#~~ The HEhe HAha Joke Thread ~~#
- Thread starter Abaddon
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Mine was in 1986 by some dude named Mkele Mbembe. 
GoodSarmatian
Jokerfied Western Male
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OK, I didn't read all 15 pages, so I'll just hope this one hasn't been posted yet.
Hitler and some soldiers are driving around the countryside to see how things are going and their jeep hits a pig.
Hitler says "Don't worry, I am the Führer, the people love me. I'll tell them it was an accident and they will understand." He walks away to the next house to tell the people the pig is dead, but soon comes running to the jeeps, after him the enraged farmer with a fork. He jumps into the car and they drive away.
In the next village the driver hits another pig. This time Hitler sends one of the soldiers with a gun to the nearest house.
Time passes, there is some singing and laughter in the house and about two hours later the soldier comes back. He has lipstick on his cheeks, carries a basket with eggs and fruit and it looks like he's drunk.
"What's this ? You bring them bad news and they start celebrating and give you gifts ? What did you tell them ?"
The soldier replies: "I just walked in and said 'Heil Hitler, we killed the pig'"
Hitler and some soldiers are driving around the countryside to see how things are going and their jeep hits a pig.
Hitler says "Don't worry, I am the Führer, the people love me. I'll tell them it was an accident and they will understand." He walks away to the next house to tell the people the pig is dead, but soon comes running to the jeeps, after him the enraged farmer with a fork. He jumps into the car and they drive away.
In the next village the driver hits another pig. This time Hitler sends one of the soldiers with a gun to the nearest house.
Time passes, there is some singing and laughter in the house and about two hours later the soldier comes back. He has lipstick on his cheeks, carries a basket with eggs and fruit and it looks like he's drunk.
"What's this ? You bring them bad news and they start celebrating and give you gifts ? What did you tell them ?"
The soldier replies: "I just walked in and said 'Heil Hitler, we killed the pig'"
Sophie 378
Avvie by ybbor
Where do the police live?
Why did the antelope?
Spoiler :
Why did the antelope?
Spoiler :
Mewtarthio
Emperor
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What's the difference between free-range chicken and a firing range?
***
One day, a man was reading in a library when suddenly, out of the blue, a total stranger walked up to him.
"Hi," said the stranger, trembling, "I'm Bob."
"What are you doing?" asked the man, "I'm trying to read!"
"Won't you tell me your name?" asked Bob.
"Fine, I'm William, now go away!" Bob responded by screaming in joy and hugging William. "What's wrong with you?!" demanded the nonplussed William.
"I-I'm sorry," stammered Bob through tears of joy, "It's just that, as of right now, I know every single adult human in the world!"
William paused. Clearly this man was crazy. "Okay..." began William, but he was suddenly interrupted by the librarian:
"Bob, be a little quieter; people are trying to read," whispered the librarian.
"Sorry," said Bob, "I just met William, and that means I know everyone, so I was a little excited."
"Really?" asked the librarian, "That's great!"
William decided to escape that nut house and slipped away, only to be followed by Bob, who had decided to become William's best friend.
William walked on and did his best to ignore Bob, but it was difficult with all the cries of "Hi, Bob" coming from every jogger, taxi driver, and homeless bum on the road. Eventally, he could take it no more, and wheeled to face Bob.
"All right!" he exclaimed, "so you know a lot of people in New York! Big deal! You can't possibly know everyone in the world!"
Bob paused. "A lot of people say that to me, but it's true. Name anyone, and I'll prove I know him."
"Fine," muttered William, "let's see how well you know these people..." He ran to a newsstand and bought a phone book. Quickly, he looked of the number of the nearest asylum. "Hello, I've got this guy named Bob following-"
"You have Bob there?" asked the voice on the other line, "Can I talk to him?"
William confidently handed the phone over to Bob, silently blessing his luck at reaching the man's caretaker. As Bob talked, however, William noticed that he didn't seem to be talking to a psychiatrist. In fact, Bob was talking as though he were engaging in simple small talk. Eventually, with a jovial "See you later," he handed the phone back to William. "That was easy. Convinced?"
William was not convinced. "If you know everyone, then you must even know crazy guys like Kim Jong Il."
Wordlessly, Bob took William's phone back and dialed. "Hey, Kimmy! How's things?... Yeah, it's been way too long... What's that?... I dunno... That would be around the time of our last visit, right?... Hang on, lemme check..." With that, Bob rummaged around in his cargo pants before removing a large brown envelope labelled "TAEPODONG." "Here it is!... Sorry about that... Was it important?..."
William snatched the phone away from Bob furiously. "You expect me to fall for some cheap stunt like that!?" he demanded.
"Stop yelling at Bob!" screamed a passing jogger.
"Is there any way I can convince you?" asked Bob.
"Yes," said William. "If you really know everyone, I want you to take me to the Pope. In person."
"Sure thing!" said Bob.
William's confidence wavered slightly when the airline employees were happy to give their "good friend" free first class tickets to Rome, but there was no going back. They reached the Vatican Wednesday morning. William demanded that Bob take him to the Pope immediately, but the two were stopped by a Swiss Guardsman.
"What are you doing?!" he demanded. "Hi, Bob."
"I'm here to visit Joe," said Bob.
"Sure, he got your call. Go right in." William stepped forward. "Hey! Where do you think you're going?"
"I'm with him," said William, anxious to see this "Joe."
"You can't come in here. I don't trust you," replied the Swiss Guardsman.
"Sorry, Billy," said Bob, "but you'll have to do what he says. I'll meet you in Saint Peter's Square."
Alright, thought William as he headed towards the Square, this guy obviously knows a Swiss Guardsman and some guy named "Joe." So what? It's not like he could possibly know the real Pope. He worked his way through the crowd in the square. He's pretty clever, I'll grant him, but there's no way he'll ever-- William was startled from his reverie by a voice on a loudspeaker system announcing "amici mei, Bob!"
William looked up, stunned. There, in front of the crowd, were Pope Benedict XVI and Bob. William gazed in awe for several full seconds until he was startled out by a man next to him whispering, "Hey, who's that wierd guy sitting next to Bob?"
Spoiler :
***
One day, a man was reading in a library when suddenly, out of the blue, a total stranger walked up to him.
"Hi," said the stranger, trembling, "I'm Bob."
"What are you doing?" asked the man, "I'm trying to read!"
"Won't you tell me your name?" asked Bob.
"Fine, I'm William, now go away!" Bob responded by screaming in joy and hugging William. "What's wrong with you?!" demanded the nonplussed William.
"I-I'm sorry," stammered Bob through tears of joy, "It's just that, as of right now, I know every single adult human in the world!"
William paused. Clearly this man was crazy. "Okay..." began William, but he was suddenly interrupted by the librarian:
"Bob, be a little quieter; people are trying to read," whispered the librarian.
"Sorry," said Bob, "I just met William, and that means I know everyone, so I was a little excited."
"Really?" asked the librarian, "That's great!"
William decided to escape that nut house and slipped away, only to be followed by Bob, who had decided to become William's best friend.
William walked on and did his best to ignore Bob, but it was difficult with all the cries of "Hi, Bob" coming from every jogger, taxi driver, and homeless bum on the road. Eventally, he could take it no more, and wheeled to face Bob.
"All right!" he exclaimed, "so you know a lot of people in New York! Big deal! You can't possibly know everyone in the world!"
Bob paused. "A lot of people say that to me, but it's true. Name anyone, and I'll prove I know him."
"Fine," muttered William, "let's see how well you know these people..." He ran to a newsstand and bought a phone book. Quickly, he looked of the number of the nearest asylum. "Hello, I've got this guy named Bob following-"
"You have Bob there?" asked the voice on the other line, "Can I talk to him?"
William confidently handed the phone over to Bob, silently blessing his luck at reaching the man's caretaker. As Bob talked, however, William noticed that he didn't seem to be talking to a psychiatrist. In fact, Bob was talking as though he were engaging in simple small talk. Eventually, with a jovial "See you later," he handed the phone back to William. "That was easy. Convinced?"
William was not convinced. "If you know everyone, then you must even know crazy guys like Kim Jong Il."
Wordlessly, Bob took William's phone back and dialed. "Hey, Kimmy! How's things?... Yeah, it's been way too long... What's that?... I dunno... That would be around the time of our last visit, right?... Hang on, lemme check..." With that, Bob rummaged around in his cargo pants before removing a large brown envelope labelled "TAEPODONG." "Here it is!... Sorry about that... Was it important?..."
William snatched the phone away from Bob furiously. "You expect me to fall for some cheap stunt like that!?" he demanded.
"Stop yelling at Bob!" screamed a passing jogger.
"Is there any way I can convince you?" asked Bob.
"Yes," said William. "If you really know everyone, I want you to take me to the Pope. In person."
"Sure thing!" said Bob.
William's confidence wavered slightly when the airline employees were happy to give their "good friend" free first class tickets to Rome, but there was no going back. They reached the Vatican Wednesday morning. William demanded that Bob take him to the Pope immediately, but the two were stopped by a Swiss Guardsman.
"What are you doing?!" he demanded. "Hi, Bob."
"I'm here to visit Joe," said Bob.
"Sure, he got your call. Go right in." William stepped forward. "Hey! Where do you think you're going?"
"I'm with him," said William, anxious to see this "Joe."
"You can't come in here. I don't trust you," replied the Swiss Guardsman.
"Sorry, Billy," said Bob, "but you'll have to do what he says. I'll meet you in Saint Peter's Square."
Alright, thought William as he headed towards the Square, this guy obviously knows a Swiss Guardsman and some guy named "Joe." So what? It's not like he could possibly know the real Pope. He worked his way through the crowd in the square. He's pretty clever, I'll grant him, but there's no way he'll ever-- William was startled from his reverie by a voice on a loudspeaker system announcing "amici mei, Bob!"
William looked up, stunned. There, in front of the crowd, were Pope Benedict XVI and Bob. William gazed in awe for several full seconds until he was startled out by a man next to him whispering, "Hey, who's that wierd guy sitting next to Bob?"
Bush is being breifed by his advisors. One advisor says, "Three Brazilian soldiers were killed today." Bush says, "Oh, no, that is terrible, what are we going to do?" The advisor says, "Why are you reacting so strongly to this?"
A batch of muffins were being baked. One muffin says, "Man, it's hot in here."
Spoiler the punch line :
A batch of muffins were being baked. One muffin says, "Man, it's hot in here."
Spoiler the punch line :
salty mud
Deity
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates.
"In honour of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle", he said.
"You may pass through the Pearly Gates", Saint Peter said.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells."
Saint Peter said, "You may pass through the Pearly Gates."
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's underwear.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"
The man replied, "They're Carols."
Quite a rude one, read at your own risk!!!
"In honour of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle", he said.
"You may pass through the Pearly Gates", Saint Peter said.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells."
Saint Peter said, "You may pass through the Pearly Gates."
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's underwear.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"
The man replied, "They're Carols."
Quite a rude one, read at your own risk!!!
Spoiler :
This joke is based off of a very old Spanish short story, written during the Arab occupation, in which a man kills every animal in his house on his wedding night.
A few of these have been posted before, but it is all about the context. One day I said these to my friend:
Q: Why was Helen Keller a bad driver?
A: Because she was a woman.
Q: A man in a car strikes a woman pedestrian. Who is at fault?
A: The man, for driving into a kitchen.
Q: A man in a car collides with a woman in a car. Who was at fault?
A: The woman, for being out of the kitchen.
Q: Why don't women wear watches?
A: The oven has a clock.
Q: How is a woman in power like an orangutan on a unicycle?
A: You don't how how they got there, and you know they aren't going to last long, but in the meantime it is quite funny to watch.
The best was, he told his lesbian feminist mother that I had told him all these jokes. She told this to me, and after letting me feel very awkward for a moment, told me she thought they were all hilarious. She knew I was kidding, of course.
classical_hero
In whom I trust
Sexist jokes are some of the best.A young engineer is hired by an oil copmpany and sent off to an oilfield in the middle of the Sahara desert. The foreman is sent to pick him up at the next airstrip and take him ot the camp at the oilfield.
As the foreman knows that getting used to a new workplace is sometimes difficult, especially to one so different from urban and university life, he uses the drive to the field to explain the ground rules to the aoung man.
'So, work is hard, and we work Monday through Friday from 4 a.m. to 10 p.m., 5 p.m. on Fridays. Then, every Friday, a large truck with beer and whiskey comes from the next village an...
'I don't drink!' the young man interrupts him.
'Oh, OK; well, Saturday evening, a truck with loads of hot girls arrives from the next village, and...'
Again he is interrupted: 'I don't whore around either!'
'Oh, well, erhm. Yeah, hm. Are you by any chance gay?'
'What? Hell no!'
'Hm, you ain't gonna have fun on Sundays either......'
As the foreman knows that getting used to a new workplace is sometimes difficult, especially to one so different from urban and university life, he uses the drive to the field to explain the ground rules to the aoung man.
'So, work is hard, and we work Monday through Friday from 4 a.m. to 10 p.m., 5 p.m. on Fridays. Then, every Friday, a large truck with beer and whiskey comes from the next village an...
'I don't drink!' the young man interrupts him.
'Oh, OK; well, Saturday evening, a truck with loads of hot girls arrives from the next village, and...'
Again he is interrupted: 'I don't whore around either!'
'Oh, well, erhm. Yeah, hm. Are you by any chance gay?'
'What? Hell no!'
'Hm, you ain't gonna have fun on Sundays either......'
Narz
keeping it real
heh heh 
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
...not really a joke but what the heck.
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
...not really a joke but what the heck.
steviejay
Now in Black and White!!
Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched with horror as her ball headed directly towards a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of them and he immediately fell to the ground clutching his hands together in his groin, and rolled around in obvious agony. The woman rushed over and immediately began to apologize "Please allow me to help, I'm a Physiotherapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'll allow me" she told him. "Oh no I'll be alright, I'll be fine in a few minutes" the man replied, still lying in the foetal position, still clasping his hands together at his groin. Following her persistence however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them at his sides; she loosened his trousers and put her hand inside. She administered tender and skilful massage for several long moments and then asked "How does that feel?" He replied "It feels fabulous, but my thumb still hurts like hell"!
salty mud
Deity
steviejay said:
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! That was funny.
@carlosMM: that was great.
thankx Eran!
Two guys want to go and have a real binge - but they are broke. So one suggests to buy a sausage. 'A what?' - 'A sausage! We'll do this: we go into a bar, order our beers, drink them, then you get down on your knees, I hold the sausage in front of my zipper and you suck it.'
Done.
First bar they get kicked out immediately, without anyone remebering that they haven't paid yet.
Also in the second bar.
And the third.
'****ing gays!' is the sentiment, and they are told to leave ASAP or else.
So after the 15th bar the 'sucker' goes 'Oh man, I d....don' sink I can neel down wissout pukin! *hicks*'
'No matter, I lost the sausage 5 bars ago!'..............
Two guys want to go and have a real binge - but they are broke. So one suggests to buy a sausage. 'A what?' - 'A sausage! We'll do this: we go into a bar, order our beers, drink them, then you get down on your knees, I hold the sausage in front of my zipper and you suck it.'
Done.
First bar they get kicked out immediately, without anyone remebering that they haven't paid yet.
Also in the second bar.
And the third.
'****ing gays!' is the sentiment, and they are told to leave ASAP or else.
So after the 15th bar the 'sucker' goes 'Oh man, I d....don' sink I can neel down wissout pukin! *hicks*'
'No matter, I lost the sausage 5 bars ago!'..............
salty mud
Deity
did you hear about the fight in the fish shop? The fish got battered!!
classical_hero
In whom I trust
You are arrested for assult and battery. That was terrible that joke.
salty mud
Deity
classical_hero said:
I know...
A couple Mitch Hedberg one liners, hope nobody's already posted them:
-My fake plants died because I didn't pretend to water them.
-I had a parrot. It talked. But it didn't say "I'm Hungry," so it died.
-"Weee!" That's what you say when you're having fun. You refer to yourself and some other people.
-"Mitch, what will you be doing five years from now?" "Celebrating the five year anniversary of you asking me this question!"
-I want to make a vending machine that sells vending machines. It'd have to be real #@$%ing big.
-My fake plants died because I didn't pretend to water them.
-I had a parrot. It talked. But it didn't say "I'm Hungry," so it died.
-"Weee!" That's what you say when you're having fun. You refer to yourself and some other people.
-"Mitch, what will you be doing five years from now?" "Celebrating the five year anniversary of you asking me this question!"
-I want to make a vending machine that sells vending machines. It'd have to be real #@$%ing big.
Love
Deity
Ok i think this joke hasent been written, anyway there was a man, let's call him Harry, he had a dick that was 60 centimetres long, he went to the doctor.
Doctor:Hmm this looks intresting, but i cant do anything, but it is one that can do it smaller.
Harry:Ok, who?
Docktor:A whitch that i call mary can do something about this...
So Harry went to Mary the witch and asked what she could do about it.
Mary:Oh, that was a big one!
Harry: (...)
Mary:but i cant do something aboud it.
Harry:Who, who? But please dont say its a deam frog or something!
Mary:it is!
harry:Whatta ****!
Mary:Yeah it is. It lives in the swamp out there and it have magical power, ask it if you could marry him and he say no an your dick will be ten centimetres shorter.
Harry:Ok thanks!
So harry went to the swamp and finded the frog.
Frog:What will you?
Harry:Will you marry me?
Frog:No!
And Harrys dick get smaller.
Harry:Will you marry me?
Frog:NO!!
Harrys dick is 40 centimetres short now
Harry:Will you marry me?
Frog:How many times shall a say that, no,no,no, and again no!
Doctor:Hmm this looks intresting, but i cant do anything, but it is one that can do it smaller.
Harry:Ok, who?
Docktor:A whitch that i call mary can do something about this...
So Harry went to Mary the witch and asked what she could do about it.
Mary:Oh, that was a big one!
Harry: (...)
Mary:but i cant do something aboud it.
Harry:Who, who? But please dont say its a deam frog or something!
Mary:it is!
harry:Whatta ****!
Mary:Yeah it is. It lives in the swamp out there and it have magical power, ask it if you could marry him and he say no an your dick will be ten centimetres shorter.
Harry:Ok thanks!
So harry went to the swamp and finded the frog.
Frog:What will you?
Harry:Will you marry me?
Frog:No!
And Harrys dick get smaller.
Harry:Will you marry me?
Frog:NO!!
Harrys dick is 40 centimetres short now
Harry:Will you marry me?
Frog:How many times shall a say that, no,no,no, and again no!
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