Rambuchan
The Funky President
Now there's more racism and xenophobia for you right there!
And, just for the record, I hate xenophobia.
It's a frikkin Greek word, innit.
Trotsky walks into a bar.....
- Thread starter Rambuchan
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And, just for the record, I hate xenophobia.
It's a frikkin Greek word, innit.
Serutan
Eatibus Anythingibus
A train is running across Russia, and suddenly comes to the end of the tracks.
Depending on who is riding in the car:
Lennin will decree an extra day of work to build new tracks.
Stalin will have all peasants within 50 kilometers killed, and bring in prisoners to build
new track.
Krushchev will tear up track behind the train, and relay it in front of the train.
Brezhnev will have the window curtains drawn, and the train move back and forth.
Gorbachev will get out of the car, and yell, "No Tracks!".
Depending on who is riding in the car:
Lennin will decree an extra day of work to build new tracks.
Stalin will have all peasants within 50 kilometers killed, and bring in prisoners to build
new track.
Krushchev will tear up track behind the train, and relay it in front of the train.
Brezhnev will have the window curtains drawn, and the train move back and forth.
Gorbachev will get out of the car, and yell, "No Tracks!".
Serutan
Eatibus Anythingibus
An American is talking to a Pole, and asks him, "What if your country was attacked by
Germany and Russia at the same time? Who would you fight first?"
Without hesitation, the Pole replies, "We would fight the Germans, then the Russians".
American : Why?
Pole : Business before pleasure.
Germany and Russia at the same time? Who would you fight first?"
Without hesitation, the Pole replies, "We would fight the Germans, then the Russians".
American : Why?
Pole : Business before pleasure.
Serutan
Eatibus Anythingibus
Bush Sr., Lech Walesa, and Gorbachev are before the throne of God. God says, "I will answer one question from each of you."
Bush Sr asks, "When will my people be happy?"
God: 75 years.
Bush Sr : Damn, I won't live long enough to see that.
Walesa : When will my people be happy?
God : 150 years.
Walsea : Damn, I won't live long enough to see that.
Gorby : When will my people be happy?
God : Damn, I won't live long enough to see that.
Bush Sr asks, "When will my people be happy?"
God: 75 years.
Bush Sr : Damn, I won't live long enough to see that.
Walesa : When will my people be happy?
God : 150 years.
Walsea : Damn, I won't live long enough to see that.
Gorby : When will my people be happy?
God : Damn, I won't live long enough to see that.
Snerk
Smeghead
East German joke from Das Leben der Anderen:
Early in the morning, Erich Honecker arrives at his office and opens his window. He sees the sun and says: "Good morning, dear Sun!"
The sun replies: "Good morning, dear Erich!"
Honecker works, and then at noon he heads to the window and says: "Good day, dear Sun!"
The sun replies: "Good day, dear Erich!"
In the evening, Erich calls it a day, and heads once more to the window, and says: "Good evening, dear Sun!"
The sun is silent.
Honecker says again: "Good evening, dear Sun! What's the matter?"
The sun replies: "Kiss my ass. I'm in the West now."
Early in the morning, Erich Honecker arrives at his office and opens his window. He sees the sun and says: "Good morning, dear Sun!"
The sun replies: "Good morning, dear Erich!"
Honecker works, and then at noon he heads to the window and says: "Good day, dear Sun!"
The sun replies: "Good day, dear Erich!"
In the evening, Erich calls it a day, and heads once more to the window, and says: "Good evening, dear Sun!"
The sun is silent.
Honecker says again: "Good evening, dear Sun! What's the matter?"
The sun replies: "Kiss my ass. I'm in the West now."
philippe
FYI, I chase trains.
GoodSarmatian
Jokerfied Western Male
- Joined
- Apr 25, 2006
- Messages
- 9,408
A coulpe of East German jokes:
Two guys are sittign in a bar, one of them asks: "What do you think about the government, comrade ? The other warily replies: "I guess I think the same thing as you".
The first guy pulls out his badge: "Sorry, but now I have to arrest you".
A Western reporter is interwieving people in East Berlin. He asks one passer-by "What's your opiniopn about Erich Honnecker ?"
The man looks aroud and sais quietly "Not here where everybody can hear us".
They walk away from the crowd into an alley and the reporter asks again "What is your opinion about Honnecker ?"
Again the man replies: "No, not here. Too many windows?"
They then go into an abandoned warehouse and the reporter asks again.
This time the man lans forward and whispers: "Personally I think he's not that bad but when the others hear me saying this they'll beat me up".
In the Berlin subway a known party member steps on a woman's foot and she slaps him. Immediately one man jumps up from his seat and starts beating the man up. He then knocks him down and kicks him repeatedly. The woman screams "Oh god, stop it. He just stepped on my foot !"
The man looks puzzled and disappointed and says:" Oh, and I thought it finally started.
Two guys are sittign in a bar, one of them asks: "What do you think about the government, comrade ? The other warily replies: "I guess I think the same thing as you".
The first guy pulls out his badge: "Sorry, but now I have to arrest you".
A Western reporter is interwieving people in East Berlin. He asks one passer-by "What's your opiniopn about Erich Honnecker ?"
The man looks aroud and sais quietly "Not here where everybody can hear us".
They walk away from the crowd into an alley and the reporter asks again "What is your opinion about Honnecker ?"
Again the man replies: "No, not here. Too many windows?"
They then go into an abandoned warehouse and the reporter asks again.
This time the man lans forward and whispers: "Personally I think he's not that bad but when the others hear me saying this they'll beat me up".
In the Berlin subway a known party member steps on a woman's foot and she slaps him. Immediately one man jumps up from his seat and starts beating the man up. He then knocks him down and kicks him repeatedly. The woman screams "Oh god, stop it. He just stepped on my foot !"
The man looks puzzled and disappointed and says:" Oh, and I thought it finally started.
happy_Alex
Happiness set to 11
Why don't Russians wear underpants?
Spoiler :
nonconformist
Miserable
The other one only really works in German
So now I get to show my terrible syntax and grammar
Wie ist Erich Hoenecker anlich ein telefon?
Sie mussen aufhangen und neuwahlen.
(This one plays on words with multiple meanings
Why is Erich Hoenecker like a phone?
You have to hang up and redial
However, the german for "hang up" also means to "hang" and "redial" means "hold new elections")
Cilpot
Pretentious Schmuck
I love Radio Yerevan jokes 
Q: Is it true that half of the Central Committee of the Communist Party are idiots?
A: It is not true. Half of them are not idiots.
Q: What is the difference between the Constitutions of the USA and USSR? Both guarantee freedom of speech.
A: In principle yes, but the Constitution of the USA also guarantees freedom after the speech.
Q: Is it possible to solve a problem which has no solution?
A: We don't answer questions related to agriculture.
Q: What is permitted and what is prohibited?
A: In England, what is permitted, is permitted, and what is prohibited, is prohibited. In America everything is permitted except for what is prohibited. In Germany everything is prohibited except for what is permitted. In France everything is permitted, even what is prohibited. In the USSR everything is prohibited, even what is permitted.
Q: Is it true that Adam and Eve were the first communists?
A: Probably, yes. They both dressed very sparingly, they had modest requirements toward food, they never had their own house, and on top of all that, they believed that they were living in the paradise.
Q: Can bedbugs make a revolution?
A: In principle, yes, for in their veins flows the blood of peasants and workers.
Q: Can you sit with a naked ass on a hedgehog?
A: In principle, yes - if the Communist party calls for it, if the ass belongs to somebody else or if the hedgehog is properly shaved.
Q: Dear Radio, is it true that in Moscow, on the Red Square, they're giving cars for free?
A: Yes, but it's not in Moscow, but in Leningrad. Not Red Square, but Square of Revolution. Not cars, but bikes; and not giving them, but stealing.
Q: dear Radio, I am your faithful listener from America. What's the most important city in Soviet Union?
A: Erewan, of course.
Q: and how many nukes do You need to destroy it?
A: thinking about it, Moscow is pretty important city as well...
Q: Is it true Comrade Mikulin got 20 years in Siberia from libel on calling Leonid Brezhnev an idiot?
A: No. The sentence from libel was six months. The 19 years 6 months were from leaking out a national secret.
Q: How can I overcome the fear from a dentist?
A: Think of it as the only place you can open your mouth freely.
Q: What is the principal difference between capitalism and communism?
A: Lenin said "Communism is the Soviet regime plus electricity in the whole country". Therefore the difference is the same as with a chair and an electric chair.
Q: What do humans and computers have in common?
A: Just like computers, when you are young you have lots of hardware and little software. When you get older you have lots of software but your hardware comes short.
Q: Why are some men bald, while the other are not?
A: All men are bald. Just some of them have hair over the bald spot.
Q: Is it true that half of the Central Committee of the Communist Party are idiots?
A: It is not true. Half of them are not idiots.
Q: What is the difference between the Constitutions of the USA and USSR? Both guarantee freedom of speech.
A: In principle yes, but the Constitution of the USA also guarantees freedom after the speech.
Q: Is it possible to solve a problem which has no solution?
A: We don't answer questions related to agriculture.
Q: What is permitted and what is prohibited?
A: In England, what is permitted, is permitted, and what is prohibited, is prohibited. In America everything is permitted except for what is prohibited. In Germany everything is prohibited except for what is permitted. In France everything is permitted, even what is prohibited. In the USSR everything is prohibited, even what is permitted.
Q: Is it true that Adam and Eve were the first communists?
A: Probably, yes. They both dressed very sparingly, they had modest requirements toward food, they never had their own house, and on top of all that, they believed that they were living in the paradise.
Q: Can bedbugs make a revolution?
A: In principle, yes, for in their veins flows the blood of peasants and workers.
Q: Can you sit with a naked ass on a hedgehog?
A: In principle, yes - if the Communist party calls for it, if the ass belongs to somebody else or if the hedgehog is properly shaved.
Q: Dear Radio, is it true that in Moscow, on the Red Square, they're giving cars for free?
A: Yes, but it's not in Moscow, but in Leningrad. Not Red Square, but Square of Revolution. Not cars, but bikes; and not giving them, but stealing.
Q: dear Radio, I am your faithful listener from America. What's the most important city in Soviet Union?
A: Erewan, of course.
Q: and how many nukes do You need to destroy it?
A: thinking about it, Moscow is pretty important city as well...
Q: Is it true Comrade Mikulin got 20 years in Siberia from libel on calling Leonid Brezhnev an idiot?
A: No. The sentence from libel was six months. The 19 years 6 months were from leaking out a national secret.
Q: How can I overcome the fear from a dentist?
A: Think of it as the only place you can open your mouth freely.
Q: What is the principal difference between capitalism and communism?
A: Lenin said "Communism is the Soviet regime plus electricity in the whole country". Therefore the difference is the same as with a chair and an electric chair.
Q: What do humans and computers have in common?
A: Just like computers, when you are young you have lots of hardware and little software. When you get older you have lots of software but your hardware comes short.
Q: Why are some men bald, while the other are not?
A: All men are bald. Just some of them have hair over the bald spot.
Deep Thought
S.A.G.A.P.O
If you were going to hell, what would you choose, American or Soviet?
The Soviet of course. In both hells you will be burnt to a piece of carbon, but in the Soviet one, they're out of wood and matches, plas that the devil doesn't work for the moment.
The Soviet of course. In both hells you will be burnt to a piece of carbon, but in the Soviet one, they're out of wood and matches, plas that the devil doesn't work for the moment.
Onionsoilder
Reaver
- Joined
- Mar 19, 2007
- Messages
- 3,173
Students in Soviet Diplomats' School receive following homework:
"From one of our submarines, a nuclear warhead has been shot by an accident. Coastal capital of a minor African nation has been totally demolished. Write a suitable note to their government."
The next week, professor walks into classroom with students' papers to give feedback.
"Most were utter cr*p. But this one by Ivanushka here was excellent - only few small mistakes. For example: "we don't give a f*ck" is written with "u" ... and "piece of monkey sh*t" should be started with capital letters if we are referring to head of a foreign state..."
"From one of our submarines, a nuclear warhead has been shot by an accident. Coastal capital of a minor African nation has been totally demolished. Write a suitable note to their government."
The next week, professor walks into classroom with students' papers to give feedback.
"Most were utter cr*p. But this one by Ivanushka here was excellent - only few small mistakes. For example: "we don't give a f*ck" is written with "u" ... and "piece of monkey sh*t" should be started with capital letters if we are referring to head of a foreign state..."
TheGreatSteve
Warlord
- Joined
- Jan 20, 2006
- Messages
- 145
*Breaking News Bulletin!*
The East Berlin pole-vault champion has just become the West Berlin pole-vault champion!
The East Berlin pole-vault champion has just become the West Berlin pole-vault champion!
A delegation from US is taken into Soviet factory, to demonstrate them devotion of Socialist workers.
Partorg and director of the factory have workers line up, climb atop crates and make an announcement:
"Starting from tomorrow, your wages will be cut by 30%!"
Roof-lifting applause.
"Duration of shifts and production quotas will be doubled!"
Even more powerful applause.
"Each tenth one will be hung!"
Awkward silence. Finally, timid question from back rows: "Do we need to bring our own rope, or will this be provided by the union?"
During USSR state visit into US, heads of state start to argue about whose bodyguards are more devoted. As the meeting is being held near Niagara, they decide to conduct a test by ordering their security officers to jump down the Falls. The American abruptly refuses: "I have family, children!!"
Upon hearing the order, Soviet officer can barely be pulled back from edge of water at the last moment.
"How did you dare?!" asks astounded President of US.
"I have family... children..."
Partorg and director of the factory have workers line up, climb atop crates and make an announcement:
"Starting from tomorrow, your wages will be cut by 30%!"
Roof-lifting applause.
"Duration of shifts and production quotas will be doubled!"
Even more powerful applause.
"Each tenth one will be hung!"
Awkward silence. Finally, timid question from back rows: "Do we need to bring our own rope, or will this be provided by the union?"
During USSR state visit into US, heads of state start to argue about whose bodyguards are more devoted. As the meeting is being held near Niagara, they decide to conduct a test by ordering their security officers to jump down the Falls. The American abruptly refuses: "I have family, children!!"
Upon hearing the order, Soviet officer can barely be pulled back from edge of water at the last moment.
"How did you dare?!" asks astounded President of US.
"I have family... children..."
Masquerouge
Deity
So a high-ranking member of the Politburo decides to show his mother how well he's made it.
He goes and take her in his luxurious ZIM to his splendid office in the Kremlin. His mother looks at the rich furniture but says nothing.
He then treats her to the best restaurant in town thanks to his party connections. His mother eats, but does not say anything and seems worried.
They then go to the Goum where he buys her the best items that normally only foreigners are allowed to buy. She barely utters a "thank you".
Finally he takes her to his Datcha, a beautiful house in the country side reserved for high-ranking party members, but still, not a word of acknowledgment from her.
Upset, he says to her "Mum, what's wrong? Aren't you impressed with how well I've made it?
and she replies:
"It's all well and good, my son... but what if the Reds come back?"
He goes and take her in his luxurious ZIM to his splendid office in the Kremlin. His mother looks at the rich furniture but says nothing.
He then treats her to the best restaurant in town thanks to his party connections. His mother eats, but does not say anything and seems worried.
They then go to the Goum where he buys her the best items that normally only foreigners are allowed to buy. She barely utters a "thank you".
Finally he takes her to his Datcha, a beautiful house in the country side reserved for high-ranking party members, but still, not a word of acknowledgment from her.
Upset, he says to her "Mum, what's wrong? Aren't you impressed with how well I've made it?
and she replies:
"It's all well and good, my son... but what if the Reds come back?"
Stewie0416
Who Cares?
Ok this is a little Russian jokes (kinda communist)
One night Stalin's ghost appears to Putin. Stalin says " Shoot all the democrats and paint the inside of the Kremlin blue."
Putin:" why blue"
Stalin: "HA! i knew you wouldnt ask about the first one.
This is kinda like another joke posted but o well
A american and Russian are going to Hell. They each have a choice, American Hell or Russian hell. No matter what kinda of hell you choose you have to eat a bucket of fecal matter each day. They each choose their own respective ones.
1 month later they meet up
American: Why did you choose the Russian hell?
Russian: Ha its just like the old days, either there wastn enough S*&t for all of us or there wasnt any at all!
Another really popular one
We will pretend to work as long as our bosses pretend to pay us.
( in a pure communist system currency is outdated.)
One night Stalin's ghost appears to Putin. Stalin says " Shoot all the democrats and paint the inside of the Kremlin blue."
Putin:" why blue"
Stalin: "HA! i knew you wouldnt ask about the first one.
This is kinda like another joke posted but o well
A american and Russian are going to Hell. They each have a choice, American Hell or Russian hell. No matter what kinda of hell you choose you have to eat a bucket of fecal matter each day. They each choose their own respective ones.
1 month later they meet up
American: Why did you choose the Russian hell?
Russian: Ha its just like the old days, either there wastn enough S*&t for all of us or there wasnt any at all!
Another really popular one
We will pretend to work as long as our bosses pretend to pay us.
( in a pure communist system currency is outdated.)
In the late '40s in Kiev shortly after the "Great Patriotic War" a teacher was talking to some of her young students (4th grade) about what they did during the war.
The first child said "during the war I worked in the fields on a farm to grow food for our brave soldiers." The teacher said "that helped give our soldiers the strength to defend our nation."
The second child said "during the war I helped in a hospital getting bandages for the doctors to use on our wounded soldiers." The teacher said "that helped our soldiers get well to return to defending our nation."
The third child said "during the war I helped carry ammunition to the soldiers during their battles." The teacher said "That was very brave of you! What did they say?" The child answered "they said 'danke schon'."
The first child said "during the war I worked in the fields on a farm to grow food for our brave soldiers." The teacher said "that helped give our soldiers the strength to defend our nation."
The second child said "during the war I helped in a hospital getting bandages for the doctors to use on our wounded soldiers." The teacher said "that helped our soldiers get well to return to defending our nation."
The third child said "during the war I helped carry ammunition to the soldiers during their battles." The teacher said "That was very brave of you! What did they say?" The child answered "they said 'danke schon'."
Acrux
Warlord
- Joined
- Mar 30, 2006
- Messages
- 141
My favorites:
Q: Is it true that there is freedom of speech in the Soviet Union the same as there is in the USA?
A: In principle, yes. In the USA, you can stand in front of the White House in Washington, DC, and yell, "Down with Reagan!", and you will not be punished. Just the same, you can stand in the Red Square in Moscow and yell, "Down with Reagan!", and you will not be punished.
------
Stalin reads his report to the Party Congress. Suddenly someone sneezes. "Who sneezed?" (Silence.) "First row! On your feet! Shoot them!" (Applause.) "Who sneezed?" (Silence.) "Second row! On your feet! Shoot them!" (Long, loud applause.) "Who sneezed?" (Silence.) ...A dejected voice in the back: "It was me" (Sobs.) Stalin leans forward: "Bless you, comrade!"
-----
A man walks into a shop and says, "I see you don't have any fish", and the shop assistant replies, "You got it wrong - ours is a butcher: we don't have any meat. They don't have any fish in the fish shop across the road!"
-----
And saving the best for last:
A schoolteacher is leading her students through a park, and they see a baby hare. These are city kids, and have never seen a hare. "Do you know who this is?" asks the teacher. No one knows. "Come on kids", says the teacher trying to lead the children to the answer, "He's a character in many stories, songs and poems we always read." One student figures it out, pats the hare and says reverently, "So that's what you're like, Grandpa Lenin!"
Q: Is it true that there is freedom of speech in the Soviet Union the same as there is in the USA?
A: In principle, yes. In the USA, you can stand in front of the White House in Washington, DC, and yell, "Down with Reagan!", and you will not be punished. Just the same, you can stand in the Red Square in Moscow and yell, "Down with Reagan!", and you will not be punished.
------
Stalin reads his report to the Party Congress. Suddenly someone sneezes. "Who sneezed?" (Silence.) "First row! On your feet! Shoot them!" (Applause.) "Who sneezed?" (Silence.) "Second row! On your feet! Shoot them!" (Long, loud applause.) "Who sneezed?" (Silence.) ...A dejected voice in the back: "It was me" (Sobs.) Stalin leans forward: "Bless you, comrade!"
-----
A man walks into a shop and says, "I see you don't have any fish", and the shop assistant replies, "You got it wrong - ours is a butcher: we don't have any meat. They don't have any fish in the fish shop across the road!"
-----
And saving the best for last:
A schoolteacher is leading her students through a park, and they see a baby hare. These are city kids, and have never seen a hare. "Do you know who this is?" asks the teacher. No one knows. "Come on kids", says the teacher trying to lead the children to the answer, "He's a character in many stories, songs and poems we always read." One student figures it out, pats the hare and says reverently, "So that's what you're like, Grandpa Lenin!"
Comrade Stalin misplaced his beloved pipe and asked Lavrenti Beria to find it.
However, as he discovers it in his pocket the very next day, he calls Beria to report the pipe has been found.
"Too late, Yossif Vissarionovich! I had twenty-five suspects. Twenty-four have already admitted stealing the pipe!"
"I see... All but one? Then continue the investigation!"
In Egypt, mummy of an unknown Pharaoh is discovered from hidden mastaba. As even the best Western archeologists are unable to identify the deceased ruler, finally help is sought from Soviet specialists.
Within a week, half a dozen grim comrades arrive by military jet and descend into sepulchre. They emerge four hours later, wiping sweaty brows and declare that the mummy belongs to Amenemhet III.
"How could you possibly have identified him?", ask astonished Egyptian archeologists.
"The son-of-. .. .. .. .. . finally confessed..."
However, as he discovers it in his pocket the very next day, he calls Beria to report the pipe has been found.
"Too late, Yossif Vissarionovich! I had twenty-five suspects. Twenty-four have already admitted stealing the pipe!"
"I see... All but one? Then continue the investigation!"
In Egypt, mummy of an unknown Pharaoh is discovered from hidden mastaba. As even the best Western archeologists are unable to identify the deceased ruler, finally help is sought from Soviet specialists.
Within a week, half a dozen grim comrades arrive by military jet and descend into sepulchre. They emerge four hours later, wiping sweaty brows and declare that the mummy belongs to Amenemhet III.
"How could you possibly have identified him?", ask astonished Egyptian archeologists.
"The son-of-. .. .. .. .. . finally confessed..."
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