Things you do not want to hear on an airplane.

Obssesed Nuker

Resident Nuclear Launcher
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Jul 6, 2002
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In a strategic missile bunker
One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated, waiting for the cockpit crew to show up so they can get under way. The pilot and co-pilot finally appear in the rear of the plane, and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to be blind.

The pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle, and the co-pilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with huge sunglasses. At first the passengers don't react, thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. However, after a few minutes the engines start revving and the airplane starts moving.

The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness, whispering among themselves and looking desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance. Then the airplane starts accelerating rapidly down the runway and people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical. Finally, when the airplane has less than 20 feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once, and at the very last moment the airplane lifts off and is airborne.

Up in the cockpit, the co-pilot breathes a sigh of relief and turns to the pilot: "You know, one of these days the passengers aren't going to scream, and we're gonna get killed!"

Post your airplane hijinks.
 
:lol: That's very good. Here are some lines I wouldn't want to hear in a plane.

"I'll just open a window for some fresh air."

"I'm sorry to hear about your flatulence sir."

"Been ages since you've done a loop-the-loop Bill."

Bit lame but it's a start. :)
 
*Ding!* "This is the captain speaking. If you look out of the windows on the right side of the airplan, you'll see that the right wing is on fire. Please stay calm."

5 minutes later...

*Ding!* "This is the captain speaking. If you look out of the windows on the left side of the airplan, you'll see that the left wing is on fire. Please stay calm."

10 minutes later...

*Ding!* "This is the captain speaking. If you look thruogh the windows at the sea below you, you'll see a small rubber boat. That's where I am right now..."
 
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
 
Rambuchan said:
Bit lame but it's a start. :)
Lame? That? Then what is everything else?
 
*ding* This is your captain speaking. If you try to open your windows you will notice that we have locked them shut. This is due to the fact that we have no wings and are now plummeting towards moscow like a missle. The USA Gov't thanks you for participating in operation commercial nuke. Thank you and please fly American Airlines again. We hope you enjoyed your life.
 
There was a film called "How to irritate people" starring most of the Monty Python troupe, with one sketch showing pilots irritating people on an airplane.
To tdo this, they repeatedly would say "There is absolutely nothing wrong with the airplane" "We repeat, you are in no danger".
They then took it further, by giving instructions, but mimicking static over the intercom, and making up terms
"In case of fire, you must [static] and it will be allright"
"You must now take the parachute from behind the delimitator, found next to the [static], and activate it by pressing the [static]"
 
I once read an article in NewScientist telling of a message painted on the back of every seat on a plane saying "when the red light is on, please fasten seat-belts", but the editor complained about the usefulness of writing it in Braille.
 
Said in flight: "Welcome to the world's first fully automated airplane. Everything onboard is taken care of by computers, so we have no human crew. Nothing can possibly go wrong... Nothing can possibly go wrong... Nothing can *static* wrong... *static* can *static* wrong..." *static.*
 
*Ding* "I'm sorry to trouble you but the captain would like to know if any of you have happened to have brought a roll of electrical tape or a spool of wire on this flight"
 
*Ding*
Uh, passengers, this is your captain speaking. We missed Seattle and we're diving into the Ocean right now. If anybody can drill through the top of the plane and learn to use the seat cushion you have a slight chance of maybe living.

*Ding*
This is a shoutout to my friend Dylan! You didn't think I could pilot a plane and I proved you wrong! Hah!
turns to co-pilot
Where are we?

"Mommy! Mommy! waaaaaaaaaa... sob sob waaaaaaa mommy i want ice cweam mommy! waaa!" (repeat, reapeat, repeat, repeat)
 
Hello passengers, this is the captain speaking. In a few minutes, you´ll notice that the nose of the plane will be slowly diving towards the sea. When I come back fron the W.C., I´ll try to rectify that.
 
These are lame and not funnny.

You Guys said:
*Ding* We're like gonna crarsh and ur gonna die!!111!11oneone

ROTFLMFAOLOLOLOL :lol::rotfl::lol::rotfl::lol::rotfl::lol:

Seriously:

count.jpg
 
'Ding'
Hello everybody! On behalf of myself and the rest of the cabin crew I'd like to welcome you all on board.
I'm Julian and I'm doing work experience here.
For in flight entertainment today we have a karaoke!
Isn't that super!
I'm going to start us off with "Danny Boy".


----

The guy sitting next to me:
Hi! My name is Joe, but you can call me Perfection.
 
PrinceScamp said:
"This is your Captain speaking, we have run out of our supply of duck tape, does anyone have a roll of duck tape?

I definitely would not want to hear the captain asking for 'duck' tape! Makes you wonder what they're doing up there. After all, only roosters are allowed in the cock-pit.
 
CAPTIN:Hello
HUDDED GUY:Can i see those buttons
CAPTIN:Yes you can
HUDDED GUY:Im shy can you stand outside wile i push the buttons
CAPTIN:Ok ill be back in ten minutes
HUDDED GUY:Ok, Thank you
CAPTIN{in back of plane}:Sir can you stack those pillows overthere for me
SIR:Why
CAPTIN:Im going to sleep wile the hudded guy in the cockpit finishes up his ten minute test flight over that ocean.
 
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