#~~ The HEhe HAha Joke Thread ~~#

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classical_hero said:
That is the whole point of the joke. It is referring to his body part not his state of mind.
Click to expand...

yeah sorry.. i guess i wrote that when i was under the influence...and well sorry... its all good
 
(translation attempt)

3 engineers, a japaneese, an american and a romanian at an auction for building a bridge.

The Japaneese: - Sir, we will start construction on both sides at the same time. This way we will buy time and the meetup will be made with GPS with only a few centimeters error.

The American: - We will start construction on both sides at the same time. This way we will buy time and the meetup will be made with the help of LASERS with only a few milimeters error.

The Romanian: - We will start construction on both sides at the same time.
The Commite: - So ? How are you going to meetup in the middle ?
The Romanian: - If we meetup then it's ok. If not then you'll have 2 bridges.

:D
 
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are
things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now
published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these
exchanges were actually taking place.




ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at
all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you
forgot?
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that
morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in
voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his
sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-one-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.
________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh....
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a
deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on
dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you
go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was
doing an autopsy on him!
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh?
____________________________________________

And the best for last

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check
for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when
you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and
practicing law
 
skadistic said:
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
Click to expand...

That's probably not true, but still funny.
 
(roughly translated joke)

1 day before an exam the teacher says:
- You will all have to be present tomorrow at the exam. No excuses will be permited unless it's a medical emergency and you end up in the hospital.
A "witty" student says:
- Does exhaustion from too much sex count as an excuse ?
The class laughs a lot at the witty response. After they shut up, the teacher says:
- Don't worry, i'm sure you can write with your other hand. Or you could take the exam standing up.
 
The credit for this does not go to me:

Give a man a fire, he stays warm for the rest of the night. Set a man on fire, he stays hot for the rest of his life.
 
"While travelling [sic] near Tampa, Florida I passed the "Jehovah's Witness Assembly Hall" and was struck by the fact that that must be where they make them."

--Unknown
 
From this website http://www.yuckitup.com/tech.shtml
Spoiler :
tech humor, tech funnies, dumb customers, tech callsA man purchased a laptop from me. He called about a week later and said that it would no longer boot-up. I tried to troubleshoot with him about what went wrong but he said it wouldn't even start. I had him bring it in and I couldn't get it to work either. I was making preparations to remove the hard drive so I could put it into a new laptop for him. When I turned it over, I saw 16 nicely drilled holes in the bottom of the case. I asked him how this had happened and he said that it was getting hot sitting on his lap all the time, so he drilled some air holes in it. "Could that be the problem?" he asked.

tech humor, tech funnies, dumb customers, tech calls"I downloaded Netscape and tried to install it. It said not to install this version if I was running Win95. So I uninstalled 95..."

tech humor, tech funnies, dumb customers, tech callsCompaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the "Any" key is.

tech humor, tech funnies, dumb customers, tech callsAST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.

tech humor, tech funnies, dumb customers, tech callsAnother AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with photocopies of the floppies.

tech humor, tech funnies, dumb customers, tech callsCaller called me up wanting to send something via email. She said that no matter what she did--it wouldn't go through. After much debating over the settings, I finally got around to asking her what she was trying to send...turns out it was a BOX she wanted to email to her daughter for her birthday!

tech humor, tech funnies, dumb customers, tech callsAnother Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to Fax anything. After 40 minutes of failed problem solving is was discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the "send" key.

tech humor, tech funnies, dumb customers, tech callsA confused caller to IBM was having troubles printing documents. He told the technician that the computer had said it "couldn't find printer". The user had also tried turning the computer screen to face the printer - But that his computer still couldn't "see" the printer.

tech humor, tech funnies, dumb customers, tech callsAn exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't get her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response, "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens." The "foot pedal" turned out to be the computer's mouse.

tech humor, tech funnies, dumb customers, tech callsAn IBM customer had trouble installing software and rang for support. "I put in the first disk, and that was OK. It said to put in the second disk, and had some problems with the disk. When it said to put in the third disk - I couldn't even fit it in..." The user hadn't realized that "Insert Disk 2" meant to remove Disk 1 first.
 
civverguy said:
From this website http://www.yuckitup.com/tech.shtml
Spoiler :
tech humor, tech funnies, dumb customers, tech callsA man purchased a laptop from me. He called about a week later and said that it would no longer boot-up. I tried to troubleshoot with him about what went wrong but he said it wouldn't even start. I had him bring it in and I couldn't get it to work either. I was making preparations to remove the hard drive so I could put it into a new laptop for him. When I turned it over, I saw 16 nicely drilled holes in the bottom of the case. I asked him how this had happened and he said that it was getting hot sitting on his lap all the time, so he drilled some air holes in it. "Could that be the problem?" he asked.

tech humor, tech funnies, dumb customers, tech calls"I downloaded Netscape and tried to install it. It said not to install this version if I was running Win95. So I uninstalled 95..."

tech humor, tech funnies, dumb customers, tech callsCompaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the "Any" key is.

tech humor, tech funnies, dumb customers, tech callsAST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.

tech humor, tech funnies, dumb customers, tech callsAnother AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with photocopies of the floppies.

tech humor, tech funnies, dumb customers, tech callsCaller called me up wanting to send something via email. She said that no matter what she did--it wouldn't go through. After much debating over the settings, I finally got around to asking her what she was trying to send...turns out it was a BOX she wanted to email to her daughter for her birthday!

tech humor, tech funnies, dumb customers, tech callsAnother Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to Fax anything. After 40 minutes of failed problem solving is was discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the "send" key.

tech humor, tech funnies, dumb customers, tech callsA confused caller to IBM was having troubles printing documents. He told the technician that the computer had said it "couldn't find printer". The user had also tried turning the computer screen to face the printer - But that his computer still couldn't "see" the printer.

tech humor, tech funnies, dumb customers, tech callsAn exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't get her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response, "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens." The "foot pedal" turned out to be the computer's mouse.

tech humor, tech funnies, dumb customers, tech callsAn IBM customer had trouble installing software and rang for support. "I put in the first disk, and that was OK. It said to put in the second disk, and had some problems with the disk. When it said to put in the third disk - I couldn't even fit it in..." The user hadn't realized that "Insert Disk 2" meant to remove Disk 1 first.
Click to expand...
OMG, those aren't real, are they??? Especially the first one.
 
Catharsis said:
I recommend you try Computer Stupidities. It has a lot of newer ones in it.
Click to expand...

:rotfl:

I haven't laughed this hard from the Internet in ages! :lol:


However I did notice something:
* Customer: "Excuse me, there is an empty-folder virus on my disk."
Click to expand...

There is a well-known worm (I forgot its name) that really is very dangerous and hard to remove, and that appears as an empty "New Folder" on any partition of the infected hard disk... It's also known to disappear immediately (auto-erase) when you browse the particular disk, but on slower computers it can take up to 10 seconds (or even more, but I haven't seen it) to disappear. So yes, that person might actually have a big problem. It corrupts all .exe files and causes some problems with the registry, which can get very bad...
 
Ok a men and a boy are going into a dark forest. After a while the boy is looking at the man and saying:
"It is so dark here. I am really scared!"
Then the man answers:
"How do you think I feel? I have to go all the way back alone!"
 
i had a really bad day
I got into a car accident, rear ended someone
turns out its a midget,
he screams at me, IM NOT HAPPY...
so I ask, ok, then which one are ya?

and thats when the fight started....
 
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