#~~ The HEhe HAha Joke Thread ~~#

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scy12 said:
I don't know how it happened, but at Tel Aviv airport three men got talking, a Christian, a Muslim, and a Jew. They were discussing the airport security, when the Christian broached the subject of religion. The Jew and the Muslim listened with cynical smiles as he told his story.

"I was brought up with God's Word," said the Christian, "But it was never until I really came into trouble that I learned to really trust in Jesus. I was flying from this very airport, bound for Chile, when it happened. We were flying over the Sahara desert, you see, and that was before there were weather satellites. We ran into one helluva storm-- there was sand everywhere. One of the turbines cut out, it had been destroyed by the flying sand. Well, gentlemen, I prayed like I had never prayed before. I prayed, Lord Jesus help me get out of this alive. And d'you know what happened? Suddenly, a big gap appeared in the storm. For two miles around the storm subsided, and the air was clear. I thank the Lord that we safely returned to Tel Aviv airport, although I never did make it to Chile."

The Muslim did not usually talk about religion, but he was not to be outdone. He recalled an incident over the Gobi desert. "When I and my family were flying from Kazakhstan to Pakistan a few years back, a remarkably similar incident occurred. We were in the midst of a *terrible* storm, and the cabin crew had given up hope. I stood in the aisle and prayed to Allah, and of course we were saved. The storm suddenly cleared, and for miles around there was nothing but clear blue sky. It just goes to show that you should always trust in God."

The Jew, as fate would have it, had had a similar experience. "I was driving across the Negev desert one day when my car broke down. It was the worst place it could have happened, as there were no towns or villages as far as the eye could see, and the sun was beating down. Well, I did the only thing there was to do. I waited in my car for someone to come who could take me to town. Soon enough, someone came along. I got out of my car and waved, but they didn't stop. They just drove on by. But about a hundred yards down the road I saw them throw something out of their car. I went to see what it was, and what do you think? It was a suitcase full of money! It had broken and the money was blowing about... all banknotes, no coins! But it was the Lord's day, and being a religious Jew I couldn't pick it up. I prayed to God, 'Just this one time, God, remember me. You know how I've remembered you for all these years. Something for me this time, God?' And for ten miles around, it was Tuesday."
Click to expand...


The real question is this: what was he doing over the Gobi Desert going from Pakistan to Kazakhstan?
 
I used to know this man. He was deaf, and he was mute. Ever heard of him? No? Niether did he.

________________________________________________________________

A Priest and a Nun were playing golf together. The Priest hits the ball and Misses. "**** I missed" Said the Priest. "Don't say that," said the Nun, "It's a sin to curse"
About 5 holes later the priest hits the ball, and misses the green "****, I missed!" "Please Don't say that! God will strike you down with thunder!"

On the 11th hole, the Priest once again hits the ball, and misses. "****, I missed!" He says again. The Nun says, "God is going to get angry with you!"

About an hour later, a lighting bolt comes down from the sky and kills the Nun. Afterwards, a deep voice from above thunders, "****, I missed!"

____________________________________________________________

How many Irishmen does it take to screw in a Lightbulb?

21. 1 to hold the bulb in, and the other 20 to drink until the room starts to spin.

How many fish does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

2, But don't ask how they get in there.

How many zen masters does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

2. 1 to screw it in and one not to screw it in.

How many polititians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

1. 1 to screw it in and one to screw it up.

How many psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb?

1, but only if the lightbulb wants to change.

I have to stop now, or I never will
 
a british guy a russian guy and a scottish guy were in a helicopter. the british guy threw out gold bars. the russian guy threw out silver bars. the scottish guy threw out grenades.when they got out they saw a woman crying. they asked her why. she said her husband was crushed by gold bars. they moved on. they saw another woman crying. they asked her why. she said silver bars fell into her house but they landed in the fireplace. they moved on. (here comes the punch line) They saw a woman laughing hysterically. they asked why. she told them because here husband farted and the whole house blew down.
 
I've got one


One day Superman saw Wonder Woman sunbathing naked. So Superman thought to himself that "I'm the fastest man in the world, so I should be able to go down there and have sex with here without her even knowing." So Superman went for it and acheived for what he thought was a victory. Meanwhile, Wonder Woman said, "I wonder what the hell that was?" Then the Invisible Man on top of her said, "I don't know but my butt sure hurts."
 
CivRulesAll said:
a british guy a russian guy and a scottish guy were in a helicopter. the british guy threw out gold bars. the russian guy threw out silver bars. the scottish guy threw out grenades.when they got out they saw a woman crying. they asked her why. she said her husband was crushed by gold bars. they moved on. they saw another woman crying. they asked her why. she said silver bars fell into her house but they landed in the fireplace. they moved on. (here comes the punch line) They saw a woman laughing hysterically. they asked why. she told them because here husband farted and the whole house blew down.
Click to expand...
My mom told me that once my dad stank up the whole house with one little poot.
 
What do you call a man who has lost 95% of his intelligence?

Spoiler :
Divorced.


In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill. Finally the doctor came in looking tired and sombre. "I am afraid I am the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried faces. "The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It is an experimental procedure, semi-risky, and you will have to pay for the brain yourselves." The family members sat silent as the absorbed the news. After a great length of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?" The doctor quickly responded, "Five thousand pounds for a male brain and £200 for a female brain." The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but someone actually smirked. A man, unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask. "Why is the male brain so much more?" The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and so to the entire group said, "It is just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they have actually been used."
 
I asked my wife the other day, "How come you never tell me when you're having an orgasm?"

She replied, "You're never here."
 
Blonde was going to have sex with a man.
-So is this your first time? man asked.
-Yeah, blonde answered.
-I wonder why I'm asked that every time.
 
Q. What did Freud say comes between fear and sex?
Spoiler :
A. Fünf
Spoiler :

[Explanation for non-Europeans: in German, four = vier (pronounced "fear", five = fünf, six = sechs (pronounced "sex").
 
Catharsis said:
What do you call a man who has lost 95% of his intelligence?

Spoiler :
Divorced.


In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill. Finally the doctor came in looking tired and sombre. "I am afraid I am the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried faces. "The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It is an experimental procedure, semi-risky, and you will have to pay for the brain yourselves." The family members sat silent as the absorbed the news. After a great length of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?" The doctor quickly responded, "Five thousand pounds for a male brain and £200 for a female brain." The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but someone actually smirked. A man, unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask. "Why is the male brain so much more?" The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and so to the entire group said, "It is just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they have actually been used."
Click to expand...

:lol: :lol: :lol:

True fact: "And even then, it was used only 30%"
 
U guys noticed how Penguins have somehow gotten into Hollywood? First dat old movie bout a penguin family, then "Happy Feet" and now another movie comin out soon!, Well Since Penguins are in Hollywood, B4 U kno it, u will have....
Spoiler :
Penguins Goin Into Rehab!!!!
 
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