a boy. The chief was so elated he built her a teepee made of deer
hide. A few days later, the second gave birth, also to a boy. The chief was
very happy. He built her a teepee made of antelope hide. The third wife gave
birth a few days later, but the chief kept the details a secret. He built
this one a two-story teepee, made out of a hippopotamus hide. He challenged
the tribe to guess what had occurred. Many tried, unsuccessfully. Finally,
one young brave declared that the third wife had given birth to twin boys.
"Correct," said the chief. "How did you figure it out?" The warrior
answered, "It's elementary. The value of the squaw of the hippopotamus is
equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides."
------------------------------------
A businessman arriving in Boston for a convention found that his first
evening was free, and he decided to go find a good seafood restaurant that
served Scrod, a Massachusetts specialty. Getting into a taxi, he asked the
cab driver, "Do you know where a guy can get Scrod around here?" "Man," said
the cabdriver. "I've heard that question so many times, and asked in so many
different ways but I can tell you I've never heard someone use the past
pluperfect subjunctive!"
------------------------
3 statisticians are out bowhunting. They spot a deer. The first one shoots,
and his arrow lands 3 feet to the right of the deer. The second one shoots,
and his arrow lands 3 feet to the left of the deer. The third one says, "We
got him!"
--------------------------
Three mathematicians are riding on a train through England. They look out
the window and see a black sheep.
"Ah," says the first. "In England, some sheep are black."
"Untrue, my friend," retorts the second. "In England, at least one sheep is
black."
"My imprecise colleagues," says the third, "In England, there exists at
least one sheep that is black on at least one side."
----------------------------
An engineer, a physicist and a mathematician are challenged to build a pen
enclosing some sheep with the minimum amount of fencing.
The engineer builds a large circular pen and puts the sheep into it.
The physicist creates an infinately large pen, and then gradually decreases
it's circumference until the sheep are tightly enclosed.
The mathematician builds a tiny pen, just big enough for him to stand inside
and announces "I define myself to be on the outside of the pen!"
-----------------------------------
Not as high-brow, but stay with me here...
Q: What do you call an exotic dancer who can go down on herself?
A: A moebius stripper!
--------------------------------
How many Freudian therapists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two. One to screw in the bulb and one to hold the penis ... uh, I mean the
ladder!
-------------------------------
Q. What do I know about French philosophers?
A. Foucault.
------------------------------------
What did Ludwig von Beethoven do after he died?
He decomposed.
------------------------------
A rabbi, a priest, a cowboy, a duck, and a string walk into a bar. The
bartender looks up and says, "What is this, some kind of joke?"
----------------------------------
"world's most intellectual jokes" thread.
-------------------------------
Rene Descartes walks into a bar, orders a beer, and drinks it at a gulp.
"Would you like another?" asks the bartender.
Descartes consideres the question. "I think not," he says, and disappears.
----------------------
Q: How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: A fish.
------------------------------
What did the Buddhist monk say to the hot dog vendor?
"Make me one with everything."
---
And the monk gets his hot dog and gives the vendor a $20 bill.
The vendor just puts it in his pocket, so the monk says, "Hey, where's my
change?"
The hot dog vendor says, "Change comes from within."
-------------------------
Q: Why did the chicken cross the Moebius strip?
A: To get to the same side!
--------------------------
Just imagine, for a moment, if there were no hypothetical
situations..................
----------------------------
What do you get when you cross a mosquito with a mountain climber?
Nothing. You can't cross a scalar and a vector.
------------------------
In a mid-size, mid-American city, with a mid-size planning department was a
zoning administrator who held his post for over 30 years. He had a peculiar
morning routine upon his arrival at the office; he would always sit down at
his desk, the stealthily look around the office to see if anyone was looking
(he never noticed, that the whole office did notice this everyday), then,
unlock his top center desk drawer, quickly glance at a 3"x5" card, quickly
put the card back in the drawer, and proceed with his daily tasks. This
morning ritual had gone on for as long as anyone in the office could
remember.
One day, unfortunately, the zoning czar dies. The whole office attends his
funeral, three days later, in the morning. Afterward, they all go out to
lunch together. Upon returning to the office, the staff is all standing by
his old desk, reminiscing about him and his career, when suddenly, they all
thought the same thing simultaneously! One planner said to another, "You get
a screwdriver. I'll get a hammer." So, they proceed to break into the guy's
desk, pull out the 3"x5" card, and then read it aloud to the group: "YELLOW
- Residential, RED - Commercial, BLUE - Manufacturing . . . ."
----------------------------------
An Indian chief had three wives, each of whom was pregnant. The first gave
birth to a boy. The chief was so elated he built her a teepee made of deer
hide. A few days later, the second gave birth, also to a boy. The chief was
very happy. He built her a teepee made of antelope hide. The third wife gave
birth a few days later, but the chief kept the details a secret. He built
this one a two-story teepee, made out of a hippopotamus hide. He challenged
the tribe to guess what had occurred. Many tried, unsuccessfully. Finally,
one young brave declared that the third wife had given birth to twin boys.
"Correct," said the chief. "How did you figure it out?" The warrior
answered, "It's elementary. The value of the squaw of the hippopotamus is
equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides."
------------------------------------
A businessman arriving in Boston for a convention found that his first
evening was free, and he decided to go find a good seafood restaurant that
served Scrod, a Massachusetts specialty. Getting into a taxi, he asked the
cab driver, "Do you know where a guy can get Scrod around here?" "Man," said
the cabdriver. "I've heard that question so many times, and asked in so many
different ways but I can tell you I've never heard someone use the past
pluperfect subjunctive!"
------------------------
3 statisticians are out bowhunting. They spot a deer. The first one shoots,
and his arrow lands 3 feet to the right of the deer. The second one shoots,
and his arrow lands 3 feet to the left of the deer. The third one says, "We
got him!"
--------------------------
Three mathematicians are riding on a train through England. They look out
the window and see a black sheep.
"Ah," says the first. "In England, some sheep are black."
"Untrue, my friend," retorts the second. "In England, at least one sheep is
black."
"My imprecise colleagues," says the third, "In England, there exists at
least one sheep that is black on at least one side."
----------------------------
An engineer, a physicist and a mathematician are challenged to build a pen
enclosing some sheep with the minimum amount of fencing.
The engineer builds a large circular pen and puts the sheep into it.
The physicist creates an infinately large pen, and then gradually decreases
it's circumference until the sheep are tightly enclosed.
The mathematician builds a tiny pen, just big enough for him to stand inside
and announces "I define myself to be on the outside of the pen!"
-----------------------------------
Not as high-brow, but stay with me here...
Q: What do you call an exotic dancer who can go down on herself?
A: A moebius stripper!
--------------------------------
How many Freudian therapists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two. One to screw in the bulb and one to hold the penis ... uh, I mean the
ladder!
-------------------------------
Q. What do I know about French philosophers?
A. Foucault.
------------------------------------
What did Ludwig von Beethoven do after he died?
He decomposed.
------------------------------
A rabbi, a priest, a cowboy, a duck, and a string walk into a bar. The
bartender looks up and says, "What is this, some kind of joke?"
----------------------------------
I got most of those except the one about the zoning administrator, and the yellow card.
