#~~ The HEhe HAha Joke Thread ~~#

[Hitti-Litti]

I'll post some Swede jokes if you want...

You will regret your actions.

How many Swedes do you need to cover a road?
-Depends that how thin slices you will make of them.

What is made of steel, big, moves and makes people happy?
A bus full of Swedes falling to a canyon.

If Tarzan and Jane would be Swedes, what would Cheetah be?
-The wisest of the trio.

Two Swedes had a conversation at home:
-I forgot my umbrella at the restaurant!
-How did you notice that?
-After the rain when I tried to close the umbrella.

What happened when a Swede cleaned the stairway?
-Washing machine broke.

Two Swedes were talking about their children:
-My son moved to Congo and lives now with a baboon.
-Oh really? ... Is the baboon male or female?
-Female of course. My boy is a normal Swede, you know!

Swede-jokes end here.
________________________

How many actors does it need to change a lightbulb?

Spoiler :

One. Clint Eastwood does it and everyone complains that they would be better in doing it.

 

[Sophie 378]

Spoiler :

Silly story doing the rounds in emails:

I have 2 dogs & I was buying a large bag of Winalot in Tesco and was standing in the queue at the till. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Winalot Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and the way that it works is to load your trouser pockets with Winalot nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the queue was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.

Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned.

I told her no, it was because I'd been sitting in the road licking myself and a car hit me.

I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard as he staggered out the door.

Silly woman ..........why else would I buy dog food??

Note: I have sternly resisted the impulse to correct the spelling and grammar; I just bowdlerised it slightly to meet the forum rules.

Spoiler :

I have three dogs and I was buying a large bag of Meaty Bites at Big W and standing in line at the check out.

The woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Meaty Bites Diet again, although I probably shouldn’t because I’d ended up in the hospital last time, but that I’d lost 20 kilos before I woke up in intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Meaty Bites and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.

Horrified, she asked if I’d ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned. I told her no; it was because I’d been sitting in the street licking my balls and a car hit me.

I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard as he staggered out the door.

silly woman ... why else would I buy dog food??

Duplicate post! I got there first!

 

[civverguy]

I'm not sure if this has been posted this but here it is.

Two men were out hunting. One person gets bitten on the butt by a poisonous snake. His friend calls the doctor and asks him, "My friend was bitten by a poisonous snake!" The doctor answers, "Make sure you use your mouth to suck the poison out or else he will die." The poisoned person asks his friend, "What did the doctor say?" His friend answers, "You're going to die."

 

[carmen510]

This woman rushed to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off: "Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What's WRONG with me, Doctor!?"

The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says: "Well, I can tell you that there ain't nothing wrong with your eyesight." -Australia's top-voted joke

A woman gets on a bus with her baby.

The bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!"

The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!"

The man says: "You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you." -Britain's top-rated joke

Geoff Anandappa's joke- 2nd place!!! (Blackpool, England):
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

"I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes" replies Watson. "And what do you deduce from that?"

Watson ponders for a minute.

"Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?"

Holmes is silent for a moment. "Watson, you idiot!" he says. "Someone has stolen our tent!"

 

[Swedishguy]

Swede: Lemme tell you a finn joke!
Finn: I will have to inform you that I am a finn.
Swede: OK. Then I'll say it slowly...

 

[Catharsis]

No, it goes like this:

Swede: Lemme tell you a finn joke!
Finn: äkkaåkkeneåuknååkäänäkkaåkkeneåuknååkäänäkkaåkkeneåuknååkäänäkkaåkkeneåuknååkään!
Swede:

 

[RubricousMidget]

A Swede has fallen and broken his leg, so the doctor tells him to take it easy for a while, and try to avoid walking up and down stairs.
When he returns for a follow-up examination, the doctor notices that he is recovering more slowly than expected, but decides that it's probably only natural, and tells him so.
When he is about to leave, he asks the doctor whether he can begin walking the stairs again. She agrees, and the Swede looks greatly relieved.
"Phew, that's good news. It was getting very tiring climbing up and down the gutter every day."

 

[Love]

Why do the finns take a ladder to the supermarket?

Spoiler :

Because theire looking for the high prices

 

[JonnyB]

The following short quiz consists of 4 questions and will tell you whether you are qualified to be a professional manager. Scroll down for each answer. The questions are NOT difficult. But don't scroll down UNTIL you have answered the question!

1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?

The correct answer is:

Spoiler :

Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe, and close the door. This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way

2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?

Spoiler :

Did you say, Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant, and close the refrigerator?

Wrong Answer.

Correct Answer:

Spoiler :

Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door. This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your previous actions.

3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals attend... except one. Which animal does not attend?

Correct Answer:

Spoiler :

The Elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator. You just put him in there. This tests your memory. Okay, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to show your true abilities.

4. There is a river you must cross but it is used by crocodiles, and you do not have a boat. How do you manage it?


Correct Answer:

Spoiler :

You jump into the river and swim across. Have you not been paying attention? All the crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting. This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.

 

[Love]

The last one was the only one i didnt know...

 

[Swedishguy]

@JonnyB: Excuse my impartinence, but didn't it say a refrigerator and not THE refrigerator?

 

[Powerzilla]

Whats white and sticky?

Spoiler :

Seamen

 

[ParadigmShifter]

When I was asked once for suggestions for a name for a football (soccer, whatever) computer game I came up with "David Seaman's Golden Goal Shower" but sadly they went with "4-4-2" (rated 4% in PC Gamer I seem to remember, ha, that made up for them sacking me and not even paying my last months wages because they went bust about a month later). "Jarvis Cocker's Soccer Shocker" was another suggestion but I don't think Jarvis has much to do with the beautiful game.

 

[Godwynn]

How to Make a Woman Happy?
Im pretty sure this is all we need to do...

It's not difficult to make a woman happy. A man only needs to be:
1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate
44. compassionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:

45. give her compliments regularly
46. love shopping
47. be honest
48. be very rich
49. not stress her out
50. not look at other girls

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:

51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes

IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:

54. Never to forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes





HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY

1. Bring food

 

[carmen510]

Or bring games.

 

[ggganz]

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Orange.
Orange who?
Orange you wondering how an orange can knock?
lame.

 

[Love]

The most boringest joke ever:

Person 1: You have a baseball in your ear!
Person 2: What?
1: You have a baseball in your ear!!
2: WHAT???
1: You have a baseball in your ear!!!
2: What? I can't hear you, because i have a baseball in my ear!

 

[Swedishguy]

The most boringest joke ever:

Person 1: You have a baseball in your ear!
Person 2: What?
1: You have a baseball in your ear!!
2: WHAT???
1: You have a baseball in your ear!!!
2: What? I can't hear you, because i have a baseball in my ear!

Wasn't it originally two flying elks talking to each other? With a cinnamon bun instead of a baseball?

 

[Love]

Probably...

 

[scy12]

I don't know how it happened, but at Tel Aviv airport three men got talking, a Christian, a Muslim, and a Jew. They were discussing the airport security, when the Christian broached the subject of religion. The Jew and the Muslim listened with cynical smiles as he told his story.

"I was brought up with God's Word," said the Christian, "But it was never until I really came into trouble that I learned to really trust in Jesus. I was flying from this very airport, bound for Chile, when it happened. We were flying over the Sahara desert, you see, and that was before there were weather satellites. We ran into one helluva storm-- there was sand everywhere. One of the turbines cut out, it had been destroyed by the flying sand. Well, gentlemen, I prayed like I had never prayed before. I prayed, Lord Jesus help me get out of this alive. And d'you know what happened? Suddenly, a big gap appeared in the storm. For two miles around the storm subsided, and the air was clear. I thank the Lord that we safely returned to Tel Aviv airport, although I never did make it to Chile."

The Muslim did not usually talk about religion, but he was not to be outdone. He recalled an incident over the Gobi desert. "When I and my family were flying from Kazakhstan to Pakistan a few years back, a remarkably similar incident occurred. We were in the midst of a *terrible* storm, and the cabin crew had given up hope. I stood in the aisle and prayed to Allah, and of course we were saved. The storm suddenly cleared, and for miles around there was nothing but clear blue sky. It just goes to show that you should always trust in God."

The Jew, as fate would have it, had had a similar experience. "I was driving across the Negev desert one day when my car broke down. It was the worst place it could have happened, as there were no towns or villages as far as the eye could see, and the sun was beating down. Well, I did the only thing there was to do. I waited in my car for someone to come who could take me to town. Soon enough, someone came along. I got out of my car and waved, but they didn't stop. They just drove on by. But about a hundred yards down the road I saw them throw something out of their car. I went to see what it was, and what do you think? It was a suitcase full of money! It had broken and the money was blowing about... all banknotes, no coins! But it was the Lord's day, and being a religious Jew I couldn't pick it up. I prayed to God, 'Just this one time, God, remember me. You know how I've remembered you for all these years. Something for me this time, God?' And for ten miles around, it was Tuesday."