2 men sit in the doctor's waiting room.
"So, what do you have?"
"Red rings around my... you know... around my Johnson."
"What a coincidence, me too".
So the first guy is called in and comes out after one minute. He smiles and says "no worries mate, you'll be al-right".
Second guy goes in. The doctor takes a long and good look at the problem looks into a few books and proclaims "6 months absolutely no sex, you have to use this cream daily in that period so we can hopefully prevent an amputation".
"AMPUTATION!? But the other guy also had red rings and said no worries!!"
"That's true" says the doctor "but with you, it's not lipstick".
After digging to depth of 100 metres, Russian scientists announced they had found traces of copper wire dating back at least 1000 years and concluded that their ancestors must have already had a telephone network 1000 years ago.
Not to be outdone, American scientists announced they had dug 200 metres and found races of 2000 year old optical fibre, concluding that their ancestors already had high tech fibre telephone networks at least 1000 years before the Russians.
Meanwhile in Belgium, scientists dug to a depth of 300 metre and found absolutely nothing. Therefore they concluded that 3000 years ago, their Belgian ancestors had already gone wireless.
A woman gets on a bus with her child.
The bus driver says: "That's the ugliest child I've ever seen. Ugh!"
The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!"
The man says: "You go right up there and tell him off – I'll hold your monkey for you."
A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?”
The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard.
The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?“
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. “Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”
“I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes” replies Watson.
“And what do you deduce from that?”
Watson ponders for a minute. “Well...
Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.
Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.
Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
But what does it tell you, Holmes?”
Holmes is silent for a moment.
“Watson, you idiot!” he says. “Someone has stolen our tent!”
A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.
His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.”
The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”
When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300°C.
The Russians used a pencil.
A turtle was walking down an alley in New York when he was mugged by a gang of snails. A police detective came to investigate and asked the turtle if he could explain what happened.
The turtle looked at the detective with a confused look on his face and replied
“I don't know, it all happened so fast.”
2 men are on safari in Africa, when all of a sudden a raging hippo goes chasing after them.
One of the guys goes getting his running shoes.
"wow man, do you think you can outrun the hippo with those shoes?!"
"no, but that's not the point, I want to outrun you."
I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather.
Not screaming in terror like his passengers.
A man had 50 yard line tickets for the Super Bowl.
As he sat down, he noticed that the seat next to him was empty.
He asked the man on the other side of the empty seat whether anyone was sitting there.
"No," the man replied, "The seat is empty."
"This is incredible," said the first man.
"Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Super Bowl, the biggest sporting event in the world and not use it?"
The second man replied, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This will be the first Super bowl we haven't been together since we got married in 1967."
"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else -- a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?"
"No" said the man. "They are all at the funeral."
A guy dies and is sent to Hell.
Satan meets him, shows him doors to three rooms, and says he must choose one to spend eternity in. In the first room, people are standing in up to their necks. The guy says "no, let me see the next room."
In the second room, people are standing with up to their noses. Guy says no again.
Finally, Satan opens the door to the third room. People are standing with up to their knees, drinking coffee and eating danish pastries. The guy says, "I pick this room."
Satan says okay and starts to leave, and the guy wades in and starts pouring some coffee. On the way out Satan yells, "O.K., coffee break's over. Everyone back on your heads!"
A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can. Three years later, there’s a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says "What the hell was that all about?"
I went to the psychiatrist, and he says "You're crazy."
I tell him I want a second opinion.
He says, "Okay, you're ugly too!"
Moderator Action: Warning for multiple (14) sequential posts, post merged
Please read the forum rules: http://forums.civfanatics.com/showthread.php?t=422889
"So, what do you have?"
"Red rings around my... you know... around my Johnson."
"What a coincidence, me too".
So the first guy is called in and comes out after one minute. He smiles and says "no worries mate, you'll be al-right".
Second guy goes in. The doctor takes a long and good look at the problem looks into a few books and proclaims "6 months absolutely no sex, you have to use this cream daily in that period so we can hopefully prevent an amputation".
"AMPUTATION!? But the other guy also had red rings and said no worries!!"
"That's true" says the doctor "but with you, it's not lipstick".
After digging to depth of 100 metres, Russian scientists announced they had found traces of copper wire dating back at least 1000 years and concluded that their ancestors must have already had a telephone network 1000 years ago.
Not to be outdone, American scientists announced they had dug 200 metres and found races of 2000 year old optical fibre, concluding that their ancestors already had high tech fibre telephone networks at least 1000 years before the Russians.
Meanwhile in Belgium, scientists dug to a depth of 300 metre and found absolutely nothing. Therefore they concluded that 3000 years ago, their Belgian ancestors had already gone wireless.
A woman gets on a bus with her child.
The bus driver says: "That's the ugliest child I've ever seen. Ugh!"
The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!"
The man says: "You go right up there and tell him off – I'll hold your monkey for you."
A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?”
The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard.
The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?“
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. “Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”
“I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes” replies Watson.
“And what do you deduce from that?”
Watson ponders for a minute. “Well...
Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.
Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.
Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
But what does it tell you, Holmes?”
Holmes is silent for a moment.
“Watson, you idiot!” he says. “Someone has stolen our tent!”
A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.
His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.”
The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”
When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300°C.
The Russians used a pencil.
A turtle was walking down an alley in New York when he was mugged by a gang of snails. A police detective came to investigate and asked the turtle if he could explain what happened.
The turtle looked at the detective with a confused look on his face and replied
“I don't know, it all happened so fast.”
2 men are on safari in Africa, when all of a sudden a raging hippo goes chasing after them.
One of the guys goes getting his running shoes.
"wow man, do you think you can outrun the hippo with those shoes?!"
"no, but that's not the point, I want to outrun you."
I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather.
Not screaming in terror like his passengers.
A man had 50 yard line tickets for the Super Bowl.
As he sat down, he noticed that the seat next to him was empty.
He asked the man on the other side of the empty seat whether anyone was sitting there.
"No," the man replied, "The seat is empty."
"This is incredible," said the first man.
"Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Super Bowl, the biggest sporting event in the world and not use it?"
The second man replied, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This will be the first Super bowl we haven't been together since we got married in 1967."
"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else -- a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?"
"No" said the man. "They are all at the funeral."
A guy dies and is sent to Hell.
Satan meets him, shows him doors to three rooms, and says he must choose one to spend eternity in. In the first room, people are standing in up to their necks. The guy says "no, let me see the next room."
In the second room, people are standing with up to their noses. Guy says no again.
Finally, Satan opens the door to the third room. People are standing with up to their knees, drinking coffee and eating danish pastries. The guy says, "I pick this room."
Satan says okay and starts to leave, and the guy wades in and starts pouring some coffee. On the way out Satan yells, "O.K., coffee break's over. Everyone back on your heads!"
A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can. Three years later, there’s a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says "What the hell was that all about?"
I went to the psychiatrist, and he says "You're crazy."
I tell him I want a second opinion.
He says, "Okay, you're ugly too!"
Moderator Action: Warning for multiple (14) sequential posts, post merged
Please read the forum rules: http://forums.civfanatics.com/showthread.php?t=422889
