classical_hero
In whom I trust
A variant of that joke is that the father wants a swimming pool.
The HEhe HAha Joke Thread 2.0
- Thread starter CCRunner
- Start date
Darth Caesar
Might be a Wizard
I think that one would be even Funnier.
classical_hero
In whom I trust
Winter Classes for Men at the Learning Centre for Adults
Note: Due to the complexity and difficulty level of their contents, class sizes will be limited to eight participants maximum.
Class 1 - How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays — Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.
Class 2 - The Toilet Paper Roll — Does It Change Itself? Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.
Class 3 - Is It Possible To Urinate Using The Technique Of Lifting The Seat and Avoiding The Floor, Walls and Nearby Bathtub? — Group Practice.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.
Class 4 - Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper and The Floor — Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.
Class 5 - After Dinner Dishes — Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Kitchen Sink? Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM
Class 6 - Loss Of Identity — Losing The Remote To Your Significant Other. Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM
Class 7 - Learning How To Find Things — Starting With Looking In The Right Places And Not Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming. Open Forum .
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.
Class 8 - Health Watch — Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your Health. Graphics and Audio Tapes.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.
Class 9 - Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost — Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.
Class 10 - Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly While She Parallel Parks? Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.
Class 11 - Learning to Live — Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife. Online Classes and role-playing.
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined
Class 12 - How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion — Relaxation Exercises, Meditation and Breathing Techniques.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.
Class 13 - How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy — Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries and Other Important Dates and Calling When You're Going To Be Late.
Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.
Class 14 - The Stove/Oven — What It Is and How It Is Used.
Live Demonstration.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.
Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.
Note: Due to the complexity and difficulty level of their contents, class sizes will be limited to eight participants maximum.
Class 1 - How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays — Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.
Class 2 - The Toilet Paper Roll — Does It Change Itself? Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.
Class 3 - Is It Possible To Urinate Using The Technique Of Lifting The Seat and Avoiding The Floor, Walls and Nearby Bathtub? — Group Practice.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.
Class 4 - Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper and The Floor — Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.
Class 5 - After Dinner Dishes — Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Kitchen Sink? Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM
Class 6 - Loss Of Identity — Losing The Remote To Your Significant Other. Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM
Class 7 - Learning How To Find Things — Starting With Looking In The Right Places And Not Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming. Open Forum .
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.
Class 8 - Health Watch — Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your Health. Graphics and Audio Tapes.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.
Class 9 - Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost — Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.
Class 10 - Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly While She Parallel Parks? Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.
Class 11 - Learning to Live — Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife. Online Classes and role-playing.
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined
Class 12 - How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion — Relaxation Exercises, Meditation and Breathing Techniques.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.
Class 13 - How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy — Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries and Other Important Dates and Calling When You're Going To Be Late.
Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.
Class 14 - The Stove/Oven — What It Is and How It Is Used.
Live Demonstration.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.
Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.
Synthespian
Chieftain
- Joined
- Apr 4, 2006
- Messages
- 32
Two snowmen are standing in a field and one of them turns to the other and says:
... "can you smell carrot?"
... "can you smell carrot?"
Omni314
Prince
(rated pg)
classical_hero
In whom I trust
Tha joke has been done here already.
Darth Caesar
Might be a Wizard
As a guy takes his seat on an airplane, he is surprised to find a parrot strapped in next to him. After taking off, the flight attendant comes around to serve the passengers on the plane. The guy asks the flight attendant for a coffee and the parrot squawks: "And get ME a coke...NOW!"
The flight attendant, flustered by the parrot's attitude, brings back a coke for the parrot. However, she forgets the coffee for the guy.
As the guy points this out, the parrot drains his glass and screams:
"Get me another coke or I'll really create a scene!"
Quite upset, the attendant comes back shaking, with another coke, but still no coffee.
Irritated at her forgetfulness, the man decides to try the parrot's approach.
"I've asked you twice for a coffee. Go and get it right now, or I'll create a scene that will make HIS look like a Victorian tea party!"
The next moment, both the guy and the parrot are grabbed and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly security guards.
Hurtling towards earth, the parrot turns to him and says: "You're pretty cheeky for a guy who can't fly
The flight attendant, flustered by the parrot's attitude, brings back a coke for the parrot. However, she forgets the coffee for the guy.
As the guy points this out, the parrot drains his glass and screams:
"Get me another coke or I'll really create a scene!"
Quite upset, the attendant comes back shaking, with another coke, but still no coffee.
Irritated at her forgetfulness, the man decides to try the parrot's approach.
"I've asked you twice for a coffee. Go and get it right now, or I'll create a scene that will make HIS look like a Victorian tea party!"
The next moment, both the guy and the parrot are grabbed and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly security guards.
Hurtling towards earth, the parrot turns to him and says: "You're pretty cheeky for a guy who can't fly
madviking
north american scum
Not really a joke; more surreal humor. And based off a true story.
If you drive on US-29 south towards Charlottesville, Virginia, there will be a sign that says
(xx and yy being two random milages)
When I saw it, I couldn't help but to comment on the juxtaposition of names of those two cities.
If you drive on US-29 south towards Charlottesville, Virginia, there will be a sign that says
Code:
Lynchburg XX
Blacksburg YY(xx and yy being two random milages)
When I saw it, I couldn't help but to comment on the juxtaposition of names of those two cities.
Spoiler if you don't get it :
Kullervo
Mahler/Sibelius Freak
Madviking, do we need to know something about you?
That having been said, I did see something similarly amusing while standing at a red light... three-lane road, and I was the second car in the middle lane. I happened to notice that the three car's numbers read (spoilered because I am not 100% sure that foreign cuss words which very few people will understand or use anyway are allowed)
Completely by accident, those happen to be some fairly vicious cuss words in Russian... (DO NOT REPEAT THEM TO A RUSSIAN OR YOUR BODY WILL NEVER BE FOUND)
And if the words are not allowed here,just PM me and I will remove them. I looked through the rules, don't know if any of them can be used here...
That having been said, I did see something similarly amusing while standing at a red light... three-lane road, and I was the second car in the middle lane. I happened to notice that the three car's numbers read (spoilered because I am not 100% sure that foreign cuss words which very few people will understand or use anyway are allowed)
Spoiler :
And if the words are not allowed here,just PM me and I will remove them. I looked through the rules, don't know if any of them can be used here...
bernie14
Filter Manipulator
A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he observed.
To the first mother he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You even named your daughter Candy."
He turned to the second mom. "Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."
He turned to the third mom. "Your obsession is alcohol and your child's name is Brandy."
At this point, the fourth mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, Dick, let's go home."
To the first mother he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You even named your daughter Candy."
He turned to the second mom. "Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."
He turned to the third mom. "Your obsession is alcohol and your child's name is Brandy."
At this point, the fourth mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, Dick, let's go home."
Abaddon
Deity
classical_hero
In whom I trust
How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Just two, but how they got in their beats me.
Just two, but how they got in their beats me.
Fr8monkey
Deity
Omni314
Prince
A Texas DPS Trooper was patrolling late at night off the main highway.
He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light brightly glowing.
He carefully approaches the car to get a closer look.
Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine.
He also immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, filing her fingernails.
Puzzled by this surprising situation, he walks to the car and gently raps on the driver's side window.
The young man lowers his window and mutters, "Uh, yes, Officer"?
The trooper asks: 'What are you doing'?
The young man says: 'Well, Sir, I'm reading a magazine'.
Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat, the trooper says: 'And her in the back, what is she doing'?
The young man shrugs: 'Sir, I believe she's filing her fingernails'.
Now the trooper is totally confused. A young couple, alone in a car at night, in a lover's lane ... and nothing obscene is happening! The trooper asks: 'What's your age, young man'?
The young man says: 'I'm 22, sir'. The trooper asks: 'And her ... what's her age'?
The young man looks at his watch and replies: 'She'll be 18 in 11 minutes...
He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light brightly glowing.
He carefully approaches the car to get a closer look.
Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine.
He also immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, filing her fingernails.
Puzzled by this surprising situation, he walks to the car and gently raps on the driver's side window.
The young man lowers his window and mutters, "Uh, yes, Officer"?
The trooper asks: 'What are you doing'?
The young man says: 'Well, Sir, I'm reading a magazine'.
Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat, the trooper says: 'And her in the back, what is she doing'?
The young man shrugs: 'Sir, I believe she's filing her fingernails'.
Now the trooper is totally confused. A young couple, alone in a car at night, in a lover's lane ... and nothing obscene is happening! The trooper asks: 'What's your age, young man'?
The young man says: 'I'm 22, sir'. The trooper asks: 'And her ... what's her age'?
The young man looks at his watch and replies: 'She'll be 18 in 11 minutes...
Kennigit
proud 2 boxer
Why did the russian love to eat pho?
Spoiler :
kiwitt
Road to War Modder
England and France are at the bar spending Germanys money. Germany sits in the corner sulking. America has gone home after trousering a vast amount of Germanys cash. The Baltic nations are in the public bar making a lot of noise. After a while Germany goes to the bar to buy a drink and when told it will cost 500 million marks goes ballistic and storms off into the public bar where he berates and threatens the Czech. Russia tries to calm him down and they dissapear into a corner together. The Baltic nations go back to the main bar, muttering amongst themselves. The British order a large gin and tonic and a small whine for the French.
After a while Germany returns and with Russia lurking menacingly in the background, proceeds to have a right shouting match with the Czechs, Britain pops over to have a strong word and are told to piss off, as Germany belts the Czech right in the kisser,and grabs Austria by the throat. Germany stares at Poland ,who looks pleadingly towards Britain and France. Britain once again intercedes and makes Germany promise not to hit Poland. Germany agrees and writes this down on the back of a beer mat. Britain then shows the beermat to everyone in the pub and everyone is happy.Germany then creeps up behind Poland and thwaks him with one of the new barstools.
Everyone piles into the public bar whilst Germany and Russia give Poland a right good kicking. Britain and France shout from the Public Bar that Germany is in big trouble now, Germany taunts them and says come and have a go if they think they are big enough. Britain and France wait untill Russia has gone for a piss and go and have a go at Germany, who floors France with one punch whilst walking over the prostrate Belgium who is still on the floor following the previous evenings fight. Britain retreats back to public bar, leaving most of his belongings and the two belligerents stare at each other for what seems a very long time. Britain phones America and asks for them to come over and help only to be told they are busy painting the house and keeping an eye on the Japanese family who have moved in next door, but they will lend Britain some cash. This continues for a while, the 2 sides lobbing the odd bottle at each other.
Meanwhile Italy and Japan walk in and buy Germany a drink.....
Suddenly there's a lot of noise as a mini bus containing the pub rugby team pulls up and a group of pissed up antipodeans and a few Canadians/South Africans/Rhodesians etc, pile into the public bar. Meanwhile in the main bar the Germans and Italians have started picking on a group of Arabs who have been sitting quietly in the corner sipping orange juice and smoking exotic cigarettes. England tells the Rugby team that he owns the house where they live so the whole lot pile into the bar and soon there is a massive ruck going on. Suddenly there is a huge crash and everyone goes quiet as America storms through the doors yelling he's gonna kill the sneaky slant eyed Jap who set fire to his car,which was parked outside his house,whilst he was sleeping. America joins in the fray which has by now been going on for a while.
After an hour or so the pub is pretty badly trashed, Germany,Italy and Japan have retreated to the toilets where they are now trapped. Suddenly Italy runs out waving a white hankie and offers to take everyone for a pizza if they don't duff him up.Germany and Japan continue to hurl abuse from the bogs untill America and the others and their new best mate Russia make a concerted attempt to kick the bog doors in. They succeed and drag Germany out and proceed to kick the living daylights out of him. Japan has crawled out of the bog windows onto the roof where he continues to throw bottles at the others, America sudenly produces a huge pump action shotgun and blows him away with 2 shots.
Britain meanwhile stabs Poland in the back and Russia has nicked all the East Europeans belongings. The following week Germany turns up in a brand new Mercedes.
After a while Germany returns and with Russia lurking menacingly in the background, proceeds to have a right shouting match with the Czechs, Britain pops over to have a strong word and are told to piss off, as Germany belts the Czech right in the kisser,and grabs Austria by the throat. Germany stares at Poland ,who looks pleadingly towards Britain and France. Britain once again intercedes and makes Germany promise not to hit Poland. Germany agrees and writes this down on the back of a beer mat. Britain then shows the beermat to everyone in the pub and everyone is happy.Germany then creeps up behind Poland and thwaks him with one of the new barstools.
Everyone piles into the public bar whilst Germany and Russia give Poland a right good kicking. Britain and France shout from the Public Bar that Germany is in big trouble now, Germany taunts them and says come and have a go if they think they are big enough. Britain and France wait untill Russia has gone for a piss and go and have a go at Germany, who floors France with one punch whilst walking over the prostrate Belgium who is still on the floor following the previous evenings fight. Britain retreats back to public bar, leaving most of his belongings and the two belligerents stare at each other for what seems a very long time. Britain phones America and asks for them to come over and help only to be told they are busy painting the house and keeping an eye on the Japanese family who have moved in next door, but they will lend Britain some cash. This continues for a while, the 2 sides lobbing the odd bottle at each other.
Meanwhile Italy and Japan walk in and buy Germany a drink.....
Suddenly there's a lot of noise as a mini bus containing the pub rugby team pulls up and a group of pissed up antipodeans and a few Canadians/South Africans/Rhodesians etc, pile into the public bar. Meanwhile in the main bar the Germans and Italians have started picking on a group of Arabs who have been sitting quietly in the corner sipping orange juice and smoking exotic cigarettes. England tells the Rugby team that he owns the house where they live so the whole lot pile into the bar and soon there is a massive ruck going on. Suddenly there is a huge crash and everyone goes quiet as America storms through the doors yelling he's gonna kill the sneaky slant eyed Jap who set fire to his car,which was parked outside his house,whilst he was sleeping. America joins in the fray which has by now been going on for a while.
After an hour or so the pub is pretty badly trashed, Germany,Italy and Japan have retreated to the toilets where they are now trapped. Suddenly Italy runs out waving a white hankie and offers to take everyone for a pizza if they don't duff him up.Germany and Japan continue to hurl abuse from the bogs untill America and the others and their new best mate Russia make a concerted attempt to kick the bog doors in. They succeed and drag Germany out and proceed to kick the living daylights out of him. Japan has crawled out of the bog windows onto the roof where he continues to throw bottles at the others, America sudenly produces a huge pump action shotgun and blows him away with 2 shots.
Britain meanwhile stabs Poland in the back and Russia has nicked all the East Europeans belongings. The following week Germany turns up in a brand new Mercedes.
Omni314
Prince
The Husband Store
A brand new department store has just opened in London. It sells husbands.
When women go to choose a husband, they have to follow the following instructions:-
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are 6 floors and the value of the products increase as you go up. You may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go to the next floor, but you CANNOT go back down except to exit the building.
One day a woman goes into the store and rather nervously starts climbing the stairs.
When she gets to the 1st floor a sign on the door reads:
Floor 1: These men have jobs.
She thinks, "I can do better than that" and keeps going up.
The 2nd floor sign reads:
Floor 2: These men have jobs and love kids.
But she goes up another floor.
The 3rd floor sign reads:
Floor 3: These men have jobs, love kids and are extremely good looking.
"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the 4th floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4: These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking and help with the housework.
"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"
Still, she goes to the 5th floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5: These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the 6th floor and the sign reads:
Floor 6: You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor.
There are no men on this floor.
This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.
Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opens a Wives store just across the street.
The 1st first floor has wives that love sex.
The 2nd floor has wives that love sex and have money.
The 3rd,4th, 5th and 6th floors have never been visited.
A brand new department store has just opened in London. It sells husbands.
When women go to choose a husband, they have to follow the following instructions:-
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are 6 floors and the value of the products increase as you go up. You may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go to the next floor, but you CANNOT go back down except to exit the building.
One day a woman goes into the store and rather nervously starts climbing the stairs.
When she gets to the 1st floor a sign on the door reads:
Floor 1: These men have jobs.
She thinks, "I can do better than that" and keeps going up.
The 2nd floor sign reads:
Floor 2: These men have jobs and love kids.
But she goes up another floor.
The 3rd floor sign reads:
Floor 3: These men have jobs, love kids and are extremely good looking.
"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the 4th floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4: These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking and help with the housework.
"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"
Still, she goes to the 5th floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5: These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the 6th floor and the sign reads:
Floor 6: You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor.
There are no men on this floor.
This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.
Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opens a Wives store just across the street.
The 1st first floor has wives that love sex.
The 2nd floor has wives that love sex and have money.
The 3rd,4th, 5th and 6th floors have never been visited.
