stuge
Emperor
Narz said:
Ah the irony...
Just brilliant.
#~~ The HEhe HAha Joke Thread ~~#
- Thread starter Abaddon
- Start date
- Status
Ah the irony...
Just brilliant.
Abaddon
Deity
problem is.. that will be us 
lol
lol
Sophie 378
Avvie by ybbor
Some dreadful one-liners I don't think I've posted before:
Why aren't jokes childish?
What's brown and sounds like a bell?
Can snakes do magic?
What do you get if you cross a centipede and a parrot?
What's the difference between a night watchman and a butcher?
What's the difference between a rotten archer and a constipated owl?
And a silly story to finish:
The vicar is having some people to dinner, and he's not looking forward to it. But he has to impress them. So, when they get there, and sitting round the table, his wife asks their little girl to say grace.
"Mummy, what's grace?"
"You know, what daddy said at breakfast."
"..."
"Dear God, ...."
"Oh, yes! I know! Dear God, do we have to have these dreadful people to dinner tonight?"
EDIT:
Why aren't jokes childish?
Spoiler :
Spoiler :
Spoiler :
Spoiler :
Spoiler :
Spoiler :
The vicar is having some people to dinner, and he's not looking forward to it. But he has to impress them. So, when they get there, and sitting round the table, his wife asks their little girl to say grace.
"Mummy, what's grace?"
"You know, what daddy said at breakfast."
"..."
"Dear God, ...."
"Oh, yes! I know! Dear God, do we have to have these dreadful people to dinner tonight?"
EDIT:
What do you get if you drop a piano down a mine shaft?classical_hero said:
Spoiler :
Syterion
Voodoo Economist
A man goes up to the counter at a small store with a playboy and a penthouse. The clerk says, "Single, huh?" The guy says sarcastically, "How could you tell?"
The clerk says, "Cause you're ugly."
EDIT: One more.
A guy and his Polish friend are walking down the street. The guy says, "I'm going to tell a Polish joke." His friend says, "But I'm Polish." The guy replies, "That's okay, I'll tell it slowly."
The clerk says, "Cause you're ugly."
I'm not sure I get this. Is the joke that they "passed" a bar of music? In that case, why did the joke have "walked?" Wouldn't it make more sense to say, "Two bad musicians passed a bar?"
EDIT: One more.
A guy and his Polish friend are walking down the street. The guy says, "I'm going to tell a Polish joke." His friend says, "But I'm Polish." The guy replies, "That's okay, I'll tell it slowly."
A doctor tells his patient that he only has 3 hours to live. The patient looks distraught at first, but then says "Well then I'm going to a WNBA game". The doctor looks at him funny "Why would you spend your last 3 hours at a WNBA game?" The man replies, "Cause it'll feel like an eternity."
WildWeazel
Going Dutch
Here's a similar one:
A man goes to the doctor for a regular checkup. The doctor slowly looks more and more concerned as he examines the man. He draws some blood and leaves to run a few tests. The man is left alone in the examination room, wondering what is wrong. Finally the doctor comes back with an ashen look on his face. He explains that the man has an incurable disease and has only 6 months to live. He advises him to make the most of the time he has left. The man asks the doctor what he would do in his shoes. The doctor thinks for a moment, and then responds: "If I were you, I would sell everything I had and buy the biggest pig farm in the state. Then I would find a single mother with 8 kids under the age of 12 and marry her." The man is confused, and asks the doctor if that would somehow help him live any longer. The doctor smiles and says, "No, but it will be the longest 6 months that anyone has ever lived."
A man goes to the doctor for a regular checkup. The doctor slowly looks more and more concerned as he examines the man. He draws some blood and leaves to run a few tests. The man is left alone in the examination room, wondering what is wrong. Finally the doctor comes back with an ashen look on his face. He explains that the man has an incurable disease and has only 6 months to live. He advises him to make the most of the time he has left. The man asks the doctor what he would do in his shoes. The doctor thinks for a moment, and then responds: "If I were you, I would sell everything I had and buy the biggest pig farm in the state. Then I would find a single mother with 8 kids under the age of 12 and marry her." The man is confused, and asks the doctor if that would somehow help him live any longer. The doctor smiles and says, "No, but it will be the longest 6 months that anyone has ever lived."
Mewtarthio
Emperor
- Joined
- Apr 14, 2004
- Messages
- 1,930
An eye for an eye leaves the whole world blind. See what happens when you only take an eye?
BunnyWabbit
Yeyeah!
These are funny
Mewtarthio
Emperor
- Joined
- Apr 14, 2004
- Messages
- 1,930
An old woman with three sons once approached her 100th birthday. Her sons, all quite successful, wanted to make her as happy as possible, and each went to great lengths to get her the most extravagant gift within their means.
The sons met later at a local bar, discussing their mother, and the conversation inevitably turned towards her birthday gifts.
"I got her an amazing present," remarked Jake, "and I'd hate to go first and make you guys seem anticlimactic!" The brothers insisted, however, and so with feigned reluctance Jake announced, "I bought her a limo... with a chauffeur!"
The two other brothers laughed at Jake. "I could top that easily," mocked Jim, "but I wouldn't want to spoil it for Jordan."
"You go first," said Jordan, "and if my gift's not more amazing than yours, I'll buy you both drinks!"
"Done," said Jim, always competitive, "I bought Mom a mansion! Top that Jordan!"
"As you wish," said Jordan, smiling. He motioned brothers to lean in closer. "You know Mom's real religious, right? And how her eyesight's been failing her, so she can't read the Bible as much as she used to, right?"
Jake chuckled, "Jordan, if you got her one of those Bibles-on-tape, I'm afraid you owe us drinks. Unless by 'amazing' you meant 'amazingly cheap'!"
Jordan grinned at Jake. "I'm not finished yet. Through some obscure contacts of mine, I've located a monastery home to the most dedicated order of monks in the Western Hemisphere. This monastery contains a unique bird: An extraordinarily intelligent parrot that has been trained its entire life by the monks. It can recite any verse of the Bible on command!"
The brothers were stunned and agreed that Jordan's gift was certainly the most unique, but Jim still claimed that it was Mom's decision and that Jordan wouldn't be off the hook until they could compare the thank-you notes. He'd get his chance soon enough, as the notes arrived the next week. Jake, somewhat upset by his gift's relative cheapness, opened his note with trepidation:
Jim, meanwhile, was opening his own letter, confident that he would be the victor:
Jordan, meanwhile, went to his own mailbox, trembling with anticipation of his mother's gratefulness:
The sons met later at a local bar, discussing their mother, and the conversation inevitably turned towards her birthday gifts.
"I got her an amazing present," remarked Jake, "and I'd hate to go first and make you guys seem anticlimactic!" The brothers insisted, however, and so with feigned reluctance Jake announced, "I bought her a limo... with a chauffeur!"
The two other brothers laughed at Jake. "I could top that easily," mocked Jim, "but I wouldn't want to spoil it for Jordan."
"You go first," said Jordan, "and if my gift's not more amazing than yours, I'll buy you both drinks!"
"Done," said Jim, always competitive, "I bought Mom a mansion! Top that Jordan!"
"As you wish," said Jordan, smiling. He motioned brothers to lean in closer. "You know Mom's real religious, right? And how her eyesight's been failing her, so she can't read the Bible as much as she used to, right?"
Jake chuckled, "Jordan, if you got her one of those Bibles-on-tape, I'm afraid you owe us drinks. Unless by 'amazing' you meant 'amazingly cheap'!"
Jordan grinned at Jake. "I'm not finished yet. Through some obscure contacts of mine, I've located a monastery home to the most dedicated order of monks in the Western Hemisphere. This monastery contains a unique bird: An extraordinarily intelligent parrot that has been trained its entire life by the monks. It can recite any verse of the Bible on command!"
The brothers were stunned and agreed that Jordan's gift was certainly the most unique, but Jim still claimed that it was Mom's decision and that Jordan wouldn't be off the hook until they could compare the thank-you notes. He'd get his chance soon enough, as the notes arrived the next week. Jake, somewhat upset by his gift's relative cheapness, opened his note with trepidation:
Jim, meanwhile, was opening his own letter, confident that he would be the victor:
Jordan, meanwhile, went to his own mailbox, trembling with anticipation of his mother's gratefulness:
Narz
keeping it real
Mewtarthio said:
A whole world of pirates?
In 1986, Mkele Mbembe was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from college. On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull
elephant standing with one leg raised in the air.
The elephant seemed distressed so Mbembe approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot, and found a large thorn deeply embedded in it.
As carefully and as gently as he could, Mbembe worked the thorn out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man and with a rather stern look on its face, stared at him. For several tense moments Mbembe stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned and walked away.
Mbembe never forgot that elephant or the events of that day. Twenty years later he was walking through a zoo with his teenage son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Mbembe and his son Tapu were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Mbembe and lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.
Remembering the encounter in 1986, Mbembe couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant. Mbembe summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. Suddenly the elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of the man's legs and swung him wildly back and forth along the railing, killing him. Probably wasn't the same elephant.
elephant standing with one leg raised in the air.
The elephant seemed distressed so Mbembe approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot, and found a large thorn deeply embedded in it.
As carefully and as gently as he could, Mbembe worked the thorn out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man and with a rather stern look on its face, stared at him. For several tense moments Mbembe stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned and walked away.
Mbembe never forgot that elephant or the events of that day. Twenty years later he was walking through a zoo with his teenage son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Mbembe and his son Tapu were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Mbembe and lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.
Remembering the encounter in 1986, Mbembe couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant. Mbembe summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. Suddenly the elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of the man's legs and swung him wildly back and forth along the railing, killing him. Probably wasn't the same elephant.
Perfection
The Great Head.
Narz said:
I like that one better"An eye for an eye makes everyone a pirate"
Abaddon
Deity
Almost worth sigging.. infact sod it.. it is!
classical_hero
In whom I trust
A man walks into a doctor with a strawberry stuck up his arse. The doctor says, "I've got cream for that".
A man walks into a bar with a cricket ball stuck his arse. The doctor says, "Howzat"? The man replies, "don't you start".
A man walks into a bar with a cricket ball stuck his arse. The doctor says, "Howzat"? The man replies, "don't you start".
Narz
keeping it real
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As
she lay her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope
and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet
shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, your pet has passed
away."
The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I'm sure. The
duck is dead," he replied. "How can you be so sure," she
protested. "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or
anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He
returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever. As
the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his
hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and
sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet
with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog and took it out and returned a few moments
later with a beautiful cat. The cat jumped up on the table and
also sniffed the bird from its beak to its tail and back again.
The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly,
jumped down and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said,
this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."
Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys, and
produced a bill, which he handed to the woman. The duck's owner,
still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" She cried. $150 just to
tell me my duck is dead?!!"
The vet shrugged and explained, "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my
word for it, the bill would have been $20. But what with the Lab
Report and the Cat Scan, it all adds up."
she lay her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope
and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet
shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, your pet has passed
away."
The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I'm sure. The
duck is dead," he replied. "How can you be so sure," she
protested. "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or
anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He
returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever. As
the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his
hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and
sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet
with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog and took it out and returned a few moments
later with a beautiful cat. The cat jumped up on the table and
also sniffed the bird from its beak to its tail and back again.
The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly,
jumped down and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said,
this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."
Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys, and
produced a bill, which he handed to the woman. The duck's owner,
still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" She cried. $150 just to
tell me my duck is dead?!!"
The vet shrugged and explained, "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my
word for it, the bill would have been $20. But what with the Lab
Report and the Cat Scan, it all adds up."
Oops. My bad.
A man was on holiday in Kenya. While he was walking through the bush, he came across an elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed so the man approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot. There was a large thorn deeply embedded in the bottom of the foot.
As carefully and as gently as he could he removed the thorn and the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man and, with a rather stern look on its face, stared at him. For a good ten minutes the man stood frozen - thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.
For years after, the man remembered the elephant and the events of that day.
One day the man was walking through the zoo with his son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to where they were standing at the rail. It stared at him and the man couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant. After a while it trumpeted loudly; then it continued to stare at him. The man summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder.
Suddenly the elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of the man's legs and swung him wildly back and forth along the railing, killing him.
Probably wasn't the same elephant.
A man was on holiday in Kenya. While he was walking through the bush, he came across an elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed so the man approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot. There was a large thorn deeply embedded in the bottom of the foot.
As carefully and as gently as he could he removed the thorn and the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man and, with a rather stern look on its face, stared at him. For a good ten minutes the man stood frozen - thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.
For years after, the man remembered the elephant and the events of that day.
One day the man was walking through the zoo with his son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to where they were standing at the rail. It stared at him and the man couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant. After a while it trumpeted loudly; then it continued to stare at him. The man summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder.
Suddenly the elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of the man's legs and swung him wildly back and forth along the railing, killing him.
Probably wasn't the same elephant.
Aramazd
Deity
Paradigne said:
This was posted 8 posts back.
- Status
