On the first day of school in America, a teacher decided to get to know the kids by asking them their names and what their fathers did for a living. The first little girl said: "My name is Mary and my daddy is a postman." The next little boy said: "I'm Andy and my dad is a mechanic." Then another little boy said: "My name is Jimmy and my father is a striptease dancer in a cabaret for gay men." The teacher gasped and quickly changed the subject, but later in the schoolyard the teacher approached Jimmy privately and asked if it was really true that his dad danced nude in a gay bar. The kid blushed and said, "I'm sorry, but my dad is an investment banker at Lehman Brothers and I was just too embarrassed to say so."
#~~ The HEhe HAha Joke Thread ~~#
- Thread starter Abaddon
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KaiserElectric
Total Freakin Besties
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Bigfoot3814
Deity
Boogie made it better, in my opinion.
Cheezy the Wiz
Socialist In A Hurry
I'm so using this tonight.
Mirc
Not mIRC!!!
Michael Jackson was on the Titanic. The captain sees the iceberg, realizes there's nothing more that can be done to save the ship, starts the alarm and shouts "Everybody head quickly towards the save boats! Save your own lifes, we are going doooowwn!".
A voice answers: "No, let's save the children first!!!".
The captain: "F@#$ the children!!".
Michael Jackson: "Do we have time?"
A voice answers: "No, let's save the children first!!!".
The captain: "F@#$ the children!!".
Michael Jackson: "Do we have time?"
Onionsoilder
Reaver
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God calls Michael Jackson, Bill Gates, and President Bush to Heaven to talk to them. After they all arrive, God says "I have some good news, and some bad news. The good news is that you three are the most important people in the world. The bad news is that the world will be ending next week." Then, God dismisses them and sends them back to Earth.
Back on Earth, Michael Jackson gets on T.V. and says "I have some good news, and some bad news. The good news is that I am one of the three most important people in the world. The bad news is that the world will be ending next week." President Bush then gives a speech, and says "I have some good news, and some bad news. The good news is that like Michael Jackson, I am also one of the three most important people in the world. Unfortunately, what he said is true - the world really will be ending next week."
The following Monday Bill Gates gives an address to all Microsoft employees. In the address, he says "I have some good news, and some great news. The good news is that like Michael Jackson and President Bush, I am one of the three most important people in the world. The great news is that we don't have to worry about fixing Vista!"
Back on Earth, Michael Jackson gets on T.V. and says "I have some good news, and some bad news. The good news is that I am one of the three most important people in the world. The bad news is that the world will be ending next week." President Bush then gives a speech, and says "I have some good news, and some bad news. The good news is that like Michael Jackson, I am also one of the three most important people in the world. Unfortunately, what he said is true - the world really will be ending next week."
The following Monday Bill Gates gives an address to all Microsoft employees. In the address, he says "I have some good news, and some great news. The good news is that like Michael Jackson and President Bush, I am one of the three most important people in the world. The great news is that we don't have to worry about fixing Vista!"
Icekommander
Colonel
Whats Brown and Sticky?
A Stick!
How do you know if an elephant has been in the fridge?
Footprints in the butter!
How do you put an elephant in the fridge anyway?
Three steps: Open the fridge, put the elephant in, close the fridge.
Well what about a griaffe?
Four steps: Open the fridge, take the elephant out, put the griaffe in, close the fridge.
The Lion King calls for a meeting with all the animals in the animal kingdom. What animal doesn't attend?
The giraffe. It's stuck in the fridge.
How do you cross a alligator infested bridge?
Walk across it. THe alligators are at the meeting too.
A Stick!
How do you know if an elephant has been in the fridge?
Footprints in the butter!
How do you put an elephant in the fridge anyway?
Three steps: Open the fridge, put the elephant in, close the fridge.
Well what about a griaffe?
Four steps: Open the fridge, take the elephant out, put the griaffe in, close the fridge.
The Lion King calls for a meeting with all the animals in the animal kingdom. What animal doesn't attend?
The giraffe. It's stuck in the fridge.
How do you cross a alligator infested bridge?
Walk across it. THe alligators are at the meeting too.
plarq
Crazy forever
Just literally translate it--it's much better than babelfish--point human +1, machine -1
Two guys and Jesus are playing golf. Jesus has the honors (being Christ and all) and tees up first at number one. He hits a long drive that's going way, way out of bounds, but an eagle swoops down, catches the ball, and brings it on the fairway. Then it starts pouring rain and even flooding, which carries the ball right up to the green and within a foot of the hole. Then a lightning strike knocks the ball in for a hole in one. One of the guys says to Jesus, "C'mon Jesus, you here to play or just mess around?"
holy king
Deity
wouldnt that be funnier if jesus' name wasnt mentioned until the punchline?
Onionsoilder
Reaver
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Yeah, it would have been.
Onionsoilder
Reaver
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That is even better.
No, my version is best. Two random guys playing golf with Jesus is already funny as an idea. And then the way that one can deliver the "punchline" with just a normal dude acting irritated with Jesus is also funny. Not mentioning Jesus until the end may make a more intense punchline, but that's not the kind of joke this is. And substituting Moses and an old man in may allow the kind of funny connection of supernatural beings with normal human interactions (we've all probably told our dads to stop cheating in jest at some point in our lives right? Wouldn't it be funny if religious figures did that too?), but this substitution also takes away the average-dudes-not-only-playing-golf-with-the-
actual-Jesus-but-also-getting-irritated-with-him angle. Sorry, my version is better.
actual-Jesus-but-also-getting-irritated-with-him angle. Sorry, my version is better.
Onionsoilder
Reaver
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Simple Simon
Simpleton
a joke I was told by a young New York rabbi. I'll translate as well as I can; he told it to me in Yiddish, which made it a bit of a strain to understand. I'll try to preserve some of the language peculiarities, too.
A Jewish man discovers that his son has converted to Christianity, he had himself baptized. The old man is confused, and hurt, and a bit clueless as to how to react. So he goes to see his rabbi.
'Rabbi Rosenthal, say, can you help me? I have a son, a good son, a sheyner son.'
'Nu, how can I help you with him?'
'my son, I made a nice testament for him. And now, he is narrish, the klutz! The ganef! He has gone and become a goy, he had himself baptized!'
'Ah vey! I know that, I know that well! See, I had a son, a good son, a sheyner son. I made a nice testament for him. And then, he went narrish, the klutz! The ganef! He went and became a goy, he had himself baptized!'
'Nu, Rabbi, what did you done then?'
'Nu, I asked the Lord what to do.'
'And what did the Lord say?'
'Nu, he said, I know, I know that, I know that well! See, I had a son, a good son, a sheyner son. I made a nice testament for him. And then, he went narrish, the klutz! The ganef! He went and became a goy, he had himself baptized!'
'Nu, Lord, what did you done then?' I asked.
'Nu, the Lord said, I made him a New Testament!'
A Jewish man discovers that his son has converted to Christianity, he had himself baptized. The old man is confused, and hurt, and a bit clueless as to how to react. So he goes to see his rabbi.
'Rabbi Rosenthal, say, can you help me? I have a son, a good son, a sheyner son.'
'Nu, how can I help you with him?'
'my son, I made a nice testament for him. And now, he is narrish, the klutz! The ganef! He has gone and become a goy, he had himself baptized!'
'Ah vey! I know that, I know that well! See, I had a son, a good son, a sheyner son. I made a nice testament for him. And then, he went narrish, the klutz! The ganef! He went and became a goy, he had himself baptized!'
'Nu, Rabbi, what did you done then?'
'Nu, I asked the Lord what to do.'
'And what did the Lord say?'
'Nu, he said, I know, I know that, I know that well! See, I had a son, a good son, a sheyner son. I made a nice testament for him. And then, he went narrish, the klutz! The ganef! He went and became a goy, he had himself baptized!'
'Nu, Lord, what did you done then?' I asked.
'Nu, the Lord said, I made him a New Testament!'
ArneHD
Just a little bit mad
^^ I've heard that joke a little differently:
"An old Jewish man had a son whom he felt was spiritually lacking. So he got him to go on a journey to Israel, hoping that the spiritual experience would make him a more observant man. The son went and returned, but not as the man had intended: "Father, I, I had the most amazing experience in Israel, and I must thank you. But I also converted to Christianity!"
The man, somewhat disturbed by this, went to his jewish neighbor and asked him for advice: "That's odd" said the neighbor "I also had a son whom I sent to Israel and who returned a christian". Discussing the matter, they decided to consult the rabbi.
The rabbi, upon hearing their story, said "That's odd, I also had a son whom I sent to Israel and who returned a christian." They were at a loss as to whom to turn to, but the rabbi mentioned an old and wise teacher of his who could perhaps help them.
The teacher listened carefully, but said in the end: "That's odd, I also had a son whom I sent to Israel and who returned a christian." Now convinced that it was happening everywhere they concluded that only by turning to god could they solve this issue.
So they spent the night in prayer. "God, our children have visited Israel and come back christian. What should we do?" A great booming voice is heard: "That's odd, I also had a son whom I sent to Israel..."
"An old Jewish man had a son whom he felt was spiritually lacking. So he got him to go on a journey to Israel, hoping that the spiritual experience would make him a more observant man. The son went and returned, but not as the man had intended: "Father, I, I had the most amazing experience in Israel, and I must thank you. But I also converted to Christianity!"
The man, somewhat disturbed by this, went to his jewish neighbor and asked him for advice: "That's odd" said the neighbor "I also had a son whom I sent to Israel and who returned a christian". Discussing the matter, they decided to consult the rabbi.
The rabbi, upon hearing their story, said "That's odd, I also had a son whom I sent to Israel and who returned a christian." They were at a loss as to whom to turn to, but the rabbi mentioned an old and wise teacher of his who could perhaps help them.
The teacher listened carefully, but said in the end: "That's odd, I also had a son whom I sent to Israel and who returned a christian." Now convinced that it was happening everywhere they concluded that only by turning to god could they solve this issue.
So they spent the night in prayer. "God, our children have visited Israel and come back christian. What should we do?" A great booming voice is heard: "That's odd, I also had a son whom I sent to Israel..."
Simple Simon
Simpleton
Arne, that version is also great! What made the joke especially fun for me, however, is the way the rabbi told it. I could understand enough of the Yiddish to not need explanations, which added a LOT to the joke. Especially the way the told it less and less slang going from the man to the rabbi to god - but God also said 'ganef' and 'klutz' 
Dumanios
Hakugyukurou Gardener
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The general was angry that ten of his soldiers were late.Then the first one came and gave the excuse "Sorry sir,I had date but it ran a little late,I tried to catch a bus but I missed it,I got a cab but it broke down in front of a ranch,so I got a horse but it died,in the I had to run three miles to get here!"The general let him in.then eight other soldiers came in,with the same story.The general also let them in.Then the tenth soldier came and said"sorry sir,I had a date but it ran a little late,I tried to catch a bus but I missed,I got a cab and-"
"Let me guess"the general interrupted"It broke done."
"No sir.there were so many died horses in the road that it ttoke forever to get around."
"Let me guess"the general interrupted"It broke done."
"No sir.there were so many died horses in the road that it ttoke forever to get around."
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