The Rules of Being a Man

[PrinceOfLeigh]

We could use a few rules on 1. male underwear 2. flowers and gardens 3. music 4. How to act at the romantic movie your GF tricked you into seeing.

If we are talking about the Rules of Being a Man Whilst Attempting to Pull I would give just one piece of advice (in the form of a motto if you will)

Whatever it takes

 

[Tank_Guy#3]

RULE 1 ~ Never say that another man is good-looking.

Never, ever, under any circumstances. That is more than just not manly, it's downright perverse.

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RULE 2 ~ Never talk to a man you don't know whilst at the urinal and certainly never peak over into his cubicle.

Silence is golden, and only F[edited for moderator appeasement]'s look over.

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RULE 3 ~ Refrain from sending each other birthday cards.

Why give a card, when you can give the gift of strong drink and good company?

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RULE 4 ~ Physical contact must be closely monitored.

Handshakes, that's it, well maybe a high five, but nothing else.

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RULE 5 ~ Always make a determined effort to pay the bill.

Though I despise anything that parts me from money that I don't spend on personal enjoyment, this is a true statement. Just because it's true doesn't mean I have to like it.

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RULE 6 ~ You must offer your coat when a lady is cold.

Not too much of a problem around here. This is Wisconsin, everyone regardless of gender has a good winter coat. If you are stupid enough not to have one, well then I guess you should've used a little foresight.

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RULE 7 ~ It is now OK to moisturise. (check exceptions)

Lotion only on hands, reason being, they spend a lot of time under water (I work at a baitshop remember) and even there sanitation is a huge must. At the end of the day they are nearly cracked and bleeding, it isn't all that painful, but it is annoying getting blood all over everything.

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RULE 8 ~ If there is the option of Steak or Quiche on the menu, for god's sake order the steak!

If you even consider quiche, you should be shot.

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RULE 9 ~ Regarding Crying - don't do it, except:

a) When your team loses - in this case you can do it openly and blubber like an idiot.

b) When there is a bereavement in the family - this must be done reluctantly and in a stiffled fashion. No boo-hoo-hooing, again that's for the ladies and kids. If you feel the need to break down, get it over with quick. The recovery should be noble, with much flaring of the nostrils and whiping of the eye with the back of the hand.

Only right after the fact I find out that a loved one has died, at the funeral, nothing.

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RULE 10 ~ Never read instructions, nor ask for directions or help.

I have an internal compass, that's all I'll ever need. Perhaps on something terribly complex I would use directions, but only if that which I'm making is expensive or irreplaceable, and that I don't want the replacement to be taken out of my paycheck.

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RULE 11 ~ Regarding 'size'. It's so obvious it matters that you should never even bother discussing it.

Why bother even bragging (or BS'ing)? If you're smart (or lucky) she'll find out the truth anyway.

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RULE 12 ~ No blades, no wax, no strips, no buzzing razors near anything but the face and in this case wet shave is what gives you cold steel on skin and greater blood loss. The body is a temple remember, none of the above near any of it.

I don't really shave my face at all. Save for a few areas to keep the goatee properly shaped.

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RULE 13 ~ Real men do not hit women in any circumstance.

Hit me all you want, knock yourself out champ. Though you won't do much damage.

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RULE 14 ~ Regarding Dancing: If you are good, do it, (and make sure it gets you laid). If you not good - don't do it.

I save everyone else the pain of watching me dance by abstaining. Even if I could dance good I wouldn't do it.

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RULE 15 ~ This kind of behaviour is neither cool, manly or acceptable (brace yourself gents):

Spoiler :

You nearly made me fall off my chair Ram. Don't ever post a horrific scene like that again. You also nearly made me spit out my Mountain Dew, which is another unspeakable horror. Mountain Dew wasting, I shudder at the thought.

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RULE 16 ~ You should never admit that another man is willing and able to endure more physical pain than you.

I don't mind these electro-chemical signals. Because that's really all they are, and I've endured some pretty nasty hits while playing AMERICAN FOOTBALL (hand between two helmets, two sprained ankles simultaneously, badly sprained thumb). Funniest part, these were all in the span of about a month and a half, and since we were short on players I had stay in. Didn't realy matter of course, only the trainer demanded that they tape up my ankles. So to keep playing I had to agree.

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RULE 17 ~ If something needs to be done (particularly minor) and just two men are present, you must always be the first to come up with a plan which makes the other man go do that thing.

I do tend to be more of a thinker. My thoughts my take long to explain out, but they usually work quite well.

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RULE 18 ~ Real Men do not wear shoulder pads, especially when playing FOOTball.

Just for clarification, Soccer FOOTball or American football? This was another requirement for football. HOWEVER outside of school we played full contact with just t-shirts and jeans, we got bloody, but we had a helluva lot of fun too.

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RULE 19 ~ Real men do not blush.

Of course.

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RULE 20 ~ Regarding cooking: You should refrain from doing this wherever possible. However, it is quite acceptable to do so on occassion, but there are strict guidelines governing this:

Meat is best cooked on the fire. In fact, any other way and I will be more resistant to eating it. Meat, seasoning salt, and regular salt, the only seasonings this "Microwave, Oven, and Grill Chef" uses.

I do eat frozen pizzas quite regularly. This ties into my inherent laziness, because what could be much easier than unrapping a pizza, slapping it on the stone (a ceramic cooking stone, keeps the pizza hot for at least an hour afterwards), and throwing it in the oven for 20 minutes?

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RULE 21 ~ Regarding Road Trips:

Satnav?!?!?!?!??!!? You have broken a cardinal rule RAM!!!! No getting directions!!!

I shall attempt to absolve you of your unmanly sin, drink 5 shots of Jager and at least 6 cans of beer and all shall be well.

Though I must agree it is sheer torture to be following a person that thinks that 55mph is far too fast. I'm a known tailgater under these circumstances, and I challange all comers on the road, though not as frequently as I do not have the cash to pay for repairs should I damage my car.

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RULE 22 ~ Regarding The Consuming of Alcohol:

I drink strictly vodka. Though I drink Smirnoff regularly, I find it a little weak, but that's all my grandparents have in the vodka department, so I'm sh!t out of luck as I'm only 19 (legal age is 21 in the States). To all the lawyers and ops on this site: Disregard my answers to RULE 22. I know El Justo, even though in past conversations I have deduced you are not in Criminal Justice aspect of the law.

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RULE 23 ~ Regarding Contraception: This is really very simple and only two notes of guidance need to be given.

a) A Real Man stands responsible for the consequences of his actions. This clearly applies to contraception. If you are going to have sex, you should be safe and you should be responsible. If you want to come up with some silly excuses to not use contraception, then perhaps you should be following the Rules of Being A Boy, or not being so disrespectful to the woman you are sharing your body with. SIDE NOTE: Ladies ~ It takes two to tango.
b) It is NOT smutty or sleazy to carry a condom in your wallet/pocket/wherever. Just remember this phrase: "It is better to have one and not need it, than to need one and not have it."

In a word: Duh! Just an FYI, the heat from being in your wallet (that is of course in your pocket) can damage the barrier(condom) protecting you from a salary cut lasting the next 18 years.

 

[7ronin]

3. Music: Only listen to music that was written after you were born.

Ah, I'm relieved! Having served as a mess cook on Noah's Ark that means just about everything is Okay.

 

[El Justo]

originally written by Tank Guy#3
I know El Justo, even though in past conversations I have deduced you are not in Criminal Justice aspect of the law.

heh...i drank more at 19 than i did at 21, 25 or 30...

real estate and condo law

 

[Rambuchan]

Tank Guy: Thanks for the feedback. I can't be bothered to feedback point by point but it seems that you're generally on the right track!

1. Male underwear: Briefs must be white. Boxers can be any color, and patterns other than smiley faces or flowers are allowed. Extra points for football or baseball team logos.

2. Flowers and gardens: Flowers are gifts to women that you'll be bedding. No other reason for them to exist. If you can pay to have someone maintain a garden, you're permitted to have one.

3. Music: Only listen to music that was written after you were born. And nothing whiny.

4. Romantic movies: Tolerate it. Act as "into it" as you need to in order to assure sex later that day. Other men will understand. There's no point in letting a little expression of annoyance ruin a perfectly good shagging.

I admire your effort here. It's largely quite agreeable to an iron jawed, muscle bursting, testosterone fuming guy like me. But there are problems.

1. a) Concern for colours is a bit effeminate (ie. 'for girls'), unless it relates to avoiding pink, peach and mauve - on ANYTHING, especially your underwear.

b) What about commandos?

c) Don't lose sight of the whole reason for your being. To sow your royal oats. If your undies are 'compromising your position in the field', then pull back and rethink.

2. I can only find disagreement with the clarity of the language here. But the message's foundations are solid.

3. Wrong. No Pop. Definitely no boy bands. And you can only follow the careers of girl bands if you have the sound turned off on your TV. But do take a keen interest in these musical geniuses in our midst.

4. I'll go with that

 

[Kosez]

I like rule no. 20. It is a perfect description of my father, LOL

Where I live real men do drink white wine spritzers, either that or beer.

Another rule is: never listen to anything or anybody when watching sports on TV unless it is a comment about that particular match.

Oh yeah, another thing, it may not be manly but women down here absoluteley adore shaved chest and cheney&bush. Go figure...

 

[Raisin Bran]

I would like to propose an amendment to rule #8

If there is the option of Steak or Quiche on the menu, for god's sake order the steak or ask if they have pork chops and apple sauce

 

[Bozo Erectus]

You can eat quiche as long as you dont use a fork or spoon. Extra points for wiping the quiche off your face and hands with your shirt.

 

[IglooDame]

Tank Guy: Thanks for the feedback. I can't be bothered to feedback point by point but it seems that you're generally on the right track!I admire your effort here. It's largely quite agreeable to an iron jawed, muscle bursting, testosterone fuming guy like me. But there are problems.

1. a) Concern for colours is a bit effeminate (ie. 'for girls'), unless it relates to avoiding pink, peach and mauve - on ANYTHING, especially your underwear.

b) What about commandos?

c) Don't lose sight of the whole reason for your being. To sow your royal oats. If your undies are 'compromising your position in the field', then pull back and rethink.

A) Fair enough

B) What about them? No underwear, no impact of the rule.

C) I thought that was an underlying assumption.

2. I can only find disagreement with the clarity of the language here. But the message's foundations are solid.

3. Wrong. No Pop. Definitely no boy bands. And you can only follow the careers of girl bands if you have the sound turned off on your TV. But do take a keen interest in these musical geniuses in our midst.

'No pop and no boy bands' is covered by the 'nothing whiny' part.

 

[Jawz II]

You can eat quiche as long as you dont use a fork or spoon. Extra points for wiping the quiche off your face and hands with your shirt.

whats a quiche?

 

[Bozo Erectus]

whats a quiche?

Now theres a man.

 

[Sidhe]

a cheap dish for rustics, you throw any crap you have into a pastry dish that will hopefully stop you from starving and then go get the 3 year old cheese that has more genuine life in it than an episode of Big Brother, eggs from your withered chickens and et voila, it's peasant food for the borjeouis. i.e. Commonly perverted into a dish for pretentious middle class knobs.

 

[Kosez]

I don't think using aftershave is manly. As its function is to disinfect the face and it's most important ingredient is alcohol, real men use instead ethanol. Very real men mix some gunpowder to ethanol.
Incredibly real men don't shave at all, they don't need to, grizzlies and tigers, with which they fistfight, tear their beard off, from time to time.

 

[Danghis Khan]

@Sidhe: -5 points for knowing what quiche is.

 

[Xanikk999]

If you have ever crossed dress in private does that make you not a man?
Im not saying i did but im just throwing that question out there.

 

[Irish Caesar]

Incredibly real men don't shave at all, they don't need to, grizzlies and tigers, with which they fistfight, tear their beard off, from time to time.

It's not manly to shave with my Bowie knife?

 

[Sidhe]

@Sidhe: -5 points for knowing what quiche is.

+100 points for not caring what your rules are

I do not need to be told what makes me a man, you guys obviously do.

Rule no 1: who gives a sh*t what you think

Rule no 2: any other rule is redundent because of rule one

Friggin panzies the lot of you

 

[Raisin Bran]

It's not manly to shave with my Bowie knife?

real men shave with a chainsaw or a sharp axe!

 

[BCLG100]

If you have ever crossed dress in private does that make you not a man?
Im not saying i did but im just throwing that question out there.

WHAT THE! WTH, do you really need to ask that question its a bit like asking can you still be a man without a penis, you may as well not have if you've done this.

 

[Sidhe]

The answer to both questions is no and yes.

A full Eunuch(ie a man without a tadger that had it all chopped off)
is still genetically a man, and a cross dresser(something that is mainly a heterosexual "perversion")i.e. A significant majority of men who cross dress are heterosexual.

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