#~~ The HEhe HAha Joke Thread ~~#

[Paradigne]

18 WAYS TO BE A GOOD LIBERAL

1. You have to be against capital punishment, but support abortion on
demand.

2. You have to believe that businesses create oppression and governments
create prosperity.

3. You have to believe that guns in the hands of law-abiding citizens are
more of a threat than U.S. nuclear weapons technology in the hands of Iran
or Chinese and North Korean communists.

4. You have to believe that there was no art before federal funding.

5. You have to believe that global temperatures are less affected by
cyclical changes in the earth's climate and more affected by soccer moms
driving SUV's.

6. You have to believe that gender roles are artificial, but being
homosexual is natural.

7. You have to believe that the AIDS virus is spread by a lack of federal
funding.

8. You have to believe that the same teacher who can't teach 4th-graders how
to read is somehow qualified to teach those same kids about sex.

9. You have to believe that hunters don't care about nature, but PETA
activists do.

10. You have to believe that self-esteem is more important than actually
doing something to earn it.

11. You have to believe that Mel Gibson spent $25 million of his own money
to make "The Passion of the Christ" for financial gain only.

12. You have to believe the NRA is bad because it supports certain parts of
the Constitution, while the ACLU is good because it supports certain parts
of the Constitution.

13. You have to believe that taxes are too low, but ATM fees are too high.

14. You have to believe that Margaret Sanger and Gloria Steinem are
more important to American history than Thomas Jefferson, Gen. Robert E.
Lee, and Thomas Edison.

15. You have to believe that standardized tests are racist, but racial
quotas and set-asides are not.

16. You have to believe that the only reason socialism hasn't worked
anywhere it's been tried is because the right people haven't been in
charge.

17. You have to believe that homosexual parades displaying drag queens and
transvestites should be constitutionally protected, and manger scenes at
Christmas should be illegal.

18. You have to believe that this message is a part of a vast, right-wing
conspiracy.

GOD BLESS AMERICA!

Oops, can't do that either!

 

[mitsho]

That certainly should not be in humor&jokes, some things in there are rightly phrased and are very true, others come from a very bad understanding of Liberalism, for example liberals don't believe at all in a strong government! You're mixing socialist, left and liberalism in here. In any case, please delete or move it from this thread, it's not at all suitable in here.

m

 

[Eran of Arcadia]

No, I thoight it was funny . . .

(And don't agree with all the points.)

 

[mitsho]

But is it Hehe haha joke? In any case, I think it would be better suited anywhere else

 

[The Ninja]

A Priest, a Leprechaun, and a Badger walk into a bar. The Bartender looks up and says, "Hey, is this some kind of joke?"

The Ninja

 

[Mirc]

A little girl, all blonde curls and blue eyes walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?" The shopkeeper's heart melts and he gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level, and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabby or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabby or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabby over there?" Blushing, she rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice, "I don't fink my python weally gives a phuk."

 

[ggganz]

Why is a hole in the ground called a pit?

Spoiler :

Because its a good place to p*ss and sh*t

 

[psweetman1590]

Why couldn't Hellen Keller drive?

Spoiler :

She was a woman.

 

[Bushface]

Back in Iron Curtain times, a Bulgarian and a Romanian were sent to a Western city where a new hi-tech device was on exhibition. The Bulgarian attended the exhibition every moment it was open, asking detailed questions and taking notes and photographs. The Romanian spent all his time in bars and chasing women, vsiting the exhibition just a few minutes before it closed, On their way back, the Bulgarian criticised the Romanian severely, pointing out how much information he could have collected. "Information ?" laughed the Romanian. "I don't need information - I've stolen the original !"

 

[Mirc]

Back in Iron Curtain times, a Bulgarian and a Romanian were sent to a Western city where a new hi-tech device was on exhibition. The Bulgarian attended the exhibition every moment it was open, asking detailed questions and taking notes and photographs. The Romanian spent all his time in bars and chasing women, vsiting the exhibition just a few minutes before it closed, On their way back, the Bulgarian criticised the Romanian severely, pointing out how much information he could have collected. "Information ?" laughed the Romanian. "I don't need information - I've stolen the original !"

Thanks a lot for that, a good joke about Romanians in English is extremely hard to find.

 

[Veritass]

God decides that he is again going to purge the Earth of humans with a great global flood. He decides He will tell the three most important people on the planet, so they can tell their people. He tells George W. Bush, Vladimir Putin, and Bill Gates.

George W. Bush tells his people, "I have good news and bad news. The good news is that God does exist. The bad news is that He is really mad and the world is going to end next week."

Putin tells his people, "I have bad news and worse news. The bad news is that God does exist. The worse news is that He is really mad and the world is going to end next week."

Gates tells his people, "I have good news and better news. The good news is that I am officially one of the three most important people on the planet. The better news is that we don't have to worry about fixing all the bugs in Windows."

 

[Love]

How many finns does it takes to screw a lightbulb?...

Spoiler :

 

[Hitti-Litti]

The peace has ended, gandhi rules?
Want to hear some Swede-jokes?

WANNA A PIECE OF ME!?

 

[Catharsis]

How many Finns does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Spoiler :

Three. One to screw in the bulb; one to write down the Finnish word for 'lightbulb' in the inventory; and one to take over from the second one when he dies of old age.

What's the difference between Finland and Tony Blair?

Spoiler :

One's a massive disappointment who is jealous of its more competent neighbour, and the other's Tony Blair.

 

[Veritass]

Oh, can I play?

I heard they had to close the Finland public library system, because somewhat checked out one of the books and didn't bring it back, and the other one already has all the pictures colored in.

 

[Veritass]

What do Sweden and Tony Blair have in common?
Thirty-two good teeth.

 

[Splime]

A <insert nationality> man walks into a bar, and the bartender says that he will give anyone who passes his test a free beer. At first, the <insert nationality> man thinks better, but after a few beers, the man is up for the challenge. So, the bartender states the challenge:

"First of all, you need to drink a full keg of tequila. When you're finished, the alligator in the back has a sore tooth, and you need to pull it. Then, there's this virgin upstairs, and you need to go up there and change that. Are you up for it?"

So, the <insert nationality> man chugs down the full keg, and then walks outside. It seems as though there are a lot of noises coming from outside, and lots of thuds and shouts. Then everything became silent.

The <insert nationality> man comes in and says, "where's the woman with a sore tooth?"

 

[carmen510]

My friend saw this in a web comic, but can't remember the link. (This is a parody of how specific you have to be with text-based games)

A person turns on a text-based game...

>You are standing in field, surrounded by locked gates. There is a unicorn in the middle of the field with a key. What do you do?

I kill the unicorn.

>What unicorn?

I take the key

>What key?

I kill the unicorn and take the key.

>What unicorn? What key?

>The unicorn has hit you for 999999999 damage. You have 2 hp left.

I attack the unicorn

>What unicorn?

One day later...

>I attack the unicorn, which is a mythical creature... using an elaborate sword made by silver mined in the hills of ___ thought up in the mind of ____ and put in the game at 23:34:10 and 3 milliseconds... and the USA...

Fifteen years later...

>You hit the unicorn for 0 damage

 

[skadistic]

I have three dogs and I was buying a large bag of Meaty Bites at Big W and standing in line at the check out.

The woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Meaty Bites Diet again, although I probably shouldn&#8217;t because I&#8217;d ended up in the hospital last time, but that I&#8217;d lost 20 kilos before I woke up in intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Meaty Bites and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.

Horrified, she asked if I&#8217;d ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned. I told her no; it was because I&#8217;d been sitting in the street licking my balls and a car hit me.

I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard as he staggered out the door.

silly woman ... why else would I buy dog food??

 

[Heretic_Cata]

Back in Iron Curtain times, a Bulgarian and a Romanian were sent to a Western city where a new hi-tech device was on exhibition. The Bulgarian attended the exhibition every moment it was open, asking detailed questions and taking notes and photographs. The Romanian spent all his time in bars and chasing women, vsiting the exhibition just a few minutes before it closed, On their way back, the Bulgarian criticised the Romanian severely, pointing out how much information he could have collected. "Information ?" laughed the Romanian. "I don't need information - I've stolen the original !"

So true.