Trotsky walks into a bar.....

[Mirc]

"Amamba balooba amamba amamba amamba balooba balooba amamba amamba amamba"!!!

Spoiler :

My hovercraft is full of eels.

 

[Stormrage]

Love them Pythons..

 

[Yeekim]

After WW2, Hungary is occupied by Red Army and all streets, squares and institutions are renamed. An old man from a village visits the country's capital, Budapest, and gets lost. Not knowing that the streets have been renamed, he asks people for direction.
"Excuse me, sir, where is the "Heroes' square"?
"It is this way. But please, old man, don't use that name! It's "Stalin Square" now!"
"Oh, all right! But where is the "Chain Bridge"?
"Oh my God! Don't use the old name of the bridge! It's "Red Army Bridge" now! If you say that once more, you could get into jail, be careful!"
The old man gets terrified and takes off along bank of river Danube.
He's spotted by a soviet officer who shouts at him with anger.
"'Ay, comrade! What 'r' ya lookin' at?"
"Nothing! I'm just admiring the Volga!"

 

[Gelion]

After WW2, Hungary is occupied by Red Army and all streets, squares and institutions are renamed. An old man from a village, visit's the country's capital, Budapest, and gets lost. Not knowing that the streets have been renamed, he asks people for direction.
"Excuse me, sir, where is the "Heroes' square"?
"It is this way. But please, old man, don't use that name! It's "Stalin Square" now!"
"Oh, all right! But where is the "Chain Bridge"?
"Oh my God! Don't use the old name of the bridge! It's "Red Army Bridge" now! If you say that once more, you could get into jail, be careful!"
The old man gets terrified and takes off along bank of river Danube.
He's spotted by a soviet officer who shouts at him with anger.
"'Ay, comrade! What 'r' ya lookin' at?"
"Nothing! I'm just admiring the Volga!"

Stupid joke really, but I can see where that one is coming from.
First of all: Heroes Bridge sounds very Sovietic.
Chain Bridge could have been renamed to "The Bridge of Broken Chains"
And there's NOTHING Soviet about Volga. Its a Russian river.
So, I bet the guy is stil in prison now

 

[Huayna Capac357]

After WW2, Hungary is occupied by Red Army and all streets, squares and institutions are renamed. An old man from a village, visit's the country's capital, Budapest, and gets lost. Not knowing that the streets have been renamed, he asks people for direction.
"Excuse me, sir, where is the "Heroes' square"?
"It is this way. But please, old man, don't use that name! It's "Stalin Square" now!"
"Oh, all right! But where is the "Chain Bridge"?
"Oh my God! Don't use the old name of the bridge! It's "Red Army Bridge" now! If you say that once more, you could get into jail, be careful!"
The old man gets terrified and takes off along bank of river Danube.
He's spotted by a soviet officer who shouts at him with anger.
"'Ay, comrade! What 'r' ya lookin' at?"
"Nothing! I'm just admiring the Volga!"

Hey, I liked that joke

 

[Yeekim]

Stupid joke really, but I can see where that one is coming from.

Straight from Twelve Chairs, where Ostap is looking for his newly wedded wife?

 

[Gelion]

Straight from Twelve Chairs, where Ostap is looking for his newly wedded wife?

Don't remember that one, remind me....

 

[Yeekim]

Don't remember that one, remind me....

Shame be on you!
I found the extract in English. Not the best translation, but will have to suffice.
http://lib.ru/ILFPETROV/ilf_petrov_12_chairs_engl.txt_Piece40.06

Spoiler :

Ippolit Matveyevich was winking broadly, but Ostap pretended he had not
noticed and went out into the street. Having gone a block, he remembered the
five hundred honestly earned roubles in his pocket.
"Cabby! " he cried. "Take me to the Phoenix."
The cabby leisurely drove Ostap to a closed restaurant.
"What's this! Shut?"
"On account of May Day."
"Damn them! All the money in the world and nowhere to have a good time.
All right, then, take me to Plekhanov Street. Do you know it?"
"What was the street called before? " asked the cabby.
"I don't know."
"How can I get there? I don't know it, either."
Ostap nevertheless ordered him to drive on and find it.
For an hour and a half they cruised around the dark and empty town,
asking watchmen and militiamen the way. One militiaman racked his brains and
at length informed them that Plekhanov Street was none other than the former
Governor Street.
"Governor Street! I've been taking people to Governor Street for
twenty-five years."
"Then drive there!"
They arrived at Governor Street, but it turned out to be Karl Marx and
not Plekhanov Street.
The frustrated Ostap renewed his search for the lost street, but was
not able to find it. Dawn cast a pale light on the face of the moneyed
martyr who had been prevented from disporting himself.
"Take me to the Sorbonne Hotel!" he shouted. "A fine driver you are!
You don't even know Plekhanov! "

Apparently, I made a mistake myself -at that point, Mme Gritsatsuyeva was still his would-be wife, and not newly wedded one...

 

[Yeekim]

And there's NOTHING Soviet about Volga. Its a Russian river.

Two crocodiles bathe on the banks of the Nile and observe the Brits building a military base.
"What a beautiful river she is, the Nile", sighs one of them.
"True!" answers another, adding hastily: "...but Volga is still even more beautiful, is she not, comrade polkovnik?"

 

[Gelion]

Apparently, I made a mistake myself -at that point, Mme Gritsatsuyeva was still his would-be wife, and not newly wedded one...

That was the part that confused me

 

[Yeekim]

The best ones can't thoroughly be translated, I am afraid...

One morning Chapai and Petka come down from the barn’s loft, where they had been sleeping, and take a leak against the wall of the barn. Petka looks at Chapaev’s long white nightgown and says:
"Знаешь, Василий Иваныч, ты прямо как Джавахарлал Неру."
Chapai gets angry: "Совсем не важно, кого я харлал. А как уж харлал, тогда не Неру, а Нюру."

A Chukchi goes to lunch in a Moscow restaurant. The waitress comes, and the Chukchi asks her:
"Пожалуйста, мне список блядей".
"Вы имеете в виду меню?"
"Потом посмотрим. Может быть и тебю."

 

[Eran of Arcadia]

Now you're just making stuff up . . .

 

[Yeekim]

Sidorov works in a Soviet factory which produces baby trolleys. As his wife is pregnant, she urges him to pilfer at least one detail per day, so that the trolley could be put together once the baby is born. Sidorov agrees, and when it is time to take the baby to get some fresh air, he starts composing the trolley.
After an hour, as his wife hears louder and louder cursing, she comes to check on him.
Distressed, Sidorov sits on a stool and swears: "Natashenka, in whichever way I try, only a Kalashnikov comes out of this..."

Now you're just making stuff up . . .

?
I hope Gelion can vouch for genuineness of these...

 

[Gelion]

I'd rather go for crocodile one!

 

[Yeekim]

This is Radio Yerevan; our listeners asked us: “What will be the results of the next elections?”
We’re answering: “Nobody can tell.” Somebody has stolen yesterday the exact results of the next elections from the office of the Central Committee of the USSR.”

This is Radio Yerevan; our listeners asked us: “What is the difference between Russian and English fairy tales?”
We’re answering: “The English fairy tale start with ‘Once upon a time…’, and ours with ‘It will be soon…’”

This is Radio Yerevan; our listeners asked us: “What should we do if the Western borders of the USSR were opened?”
We’re answering: “Rush to Siberia at once in order not to be crushed in the stampede.”

This is Radio Yerevan; our listeners asked us: “When Nixon visited Moscow, he and Khrushchev ran around the Kremlin in a race. Nixon came the first. How should our media report on that?”
We’re answering: “The report should be as follows: ‘In the international running competition the General Secretary of the Communist Party took the honorable second place.’ Mister Nixon came in one before last.”

This is Radio Yerevan; our listeners asked us: “What is the difference between the Constitutions of the USA and USSR?” Both guarantee freedom of speech.”
We’re answering: “Yes, but the Constitution of the USA also guarantees freedom after the speech.”

This is Radio Yerevan; our listeners asked us: “Why Solzhenitsyn, Brodsky, Bukovsky, and other dissidents have been exiled from the country?”
We’re answering: “Don't you know that the best products are always selected for export?”

Karl Marx was resurrected and came to the USSR. He was shown factories, hospitals, cities and villages, etc. Finally, he requested to be allowed to make a speech on TV. The Politburo hesitated as they were afraid he might say something they wouldn't approve. Marx promised he would say only one sentence. Under this condition, the Politburo agreed. Karl Marx uttered the following sentence: "Workers of all countries, forgive me." (in Russian: "Forgive me!", sounds similar to "Unite!" ("Izmenitesj!" vs "Izvinitesj!")

To alleviate the perennial shortages of butter, The Politburo of the Communist Party ordered the Soviet scientists to develop a technology for converting . .. .. .. . into butter, and to complete this project on or before the anniversary of the Great October Socialist Revolution. After six months of work, the Politburo demanded an interim progress report. The scientists reported that they had achieved a 50% success. The party requested elaboration. The reply from the Academy of Sciences explained, "One can already spread it, but not yet eat it."

In the Olympics, a Soviet hammer thrower set a new record. Correspondents interviewed him.
"How did you manage to hurl that hammer so far?"
"If it were together with a sickle, I would send it twice as far."

Two former schoolmates met in the street.
"Where do you work?"
"I am a school teacher. And what about you?"
"I work for the KGB."
"Oh, and what are you doing at the KGB?"
"We reveal and fight with those who are dissatisfied."
"You mean, there are also some who are satisfied?"
"Sure, but they are dealt with by the Division for the Fight Against the Embezzlements of the Socialist Property."

A frightened man came to the KGB "My talking parrot disappeared."
"This is not our case. Go to the criminal police."
"Excuse me. Of course I know that I have to go to them. I am here just to tell you officially that I disagree with that parrot."

A Japanese worker was sent to Russia to fix a piece of Japanese machinery. The Japanese worked his eight hours a day without speaking to anybody. In a month, his contract expired. Before leaving for Japan, the guest said with tears in his eyes, "Me apologize, me good worker. Me know workers solidarity. But me has contract, me has to work, me apologize for not participating in your long strike."

Bedbugs appeared in the house occupied by the secretary of the region Party committee. The Party boss summoned an expert on insects and asked him how to get rid of bedbugs. The expert said, "The best way is to organize a collective farm for bedbugs. Then half of them will flee, and the rest will croak."

Khrushchev visited a pig farm and was photographed there. In a newspaper's office, a discussion is under way what should be the caption under the picture.
"Comrade Khrushchev among pigs," "Comrade Khrushchev and pigs," "Pigs around comrade Khrushchev," -- all is rejected. Finally the editor makes the decision. The caption is "The third from left - comrade Khrushchev."

 

[Yeekim]

Stalin walked into Lenin's office and asked, "Vladimir Ilyich, may I order to shoot a dozen communists?"
"If the interests of the Party demand it, by all means," Lenin answered.
"Vladimir Ilyich, if necessary, may we shoot one hundred communists?"
"If necessary, the answer is Yes."
"Vladimir Ilyich, may we, if need be, shoot one thousand Party members?"
"If there is a real need, yes."
"Vladimir Ilyich, may we, if the situation demands, shoot one million of Party Members?"
"Eh, Iosif Vissarionovich, now we'll criticize you in a comradely way, and may even say to you that you exaggerate a little."

 

[Huayna Capac357]

This is Radio Yerevan; our listeners asked us: “What will be the results of the next elections?”
We’re answering: “Nobody can tell.” Somebody has stolen yesterday the exact results of the next elections from the office of the Central Committee of the USSR.”

This is Radio Yerevan; our listeners asked us: “What is the difference between Russian and English fairy tales?”
We’re answering: “The English fairy tale start with ‘Once upon a time…’, and ours with ‘It will be soon…’”

This is Radio Yerevan; our listeners asked us: “What should we do if the Western borders of the USSR were opened?”
We’re answering: “Rush to Siberia at once in order not to be crushed in the stampede.”

This is Radio Yerevan; our listeners asked us: “When Nixon visited Moscow, he and Khrushchev ran around the Kremlin in a race. Nixon came the first. How should our media report on that?”
We’re answering: “The report should be as follows: ‘In the international running competition the General Secretary of the Communist Party took the honorable second place.’ Mister Nixon came in one before last.”

This is Radio Yerevan; our listeners asked us: “What is the difference between the Constitutions of the USA and USSR?” Both guarantee freedom of speech.”
We’re answering: “Yes, but the Constitution of the USA also guarantees freedom after the speech.”

This is Radio Yerevan; our listeners asked us: “Why Solzhenitsyn, Brodsky, Bukovsky, and other dissidents have been exiled from the country?”
We’re answering: “Don't you know that the best products are always selected for export?”

Karl Marx was resurrected and came to the USSR. He was shown factories, hospitals, cities and villages, etc. Finally, he requested to be allowed to make a speech on TV. The Politburo hesitated as they were afraid he might say something they wouldn't approve. Marx promised he would say only one sentence. Under this condition, the Politburo agreed. Karl Marx uttered the following sentence: "Workers of all countries, forgive me." (in Russian: "Forgive me!", sounds similar to "Unite!" ("Izmenitesj!" vs "Izvinitesj!")

To alleviate the perennial shortages of butter, The Politburo of the Communist Party ordered the Soviet scientists to develop a technology for converting . .. .. .. . into butter, and to complete this project on or before the anniversary of the Great October Socialist Revolution. After six months of work, the Politburo demanded an interim progress report. The scientists reported that they had achieved a 50% success. The party requested elaboration. The reply from the Academy of Sciences explained, "One can already spread it, but not yet eat it."

In the Olympics, a Soviet hammer thrower set a new record. Correspondents interviewed him.
"How did you manage to hurl that hammer so far?"
"If it were together with a sickle, I would send it twice as far."

Two former schoolmates met in the street.
"Where do you work?"
"I am a school teacher. And what about you?"
"I work for the KGB."
"Oh, and what are you doing at the KGB?"
"We reveal and fight with those who are dissatisfied."
"You mean, there are also some who are satisfied?"
"Sure, but they are dealt with by the Division for the Fight Against the Embezzlements of the Socialist Property."

A frightened man came to the KGB "My talking parrot disappeared."
"This is not our case. Go to the criminal police."
"Excuse me. Of course I know that I have to go to them. I am here just to tell you officially that I disagree with that parrot."

A Japanese worker was sent to Russia to fix a piece of Japanese machinery. The Japanese worked his eight hours a day without speaking to anybody. In a month, his contract expired. Before leaving for Japan, the guest said with tears in his eyes, "Me apologize, me good worker. Me know workers solidarity. But me has contract, me has to work, me apologize for not participating in your long strike."

Bedbugs appeared in the house occupied by the secretary of the region Party committee. The Party boss summoned an expert on insects and asked him how to get rid of bedbugs. The expert said, "The best way is to organize a collective farm for bedbugs. Then half of them will flee, and the rest will croak."

Khrushchev visited a pig farm and was photographed there. In a newspaper's office, a discussion is under way what should be the caption under the picture.
"Comrade Khrushchev among pigs," "Comrade Khrushchev and pigs," "Pigs around comrade Khrushchev," -- all is rejected. Finally the editor makes the decision. The caption is "The third from left - comrade Khrushchev."

Some of these are hilarious

 

[Gelion]

Knew all of them except one before last!

 

[Yeekim]

Knew all of them except one before last!

You clearly should contribute to this thread more!

 

[Gelion]

I prefer to read. You are doing a great job!