Roll to Dodge: Ludicrous Edition

[Thorvald of Lym]

I nonchalantly carve out a path of dead bodies and wrecked vehicles back to the launchpad.

20 (11): Grabbing a nondescript blunt instrument, you bludgeon your way through the 4th, dealing 5 damage in the process.
ROLL TO DODGE!
10 (3): They do, however, shoot you in the back, inflicting 16 damage and worsening the bleeding by -2 hitpoints/turn.

But that's Uncle Christos...he was at my fifth birthday party. Wait a minute, I never had any birthday parties!

I fire my last Fat Man rocket at Christos!

5 (5): It detonates before it's even away.
ROLL TO DODGE!
7 (11): Through some sort of ancient Chinese talisman-based magic, you resist all damage.
ROLL TO DODGE!
8 (11): You fend off Christos as he tries to steal back the talisman.

I have someone in my army deploy a drone, and have me control it since I am the top gun, and shoot the missile down in transit

19: You acquire an ABM drone that provides a +4 bonus to intercepting strategic ballistic weapons, though it increases the Spirit Bomb's charge time 3 turns as you struggle to multitask.
ROLL TO DODGE!
5: "More gifts!" cries the Mad King as he launches another missile, "Our generosity is limitless!"

I perform a long distance traditional Saberist ritual to purify CivCube from Fourist corruption.

11: You knock 1% off the corruption rate.

The Mike Pence bombards Kyrgyzstan.
ROLL TO DODGE!
2 (6): Again flying too low, Soviet SAMs get a lock, damaging shields -6% and armour -5%.

The Eternal Kingdom launches a full-scale assault on India in a bid to steal the spaceship.
ROLL TO DODGE!
1 (3): Drawing the over-eager invaders into encirclement, the Indians destroy the salient, boosting Defence +2. The American cell continues the advance in Cuba.
ROLL TO DODGE!
10 (7): Socialized medicine enables the defenders to keep up a steady cycle of frontline troops, stalling the advance. The South African cell tries to flank South Africa by invading Botswana.
ROLL TO DODGE!
13 (13): The hordes seize the North-East District. The Somalis pick up the slack in Tanzania.
ROLL TO DODGE!
14 (18): The hordes annex the coast and seize Dodoma, crippling national Defence -2.

CivGeneral is declared AWOL.

​

 

[CivCube]

I pump bullets into Christos like a showerhead that hates God.

11: You knock 1% off the corruption rate.

Woo!

 

[JohannaK]

I recover HP from eating the raw hearts of my fallen enemies, striking fear into those of the onlookers.

 

[Omega124]

I continue to shoot down the missiles, while humming danger zone

 

[NinjaCow64]

I use the Uber - Superfast Helecopter Edition app on my phone to get me superfast transportation to South Africa. While the phone might be out of minutes, the secret base has surprisingly good Wi-Fi and the password is simply "password".

 

[Thorvald of Lym]

I pump bullets into Christos like a showerhead that hates God.

5 (7): But Christos is your ally..! You shouldn't be fighting him..!
ROLL TO DODGE!
7 (6): The Premier does not share such camaraderie, however, dealing 15 damage.
As the corruption spreads, you debate whether you've been batting for the wrong team this whole time... -2 v. the Gang of Four.

I recover HP from eating the raw hearts of my fallen enemies, striking fear into those of the onlookers.

15 (8): You restore 20 hitpoints, but your cannibalism only serves to strengthen Monarchist resolve.
ROLL TO DODGE!
14 (7): You take -7 hitpoints' worth of bullets.

I continue to shoot down the missiles, while humming danger zone

20 (20): You also manage to draw a middle finger in the EKNC's direction with the contrails. This manages to convince King George that nuking you into oblivion won't work, and he arrives to deal with you in person.

All at once, the frontline forces cease fire and step away. A break in the ranks is soon filled by the ominous silhouette of the Mad King, striding forth with chest held high. You're nearly blinded by the reflection off his bald head. "You know how you teach a dog to fetch?" he sneers, twirling his overwaxed moustache. "The master says 'fetch', and the witch obeys."

"That's funny," you retort, paying no heed as to whether you've even seen the new xXx film, "There's no frisbee in your mouth."

The sneer evaporates in an instant, replaced with the frenzied glaze of a man in the most violent throes of insanity. "BAW—CAAAAAAK!" he screams, lunging at you with an antique sabre.

You are facing George I of China, Patron Saint of Omnicide!
ROLL FOR INITIATIVE!
Omega24: 12 (15)
King George: 19 (27)
Rhinoceros: 6 (9)
Hyena: 16 (19)
The Master: 14
HyenaGeneral: 8 (12)
Enchanter: 15
Bluecapes: 4 (10)
Namibian Expeditionary Army: 11 (20)

King George strikes at you full-force!
ROLL TO DODGE!
18 (20): He delivers a staggering blow that inflicts 14 damage and stuns you for 5 turns, impeding all actions -3! He then goes Rhinoceros hunting.
ROLL TO DODGE!
14 (18): He inflicts a bleeding wound worth 16 immediate damage and ongoing -2 hitpoints/turn. George's next act is to combat the Master.
ROLL TO DODGE!
1 (7): Dodging the King's clumsy attack, the Master deals 5 damage during the recovery. George tries to redeem himself with a strike against the Bluecapes.
ROLL TO DODGE!
20 (20): A murderous blitz nearly routs them from the field, impeding their combat -3 for the next five turns! For his final act, the Mad King assaults the HyenaGeneral.
ROLL TO DODGE!
15 (19): Going at the hyena like a rabid dog, the King inflicts 19 damage.

The Namibian Expedition immediately commences a retaliatory assault.
ROLL TO DODGE!
6 (2): Divided and picked apart, the army beats a hasty retreat, suffering -2 to combat rolls for the next 6 turns.

The hyena makes its own counterstrike.
ROLL TO DODGE!
14 (6): It's beaten back after suffering 12 damage.

Omega's up to bat.
ROLL TO AGGRESS!
18 (6): Your stubborn Socialist conviction is no match for his patriarchal oppression, and you take 10 damage before finally backing off.

The Enchanter decides to have a go.
ROLL TO DODGE!
17 (10): He's punched in the face, breaking his concentration and fizzling the spell.

The Master concocts a scheme to thwart the Mad King.
ROLL TO DODGE!
9 (2): Unfortunately it relies on the adversary being at least passably logical, and the plan implodes along with 18 hitpoints.

The HyenaGeneral takes charge of the situation.
ROLL TO DODGE!
17 (10): Try as it might, it's unable to pierce George's defence and land a blow.

The Bluecapes step in where the expedition failed.
ROLL TO DODGE!
15 (8): They are forced to regroup as Monarchist soldiers secure the King's flank.

The Rhinoceros takes a charge at George.
ROLL TO DODGE!
10 (6): The Mad King makes a comment about ivory sales as he slices the rhino for 6 damage.

I use the Uber - Superfast Helecopter Edition app on my phone to get me superfast transportation to South Africa. While the phone might be out of minutes, the secret base has surprisingly good Wi-Fi and the password is simply "password".

12: You hail an UberChopper to vacate the EKNC.

The Mike Pence makes a pass over Somaliland.
ROLL TO DODGE!
16 (20): The besieged resistance is enfeebled -3 Defence.

The EKNC once again tries to inhale Nepal.
ROLL TO DODGE!
17 (20): The country falls to the hordes, eroding the Indian front -2 Defence.
Nepal has been defeated by the EKNC!
The American invaders continue the drive through Canada in a bid to encircle the Namibian expedition.
ROLL TO DODGE!
4 (11): Manitoba falls to the terrorists. The South African cell renews the push on Zimbabwe.
ROLL TO DODGE!
8 (8): With nothing to lose but their lives (Robbie having taken everything else), the citizens hold firm. The Somali cell tries to finish off Somaliland ONES AND FOR ALL
ROLL TO DODGE!
7 (8): They still got it..!

​

 

[NinjaCow64]

As I wait for the UberChopper, I perform another Saberist purifying ritual, this time with the aim of removing the corruption per turn modifier on CivCube.

 

[JohannaK]

Hey, this whole raw heart eating deal is cool.

 

[Omega124]

I laugh at the face of George.

"Is that all you got?"

 

[CivCube]

I set my outer chassis to auto turret.

I go within myself to fight my corrupted double in a virtual world.

 

[GenMarshall]

I decimate the unit that's engaging me by utilizing the powers of the Anointed Shield and the
Heavenly Sword.

(Once again, Alert has failed me once again and did not notify me that there was an update with this thread for the past few days! I'm just going to have this thread be in my tab from now on since I no longer trust the Alert Feature)

 

[Thorvald of Lym]

As I wait for the UberChopper, I perform another Saberist purifying ritual, this time with the aim of removing the corruption per turn modifier on CivCube.

19: You obliterate the virus while reducing extant corruption 5%, lowering CivCube's combat penalty by 1.

Hey, this whole raw heart eating deal is cool.

18 (13): Yeah alright, I'll grant you that in the same circumstances there's a fifty-fifty chance Monarchist troopers would do the same thing. You stop the bleeding and erode the 4th's morale -1 as they wonder whether you were secretly on their side the whole time.
ROLL TO DODGE!
8 (1): You take 18 damage and the wounds reopen.

I laugh at the face of George.

"Is that all you got?"

20 (19): You whip him into a five-turn frenzy, during which at least three of his attacks will be directed against you. This tunnel vision means all other opponents gain a +3 attack bonus against him.
ROLL TO DODGE!
3 (11): George nicks you for 7 damage. He attacks you again!
ROLL TO DODGE!
16 (20): A vicious flurry scores a staggering 23 damage! He attacks you again!
ROLL TO DODGE!
5 (13): More slicing and dicing delivers open wounds that will bleed out at -1 hitpoint/turn. He attacks you again!
ROLL TO DODGE!
5 (15): Switching to his pistol, he shoots you for 13 damage. Then he turns on the Hyena.
ROLL TO DODGE!
17 (20): He shoots it for 13 damage, weakening its defence -1.

The Namibian regulars try to relieve Omega.
ROLL TO DODGE!
4 (1): The ill-conceived offensive is thwarted by Monarchist reinforcements, and the unit will be unable to attack for the next four turns!

The Hyena seeks to avenge itself.
ROLL TO DODGE!
15 (10): George keeps swinging his blade and it's unable to score a hit.

The Enchanter attempts to further hamper the Mad King's fighting ability.
ROLL TO DODGE!
11 (7): Wild shots send him scurrying to patch up the 7 damage.

The Master employs a conspiracy to undermine the Mad King's power.
ROLL TO DODGE!
1 (1): The scheme backfires spectacularly, and he suffers 20 damage.

The HyenaGeneral draws its gun to strike George at range.
ROLL TO DODGE!
13 (11): A well-placed shot deals 13 damage.

The Bluecapes step in where the army has failed.
ROLL TO DODGE!
8 (1): They, too, are held off by Monarchist forces, and will be unable to attack for three turns.

The Rhinoceros charges King George.
ROLL TO DODGE!
18 (17): He's trampled underfoot for 26 damage and stunned for the next 3 turns, impeding all actions -2!

I set my outer chassis to auto turret.

I go within myself to fight my corrupted double in a virtual world.

*roll* You prioritize automating your defence this turn. *roll*
8 (12): You enact a set of automated subroutines that will boost your defence rolls +1 when no other action is specified.
ROLL TO DODGE!
7 (8): Christos is unable to score a meaningful hit.

I decimate the unit that's engaging me by utilizing the powers of the Anointed Shield and the
Heavenly Sword.

(Once again, Alert has failed me once again and did not notify me that there was an update with this thread for the past few days! I'm just going to have this thread be in my tab from now on since I no longer trust the Alert Feature)

(/inb4 CG Force-chokes CivFanatics )

12 (12): Deciding it's time to live up to your family name and face FULL-LIFE CONSEQUENCES, you charge headlong into the 33rd, inflicting 12 damage.
ROLL TO DODGE!
20 (20): Imbued with vengeful fury, you to go town on the approaching soldiers, delivering a further 32 damage and scattering the unit, impeding its combat actions -2!

The Mike Pence sets its sights on Mozambique.
ROLL TO DODGE!
8 (12): Ruthless bombardment of forward positions gives frontline forces a +1 bonus to this round's Attack.

The Eternal Kingdom doubles down on India before JohannaK can recover his wits.
ROLL TO DODGE!
3 (5): The line holds, buying time to rebuild 1 Defence. The conquest of Mozambique follows.
ROLL TO DODGE!
2 (1): The offensive collapses catastrophically, allowing all frontline countries to fortify +3 as the South African command struggles to recover. Over in America, the terrorists move to finish off Alaska.
ROLL TO DODGE!
19 (20): The invaders seize the whole Alaskan archipelago, including all the dinky islands along the Bering Strait. Russia and the Yukon lose 2 Defence as the EKNC gains flanking positions. The Somali cell manoeuvres to finish off Kenya.
ROLL TO DODGE!
11 (18): The embattled defenders opt for a last stand in the Western Province.

​

 

[JohannaK]

The Indians have my back. That's why I get treated on the Space Odyssey as we take off.

 

[Omega124]

I use my divine magic to heal myself up.

I'm trying to tNk for you guys, NPCs. Least you can do is roll better. >:c

 

[NinjaCow64]

"This is big sky, its time to go." I get onto the helicopter.

 

[GenMarshall]

I commandeer one of the 33rd's armored vehicles, taking advantage on their scattered status and slicing and bashing those who get in my way with my heavenly sword and shield.

 

[CivCube]

I journey within myself, into a virtual world with Tron graphics! I look for the corrupted version of myself.

 

[Thorvald of Lym]

The Indians have my back. That's why I get treated on the Space Odyssey as we take off.

10 (7): You're unable to break out of encirclement.
ROLL TO DODGE!
12 (5): You're shot up some more for 12 damage.

I use my divine magic to heal myself up.

17 (14): You restore 45 hitpoints and stop the bleeding.
ROLL TO DODGE!
9 (17): George blasts 17 hitpoints out of you. He attacks you again!
ROLL TO DODGE!
2 (8): He draws in with his sabre, but you're able to repel the attack. He attacks you again!
ROLL TO DODGE!
7 (15): Another bullet deals 13 damage. George turns on the Enchanter.
ROLL TO DODGE!
20 (20): A double-tap to the chest deals 21 damage and a bleed rate of -3 hitpoints/turn. The Mad King counter-charges the Rhinoceros.
ROLL TO DODGE!
14 (16): He carves another 17 hitpoints.

The Namibian regulars struggle to recuperate.

The Hyena leaps at the Mad King.
ROLL TO DODGE!
13 (12): It leaves a nasty bite on his arm worth 10 damage.

The Enchanter tries to patch everyone up.
ROLL TO DODGE!
11: All allied combatants receive 10 hitpoints and have open wounds stabilized.

The Master hacks into the royal slush fund.
ROLL TO DODGE!
11: He loots $50 000 from the treasury.

The HyenaGeneral aims for George's decorations.
ROLL TO DODGE!
17 (18): Carefully-placed shots blast the vanity medals clear off his chest, and with it, their combat bonus.

The Bluecapes try to regroup.

The Rhinoceros makes another pass at the Mad King.
ROLL TO DODGE!
12 (11): George loses another 16 hitpoints.

"This is big sky, its time to go." I get onto the helicopter.

4: "NOT SO FAST MR. FREECHMAN BOVINE!" shouts the 17th Division as it races toward your location.
ROLL TO DODGE!
16 (13): Zig-zagging like a zebra, you dodge the incoming tank fire.

I commandeer one of the 33rd's armored vehicles, taking advantage on their scattered status and slicing and bashing those who get in my way with my heavenly sword and shield.

5 (5): APCs can move a heck of a lot faster than you, goading you into a trap that snatches 10 hitpoints in the crossfire.
ROLL TO DODGE!
11 (14): Cowering behind the shield, you avoid further damage.

I journey within myself, into a virtual world with Tron graphics! I look for the corrupted version of myself.

11 (12): It's Evil Agent CivCube from Avatar Strike Central, getting revenge for your DYOS hiatus! Fortunately he's only 35% of your total strength, so it should be easy to subdue him.
ROLL TO DODGE!
6 (6): Christos' attempt to steal back the talisman is a failure as you deliver unto him 18 damage.

The Mike Pence blasts the Bahamas.
ROLL TO DODGE!
3 (7): Incredibly, all shots miss their mark.

The EKNC floods into the rest of continental China.
ROLL TO DODGE!
2 (8): Or at least it tries to, as Taiwanese intervention helps the Mainlanders hold the line. The South African marauders launch a fresh offensive against the Seychelles.
ROLL TO DODGE!
16 (16): The island nation falls to Monarchist colonialism.
Seychelles has been defeated by the EKNC!
The American turncoats continue the subjugation of Mexico.
ROLL TO DODGE!
10 (11): Colima falls to the terrorists. The Somali cell launches a new invasion of Yemen.
ROLL TO DODGE!
17 (18): Much of the interior falls, eroding national Defence -1.

The Eternal Kingdom has readied TWO nukes!!

​

 

[CivCube]

11 (12): It's Evil Agent CivCube from Avatar Strike Central, getting revenge for your DYOS hiatus! Fortunately he's only 35% of your total strength, so it should be easy to subdue him.

Spoiler :

I go to battle with that piece of pixel!

 

[Omega124]

I continue to use my magic to heal me at a rate faster than he can attack me