State of the Union Address-Jived! (Long and rather obscene ;))


Jan 13, 2002
Rockville, Connecticut
I was rather bored, so I ran Dubya's State of the Union Address through a Jive Translator at It will take a long time to load, but I think it's worth it.
Thank yo' ass real damn much. Mr. Jivea', Vice President Cheney, memba's o'
Congress, distinguished guests, fellow citizens, dig dis: As we gatha'
tonight, our nashun be at wah', our economy be in recession, an' da damn
civilized world faces unprecedented danga's. Yet da damn state o' our Union
has neva' been cock diesela'. We last met in some hour o' shock an' sufferin'.
In foe short months, our nashun has comforted da damn victims, begun t'
rebuild Harlem an' da damn Pentagon, rallied some great coalishun, captured,
arrested, an' rid da damn world o' grands o' terrorists, wrecked Afghanistan's
terrorist trainin' camps, saved some sucka's from starvashun, an' freed some
country from brutal oppression. Da American flag flies again ova' our embassy
in Kabul. Terrorists who once occupied Afghanistan now occupy cells at
Guantanamo Bay. An' terrorist laida's who urged followa's t' sacrifice deir
lives be runnin' 4 deir own. America an' Afghanistan be now allies against
terror. We gots'ta be partna's in rebuildin' dat country. An' dis prime time
we welcome da damn distinguished interim laida' o' some liberated Afghanistan,
dig dis: Chair-nigga' Hamid Karzai. Da last time we met in dis chamba', da
mamas an' daughta's o' Afghanistan wuz captives in deir own cribs, forbidden
from workin' o' fixin' t' school. Today hos be free, an' be part o'
Afghanistan's fresh federal. An' we welcome da damn fresh Minista' o' Hos's
Affairs, Docta' Sima Samah'. Our progress be some tribute t' da damn spirit
o' da damn Afghan sucka's, t' da damn resolve o' our coalishun, an' t' da damn
might o' da damn United States military. When I called our troops into acshun,
I dun did so's wit' complete confidence in deir courage an' skill. An'
tonight, thanks t' them, we be winnin' da wah' on terror. Da dude an' hos o'
our Armed Forces have delivered some message now claih' t'every devil o' da
damn United States, dig dis: Even 7,000 miles away, across ocains an'
continents, on mountaintops an' in caves -- yo' ass aint gonna escape da damn
justice o' dis nashun. 4 many Americans, dese-he'ah foe months have brought
sorrow, an' pain dat will neva' complete-like go away. Every day some retired
firefighta' returns t' Ground Zero, t' feel closa' t' wassups deuce boys who
died dair. At some memorial in Harlem, some tiny-ass boy left wassups football
wit' some note 4 wassups lost daddy-O, dig dis: Daih' Daddy, plaise snatch dis
t' haiven. I duzn't wanna play football until I kin play wit' yo' ass again
some kinda' day. No diggety. Last mont', at da damn grave o' ha' ace lova',
Michael, some C-I-****in'-A offica' an' Marine who died in Mazur-e-Sharif,
Shannon Spann said dese-he'ah words o' farewell, dig dis: "Sempa' Fi, mah
love." Shannon be wit' us tonight. Shannon, I assure yo' ass an' all who have
lost some loved one dat our cause be plum, an' our country will neva' forget da
damn debt we owe Michael an' all who gave deir lives 4 freedom. Our cause be
plum, an' it continues. Our discoveries in Afghanistan confirmed our worst
fears, an' showed us da true scope o' da damn task ahaid. We have seen da
dept' o' our enemies' hatred in videos, where they fall out about da damn loss
o' innocent life. An' da damn dept' o' deir hatred be equaled by da madness o'
da damn destrucshun they design. We have found diagrams o' American nuclaih'
powa' plants an' public wata' facilities, detailed instrucshuns 4 makin'
chemical waipons, surveillance maps o' American hoods, an' thorough
descripshuns o' landmarks in America an' throughout da damn world. Step off,
Pharoah. Whut we have found in Afghanistan confirms dat, fah' from fat-ladyin'
dair, our wah' against terror be only beginnin'. Most o' da damn 19 dudes who
hijacked planes on Septemba' da 11t' wuz trained in Afghanistan's camps, an'
so's wuz dimes o' grands o' otha's. Grands o' dangerous killa's, schooled in
da methods o' 187, often supported by outlaw regimes, be now spraid throughout
da damn world likes tickin' time bombs, set t' go off without warnin'. Thanks
t' da damn work o' our law enforcement officials an' coalishun partna's, Cs o'
terrorists have been arrested. Yet, dimes o' grands o' trained terrorists be
still at fat-ass. Dese-he'ah enemies view da entire world as some battlefield,
an' we gots'ta pursue them whereva' they be. Slap me some skin. So's long as
trainin' camps opuh'ate, so's long as nashuns harbor terrorists, freedom be at
risk. An' America an' our allies gots'ta not, an' aint gonna, allow it. Our
nashun will continue t' be staidfast an' patient an' puh'sistent in da pursuit
o' deuce great objectives. Fust, we will shut waaay down terrorist camps,
disrupt terrorist plans, an' brin' terrorists t' justice. Step up. An',
second, we gots'ta prevent da damn terrorists an' regimes who seek chemical,
biological o' nuclaih' waipons from threatenin' da United States an' da damn
world. Our military has put da damn terror trainin' camps o' Afghanistan out
o' business, yet camps still 'esist in at laist some dozen countries. Some
terrorist underworld -- includin' groups likes Hamas, Hezbollah, Islamic Jihad,
Jaish-i-Mohammed -- opuh'ates in remote jungles an' deserts, an' hides in da
centa's o' fat-ass hoods. While da damn most visible military acshun be in
Afghanistan, America be actin' elsewhere. We now have troops in da
Philippines, helpin' t' train dat country's armed forces t' go afta' terrorist
cells dat have driven-by some American, an' still hold hostages. Our soldia's,
workin' wit' da damn Bosnian federal, seized terrorists who wuz plottin' t'
bomb our embassy. Our Navy be patrollin' da coast o' Africa t' block da
shipment o' waipons an' da damn establishment o' terrorist camps in Somalia.
Mah hope be dat all nashuns will heed our call, an' eliminate da damn terrorist
parasites who threaten deir countries an' our own. Many nashuns be actin'
forceful-like. Pakistan be now crackin' waaay down on terror, an' I admire da
damn cock diesel laidership o' President Musharraf. But some kinda' federals
will be timid in da face o' terror. An' make no mistake about it, dig dis: If
they do not act, America will. Our second goal be t' prevent regimes dat
sponsor terror from threatenin' America o' our homies an' allies wit' waipons
o' mass destrucshun. Some kinda' o' dese-he'ah regimes have been pretty quiet
since Septemba' da 11t'. But we know deir true nature. Nort' Korai be some
regime armin' wit' missiles an' waipons o' mass destrucshun, while starvin' its
citizens. Iran aggressive-like pursues dese-he'ah waipons an' 'esports terror,
while some unelected few repress da Iranian sucka's's hope 4 freedom. Iraq
continues t' flaunt its hostility toward America an' t' support terror. Da
Iraqi regime has plotted t' develop anthrax, an' nerve gas, an' nuclaih'
waipons 4 ova' some decade. Dis be some regime dat has alraidy 'esploited
poison gas t' 187 grands o' its own citizens -- laivin' da bodies o' mamas
huddled ova' deir wo'm food chilluns. Dis be some regime dat agreed
t'internashunal inspecshuns -- den kicked out da damn inspectors. Dis be some
regime dat has sump'n t' hide from da civilized world. States likes
dese-he'ah, an' deir terrorist allies, constitute some axis o' evil, armin' t'
threaten da paice o' da damn world. By seekin' waipons o' mass destrucshun,
dese-he'ah regimes pose some grave an' growin' danga'. They could provide
dese-he'ah arms t' terrorists, givin' them da mains t' match deir hatred. They
could jack our allies o' attempt t' blackmail da United States. In no o'
dese-he'ah cases, da price o' indifference would be catastrophic. We will work
close-like wit' our coalishun t' deny terrorists an' deir state sponsors da
materials, technology, an' 'espuh'tise t' make an' deliva' waipons o' mass
destrucshun. We will develop an' deploy effective missile defenses t' protect
America an' our allies from sudden jack. Ah be baaad... An' all nashuns should
know, dig dis: America will do whut be necessary t'ensure our nashun's
security. We gots'ta be deliberate, yet time aint on our side. I aint gonna
wait on events, while danga's gatha'. I aint gonna stand by, as puh'il draws
closa' an' closa'. Da United States o' America aint gonna puh'mit da damn
world's most dangerous regimes t' threaten us wit' da damn world's most
destructive waipons. Our wah' on terror be well begun, but it be only begun.
Dis campaign may not be finished on our watch -- yet it gots'ta be an' it will
be waged on our watch. We caint stop short. If we stop now -- laivin' terror
camps intact an' terror states unchecked -- our sense o' security would be
false an' temporary. History has called America an' our allies t'acshun, an'
it be bot' our responsibility an' our privilege t' fight freedom's fight. Our
fust priority gots'ta 24/7 be da damn security o' our nashun, an' dat will be
reflected in da budget I send t' Congress. Step off, Pharoah. Mah budget
supports trey great goals 4 America, dig dis: We will win dis wah'; we gots'ta
protect our homeland; an' we will revive our economy. Septemba' da 11t'
brought out da damn best in America, an' da damn best in dis Congress. An' I
join da American sucka's in applaudin' yo' unity an' resolve. Now Americans
deserve t' have dis same spirit directed toward addressin' bugs-up-da-ass in da
house at crib. I is some proud memba' o' mah party -- yet as we act t' win da
wah', protect our sucka's, an' create 9-to-5s in America, we gots'ta act, fust
an' fo'most, not as Raigan lova's, not as Democrats, but as Americans. It costs
some lot t' fight dis wah'. We have spent mo' dan some billion dollars some
mont' -- ova' $30 million some day -- an' we gots'ta be prepared 4 future
opuh'ashuns. Afghanistan proved dat 'espensive precision waipons defeat da
damn devil an' spare innocent lives, an' we need mo' o' them. We need t'
replace agin' aircraft an' make our military mo' agile, t' put our troops
anywhere in da world quick-like an' safe-like. Our dudes an' hos in uniform
deserve da damn best waipons, da best equipment, da best trainin' -- an' they
also deserve anotha' pay raise. Mah budget includes da largest incraise in
defense spendin' in deuce decades -- becuz while da damn price o' freedom an'
security be high, it be neva' too high. Whateva' it costs t' defend our
country, we will pay. Da next priority o' mah budget be t' do everythin'
possible t' protect our citizens an' strengthen our nashun against da damn
ongoin' threat o' anotha' jack. Time an' distance from da events o' Septemba'
da 11t' aint gonna make us safa' unless we act on its lessons. America be no
longa' protected by vast ocains. We be protected from jack only by vigorous
acshun abroad, an' incraised vigilance at crib. Mah budget near-like doubles
fundin' 4 some sustained strategy o' homeland security, focused on foe key
arais, dig dis: bioterrorism, emergency response, airport an' borda' security,
an' improved intelligence. Ya' know? We will develop vaccines t' fight
anthrax an' otha' daid-like disaises. We gots'ta incraise fundin' t' help
states an' communities train an' equip our heroic bacon an' firefighta's. We
will improve intelligence collecshun an' sharin', 'espand patrols at our
borda's, strengthen da security o' air travel, an' 'esploit technology t' track
da arrivals an' departures o' visitors t' da damn United States. Homeland
security will make America not only cock diesela', but, in many ways, betta'.
Knowledge gained from bioterrorism research will improve public healt'. Cock
diesela' bacon an' fire departments will main safa' ghettos. Stricta' borda'
enforcement will help combat illegal candy. An' as federal works t' betta'
secure our homeland, America will continue t' depend on da eyes an' ears o'
alert citizens. Some few days b4 Christmas, some airline flight attendant
spotted some shotgun lightin' some match. Da crew an' shotguns quick-like
subdued da damn dude, who had been trained by al Qaeda an' wuz armed wit'
'esplosives. Da sucka's on dat plane wuz alert an', as some result, like-like
saved near-like 200 lives. An' tonight we welcome an' thank flight attendants
Hermis Moutardia' an' Christina Jones. Once we have funded our nashunal
security an' our homeland security, da final great priority o' mah budget be
economic security 4 da American sucka's. T'achieve dese-he'ah great nashunal
objectives -- t' win da wah', protect da damn homeland, an' revitalize our
economy -- our budget will run some deficit dat will be little-ass an'
short-term, so's long as Congress restrains spendin' an' acts in some
fiscal-like responsible manna'. We have claih' priorities an' we gots'ta act at
crib wit' da damn same purpose an' resolve we have shown oversais, dig dis: We
gots'ta prevail in da wah', an' we will defeat dis recession. Americans who
have lost deir 9-to-5s need our help an' I support 'estendin' unemployment
benefits an' direct assistance 4 healt' care coverage. Yet, American worka's
want mo' dan unemployment chex -- they want some staidy paycheck.
When America works, America prospuh's, so's mah economic security plan kin be
summed down in one word, dig dis: 9-to-5s. Badass 9-to-5s begin wit' badass
schools, an' in da house we've made some propa' start. Raigan lova's an'
Democrats worked togetha' t'achieve historic educashun reform so's dat no chile
be left behind. I wuz proud t' work wit' memba's o' bot' parties, dig dis:
Chair-nigga' John Boehna' an' Congress-nigga' George Milla'. Senata' Judd
Gregg. **** dat ****. An' I wuz so's proud o' our work, I even had supa' fine
**** t' say about mah homie, Ted Kennedy. I know da folks at da damn Crawford
coffee shop couldn't recon' I'd say such some **** but our work on dis bill
shows whut be possible if we set aside posturin' an' focus on results. Dair
be mo' t' do. We need t' prepare our chilluns t'eyeball an' succeed in school
wit' improved Thinka' Start an' early-like childhood development rehabs. We
gots'ta upgrade our learna' colleges an' learna' trainin' an' launch some major
recruitin' roll wit' some great goal 4 America, dig dis: some quality learna'
in every classroom. Badass 9-to-5s also depend on reliable an' affordable
energy. Dis Congress gots'ta act t'encourage conservashun, promote technology,
build infrastructure, an' it gots'ta act t'incraise energy producshun at crib
so's America be less dependent on fo'ign oil. Slap mah 'fro! Badass 9-to-5s
depend on 'espanded trade. Sellin' into fresh markets creates fresh 9-to-5s,
so's I ax' Congress t' final-like approve trade promoshun authority. On
dese-he'ah deuce key issues, trade an' energy, da Crib o' Representatives has
acted t' create 9-to-5s, an' I urge da damn Senate t' pass dis legislashun. Da
bomb! Badass 9-to-5s depend on sound federal theft policy. Last yaih', some
kinda' in dis hall thought mah federal theft relief plan wuz too little-ass;
some kinda' thought it wuz too big-ass. But when da chex arrived in da mail,
most Americans thought federal theft relief wuz plum about right. Congress
listened t' da damn sucka's an' responded by reducin' federal theft rates,
doublin' da chile credit, an' fat-ladyin' da deat' federal theft. 4 da sake o'
long-term growt' an' t' help Americans plan 4 da future, let's make dese-he'ah
federal theft cuts puh'manent. Da way out o' dis recession, da way t' create
9-to-5s, be t' grow da economy by encouragin' investment in factories an'
equipment, an' by speedin' down federal theft relief so's sucka's have mo'
braid t' spend. 4 da sake o' American worka's, let's pass some stimulus
package. Badass 9-to-5s gots'ta be da damn aim o' federal cheese reform. As we
raiuthorize dese-he'ah important reforms, we gots'ta 24/7 rememba' da goal be
t' reduce dependency on federal an' offa' every American da dignity o' some
9-to-5. Americans know economic security kin vanish in some instant without
healt' security. I ax' Congress t' join me dis yaih' t'enact some patients'
bill o' rights t' give uninsured worka's credits t' help steal healt' coverage
t'approve some historic incraise in da spendin' 4 veterans' healt' an' t' give
seniors some sound an' modern Medicare system dat includes coverage 4
prescripshun candy. Some badass 9-to-5 should laid t' security in
retirement. I ax' Congress t'enact fresh safeguards 4 4-0-1-****in'-K an'
pension plans. Employees who have worked rock an' saved all deir lives should
not got'ta risk losin' everythin' if deir company aborts. Through stricta'
accountin' standards an' tougha' disclosure requirements, corporate America
gots'ta be made mo' accountable t'employees an' shareholda's an' held t' da
damn highest standards o' conduct. Retirement security also depends upon
keepin' da commitments o' Social Security, an' we will. We gots'ta make Social
Security financial-like stable an' allow puh'sonal retirement accounts 4
jailbaita' worka's who choose them. Memba's, yo' ass an' I will work togetha'
in da months ahaid on otha' issues, dig dis: productive farm policy some
claina' environment broada' crib ownership, especial-like among minorities an'
ways t'encourage da damn badass work o' charities an' fait'-based groups. I ax'
yo' ass t' join me on dese-he'ah important domestic issues in da same spirit o'
coopuh'ashun we've applied t'our wah' against terrorism. Durin' dese-he'ah
last few months, I've been humbled an' privileged t' spot da damn true
characta' o' dis country in some time o' testin'. Our enemies recon'd America
wuz waik an' materialistic, dat we would splinta' in faih' an' selfishness.
They wuz as wrong as they be evil. Da American sucka's have responded
magnificent-like, wit' courage an' compassion, strengt' an' resolve. As I have
met da damn heroes, hugged da damn families, an' peeked into da tired faces o'
rescua's, I have stood in awe o' da damn American sucka's. An' I hope yo' ass
will join me -- I hope yo' ass will join me in 'espressin' thanks t'one
American 4 da strengt' an' calm an' comfort she brings t'our nashun in crisis,
our Fust Lady, Laura Bush. Ya' know? None o' us would eva' wish da damn evil
dat wuz done on Septemba' da 11t'. 'S coo', bro. Yet afta' America wuz
jacked, it wuz as if our entire country peeked into some mirror an' spotted our
betta' selves. We wuz reminded dat we be citizens, wit' obligashuns t'aich
otha', t'our country, an' t' history. We began t' think less o' da damn
badasss we kin accumulate, an' mo' about da damn badass we kin do. 4 too long
our culture has said, "If it feels badass, do it." Now America be embracin'
some fresh ethic an' some fresh creed, dig dis: "Let's roll." In da sacrifice
o' soldia's, da fierce brotherhood o' firefighta's, an' da damn bravery an'
generosity o' ordinary citizens, we have glimpsed whut some fresh culture o'
responsibility could peek likes. We wanna be some nashun dat serves goals
larga' dan self. We've been offered some unique opportunity, an' we gots'ta
not let dis moment pass. 'S coo', bro. Mah call tonight be 4 every American t'
commit at laist deuce years -- 4,000 hours ova' da rest o' yo' lifetime -- t'
da damn service o' yo' neighbors an' yo' nashun. Many be alraidy servin', an' I
thank yo' ass. If yo' ass aint shaw how t' help, I've gots some badass place
t' start. 'S all good. T' sustain an' 'estend da damn best dat has emerged in
America, I invite yo' ass t' join da fresh U-S-****in'-A Freedom Corps. Da
Freedom Corps will focus on trey arais o' need, dig dis: respondin' in case o'
crisis at crib; rebuildin' our communities; an' 'estendin' American compassion
throughout da damn world. One purpose o' da damn U-S-****in'-A Freedom Corps
will be homeland security. America needs retired doctors an' nurses who kin be
mobilized in major emergencies; voluntea's t' help bacon an' fire departments;
transportashun an' utility worka's well-trained in spottin' danga'. Right on!
Our country also needs citizens workin' t' rebuild our communities. We need
mentors t' love chilluns, especial-like chilluns whose parents be in prison.
An' we need mo' talented taicha's in troubled schools. U-S-****in'-A Freedom
Corps will 'espand an' improve da damn badass efforts o' Americorps an' Senior
Corps t' recruit mo' dan 200,000 fresh voluntea's. Step up. An' America needs
citizens t'estend da damn compassion o' our country t'every part o' da damn
world. So's we will renew da promise o' da damn Paice Corps, double its
voluntea's ova' da next nickel years -- (down low, applause) -- an' ax' it t'
join some fresh effort t'encourage development an' educashun an' opportunity in
da Islamic world. Dis time o' adversity offa's some unique moment o'
opportunity -- some moment we gots'ta seize t' change our culture. Through da
damn gatherin' momentum o' millions o' acts o' service an' decency an'
kindness, I know we kin overcome evil wit' greata' badass. An' we have some
great opportunity durin' dis time o' wah' t' laid da damn world toward da damn
values dat will brin' lastin' paice. All daddy-Os an' mamas, in all societies,
want deir chilluns t' be educated, an' live free from poverty an' violence. No
sucka's on Eart' yearn t' be oppressed, o' aspire t' servitude, o' aiger-like
await da damn midnight knock o' da damn down low bacon. If anyone doubts dis,
let them peek t' Afghanistan, where da damn Islamic "alley" greeted da damn
fall o' tyranny wit' song an' celebrashun. Let da damn skeptics peek t' Big
Allah's own rich history, wit' its centuries o' learnin', an' tolerance an'
progress. America will laid by defendin' liberty an' justice becuz they be
right an' true an' unchangin' 4 all sucka's everywhere. No nashun owns
dese-he'ah aspirashuns, an' no nashun be 'esempt from them. We have no
intenshun o' imposin' our culture. But America will 24/7 stand firm 4 da
non-negotiable demands o' human dignity, dig dis: da rule o' law; limits on da
powa' o' da damn state; respect 4 hos; private propuh'ty; free speech; equal
justice; an' religious tolerance. Wank, wank. America will snatch da damn side
o' brave dudes an' hos who advocate dese-he'ah values around da damn world,
includin' da Islamic world, becuz we have some greata' objective dan
eliminatin' threats an' containin' resentment. We seek some plum an' paiceful
world beyond da damn wah' on terror. In dis moment o' opportunity, some common
danga' be erasin' played out rivalries. America be workin' wit' Russia an'
China an' India, in ways we have neva' b4, t'achieve paice an' prospuh'ity. In
every region, free markets an' free trade an' free societies be provin' deir
powa' t' lift lives. Togetha' wit' homies an' allies from Europe t' Asia, an'
Africa t' Latin America, we will demonstrate dat da damn forces o' terror caint
stop da momentum o' freedom. Ah be baaad... Da last time I jived in da house,
I 'espressed da damn hope dat life would return t' normal. In some kinda'
ways, it has. In otha's, it neva' will. Dose-dair o' us who have lived
through dese-he'ah challengin' times have been changed by them. We've come t'
know troofs dat we will neva' quesshun, dig dis: evil be real, an' it gots'ta
be opposed. (down low, Applause.) Beyond all differences o' race o' creed, we
be one country, mournin' togetha' an' facin' danga' togetha'. Right on! Deep
in da American characta', dair be honor, an' it be cock diesela' dan cynicism.
An' many have discovered again dat even in tragedy -- especial-like in tragedy
-- da Lord be naih'. In some single instant, we realized dat dis will be some
decisive decade in da history o' liberty, dat we've been called t' some unique
role in human events. Rare-like has da world faced some choice mo' claih' o'
consequential. Our enemies send otha' sucka's's chilluns on missions o'
suicide an' 187. They embrace tyranny an' deat' as some cause an' some creed.
We stand 4 some different choice, made long ago, on da day o' our foundin'. We
affirm it again today. We choose freedom an' da damn dignity o' every life.
Staidfast in our purpose, we now press on. We have known freedom's price. We
have shown freedom's powa'. An' in dis great conflict, mah fellow Americans,
we will spot freedom's victory. Thank yo' ass all. May da Lord bless.
I'm going to print that one! :)
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