#~~ The HEhe HAha Joke Thread ~~#

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One weekend, the husband is in the bathroom shaving when the kid he hired to mow his lawn, a local kid named Bubba, comes in to pee. The husband slyly looks over and is shocked at how immensely endowed Bubba is. He can't help himself, and asks Bubba what his secret is.
"Well," says Bubba, "every night before I climb into bed with a girl, I whack my penis on the bedpost three times. It works, and it sure impresses the girls!"

The husband was excited at this easy suggestion and decided to try it that very night. So before climbing into bed with his wife, he took out his penis and whacked it three times on the bedpost. His wife, half-asleep, said, "Bubba? Is that you?"
 
What do German Air Force pilots eat for breakfast every morning?

Spoiler :
Luftwaffles
 
An Explorer in Africa was captured by natives and was brought by to their village. The explorer then prayed to G-d saying

"My Lord, please protect me, I dont want to die, I dont want to be dead."

Then suddenly a voice spoke up.

"It is I, your god and you will not be dead. Pick up that stone and throw it at the cheif with the feather hat."

The explorer obeyed and threw the rock and the cheif was furious at it

"Now what?" the explorer asked G-d

"Now, your dead"
 
Where is your G-d now?!!

Old but (occasionally) gold

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me a lift?' I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'

So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you'.

I went to the doctors. He said 'What appears to be the problem?'. I said 'I keep having the same dream, night after night, beautiful girls rushing towards me and I keep pushing them away'. He said 'How can I help?'. I said 'Break my arms!'

A man walks into a greengrocer's and says, I want five pounds of potatoes please. And the greengrocer says, we only sell kilos. So the man says, alright then, I'll have five pounds of kilos

Sometimes I drink my whiskey neat. Other times I take my tie off and leave my shirt out.

'Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home.' Doc says 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. ' I said 'Is it common?' He says 'It's not unusual.'

So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from'.

So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said 'You've been promoted.' And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said 'You've been promoted again.' And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I said 'I careered off the road.'

Two aerials meet on a roof - fell in love - got married. The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant.

I went to the doctor the other day, I said I've broke my leg in two places. He said 'don't go to those places'.
 
There's this bar on the last floor of a very high building. Joe comes and ask a beer to the landlord. Near Joe is a guy who looks like he isn't on his first drink...
"Landlord, give me a Magic Drink"
The Bartender makes a cocktail and gives it to the drunk. The guy drinks it, goes near a window-door, opens it, jumps and... floats!!!
When the guy comes back to the bar, Joe ask him:
"whoa, how did you do that?
-well, I know very well the bartender and his the grand-grand-son of a great wizard who invented the flight potion. And in his family, the pass the secret to each other...
-whoa, that's fantastic!!!
-yeah you wanna try?
-sure!!!
-Landlord, 2 magic drink, please..."
The Barman serves them 2 glass of Magic Drink, they drink it and goes to the windows.
Joe is a little afraid but the man jump off the windows and float...
Joe hesitate a little but finally jump...and fall of the building and dies.
The Bartender say:
"You're an as**ole when you're drunk, Superman...."
 
A man and a women were getting married
One afternoon, when the bride was out picking out plates for the wedding, the groom and his future sister-in-law was stuffin invitations. They were having a normal chat when the sister started flirting with him. Seductivly luring him, she says that she always liked him, and this was the last time that she would have sex with him before the big day.
The groom stood up and walked away and out the door, to his car when suddenly he heard his future father-in-law call him telling him now he could trust him to marry his daughter for choosing the right thing and called him back in.

So the moral of the story is to....

Spoiler :
Always keep your condoms in the car
 
Spoiler :
A man and woman is having sexual intercourse. The woman is below the man and she caresses his head while he does it. He, being confused with the head thing, asks her why she touches his head in that way. "It's because you are making love like a devil, and I'm looking for the horns," she answers.

Later, they change positions and the woman is on top. Now, the man caresses her head too. She becomes very proud and asks him if it's because she makes love like a devil.

"No," he says, "It's because you are heavy like a cow."


:D :D :D :D :D :D
 
A female officer arrests a drunk. She warns him, "You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be held against you." The drunk replies, "Boobs."
 
A officer arrest a driver visibly drunk.
-Hey, would you blow in the ethylotest?
-sorry officer, i can't, i'm asthmatic. Such an effort for my lungs could give me a crisis and i could die. Look, here's all my medication...
-well, ok, i take you into my car back to the police station and we will take some of your blood with a syringe and send it to analysis...
-sorry officer, i can't do that. I'm hemophiliac and if you take some of my blood, i won't stop bleeding and i could die...
-ok, then i take you to the hospital and you will pee and we will analyse your urine...
-sorry officer, i can't do that. i've just had an operation on my privacies and if i pee in your tube, i could catch some bacteria and i could die...
-well enough, just walk on the white line, try to keep balance and then disappear of my view...
-sorry, i can't do that, officer...
-why?
-because i'm drunk...."
 
Own said:
I actually made these up.

What did George W. Bush say after catcing a huge fish off the side of an aircraft carrier?

Fishin' accomplished

What famous painting depicts grizzlies attacking a Spanish city?

Buernica
Click to expand...
Very good powns :)
 
How to Tell the Sex of a Fly

A woman came home to find her husband stalking the kitchen with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"Hunting flies" he responded.

"Killed any yet?"

"Yep, 3 males and 2 females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked, "How can you tell them apart?"

"3 were on a beer can and 2 were on the phone."

:crazyeye:
 
Shrek3 said:
How to Tell the Sex of a Fly

A woman came home to find her husband stalking the kitchen with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"Hunting flies" he responded.

"Killed any yet?"

"Yep, 3 males and 2 females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked, "How can you tell them apart?"

"3 were on a beer can and 2 were on the phone."

:crazyeye:
Click to expand...

Older than my mom
 
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