#~~ The HEhe HAha Joke Thread ~~#

[Matthew5117]

Not sure if Mods will think it is inappropriate or it has been posted already... but nonetheless, its hilarious.

A man calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck.

She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.

The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."

Without a second thought, he takes off after her.

A few miles later huffing and puffing, he finally gives up.

The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens.

On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised.

He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program.

The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning and beautiful woman he has ever seen in his life.

She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me you can have me."

Well, he's out the door after her like a shot.

This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck.

So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.

Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised.

He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program.

"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program."

"Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."

The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads,"If I catch you, you are mine!!!"

He lost 63 pounds that week.

 

[SS-18 ICBM]

at that one.

What allows you to pass through walls?

Spoiler :

A gate.

 

[Love]

last one is really lame

 

[mechaerik]

@Matthew5117

Dude, i totally heard that one on my dad's [spanish] radio. That was hilarious, but it had a different ending. He had caught both women, but he couldn't get away from the man.

 

[Matthew5117]

Really? Do you think the where the website I found that was the story got if from the radio or vice versa?

Anyways, if anyone wants another story, here's one (it's not as funny but as long as its true, which it is, its a Heha HAha joke ):

A mother was taking a shower when her2 year old son came into the bathroom and wrapped himself in toilet paper. Although he made a mess, he looked adorable, so she ran for my camera and took a few shots. They came out so well that she had copies made and included one with each of their Christmas cards. Days later, a relative called about the picture, laughing hysterically, and suggesting that she take a closer look. Puzzled, the mother stared at the photo and was shocked to discover that in addition to her son, she had captured her reflection in the mirror wearing nothing but a camera!

 

[IAM]

How many flies does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two.. but I want to know how they got in there.

 

[PhroX]

Read most of the thread and I don't remembre seeing these:


A synagogue is visited by a tax inspector. After looking around, the taxman asks the rabbi,
"You have a lot of candles here, what do you do with all the unburt stubs?"
"Well," the rabbi replies, "we collect them up and send them back to the candlemakers, and, after a while, they send us a free pack of candles.
"And what about the wafers?" asks the taxman, "There must be quite a lot of crumbs from them"
"We don't waste them either, we collect up all the crumbs, send them back to the makers, and after a while, they send us a free box of wafers."
"Thats good, but you also must do a lot of circumcisions here. What do you do with all the foreskins?"
"Again, we make good use of them," replies the rabbi, "We collect them up, send them to the IRS, and every year they send back a complete ****"



Thats brought to mind another rabbi joke, so I'll put that one up too:

A synagogue and a church are located opposite each other, and by coincidence, the rabbi and the minister live close to each other, but on the other side of town. Respite their religious differences, they get along well, and decide that it would make life easier if they bought a car together, so they do just that.

The next morning, the rabbi comes out of his house to see the minister pouring water over their new car. Rather puzzled, he asks what's happening. The minister replies that he's just blessing their new car with holy water. The rabbi thinks about this for a bit, before going back inside. A few minutes later, he emerges with a hacksaw and proceeds to cut two inches off the exhaust pipe.



Oh, and while I'm on the subject, here's a quickie:

Did you hear about the drunken rabbi?

Spoiler :

He got the sack!

Aaaaand...lets have some chav jokes. Because laughing at is the only good use for chavs

What do you call a chav in a box?
Innit

What do you call a chav in a box with a lock?
Safe

What do you call a chav in a filing cabinet?
Sorted

Two chavs are in a car and there's no music playing, who's driving?
The police

What's the first question at a chav quiz?
What'choo lookin' at?

You're driving down the street when you see a chav on a bike. Why should you swerve to avoid him?
It's probably your bike

Whats faster than a chav with a TV?
His mate with your DVD player.

How can you identify the bride at a chav wedding?
She's the one in the white tracksuit

What do you call an eskimo chav?
Inuinnit

What do you call a chav in a suit?
The defendant

I could go on in the same vein all night...

 

[Abaddon]

Please do!

 

[PhroX]

Please do!

More chav jokes? Ah, why not...

How do you get 10 chavs in a mini?
Throw in a giro.

How do you get 10 chavs out of a mini?
Throw in a job application

What do you call a 30 year old chavette?
Granny

Whats the difference between a chav and a park bench?
The bench can support a family of four

A recent survey asked Britains chavs if they'd prefer the pound or the euro. They said neither; they'd prefer to keep the giro

Whats the difference between a chav and Batman?
Batman sometimes goes out without Robin

Why did the chav cross the road?
To start a fight with a random stranger for apparent no reason at all.

What do you say to a chav on a bike?
Stop! Thief!

The Chav Nativity

There’s this bird called Mary, yeah? She’s a virgin (wossat then?) She’s not married or nuffink, but she’s got this boyfriend, Joe, innit?He does joinery an’ that. Mary lives with him in a crib dahn Nazaref.

One day Mary meets this bloke Gabriel. She’s like ‘Oo ya lookin at?’

Gabriel just goes ‘You got one up the duff, you have.’

Mary’s totally gobsmacked. She gives it to him large ‘Stop dissin’ me yeah? I ain’t no Kappa-slapper. I never bin wiv no one!’

So Mary goes and sees her cousin Liz, who’s six months gone herself.

Liz is largin’ it. She’s filled with spirits, Barcardi Breezers an’ that. She’s like ‘Orright, Mary, I can feel me bay-bee in me tummy and I reckon I’m well blessed. Think of all the extra benefits an’ that we are gonna get.’

Mary goes ‘Yeah, s’pose you’re right’

Mary an’ Joe ain’t got no money so they have to ponse a donkey, an’ go dahn Bethlehem on that. They get to this pub an’ Mary wants to stop, yeah? To have her bay-bee an’ that.

But there ain’t no room at the inn, innit? So Mary an’ Joe break an’ enter into this garridge, only it’s filled wiv animals. Cahs an’ sheep an’ that.

Then these three geezers turn up, looking proper bling, wiv crowns on their heads. They’re like ‘Respect, bay-bee Jesus’, an’ say they’re wise men from the East End.

Joe goes: ‘If you’re so wise, wotchoo doin’ wiv this Frankenstein an’ myrrh?

Why dincha just bring gold, Adidas and Burberry?’

It’s all about to kick off when Gabriel turns up again an’ sez he’s got another message from this Lord geezer.

He’s like ‘The police is comin an’ they’re killin all the bay-bees. You better nash off to Egypt.’

Joe goes ‘You must be monged if you think I’m goin’ dahn Egypt on a minging donkey’

Gabriel sez ‘Suit yerself, pal. But it’s your look out if you stay.’

So they go dahn Egypt till they’ve stopped killin the first-born an’ it’s safe an’that.

Then Joe and Mary and Jesus go back to Nazaref, an’ Jesus turns water into Stella.

 

[Camikaze]

Perhaps slightly tasteless, but...

What do 9 out of 10 people enjoy?

Spoiler :

Moderator Action: A joke a bit less hateful than the one that was here.

 

[classical_hero]

The Chave Nativity one was excellent.

 

[PhroX]

How do you tell a mathematician from a physicist?

Give them both a kettle of cold water, and ask them to make a cup of tea. Both will boil the kettle, then pour the hot water into a cup with a teabag. Now, give them a kettle full of boiling water and ask them to make another cup of tea. The physicist will just pour the hot water into the teacup. The mathematician though, will empty the hot water down the drain and refill the kettle with cold - thus reducing the problem to one already solved.

 

[IAM]

How many lawyers does it take to scew in a light bulb?

None, they just get you to hold the light bulb then they screw you.

 

[dwaxe]

Quote from a chat room:

<JonJonB> Purely in the interests of science, I have replaced the word "wand" with "wang" in the first Harry Potter Book
<JonJonB> Let's see the results...

<JonJonB> "Why aren't you supposed to do magic?" asked Harry.
<JonJonB> "Oh, well -- I was at Hogwarts meself but I -- er -- got expelled, ter tell yeh the truth. In me third year. They snapped me wang in half an' everything

<JonJonB> A magic wang... this was what Harry had been really looking forward to.

<JonJonB> "Yes, yes. I thought I'd be seeing you soon. Harry Potter." It wasn't a question. "You have your mother's eyes. It seems only yesterday she was in here herself, buying her first wang. Ten and a quarter inches long, swishy, made of willow. Nice wang for charm work."
<JonJonB> "Your father, on the other hand, favored a mahogany wang. Eleven inches. "

<JonJonB> Harry took the wang. He felt a sudden warmth in his fingers. He raised the wang above his head, brought it swishing down through the dusty air and a stream of red and gold sparks shot from the end like a firework, throwing dancing spots of light on to the walls

<JonJonB> "Oh, move over," Hermione snarled. She grabbed Harry's wang, tapped the lock, and whispered, 'Alohomora!"

<JonJonB> The troll couldn't feel Harry hanging there, but even a troll will notice if you stick a long bit of wood up its nose, and Harry's wang had still been in his hand when he'd jumped - it had gone straight up one of the troll's nostrils.

<JonJonB> He bent down and pulled his wang out of the troll's nose. It was covered in what looked like lumpy gray glue.

<JonJonB> He ran onto the field as you fell, waved his wang, and you sort of slowed down before you hit the ground. Then he whirled his wang at the dementors. Shot silver stuff at them.

<JonJonB> Ok
<JonJonB> I have found, definitive proof
<JonJonB> that J.K Rowling is a dirty DIRTY woman, making a fool of us all
<JonJonB> "Yes," Harry said, gripping his wang very tightly, and moving into the middle of the deserted classroom. He tried to keep his mind on flying, but something else kept intruding.... Any second now, he might hear his mother again... but he shouldn't think that, or he would hear her again, and he didn't want to... or did he?
<melusine > O_______O
<JonJonB> Something silver-white, something enormous, erupted from the end of his wang

<JonJonJonB> Then, with a sigh, he raised his wang and prodded the silvery substance with its tip.

<JonJonJonB> 'Get - off - me!' Harry gasped. For a few seconds they struggled, Harry pulling at his uncles sausage-like fingers with his left hand, his right maintaining a firm grip on his raised wang.

 

[SS-18 ICBM]

The chav jokes and the chat room one were quite excellent

------
Two Rabbis argued late into the night about the existence of God, and, using strong arguments from the scriptures, ended up indisputably disproving His existence. The next day, one Rabbi was surprised to see the other walking into the Shul for morning services.

"I thought we had agreed there was no God", he said.

"Yes, what does that have to do with it?" replied the other.

 

[PhroX]

The chav jokes and the chat room one were quite excellent

Well, here's another:

A chav is sitting in a pub drinking Stella when a prim little gay man walks in and sits by him. The gay man likes a bit of rough, so he leans over to the chav and whispers into his ear, "Would you like a blow-job?"

The chav turns round and punches the gay man in the face. The barman runs up and asks "What did you do that for? What did he say to you?"

"Dunno" replies the chav, "something 'bout a job"

 

[classical_hero]

Mole Family

A papa mole, a mama mole, and a baby mole all live together in a little mole hole.

One day, papa mole sticks his head out of the hole, sniffs the air and said, 'Yum! I smell maple syrup!'

The mama mole sticks her head out of the hole, sniffs the air and said, 'Oh, Yum! I smell honey!'

Now baby mole is trying to stick his head out of the hole to sniff the air, but can't because the bigger moles are in the way. This makes him whine, 'Geez, all I can smell is....

MOLASSES

 

[tycoonist]

i hope this hasn't been told before...

in a region in central Africa, there are around 100 tribes. each tribe lives in separate villages of grass huts, and the leader of each tribe sits on a large throne, the symbol of their power.

however, one tribe becomes particularly successful, conquering the neighboring tribes, one by one. after defeating a tribe, they take their throne and put it on top of the largest grass hut in the village, as a sign of their growing power. eventually they conquer every tribe in the area, piling over 100 thrones onto the grass hut.

to celebrate, the members of the victorious tribe gather for a party underneath the roof of the largest grass hut. unfourtunately, the hut collapses due to the weight of the thrones, crushing the entire tribe.

and the morale of the story is:

Spoiler :

people who live in grass huts shouldn't stow thrones!

 

[ERLoft]

Dunno if this has been here before, but it's short, it's funny and it might be a wee bit bad....


What do Pink Floyd and Dale Earnhardt have in common?


Scroll down!




































Both of their last hits were 'The Wall'

 

[Bllasae]

Not sure if Mods will think it is inappropriate or it has been posted already... but nonetheless, its hilarious.

This is one of the best jokes I've ever heard.