The LAMEST jokes you can think of...

[Pirate]

...(No, I'm not gay. )

No one thought you were until you said that.

Ok another lame one (long too):
A young polar bear walks up to his sister and asks "Hey sis, how do I know that I'm a polar bear?"
"Because you are, moron" his sister says, "why don't you go ask mom?"
So the young polar bear goes to his mother and asks "Hey mom, how do I know I'm a polar bear?"
His mom answers "Well, I'm a polar bear and your father's a polar bear, so you must be a polar bear."
"I still don't know" says the young polar bear.
The mother bear answers, "Well then go ask your father."
So the young polar bear goes to his father and asks "Hey dad, how do I know I know I'm a polar bear?"
The father answers "because you come from a long line of polar bears. I'm a polar bear like my father and your grandfather is a polar bear like his father."
"I still don't know" says the young polar bear.
The father asks "Son, why do you think you're not a polar bear?"
The son answers, "Because I'm f***ing cold, Dad!!"

 

[The Person]

A little assortment of elephant jokes:

Q: How does an elephant get up in a tree?
A: He climbs it.

Q: How does an elephant get off the tree?
A: He sits on a leaf and waits for fall. (<---Double meaning, haha)

Q: How do you get an elephant into a refrigerator?
A: You open the door.

Q: How do you get four elephants into a car?
A: Two in the front seat, two in the back seat.

Go, boobah!

Rating since last rating: (1 - 6)

 

[mabellino]

There are two cows in a field.
The first cow says "Mooooo!", the second cow says "B@$tard, I was going to say that!"

 

[Turner]

Long, long ago, in the Kindom of Boredtopia, there was a resistance movement that was trying to overthrow the king.

One day, the king's spies caught the leader of the resistance, a count. King comes up to the Count and says "Tell me who else is in your group, or I'll kill you."

The Count remain silent.

The next day, Kingy comes in and says "I'm serious, if you don't tell me who's in your group, you will die."

Again, the Count remains silent.

On the third day, The Kingmeister comes into the dungeon and says "This is your last chance. If you don't tell me who's in your group, tomorrow I will kill you."

As before, the Count remains silent.

The next day, the King has the Count brought out to the courtyard for his execution. "This is absolutely your last chance. Tell me who's in your group, or you will die."

The Count says nothing, and the King motions to the execution to do his deed.

As the axe is falling, the Count suddenly cries out "Wait! I'll tell you!" But it's too late, his head is cut off.

The king jumps up and says "You Fool! How many times have I told you not to hatchet your counts before they chicken!"

 

[LLXerxes]

Getting pretty lame here ! That is the objection right?

 

[Dabomb18359]

Well, considering it's supposed to be lamest jokes you can think of, they are probably going to be pretty lame. But lame isn't necesarrily bad.

 

[TimTheEnchanter]

It’s hard to beat the many variations of Elephant jokes for lameness. Some of these are repeats, but I thought it would help to get close to a full set all together.

Q: How do you tell if there is an elephant in your refrigerator?
A: Look for his footprints in the cheesecake.

Q: How do you tell if there are two elephants in your refrigerator?
A: Look for two sets of footprints side by side.

Q: How do you tell if there are three elephants in your refrigerator?
A: The door won't close.

Q: How many giraffes will fit in the refrigerator?
A: None: there are already too many elephants in there.

Q: How do you get an elephant into a Volkswagon Beetle?
A: Open the door, insert elephant, close door.

Q: How do you get 4 elephants in a Volkswagon?
A: Two in the front and two in the back

Q: How do you know if an elephant is visiting your house?
A: There is a Volkswagon parked outside with 3 elephants in it.

Q: How do you get 8 elephants in a refrigerator?
A: Put 4 elephants in one Volkswagon, put four elephants in another Volkswagon, and put the two Volkswagons in the refrigerator.

Q: But two Volkswagons won't fit in a refrigerator...
A: There were two elephants in there, and a Volkswagon isn't as big as an elephant!

Q: How do you make an elephant float?
A: With two scoops of ice-cream, a bottle of cream soda, and an elephant.

Q: Why are elephants large, grey, and wrinkled?
A: Because if they were small, white, and smooth they would be aspirins.

Q: Why did the elephant wear dark sunglasses?
A: So he wouldn't be recognized.

Q: What did Tarzan say when the elephant came up over the hill?
A: Nothing. He didn't recognize the elephant because he was wearing dark sunglasses.

Q: What did the cat say to the elephant?
A: Meow.

Q: Why do elephants wear red toenail polish?
A: Oops, sorry, no Polish jokes allowed.

Q: Why do elephants paint their toenails red?
A: So they can hide in the strawberry patch.

Q: But there aren't any elephants in the strawberry patch!
A: See, their camouflage is working.

Q: How do you get an elephant to the top of an oak tree?
A: Plant an acorn under him and wait 50 years.

Q: What if I don't want to wait 50 years?
A: Put a parachute on the elephant and drop him from an elecopter.

Q: How do you get an elephant down from an oak tree?
A: Tell him to sit on a leaf and wait until autumn.

Q: Why are alligators long and flat?
A: They must have gotten too close to the oak tree.

Q: What's the difference between an African elephant and an Indian elephant?
A: About 3000 miles.

Q: What's the difference between an elephant and a flea?
A: An elephant can have fleas, but a flea can't have elephants.

Q: What's the difference between an elephant and an egg?
A: If you don't know, I hope you don't do the grocery shopping!

Q: Why did the elephant cross the road?
A: It was the chicken's day off.

Q: Why did the Frenchman sprinkle salt on the road?
A: To keep elephants away.

Q: But there are no elephants in France.
A: See, it's working!

Q: What do you do with a blue elephant?
A: Cheer him up.

Q: Where is the best place to see a herd of charging elephants?
A: On elevision.

Q: How do you keep an elephant from charging?
A: Take away his credit cards.

 

[TimTheEnchanter]

In a similar vein to the Elephant jokes is this 4 question quiz to determine your readiness for work as a professional.


1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?











The correct answer is:
Open the refrigerator door, put in the giraffe and close the door.

This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.

2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?













Wrong Answer:
Open the refrigerator door, put in the elephant and close the refrigerator.

Correct Answer:
Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door.

This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your actions.


3. The Lion King is hosting an Animal Conference. All the animals attend except one. Which animal does not attend?


















Correct Answer:
The Elephant. The Elephant is in the refrigerator.

This tests your memory. OK, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to show your abilities.


4. There is a river you must cross. But it is known to be inhabited by crocodiles. How do you manage it?














Correct Answer:
You swim across. All the Crocodiles are attending the Animal Conference.

This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.

According to a major consulting firm, around 90% of the professionals they tested got all questions wrong. But many preschoolers got several correct answers.
The consulting company says this conclusively disproves the theory that most professionals have the brains of a four year old!

 

[Gainy]

Just one I made up a few mins ago:

What do you call a male sheep dressed as a bannana?

Bananarama!

 

[LLXerxes]

Lay off the elephants, willya Tim?
Still good jokes.

 

[nonconformist]

Correct Answer:
The Elephant. The Elephant is in the refrigerator.

This tests your memory. OK, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to show your abilities.

I think you have a bad memory. That was question three, so there were only two questions before.

 

[Tsunami23]

Why did Bob eat the banana after he played his soccer game?


Because he was MONKEYing around!!!!!!!

Yeah yeah, I know I'm great.....

 

[LLXerxes]

Here are some increadibly lame knock knock jokes

Knock Knock
Who's there
Bob
Bob who
Bob your neighbor, now let me in

Knock knock
Whos there
Me
Me who
Aha! You fell for it!

Knock knock
Whos there
George Bush
Let me get my gun

Knock knock
Whos there
I'm sorry, I'm at the wrong house

Knock Knock
Who's there
I hate
I hate who?
You

Knock knock
Whos there
Never mind, this joke isn't funny

Knock knock
Didn't you see the sign? No soliciting!

 

[Dabomb18359]

Here's a lame one.

Knock Knock.
Whos there.
Little boy blue.
Little boy blue who.
Michael Jackson.

Heard it at school.

 

[LLXerxes]

Good one, I guess. Even though this is a lame jokes thread.

 

[Dabomb18359]

Well there's no really good jokes thread and I didn't want to start my own. So here's another good one I think.

A man is driving on the highway. He really needs to take a dump. He sees an outhouse about 50 yards off the road. He goes into it and relieves himself normally. He then realizes that there is no toilet paper. He looks around and sees a hole in the wall. There is a sign above it saying "Wipe your a** and stick your fingers in this hole. You will be cleansed by human lips." Kinda befuddled, he wipes his butt, then sticks his two fingers in the hole. There is a man on the other side. When he sticks the fingers in, the man slams them in between two bricks, causing tons of pain for his two fingers. As if by reflex, he sucks on them cause they hurt, causing the sign to have been true all along.

 

[LLXerxes]

Eww....
Man! That wasfunny and sick.

 

[Dabomb18359]

There are some others but they are innapropriate, especially when told by the other kids at my school.

 

[Serutan]

More Elephants:

Q : How do you stop a charging elephant?
A : Take away his credit card.

Q : Why don't you walk through the jungle at 5:30 PM?
A : That's when the elephants jump out of the trees.

Q : Why are pygmies so short?
A : They walk through the jungle at 5:30 PM.

Q : Why to elephants paint their testes red?
A : So they can hide in apple trees.

Q : How did Tarzan die?
A : He was out picking apples.

 

[a1chaos]

What's a fun thing to do?
Watch a baby swing on a clothesline.

What's a funner thing to do?
Stop it with a shovel.
--------------------
What's really sick?
A pile of dead babies

What's really really sick?
A pile of dead babies with a live one at the bottom

What's really really really sick?
A pile of dead babies with the live one trying to eat its way out

What's really really really really sick?
A pile of dead babies with the live one trying to eat its way out and succeeding.
---------------
What's funnier than a dead baby?
A dead baby in a clown costume!
---------------
What's white and can't climb trees?
A fridge!
---------------
What's blue and pale and sits at the bottom of a pool?
A baby that has drowned.

What's green and pale and sits at the bottom of a pool?
The same baby 2 months later.
------------------
How many babies does it take to tile a roof?
Depends how thinly you slice them.

How many babies does it take to paint a house?
Depends how hard you throw them.
-----------------

Someone said they were the king of dead baby jokes...well take that!