#~~ The HEhe HAha Joke Thread ~~#

[C~G]

skadistic

Though you do realize, that celibate is spelled with an 'i' , right? So it would be two transcription errors, not one...

It also can be written with "e".

 

[Swedishguy]

What's the shortest ghost-story in the world?
''Boh!''

HEhe HAha

 

[ggganz]

I thought this was the "HEhe HAha joke thread", not the "BLAHblah DUHduh lame thread".

 

[salty mud]

^ Good joke!



This is chronically bad:

What waves do small beaches get? MICROWAVES.

 

[classical_hero]

What do you get when you add a stick of dinamite to egg whites?

A Boom-Meringue.

Yes I know this joke is lame, but this is quality of jokes with Christmas crackers.

 

[ggganz]

What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rino?

Spoiler :

El-eph-i-no (Hell if I know).

 

[Berrie]

-Taoism: sh!t happens.
-Buddism: sh!t happens because of desire.
-Zen: What is the sound of sh!t happening?
-Confusianism: Confusius says: "sh!t happens."
-Islam: If sh!t happens, it's because Allah willed it.
-Catholism: If sh!t happens, it's because you deserve it.
-Protestantism: sh!t happens because we're being punished.
-Hinduism: This sh!t happened before.
-Judaism: Why does sh!t always happen to us?
-Christian Science: There is no sh!t.
-Exhistenitalism: sh!t happens & then you die.
-New Agers: You needed to have this sh!t in your life. Learn the lesson it has to teach. Now visualize it away.
-Quadrinity Process: sh!t happens, re-cycle it.
-Rastafarianism: Let's smoke this sh!t!

 

[Swedishguy]

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says:
''Why such a long face?''

 

[skadistic]

Three Rednecks were working up on a cell phone tower -Cooter, Pete
and KC.
As they start their descent Cooter slips, falls off the tower and
is killed instantly.

As the ambulance takes the body away, Pete says, "Well, damn,
someone should go and tell his wife."

KC says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do
it."

Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Budweiser.
Pete says, "Where did you get that beer, KC?"
"Cooter's wife gave it to me," KC replies.

"That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and
she gave you beer?"

Well, not exactly", KC says. "When she answered the door, I said
to her, You must be Cooter's widow'."

She said, "You must be mistaken, I'm not a widow."....then I said
"I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are."

Rednecks Are Good At Sensitive Stuff.

 

[FriendlyFire]

HA HA HA HA HA HAAAA!
---------------------

A defense attorney was cross-examining a Chicago police officer
during a felony trial -- it went like this:

Q. Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?
A. No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the
description of the offender running several blocks away.

Q. Officer, who provided this description?
A. The officer who responded to the scene.

Q. A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called
offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?
A. Yes sir, with my life.

Q. With your life? Let me ask you this then officer -- do you
have a locker room in the police station -- a room where you
change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?
A. Yes sir, we do.

Q. And do you have a locker in that room?
A. Yes sir, I do.

Q. And do you have a lock on your locker?
A. Yes sir.

Q. Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers
with your life, that you find it necessary to lock your locker
in a room you share with those same officers?
A. You see sir, we share the building with a court complex,
and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through
that room.

With that, the courtroom erupted in laughter, and a prompt
recess was called.

laywer was questioning a coroner:

laywer: How can you be certain that the victim is dead ?
Cornor: Because He had no pulse and was not breathing
laywer: but isnt there a possibility he could be alive ?
Cornor: no because I performed an autopsy on the corpse
laywer: but maybe there a slight possibility he could be alive ?
Cornor: no a full autopsy was performed including breaking the chest and removal of internal organs
laywer: But is it possible ?
Cornor: Nooo because I removed he brain and it is sitting in a jar
laywer: But is there a possiblilty ?
Cornor: Yes yes there is he could be alive and is practicing as a lawyer.

 

[Ansar]

. The liberated couple went to the nude beach with their grade school age son.
After a little while he ran up to his mother and said "mommy! mommy! all the ladies here have bigger boobies than you". she says "well, son the bigger the dumber"
after a while he returns and says "mommy! mommy! all the men have bigger ding-a-lings than daddy!" she says "well son, the bigger, the dumber"
. he comes back a third time and says
"mommy! mommy! daddy is talking to the dumbest lady you ever saw, and the more he talks to her, the DUMBER HE GET/S!'

 

[Gr3yL3gion]

Once upon a time in Singapore, there lived a happy couple, Mr & Mrs Ng with
their 3 lovely daughters; Elaine, Ena & Ella.

The 3 daughters were brought up in a prim-and-proper way and when they
reached 20, they were still virgins.

Years passed, and it was time to get them married. So, the parents found
them the most suitable handsome guys. They got married and were preparing to
set-off on their honeymoon.

As 'concerned' parents, Mr & Mrs Ng were curious about their daughters'
first-night experience. So, before the daughters went on their respective
honeymoons, Mrs Ng told them,"Your father and I want to know about your 1st
night encounters and whether you are satisfied. Write a letter to us, but as
not to raise your husbands' curiosity, you all must use a code-name to
describe your experiences".

So, the excited daughters were off.

A week passed. Mr & Mrs Ng got the first letter. It was from Elaine.
They opened the letter and found the word STANDARD CHARTERED.
They immediately took the newspaper and looked for the Standard Chartered
advertisement.
"Ah! here it is!", exclaimed Mr Ng.

The motto for Standard Chartered was...."BIG, STRONG & FRIENDLY".Mr & Mrs Ng were happy.

A week later, they got another letter. This time it was from Ena. The
content was simple. "NESCAFE".
So, again they took the neswpaper and looked for the Nescafe ad.

"Ah! here it is. 'NESCAFE: PLEASURE TILL THE LAST DROP".
Mr & Mrs Ng jumped in joy.

Another week passed.
A month passed.
And another.
There was still no letter from Ella.
The Ngs became worried.
Finally, the letter came.
It was scribbled and could hardly be read but Mrs Ng managed to figure it
out.
The code-name was "SINGAPORE AIRLINES".
Why Singapore Airlines?

Mr Ng rushed to the nearest store and got a newspaper.
He flipped the pages frantically. "Ah! Here it is!"
Mrs Ng grabbed the page and read aloud.
Before she could finish ....THUMP!!!...she fell off her chair.

The motto was .... "7 DAYS A WEEK. 4 TO 6 TIMES A DAY. NON-STOP".

 

[Swedishguy]

Once upon a time in Singapore, there lived a happy couple, Mr & Mrs Ng with
their 3 lovely daughters; Elaine, Ena & Ella.

The 3 daughters were brought up in a prim-and-proper way and when they
reached 20, they were still virgins.

Years passed, and it was time to get them married. So, the parents found
them the most suitable handsome guys. They got married and were preparing to
set-off on their honeymoon.

As 'concerned' parents, Mr & Mrs Ng were curious about their daughters'
first-night experience. So, before the daughters went on their respective
honeymoons, Mrs Ng told them,"Your father and I want to know about your 1st
night encounters and whether you are satisfied. Write a letter to us, but as
not to raise your husbands' curiosity, you all must use a code-name to
describe your experiences".

So, the excited daughters were off.

A week passed. Mr & Mrs Ng got the first letter. It was from Elaine.
They opened the letter and found the word STANDARD CHARTERED.
They immediately took the newspaper and looked for the Standard Chartered
advertisement.
"Ah! here it is!", exclaimed Mr Ng.

The motto for Standard Chartered was...."BIG, STRONG & FRIENDLY".Mr & Mrs Ng were happy.

A week later, they got another letter. This time it was from Ena. The
content was simple. "NESCAFE".
So, again they took the neswpaper and looked for the Nescafe ad.

"Ah! here it is. 'NESCAFE: PLEASURE TILL THE LAST DROP".
Mr & Mrs Ng jumped in joy.

Another week passed.
A month passed.
And another.
There was still no letter from Ella.
The Ngs became worried.
Finally, the letter came.
It was scribbled and could hardly be read but Mrs Ng managed to figure it
out.
The code-name was "SINGAPORE AIRLINES".
Why Singapore Airlines?

Mr Ng rushed to the nearest store and got a newspaper.
He flipped the pages frantically. "Ah! Here it is!"
Mrs Ng grabbed the page and read aloud.
Before she could finish ....THUMP!!!...she fell off her chair.

The motto was .... "7 DAYS A WEEK. 4 TO 6 TIMES A DAY. NON-STOP".

Ah, I've read that dirty joke in the book "Gert's FredagsFräckisar"!

 

[Gr3yL3gion]

Apparently it got localized, lol.

Here's another one.

______________________________________________________________
How to Treat a Rude Customer

An award should go to the gate attendant at Luqa airport. A crowded
Malta-London flight was cancelled. She was the lone attendant in charge of
re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry
passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the
counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it HAS to be FIRST
CLASS".

The attendant replied, "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help you,
but I've got to help these people first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work
something out." The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the
passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"

Without hesitating, the attendant smiled and grabbed her public address
microphone: May I have your attention please? May I have your attention
please?" she began. With her voice being heard clearly throughout the
terminal, she said, "We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW
WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Gate
14."
With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically,
the man glared at the attendant, gritted his teeth and
said, "F... You!" Without flinching, she smiled and said,
"I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to get in line for that
too."

 

[Hitti-Litti]

That was evil!

 

[ggganz]

Knock Knock.
Who's there?
The interrupting cow.
The interru-?
Moo.

 

[Love]

^ bad!

 

[Judge_Deadd]

A farmer is sitting in his house. Suddenly he hears someone shout from the outside:
"Hey, farmer! Do you need any firewood?"
"No" the farmer replies.
The next day, the farmer wakes up and sees that his firewood is missing.

 

[sabo]

Little Timmy comes home and tells his Dad, "Dad I got an F in Math today"
Dad: "How did you get an F?"
Timmy "The teacher asked me what 2 x 3 is and I sad 6"
Dad: "But that's absolutely correct!"
Timmy: "Then she asked me what 3 x 2 is"
Dad: "WTH is the difference?"
Timmy: "That's what I said!"

 

[Hitti-Litti]

Little Timmy was in the 3rd grade. He loved to play soccer. When they got their grades in the end of the 3rd grade, Timmy ran to home and said happily:

"I lenghtened my contract at 3rd grade by a year!"