Ultima Dragoon
FIRE! FIRE! FIRE!
That was really good.
#~~ The HEhe HAha Joke Thread ~~#
- Thread starter Abaddon
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That was really good.
stuge
Emperor
A man eats a big and tasty meal at a restaurant. Just when he has finished, a waitress shows up and asks: "Are you enjoying your meal?"
The man answers: "No, it was awful. I hid it all behind the curtain."
This is a real-life joke. My old man cracked this today when we were in the aforesaid restaurant. My mouth was full at the moment and I nearly choked. It was a bit of a scene but worth it.
The man answers: "No, it was awful. I hid it all behind the curtain."
This is a real-life joke. My old man cracked this today when we were in the aforesaid restaurant. My mouth was full at the moment and I nearly choked. It was a bit of a scene but worth it.
Narz
keeping it real
this one is so bad I had to share it. 
Q - Why should you never fall in love with a tennis player?
A - Because love means nothing to them.
Q - Why should you never fall in love with a tennis player?
A - Because love means nothing to them.
Betrayed
The eye of the wolf...
Here's one that always cracks people up after few minutes.
Two musicians walk past a bar.
Two musicians walk past a bar.
RameNoodle
ND Number 1!
Why was Helen Keller a bad driver?
Spoiler :
Narz
keeping it real
That was hillarious (my girlfriend shook her head and gave me a dirty look for actually laughing out loud ).
).
Narz
keeping it real
There is more money being spent on
breast implants and Viagra today than on
Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040,
there should be a large elderly population with
perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no
recollection of what to do with them.
breast implants and Viagra today than on
Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040,
there should be a large elderly population with
perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no
recollection of what to do with them.
tomsnowman123
Simple Liver
If hell exists, I will probably burn there for these terrible, but funny Helen Keller jokes:
How did Helen Keller lose her hand?
How did Helen Keller burn the side of her face?
How did she burn the other side of her face?
Did you know Helen Keller had a doll house?
What did Helen Keller's parents do to punish her?
How did Helen Keller lose her hand?
Spoiler :
How did Helen Keller burn the side of her face?
Spoiler :
How did she burn the other side of her face?
Spoiler :
Did you know Helen Keller had a doll house?
Spoiler :
What did Helen Keller's parents do to punish her?
Spoiler :
Narz
keeping it real
heh heh, neither did she
SuperBeaverInc.
Groucho
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.
"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
Abaddon
Deity
yeah, you merely get PC+1 from me 
Abaddon
Deity
2 elefants and a snake fall down the stairs
dum dum hisss
dum dum hisss
greenpeace
Peacelord
puglover said:Would a dyslexic person be able to read your joke?
yes (I'm deslyxic)
p.s. no offense taken of course.
SuperBeaverInc.
Groucho
After a particularly poor game of golf, a popular club member skipped the clubhouse and started to go home. As he was walking to the parking lot to get his car, a policeman stopped him and asked, "Did you tee off on the sixteenth hole about twenty minutes ago?"
"Yes," the golfer responded.
"Did you happen to hook your ball so that it went over the trees and off the course?"
"Yes, I did. How did you know?" he asked.
"Well," said the policeman very seriously, "Your ball flew out onto the highway and crashed through a driver's windshield. The car went out of control, crashing into five other cars and a fire truck. The fire truck couldn't make it to the fire, and the building burned down. So, what are you going to do about it?"
The golfer thought it over carefully and responded...
"I think I'll close my stance a little bit, tighten my grip and lower my right thumb."
"Yes," the golfer responded.
"Did you happen to hook your ball so that it went over the trees and off the course?"
"Yes, I did. How did you know?" he asked.
"Well," said the policeman very seriously, "Your ball flew out onto the highway and crashed through a driver's windshield. The car went out of control, crashing into five other cars and a fire truck. The fire truck couldn't make it to the fire, and the building burned down. So, what are you going to do about it?"
The golfer thought it over carefully and responded...
"I think I'll close my stance a little bit, tighten my grip and lower my right thumb."
A very unattractive, mean actin' woman walks into Wal-Mart with her two kids.
The Wal-Mart Greeter asks, "Are they twins?"
The ugly woman says, "No, the oldest one, he's 9 and the younger one, she's 7. Why? ... Do you think they really look alike?"
"No", replies the greeter, "I just couldn't believe you got laid twice!"
The Wal-Mart Greeter asks, "Are they twins?"
The ugly woman says, "No, the oldest one, he's 9 and the younger one, she's 7. Why? ... Do you think they really look alike?"
"No", replies the greeter, "I just couldn't believe you got laid twice!"
WildWeazel
Going Dutch
A boy's parents decided to send him to a Catholic school in hopes that his academic performance would improve. He had never even been to church before, so they were worried that he would have trouble adjusting.
However their fears were relieved when he came home from school after the first day and went straight to his room to study. In fact, this became a daily occurence. The parents were delighted that their son was finally working hard in school.
When the boy's first report card arrived, they were pleased to see that his grades had improved. But the A+ in math, never his favorite subject, shocked them. They asked the boy how he managed to do so well in math.
The boy replied, "The first day of school, when I walked in the door and the first thing I saw was how they had nailed that man to the plus sign, I knew they were serious about math."
However their fears were relieved when he came home from school after the first day and went straight to his room to study. In fact, this became a daily occurence. The parents were delighted that their son was finally working hard in school.
When the boy's first report card arrived, they were pleased to see that his grades had improved. But the A+ in math, never his favorite subject, shocked them. They asked the boy how he managed to do so well in math.
The boy replied, "The first day of school, when I walked in the door and the first thing I saw was how they had nailed that man to the plus sign, I knew they were serious about math."
Weasel Op said:
Excellent joke there.
Bob and Larry are in a room, and Bob is drinking milk. Larry goes over to Bob and asks him what he is drinking. Bob replies, "I'm drinking 2% milk." Larry nods and closes his eyes for a minute, and then he asks Bob, "What's the other 98%?"
Weasel Op said:
HA HA HA HA HA HAAAA!
----------------
Food for thought emailed to me:
Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those
little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards:
NAIVE
Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a
peeing section in a swimming pool?
Shouldn't the Air and space museum be empty?
OK... so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags" and
the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs", what does that
make the Tennessee Titans ?
If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that
one enjoys it?
There are three religious truths:
1. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
2. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the
Christian faith.
3. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or at
Hooters.
If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts" and you put
your two cents in . . . what happens to the other penny?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a "broker"?
Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just
stale bread to begin with?
When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?
Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a
person who drives a race car not called a racist?
Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?
Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
"I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English
language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it
follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted,
cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry
cleaners depressed?
If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald
men?
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a
whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me . .
they're cramming for their final exam.
Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office?
What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just
put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look
for them while they deliver the mail?
If it's true that we are here to help others, then what
exactly are the others here for?
Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?
-----------------
Subject: TEACHING MATH
Teaching Math in 1950:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?
Teaching Math in 1960: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?
Teaching Math in 1970: A logger exchanges a set "L" of lumber for a set "M" of money. The carnality of set "M" is 100. Each element is worth one dollar. Make 100 dots representing the elements of the set "M." The set "C," the cost of production contains 20 fewer points than set "M." Represent the set "C" as a subset of set "M" and answer the following question: What is the carnality of the set "P" of profits?
Teaching Math in 1980: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100 His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20
Teaching Math in 1990: By cutting down beautiful forest trees, the logger makes $20. What do you think of this way of making a living?
(Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the forest birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down the trees? (There are no wrong answers.))
Teaching Math in 2000: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $120. How does Arthur Andersen determine that his profit margin is $60?
Teaching Math in 2010: El Loggero se habla with the truckero y se ponen de acuerdo con otro driver de la competencia y etc
---------------------
A defense attorney was cross-examining a Chicago police officer
during a felony trial -- it went like this:
Q. Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?
A. No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the
description of the offender running several blocks away.
Q. Officer, who provided this description?
A. The officer who responded to the scene.
Q. A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called
offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?
A. Yes sir, with my life.
Q. With your life? Let me ask you this then officer -- do you
have a locker room in the police station -- a room where you
change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?
A. Yes sir, we do.
Q. And do you have a locker in that room?
A. Yes sir, I do.
Q. And do you have a lock on your locker?
A. Yes sir.
Q. Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers
with your life, that you find it necessary to lock your locker
in a room you share with those same officers?
A. You see sir, we share the building with a court complex,
and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through
that room.
With that, the courtroom erupted in laughter, and a prompt
recess was called.
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