storytime!
The Alaska Times
"Nobody cares what we do up here so we can afford to tell news pretty much like it is."
'War of Liberation' Ends as USS Forces Withdraw From Canada!
The Red House's stated goal of liberating the Canadian proletariat was brought to an abrupt and seemingly final close as USS forces withdraw from Canadian soil. Preaching 'peace with honor,' the brains in Washingtongrad declared that the Canadian laborers were "so firmly hypnotized by the shock and awe of bourgeoisie oppression that liberating them is not a viable option at this juncture."
Still, it was an embarrassing defeat for the USSA, which has lost every war (except the War of Afghani Liberation) it has fought so far in this century. The aging Premier Obama resigned publicly as his image was hurt significantly as a result of this failure. The even older former Chairwoman of the Communist Party, Clinton, went on record as having said "I told you so." She then died mysteriously of an ice pick to the head in an unrelated incident within her own home following a break-in by officials whose only statement was that they have nothing to do with the CIA (Communist Intelligence Agency).
Obama, despite stepping down to fill a technocratic position within the Communist bureaucracy, was quick to select a successor. A new face and rising star within the Communist Party, John Freeman* has been selected Premier of the United Socialist States of America. Freeman promises a glorious rebirth of the nation's military tradition, a strengthening of ties with communist friends across the globe, and advancement of the worldwide workers' revolution.
Freeman's inauguration sparked a sharp boost in approval ratings for the Communist Party up to 112%, a marked increase over last year's 108%, said the Department of Information last Tuesday, as well as a sudden increase in the number of pairs of boots produced this year (which had previously been misreported to be only one half of the actual quota). In fact, the election for Premier had a surprisingly high voter turnout, which is exceptionally shocking due to the lack of an election in which to have high voter turnout.
Regardless, all signs point to a roaring start for Premier Freeman.
Article by Henry MacTavish, edited by John Filinger, approved by Commissar Josif Dzhugashvili
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*wholly fictional for those who care