Sophie 378
Avvie by ybbor
Two paint tankers, one carrying red paint and one carrying purple paint, collide.
The sailors were marooned.
PS I'm a pun addict.
The sailors were marooned.
PS I'm a pun addict.
#~~ The HEhe HAha Joke Thread ~~#
- Thread starter Abaddon
- Start date
- Status
Mildly funny. Makes you wanna groan.
WildWeazel
Carthago Creanda Est
classical_hero said:
that's great
Sophie 378
Avvie by ybbor
What happened to the rhubarb thief?
He was taken into custardy.
------
Where does a general keep his armies?
In his sleevies.
------
Two thieves fell into a concrete mixer.
Police are looking for hardened criminals.
------
If you want to get really stoned - drink wet cement.
------
Why aren't jokes childish?
Because they're "groan-up".
------
Why should you whisper jokes?
Because they aren't "allowed".
------
Did you hear about the thief who hid in a laundry basket?
The policeman said, "you're under a-vest".
------
What did the cross-eyed teacher with a naughty class say?
"I can't control my pupils."
He was taken into custardy.
------
Where does a general keep his armies?
In his sleevies.
------
Two thieves fell into a concrete mixer.
Police are looking for hardened criminals.
------
If you want to get really stoned - drink wet cement.
------
Why aren't jokes childish?
Because they're "groan-up".
------
Why should you whisper jokes?
Because they aren't "allowed".
------
Did you hear about the thief who hid in a laundry basket?
The policeman said, "you're under a-vest".
------
What did the cross-eyed teacher with a naughty class say?
"I can't control my pupils."
Pasi Nurminen
Deity
Three men, an Indian, an Iranian, and a Pakistani were all clinging to a liferaft after their aircraft went down in the Indian Ocean. A shark is circling, and eats the Iranian and the Pakistani. The Indian starts praying.
"Oh thank you God, you have saved me!"
Then the shark swims around and says to the Indian man "no, I ate one of you last week, and my ass is still burning."
"Oh thank you God, you have saved me!"
Then the shark swims around and says to the Indian man "no, I ate one of you last week, and my ass is still burning."
Sophie 378
Avvie by ybbor
The inventor of the hokey-cokey died last week. This is a sad time. There was a disturbance at his funeral, too: the family must be devastated.
Apparently when they were trying to get him into the coffin, they put his left leg in ..... and then the trouble started.
Apparently when they were trying to get him into the coffin, they put his left leg in ..... and then the trouble started.
Totibbs
Warlord
From the Belgium newspaper: 1 person plane type Cessna crashed on graveyard in Brussel. 100 people dead. Rescue workers still bussy, looking for survivors.
happy_Alex
Happiness set to 11
Why did Hitler commit suicide?
He saw his gas bill.
He saw his gas bill.
embitteredpoet
Chieftain
A woman walks into a bar and asks the Barman for a Double Entendre.
He gives her one.
He gives her one.
ok i didnt get the last one....
heres a few
Judge: “Do you understand the nature of an oath?”
Boy: “Do I? I’m your caddie, remember!”
Golfer: “That’s good for one long drive and a putt.”
Caddy: (after ball travels only one meter) “And now for one hell of a putt.”
Friendly golfer: (to player searching for lost ball) “What sort of a ball was it?”
Caddie: (butting in) A brand new one — never been properly hit yet!”
Golfer: “Caddiemaster, that boy isn’t even eight years old.”
Caddiemaster: “Better that way, sir. He probably can’t count past 10.”
Just Think...
Negotiations between union members and their employer were at an impasse. The union denied that their workers were flagrantly abusing their contract’s sick-leave provisions.
One morning at the bargaining table, the company’s chief negotiator held aloft the morning edition of the newspaper. “This man,” he announced, “called in sick yesterday!”
There on the sports page, was a photo of the supposedly ill employee, who had just won a local golf tournament with an excellent score.
The silence in the room was broken by a union negotiator. “Wow,” he said, “just think of what kind of score he could have had if he hadn’t been sick!”
heres a few
Judge: “Do you understand the nature of an oath?”
Boy: “Do I? I’m your caddie, remember!”
Golfer: “That’s good for one long drive and a putt.”
Caddy: (after ball travels only one meter) “And now for one hell of a putt.”
Friendly golfer: (to player searching for lost ball) “What sort of a ball was it?”
Caddie: (butting in) A brand new one — never been properly hit yet!”
Golfer: “Caddiemaster, that boy isn’t even eight years old.”
Caddiemaster: “Better that way, sir. He probably can’t count past 10.”
Just Think...
Negotiations between union members and their employer were at an impasse. The union denied that their workers were flagrantly abusing their contract’s sick-leave provisions.
One morning at the bargaining table, the company’s chief negotiator held aloft the morning edition of the newspaper. “This man,” he announced, “called in sick yesterday!”
There on the sports page, was a photo of the supposedly ill employee, who had just won a local golf tournament with an excellent score.
The silence in the room was broken by a union negotiator. “Wow,” he said, “just think of what kind of score he could have had if he hadn’t been sick!”
) graduate off your porch?
Irish Caesar
Yellow Jacket
I guess the only way to respond to that one is...
A mechanic was fixing his car. He asks his friend, a UGA grad, "is my blinker working?"
The UGA kid responds, "yes...no...yes...no..."
A mechanic was fixing his car. He asks his friend, a UGA grad, "is my blinker working?"
The UGA kid responds, "yes...no...yes...no..."
Sophie 378
Avvie by ybbor
This is technically a riddle, but it makes me
The Omnibombulator
This unusual instrument is operated by selecting one of the four switch-positions A, B, C, D and turning the power on. The effects are;
Position A - The pratching valve glows and the queech obulates
Position B - The queech obulates and the urfer curls up, but the rumption does not get hot.
Position C - The sneeveling rod turns clockwise, the pratching valve glows and the queech fails to obulate.
Position D - The troglodyser gives off hydrogen but the urfer does not curl up.
Whenever the pratching valve glows the rumption gets hot. Unless the
sneeveling rod turns clockwise, the queech cannot obulate, but if the
sneeveling rod is turning clockwise the troglodyser will not emit hydrogen. If the urfer does not curl up you may be sure that the rumption is not getting hot.
In order to get milk chocolate from the machine you must ensure (a) that the sneeveling rod is turning clockwise AND (b) that, if the troglodyser is emitting hydrogen then the pratching valve is glowing, but that if the troglodyser is not emitting hydrogen, the queech is not obulating.
Which switch position would you select?
If, tiring of chocolate, you wish to receive the Third Programme you must take care (a) that the rumption does not get hot AND (b) either the urfer doesn’t curl and the queech doesn’t obulate OR that the pratching valve glows and the troglodyser fails to emit hydrogen,
Which switch position would you select?
The Omnibombulator
This unusual instrument is operated by selecting one of the four switch-positions A, B, C, D and turning the power on. The effects are;
Position A - The pratching valve glows and the queech obulates
Position B - The queech obulates and the urfer curls up, but the rumption does not get hot.
Position C - The sneeveling rod turns clockwise, the pratching valve glows and the queech fails to obulate.
Position D - The troglodyser gives off hydrogen but the urfer does not curl up.
Whenever the pratching valve glows the rumption gets hot. Unless the
sneeveling rod turns clockwise, the queech cannot obulate, but if the
sneeveling rod is turning clockwise the troglodyser will not emit hydrogen. If the urfer does not curl up you may be sure that the rumption is not getting hot.
In order to get milk chocolate from the machine you must ensure (a) that the sneeveling rod is turning clockwise AND (b) that, if the troglodyser is emitting hydrogen then the pratching valve is glowing, but that if the troglodyser is not emitting hydrogen, the queech is not obulating.
Which switch position would you select?
If, tiring of chocolate, you wish to receive the Third Programme you must take care (a) that the rumption does not get hot AND (b) either the urfer doesn’t curl and the queech doesn’t obulate OR that the pratching valve glows and the troglodyser fails to emit hydrogen,
Which switch position would you select?
WildWeazel
Carthago Creanda Est
How do you know if someone was a liberal arts major?
"Would you like some fries with that?"
"Would you like some fries with that?"
![[pissed]](/images/smilies/pissed.gif "Pissed [pissed]")
right now.
Pasi Nurminen
Deity
A man is shopping at Ikea, browsing their chairs. He decides he's going to buy their most recently designed line of chairs, and goes to the wharehouse section of the store to pick his up. He pays for it, takes it home, opens the box to assemble it, and is shocked when in it he finds nothing more than an axe, and a map to a tree.
In all seriousness, don't think it won't happen! Ikea is headed down this road, soon it will be a reality with their ridiculous products.
In all seriousness, don't think it won't happen! Ikea is headed down this road, soon it will be a reality with their ridiculous products.
Sophie 378
Avvie by ybbor
The Omnibolmbulator is just -inducing for me because the names are so silly. A queech obulating? A pratching valve? Does that really raise no giggles? 
[source = http://www.pottypuzzles.com/page7.htm, though I originally found it in a book called Funny Ha Ha, Funny Peculiar]
-inducing for me because the names are so silly. A queech obulating? A pratching valve? Does that really raise no giggles? [source = http://www.pottypuzzles.com/page7.htm, though I originally found it in a book called Funny Ha Ha, Funny Peculiar]
A couple of one-liner obituaries from the good people of This Hour Has 22 Minutes:
The inventor of binary code passed away last week. He died peacefully in his bed, surrounded by his loved ones and zeroes.
The inventor of the crossword puzzle died this week. After a moving funeral service on Thursday, he was buried six down... and seven across.
And now for some jokes to satisfy my inner nerd:
What do you get when you cross an elephant with a giraffe?
What do you get when you cross a mountain climber with a mosquito?
The inventor of binary code passed away last week. He died peacefully in his bed, surrounded by his loved ones and zeroes.
The inventor of the crossword puzzle died this week. After a moving funeral service on Thursday, he was buried six down... and seven across.
And now for some jokes to satisfy my inner nerd:
What do you get when you cross an elephant with a giraffe?
Spoiler :
What do you get when you cross a mountain climber with a mosquito?
Spoiler :
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