The Llamast Jokes Thread... 3

[Gori the Grey]

If a fraction yields a mathematically absurd result, I think I've zeroed in on the problem.

 

[dariusII]

I recently visited the world's greatest postcard museum. It was nothing to write home about.

I noticed the museum was for sale. I'm considering buying it and putting my stamp on it.

 

[Uncle Sparky]

Cannibal (n.) - Someone who is fed up with people.

 

[dariusII]

Cannibal (n.) - Someone who is fed up with people.

A people person! Or is that rather hard to swallow?

 

[Gori the Grey]

Just be careful when he says he wants to have you over for lunch.

 

[dariusII]

That reminds me of a Bob Crane joke of two cannibals sitting down eating dinner:

Cannibal #1: You know, I can't stand my mother-in-law.
Cannibal #2: Well just eat the peas.

 

[Bonyduck Campersang]

With the fist and the dagger, with the rifle and the lance, we will suffer no intrusion from the Infidels of France.

Spoiler Ride to Agadir :

They rode in the morning
Casablanca to the west
On the Atlas Mountain foothills leading down to Marakesh
For Mohammed and Morocco
We had taken up our guns
For the ashes of our fathers and the children of our sons.
For the ashes of our fathers and the children of our sons.
In the dry winds of summer
They were sharpening the blades.
They were riding to act upon the promise we had made.
With the fist and the dagger
With the rifle and the lance
We will suffer no intrusion from the Infidels of France.
We will suffer no intrusion from the Infidels of France.
Ride, ride, ride, ride to Agadir.
Ride, ride, ride, ride to Agadir.
...
Though they were waiting
And they were fifty to our ten
They were easily outnumbered by a smaller force of men.
As the darkness was falling
They were soon to realize
We were going to relieve them of their God-Forsaken lives.
We were going to relieve them of their God-Forsaken lives.

How have I never heard this one before?

 

[Bonyduck Campersang]

For Henry was a voracious reader. His idea of a pleasant evening was to get back to his little flat, take off his coat, put on his slippers, light a pipe, and go on from the point where he had left off the night before in his perusal of the BIS-CAL volume of the Encyclopaedia Britannica—making notes as he read in a stout notebook. He read the BIS-CAL volume because, after many days, he had finished the A-AND, AND-AUS, and the AUS-BIS. There was something admirable—and yet a little horrible—about Henry's method of study. He went after Learning with the cold and dispassionate relentlessness of a stoat pursuing a rabbit. The ordinary man who is paying instalments on the Encyclopaedia Britannica is apt to get over-excited and to skip impatiently to Volume XXVIII (VET-ZYM) to see how it all comes out in the end. Not so Henry. His was not a frivolous mind. He intended to read the Encyclopaedia through, and he was not going to spoil his pleasure by peeping ahead.

- P.G. Wodehouse (The Man With Two Left Feet)

Guess you could call him a paedia-phile

 

[dariusII]

I always wanted to be a tobacconist, but I knew it was just a pipe dream.

Why was I fired as a stockbroker? Oh, gee, I'd hate to speculate.

 

[Uncle Sparky]

Naughty.

Spoiler :

I was kicked out of the craft shop for dipping my scrotum in the glitter...
Pretty nuts, eh?

 

[Ordnael]

Naughty.

Spoiler :

I was kicked out of the craft shop for dipping my scrotum in the glitter...
Pretty nuts, eh?

 

[Uncle Sparky]

The worst job in restaurants is putting soft drinks in order of fizziness...
It is soda grading.

 

[dariusII]

The worst job in restaurants is putting soft grinks in order of fizziness...
It is soda grading.

I'm sorry - did that joke fizzle out or just fall flat? I can't decide.

Just kidding!

 

[dariusII]

Although I'm proud of the fact that my father invented the rear-view mirror, we're not as close as we appear.

One night my wife got really drunk at a party and declared to all that she invented the echo. I said: "Listen to yourself!"

In some circles, I'm considered the inventor of the hula hoop.

The highlight pen will prove itself to be the world's greatest invention ever - mark my words.

The collection plate will be right up there. You can put money on it.

And whoever invented the drone went above and beyond.

 

[Uncle Sparky]

Today is not Assad day in Syria.

 

[Uncle Sparky]

From Johnny Bravo-

Spoiler :

I hear you were looking for a stud.
I got the STD, all I need is U

 

[Uncle Sparky]

Some lawyers are made out of cake. They are known ar tort lawyers.

 

[Bonyduck Campersang]

 

[dariusII]

Today my yoga instructor was really drunk, which put me in an awkward position.

 

[dariusII]

I make extra cash by giving surfing lessons. Don't worry, it's all above board.