The HEhe HAha Joke Thread 2.0

A Blonde, a Brunette and a Redhead are at a doctor's surgery to be examined if their babies are healthy, the usual thing that gets done. So they decided to talk about what sex the child will be the. The Redhead proclaims that her child will be a girl, since she had sex in the cowgirl position. The Brunette says she knows her child is going to be a boy, since she had sex in the missionary positions. After hearing that, the Blonde starts crying. The other two ask why and the blonde replies, Well I am going to have puppies.

 

2 men sit in the doctor's waiting room.
"So, what do you have?"
"Red rings around my... you know... around my Johnson."
"What a coincidence, me too".
So the first guy is called in and comes out after one minute. He smiles and says "no worries mate, you'll be al-right".
Second guy goes in. The doctor takes a long and good look at the problem looks into a few books and proclaims "6 months absolutely no sex, you have to use this cream daily in that period so we can hopefully prevent an amputation".
"AMPUTATION!? But the other guy also had red rings and said no worries!!"
"That's true" says the doctor "but with you, it's not lipstick".

After digging to depth of 100 metres, Russian scientists announced they had found traces of copper wire dating back at least 1000 years and concluded that their ancestors must have already had a telephone network 1000 years ago.

Not to be outdone, American scientists announced they had dug 200 metres and found races of 2000 year old optical fibre, concluding that their ancestors already had high tech fibre telephone networks at least 1000 years before the Russians.

Meanwhile in Belgium, scientists dug to a depth of 300 metre and found absolutely nothing. Therefore they concluded that 3000 years ago, their Belgian ancestors had already gone wireless.

A woman gets on a bus with her child.
The bus driver says: "That's the ugliest child I've ever seen. Ugh!"
The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!"
The man says: "You go right up there and tell him off – I'll hold your monkey for you."

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?”

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard.

The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?“

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. “Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”

“I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes” replies Watson.

“And what do you deduce from that?”

Watson ponders for a minute. “Well...
Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.
Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.
Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
But what does it tell you, Holmes?”

Holmes is silent for a moment.

“Watson, you idiot!” he says. “Someone has stolen our tent!”

A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.

His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.”

The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”

When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300°C.

The Russians used a pencil.

A turtle was walking down an alley in New York when he was mugged by a gang of snails. A police detective came to investigate and asked the turtle if he could explain what happened.

The turtle looked at the detective with a confused look on his face and replied
“I don't know, it all happened so fast.”

2 men are on safari in Africa, when all of a sudden a raging hippo goes chasing after them.
One of the guys goes getting his running shoes.
"wow man, do you think you can outrun the hippo with those shoes?!"
"no, but that's not the point, I want to outrun you."

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather.

Not screaming in terror like his passengers.

A man had 50 yard line tickets for the Super Bowl.
As he sat down, he noticed that the seat next to him was empty.
He asked the man on the other side of the empty seat whether anyone was sitting there.
"No," the man replied, "The seat is empty."
"This is incredible," said the first man.
"Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Super Bowl, the biggest sporting event in the world and not use it?"
The second man replied, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This will be the first Super bowl we haven't been together since we got married in 1967."
"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else -- a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?"
"No" said the man. "They are all at the funeral."

A guy dies and is sent to Hell.
Satan meets him, shows him doors to three rooms, and says he must choose one to spend eternity in. In the first room, people are standing in up to their necks. The guy says "no, let me see the next room."
In the second room, people are standing with up to their noses. Guy says no again.
Finally, Satan opens the door to the third room. People are standing with up to their knees, drinking coffee and eating danish pastries. The guy says, "I pick this room."
Satan says okay and starts to leave, and the guy wades in and starts pouring some coffee. On the way out Satan yells, "O.K., coffee break's over. Everyone back on your heads!"

A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can. Three years later, there’s a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says "What the hell was that all about?"

I went to the psychiatrist, and he says "You're crazy."
I tell him I want a second opinion.
He says, "Okay, you're ugly too!"

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Funniest part of the post!

 

Someone thinking H&J a post count farm or something?

 

It must be ratings week: Ann Coulter was booked to appear on Real Time with Bill Maher.

 

Here's one Abaddon in particular will enjoy:

Out in the American West, General Custer is campaigning against the Indians. While camping one night, the native drums can be heard over the next hill. General Custer says to his men "listen, they've got war drums!" A little Geordie soldier replies: "the thievin' bastards!"

 

Spoiler Controversial topic: (abortion) :

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/greg-gutfeld/finally-the-roe-v-wade-jo_b_14437.html

 

Quite a number of years ago, the Seattle Symphony was doing Beethoven's Symphony No. 9 under the baton of Milton Katims.

Now at this point, you must understand two things:

There's a quite long segment in this symphony where the basses don't have a thing to do. Not a single note for page after page.
There used to be a tavern called Dez's 400, right across the street from the Seattle Opera House, rather favored by local musicians.

It had been decided that during this performance, once the bass players had played their parts in the opening of the symphony, they were to quietly lay down their instruments and leave the stage, rather than sit on thier stools looking and feeling dumb for twenty minutes. Once they got backstage, someone suggested that they trot across the street and quaff a few brews.

When they got there, a European nobleman recognized that they were musicians, and bought them several rounds of drinks. Two of the bassists passed out, and the rest of the section, not to mention the nobleman, were rather drunk. Finally, one of them looked at his watch and exclaimed, "Look at the time! We'll be late!"

The remaining bassists tried in vain to wake up their section mates, but finally those who were still conscious had to give up and run across the street to the Opera House.

While they were on their way in, the bassist who suggested this excursion in the first place said, "I think we'll still have enough time--I anticipated that something like this could happen, so I tied a string around the last pages of the score. When he gets down to there, Milton's going to have to slow the tempo way down while he waves the baton with one hand and fumbles with the string with the other."

Sure enough, when they got back to the stage they hadn't missed their entrance, but one look at their conductor's face told them they were still in serious trouble. Katims was furious! After all...

It was the bottom of the Ninth,
the basses were loaded,
the score was tied,
there were two men out,
and the Count was full.

 

That's really good.

 

What do you call a zoo containing only small dogs ?

A shih tzu

 

I am sure there is a terrible pun thread around here somewhere.

 

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.
The waitress asks them for their orders.

The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and

turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"

"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order.

"That will be $9.40 please." The man reaches into his pocket and

pulls out the exact change for payment.



The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and

the man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke."

The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."



Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again.

"The usual asks the waitress?"



"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato

and a salad," says the man.

"Same," says the ostrich.



Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62."

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and

places it on the table.



The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer.

"Excuse me, sir.

How do you manage to always come up with the exact change

in your pocket every time?"



"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and

found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered

me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything,

I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money

would always be there."



"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would ask for a

million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want

for as long as you live!"



"That's right…Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce,

the exact money is always there," says the man.

The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?"



The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick

with a big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I say.."

 

I thought genies gave three?

 

Hey, bad economic times hits everyone...

 

I Like Your Thinking
A teacher asks her class: “If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?”

She calls on little Johnny. He replies, ”None, they all fly away with the first gun shot”

The teacher replies: “The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.”

Then Little Johnny says: “I have a question for you. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?”

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied: “Well I suppose the one that’s gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.”

To which Little Johnny replied: “The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on, but I like your thinking.”

 

There are so many different variations on that joke.

 

Q: What is a pirate's favorite letter
A: Aaaaarrrr!

Punchline: You'd think it'd be "Aaaarrrr!" but its the "Sea"

 

What's a pirate's favorite element?

Spoiler :

Arrrrrrgon?

Spoiler :

Nope, gold.

 

Mine is from my 4 yr old son. Your's is the highschool equvilent!!

 

This is totally awesome, so true. Lol