The Byzantastic Adventure!

[constantinople]

Chapter I: Rumble in Rome​

Jane: So... I spy, with my little eye.
Theodore: Oh just cut it out, mom. You're not going to cheer me up.
Jane: I'm just trying to help... You shouldn't get so upset over this.
George: Your mother's right, Theo. We all lose every once in a while.
Theodore: Not me. Dad, why did we have to drive across the country in your Mini Cooper?
George: Well if you're going to cruise, you might as well cruise in style!
Theodore: Right... Well this was a useless trip.
Jane: You have no reason to be this upset. Quit pouting! Just because you lost the baseball tournament, doesn't mean you can mope all the way home.
Theodore: But baseball is my life!
George: Some life...
Jane: George!
Theodore: At least it's active. Dad, your life is Civilization IV!
George: Hey, I can stop anytime I want!
Jane: No need for fighting...
George: The point is, we all win and we all lose. End of story.
...
Theodore: But I don't want to lose.
Jane: You can always play for the team next year.
Theodore: I barely made the cut this year! Who says I'll make it next year? And the team hates me! I guess I can't hit a double to save my life...
Jane: Again, get over it! Theo, you can't spend all of your life whining. Life is short.
George: Yes. I'm sure the team doesn't hate you.
Theodore: You know why there is mustard over my short?
George: Because you're a klutz who dropped your hot dog on it?
Theodore: No! Billy Westmore threw a hot dog at me! Actually two. But one hit the coach.
George: Well you don't have to worry about Billy anymore.
Theodore: No, the coach got angry at me and threatened to kick me off the team.
Jane: That ain't right. We've got to-
George: Jane, no. He needs to fight his own battles. He can patch things up with the coach next baseball season.
Theodore: I ain't joining! I don't want to have to drive all the way to Iowa for regionals again! Why does it have to be in Iowa? Who lives there?! Massachusetts is like 1000 miles away from Iowa!
George: Well we still haven't left Iowa yet, you're going to be grumpy for the entire car ride. And we'll be driving for three days.
Theodore: Why couldn't you let me get a smartphone?
George: Who needs those? Useless...
Theodore: Ugh. I hate baseball.
Jane: You said you loved it two days ago.
Theodore: Before my team lost because of me! I was the last batter at the bottom of nineth! That batter is always responsible for his team's victory or defeat! And I led the Mighty Mooses to defeat!
Jane: The plural of moose is moose.
Theodore: Oh I don't care! I hate baseball! I give up!
George: Give up?! Give up?! What is wrong with you?! Never give up! Like the Byzantine Empire!
Theodore: The Whatantine Empire?
Jane: No, no, no!
George: You don't know about the Byzantines? Something must be done!
Theodore: Mom, I'm so sorry. I should have known he would do something like this.
George: *Ahem* Once upon a time, there was a really cool empire called the Roman Empire. It single handily kicked the ass of the entire Mediterranean. Unfortunately, the emperors were jerks and back-stabbers. And some guy named Nero screwed up the system by killing himself. Some good stuff happened before everything flushed down the toilet. A guy named Diocletian was too lazy to rule all of the Empire and split it up into four. Eventually, the four empires merged into one for the Roman Family Reunion and a Christian guy called Constantine, "Consty", declared himself emperor. He was jealous of Rome and founded his own city, Constantinople. Contrary to popular belief, the city is named after the CFC user, not the opposite way around. Anyways, his children were too lazy to govern the behemoth Empire and repeatedly divided and united it, make up your mind already! So barbarians constantinely attacked the two Roman Empires. Eventually, in 476, a guy called Romulus Augustus, named after two of the greatest Roman leaders, surrendered even though he wasn't French. He should have been named Caligulus Elagabalus. So, the Western Roman Empire a splode into many separate non-Roman kingdoms. And the Eastern Roman Empire's deposed then restored king, Zeno, was like, "Wha?"
So, in 500, Anastasius I Dicorus found himself the ruler of a crippled and useless country with no friends. What could he possibly do? Find out next time!
Theodore: Next time? Wha?
George: That's what Zeno said!

Spoiler :

 

[cudfather]

Ohh yeah!
Let's read this for the next couple weeks

 

[trexeric]

That is a great history of the Roman Empire
And subbed and can't wait!

 

[teriaky]

Subbed

 

[A.Caesar]

Subbed

 

[constantinople]

Chapter II: The Sassynids​

George: So, to recap, the Romans died and the Eastern Roman Empire vowed vengeance on the barbs. And the king of the ERE, Anastasius I Dicorus, was all, "WTH will I do?"
Anna, as his friends called him, decided to build spearmen in most of his cities, as horses constantly flocked to Constantinople to either burn the city to rubble or participate in the hippodrome events. And Anna despised both these practices.
Not much happened until 508 AD, besides debt being a b***h to the Empire. Until suddenly...

Spoiler :

George: So Anna said, "What the heck? What are these things?" And his adviser was all, "They're called the Sassanids and they enjoy terrorizing Romans." And Anna was like, "Well screw them! They are sassy! Sassy... Sassynids! That is what we shall call them!"
The first set of Sassynids disappeared, but a new group reappeared by Caesaraea, known as the "Little Caesaraea Pizzeria."

Spoiler :

George: The jerks headed off toward Sinope to engage in a brutal battle in which they thought they could slaughter ERE spearmen.

Spoiler :

George: To the south, the Sassynids attacked the city of Aleppo. It was a brutal battle in which barely any ERE soldiers died.

Spoiler :

George: They also attacked Sinope and lost again. But the Sassynids were trekking into Anatolia, disguising themselves as illegal immigrants.

Spoiler :

George: By 520, Justin I was crowned ERE. Of course, ERE styled themselves as Roman Emperors, so Justin I and his successors viewed themselves as Romans. Anyway, the Sassies were advancing fast. They needed to die inhumanely.

Spoiler :

George: For the first time in 20 years, the ERE actually lost a severe amount of soldiers. And they thought they were in the clear...
Later in his life, Justin visited the burial grounds of the military commander who died at Iconium and said, "I never knew this man, but I'm sure he'd have been a Byzliever." (Get it?)

Spoiler :

George: Somehow, a set of Sassies snuck all the way around Caesaraea and revealed themselves west of the river. Don't ask me, ERE security was terrible back than. Elvis could have lived there and no one would have known.

Spoiler :

George: More and more Sassies appeared in Justinian I was like, "Meh. I can take them." But his wife Theodora was all, "No you can't!" And Justinian was like, "Yes dear..." Poor Justy was a tool to his wife, many think he was great but he wasn't... His wife reminds me of...umm...
Jane: Of who?!
George: No one...

Spoiler :

George: So, hordes of Sassies continued to hit the ERE and battle them. That's really it. They loved Aleppo.

Spoiler :

George: The Sassies kept coming and going, coming and going. It was very annoying. The ERE also had to worry about debt. Eventually, it had even more debt than the Roman Empire. So it's king decided it deserved better than "Eastern Roman Empire" and was henceforth known as the Byzantine Empire. Its citizens thought of themselves as Romans but historians don't want to get the two confused, so, yeah...

Spoiler :

George: By the time Maurice became the Byzantines' emperor, everyone had had it with the Sassies.

Spoiler :

George: Maurice bolstered the army and added additional military units such as swordsmen and axemen. In the west, the Byzantine Empire was wealthy but the eastern cities were poor due to constant barbarian attacks. The landscape was ravaged by those sassy monsters. And they kept advancing even though they didn't capture any cities.

Spoiler :

George: In 608, following another attack on Sinope, the Byzantines were more pissed than Theodore.
Theodore: Hey!
George: Luckily, the sassy attacks were dying down. And speaking of dying...

Spoiler :

George: The plague! In 628 the Heraclian Plague, named after Heraclius, the emperor, struck the city of Cyrene. Of all the cities, it had to be the isolated one. The Byzantines were shocked. Heraclius said, "It ain't my fault!" Heraclius blamed the radicals and set a standard that would be followed by all politicians. So the Byzantines were bickering about the plague but they did not realize this would allow other "nearby" cultures to declare their independence...
Theodore: Wow. How did you memorize all of this?
George: That's not important...
Theodore: Tell me more!
Jane: George, it's lunch time. Can't we stop somewhere?
George: Alright, I'm a little peckish myself. We can stop at that generic roadside diner. I'll continue the story when we go on the road again.
Theodore: Okay...

 

[cudfather]

Nasty Arabs incoming

 

[constantinople]

Chapter III: Anxious Arabs and Blasted Bulgarians​

George: Okay, moving on. The Plague moved on to other Byzantine cities, killing a lot of the Byzantine Army. Get used to it.

Spoiler :

George: In 636, suddenly, these weirdos wearing turbans came out of no where and preached about some guy named Mohammad. They believed the Orthodoxies were heathens, which is exactly what the Byzantines thought about the "Muslims." Some of the Sassies flipped to the Muslims but the Byzantines mauled them.

Spoiler :

George: The Muslims were all Arabs so the Byzantines called them the...Arabs. But Emperor Heraclius still had to worry about the Sassie onslaught to the north.

Spoiler :

George: In 644, Constans II was forced to give up the Levant to the Arabs. Luckily, the army present there was evacuated to Antioch and Alexandria.

Spoiler :

George: But the plague was spreading throughout Anatolia and the Byzantines still had to worry about Sassy attacks in the east. It was a necessity that the east needed to avoid the plague.

Spoiler :

Theodore: What about the Arabs?
George: The Arabs weren't much of a problem. There weren't too many attacks on Byzantine territory but the Byzantines knew they needed to keep Alexandria to prevent the Arabs from spreading to Africa. The Sassies were a bigger problem.

Spoiler :

George: The Byzantines realized they needed to control the Nile to prevent the Arabs from gaining Africa. A few horsemen managed to make it across the Nile. The Arabs also crossed the Red Sea and would eventually reach southern Spain where they would found an independent Caliphate.

Spoiler :

George: By the mid-600s, the war was still intact and the Byzantines sent troops to capture Damascus, the Muslim holy city of the Levant. The troops reached the outskirts of the city in 668.

Spoiler :

George: The attack was a humiliating failure. The Byzantines failed to dent Arab lines and defeat was obvious.

Spoiler :

George: The Byzantines could not afford to attack the city again and signed a treaty. The Arabs gave the Byzantines a small lump of gold since the Empire was bigger than the Caliphate.

Spoiler :

George: The problem was the Arabs were allowed to colonize as they wished and set up a city near the edge of the Nile. This really angered the Byzantines but there was nothing they could do. However, the governor demanded the training of many soldiers to eventually capture the Arab city.

Spoiler :

George: In 684, the Byzantines founded Heliopolis to prevent the Arabs from colonizing the rest of the Mediterranean. But the Byzzies had a new threat from the north: The Bulgarians.

Spoiler :

Theodore: Are they the guys who break into peoples' houses at night?
George: No, those are burglars. Or maybe you're thinking of Santa Claus. Anyway, hordes of Bulgars, as their friends called them, set off to captured Hadrianopolis. So the Byzantines sent scouts to seize the undefended city of Preslav, named after the residents who lived there before the Bulgars came, in "pre-Slav" times. The Byzantines renamed the city Sexaginta Prista. Don't ask me why.

Spoiler :

George: This pissed the hell out of the Bulgarians, who captured the city back. They also pulled out of Thrace. Byzantines shouted back, "IN YO THRACE!"

Spoiler :

George: King Asparukh of Bulgaria said, "Crap." as the Byzantines approached Preslav once more.

Spoiler :

George: Once again the city fell and was given the same disturbing name as before.

Spoiler :

George: The Bulgarians were falling and everything looked good. The Sassies gave up and regular horse archers appeared in the east now.

Spoiler :

George: These horse archers will still a threat and plundered newly constructed homes.

Spoiler :

George: The Byzantines were preparing for a final invasion of Bulgaria and were building soldiers up in Antioch and down in Egypt when suddenly.

Spoiler :

George: WARR!!!!!
Theodore: What happened next? Tell me?! Tell me?!
Jane: Sorry, Theo. It's getting late.
George: Yes, I'll tell you the rest tomorrow. We need to go to a hotel and have dinner.
Theodore: Ugh. Fine. But there better be Arab slaughtering next time!
George: Oh, they'll be Arab slaughtering. So much, you'll agree to join the baseball team next year!
Theodore ...No.

 

[strijder20]

Good update, but why didn't Heliopolis go one NE? Is there a flip I don't know about?

 

[constantinople]

I founded Heliopolis there because I wanted Alexandria to have as much room to grow as possible. I also wanted to be away from the Arabs because I knew they would invade me.

 

[trexeric]

Why did Jane say "It's getting wait"?

 

[constantinople]

Meant to say late.

 

[SamSniped]

"Sexaginta" is Latin for sixty, just in case you were curious

 

[Gruekiller]

IT BEGINS e

 

[constantinople]

Chapter IV: Dang you, Arabs​

Theodore: Dad, before we go to bed, can you tell me one more chapter?
George: Hmm... Okay. What the heck.
George: The Byzantines wanted to conquer Domyat, but it was too dom defended since the Arabs employed Orthodox Nubian mercenaries to fight against their brothers in the faith, the Byzantines.

Spoiler :

George: So the Arabs attacked Heliopolis and Antioch, Heliopolis was barely defended but it would survive.

Spoiler :

George: To the north, the Byzantine army in Thrace had healed and the Empire conquered the last Bulgarian stronghold.

Spoiler :

George: In Egypt, Byzantine spearmen destroyed Arab cavalry near the city of Heliopolis.

Spoiler :

George: The Empire in 732:

Spoiler :

Theodore: What about it?
George: Oh, sorry. We can't see the map, I just instinctively thought this was one of my history lectures.

George: It was obvious the Arabs needed to be killed, since they kept attacking Byzantine lands near Syria. But the army was too weak there and the Byzantines wanted to keep reserves in Europe in case of an emergency.

Spoiler :

George: The Byzzies also had to worry about horse archers from the Middle East, who were allies of the Sassies.

Spoiler :

George: Well, the Byzantines lost a battle at Heliopolis boosting Arab morale as the horse archer wreaked chaos near Caesaraea.

Spoiler :

George: So Constantine V sent more troops to Heliopolis and killed the rogue Arabs. He declared that by the end of the reign, Egypt would be purely Byzantine.

Spoiler :

George: In 748, he sent a small army to Damascus to hopefully capture the holy city once and far all.

Spoiler :

George: Unfortunately, the Arabs were sending out a small army at the same time and they attacked the Byzantines.

Spoiler :

George: Although the Byzantines won, they lost too many troops to capture the city. The Arabs also sent more soldiers to combat the Byzantines outside of Damascus.

Spoiler :

George: Although the Arabs had a small army, many Byzantine citizens were paranoid that the Arab army was massive and they were brutal barbarians. Many demanded that Constantine V immediately take back the Holy Land, too.

Spoiler :

George: As more and more horse archers pulled in, Constantine V agreed with the population and promised to invade once the military was strong again.

Spoiler :

George: However, the Byzantines kept losing battles and the invasion was continuously pushed to later dates.

Spoiler :

George: Eventually, Constantine VI took over and he decided he wanted to continue his grandfather's plan. But, like his grandfather, the Arabs constantly sent horse archers to suicide into Byzantine territory.

Spoiler :

George: Early Seljuk raids continued as well.

Spoiler :

George: Although he was ashamed of it, Constantine VI signed a peace treaty with the Arabs. Morale dropped all over the country and riots broke out in anger.

Spoiler :

George: But Constantine made a promise to his people, that one day, order would be restored and the Levant would be reconquered. Would it? The answer is-
Jane: Sorry to stop you, George, but it's 11:30. We need to get up early, we have another day on the road tomorrow.
Theodore: But, Mom! The story's getting interesting!
Jane: Sorry, sweetie. How your father memorizes all of this crap is beyond me.
George: Crap? It's family history!
Theodore: I'm Byzantine?!
Jane: Well we don't-
George: Yes! That's why I'm named George, it's a Greek name! And you're named after Theodosius I!
Jane: I thought we named him Theodore after Teddy Roose-
George: Well, good night, dear!
Jane: Right... 'Night.

 

[trexeric]

That last part was golden!

 

[constantinople]

Sorry for the lack of updates, I'll try to get back on a daily schedule tomorrow.

 

[Daedwartin]

Ah, hard mode RFCE as I like to view it as.
because unlike pretty muc everyone else, the Byz start with a Empire. a very large one. and it is going to be the target of several spawns and many nations from Bulgaria to Arab to Venice to Ottoman to Moscow to Hungary. They do not get it easy. You have to build up big time as them t survive. The Catch? You don't get very much time to do so, as the hell that be the decline period starts in under 60 turns.

 

[constantinople]

Chapter V: V is for Venice​

Jane: Up and Adam!
George: Wake up, Theo.
Theodore: *Groan...*
George: The sooner you get up, the sooner you hear the story in the car.
Theodore: What are you two just standing around for!? C'mon! Let's move, let's move!

Theodore: Okay, continue on!
George: Alright. So, the Byzantines found themselves at peace with the Arabs, but they still had to deal with the horsemen of the Middle East, who were continuously assaulting Caesaraea and the cities of the east.

Spoiler :

George: By 800 AD, simple spearmen were becoming obsolete, the barbarians were adapting to the spearmen's formation, it was obvious the Byzantines needed a better type of polearm.

Spoiler :

George: In late 800 AD, this was exposed after spearmen lost a large battle near Caesaraea.

Spoiler :

George: The horse archers roamed rampant for a while but they eventually attacked spearmen nearby Caesaraea. The city needed more armies to guard it, but the Byzantines wanted reserves everywhere and the emperors believed cities needed to fend for themselves.

Spoiler :

George: In 812, the Byzantines settled in southwest Greece. The Byzantines had claimed much of the Balkans but had never settled there so it was apparent they had to make settlements to justify their claims fast. These claims clashed with Venetian interests, who wished to colonize the Mediterranean.

Spoiler :

George: In 828, the once gone horse archers returned and this time attacked Aleppo, which had lost a lot of territory to the Arabs.

Spoiler :

George: Speaking of Arabs, the pesky Bedouins annexed more Byzantine lands and claimed half of the Nile Delta. The city of Domyat was unguarded and the emperor was constructing plans to invade Egypt. His fear was he did not have enough troops in Antiochia to attack the Muslims and defend against the raiders of Anatolia. So he was forced to wait.

Spoiler :

George: In 832, the Byzantines settled in Epirus to claim that region. Next they wanted to settle the ex-Roman city of Dyrrachion.

Spoiler :

George: The glory of Constantinople was increased with the construction of the Round Church. This also attracted Orthodox pilgrims from far and wide. That being cities in the Empire, Nubia, and soon to be Kievan Rus'.

Spoiler :

George: Not only did the Byzantines have to worry about raiders in the east, but skirmishers attacking Bulgaria appeared in 848. Bulgaria was devastated by the war and the Byzantines did not have too many soldiers occupying it so they feared the worst.

Spoiler :

George: That same year, more horse archers appeared in Anatolia. Right when they thought the attacks were dying down, they came back up.

Spoiler :

George: The main annoyance was not the horsemen attacking spearmen but all of the plundering they did in the east. Byzantine cities would recover only when the horse archer raids stopped, then they would suffer again when new raiders came.

Spoiler :

George: The skirmishers of the north suicided onto Byzantine spearmen so that was good. But Bulgaria was still unproductive and defenses were still low.

Spoiler :

George: Once again, a brief period of peace came but more horse archers ruined that moment in the sun. Little did the Byzzies know, these weren't the worst of all the raiders they would encounter...

Spoiler :

George: Not many territorial changes happened but the Byzantines now dominated Greece and still were the major Mediterranean power.

Spoiler :

George: Speaking of Mediterranean powers, Enrico Dandolo, doge of Venice, was convinced by his three advisers to declare war on the Empire. Not the best choice. No one really cared in the Empire, Venice had no political power, but their navy could harass Byzantine ships. But no one cared.

Spoiler :

George: But, in 903, the Empire was the leader of technological achievements. This would not last, this claim would die out in 700 years... And who should be in second and third...

Spoiler :

George: That same year, for the first time in decades, the Byzantines went on the offensive to kill Middle Eastern cavalry. Normally the Byzantines were on defense but not today.

Spoiler :

George: Romanos I Lekapenos made some minor reforms, adding religion closer to the government. But tensions between Catholics and Orthodoxies would soon erupt, as they disagreed over everything, whether it be the leader of the church or Kirk vs Picard.

Spoiler :

George: In 930, another faux pas occured, but with the Arabs, who colonized Cyprus despite Byzantine claims.

Spoiler :

George: In 939, the Byzantines saw another problem: The Venetian navy. And the Byzantine navy was small. Something had to be done. But what...?

 

[trexeric]

DEATH TO VENICE!!!!!