Trotsky walks into a bar.....

[Mirc]

^ Great one, I remember the same one in our variant with Ceausescu.


A large group of students was waiting to be "apportioned" (I'm not sure if the same term is used in English, it is the event that followed getting an university degree - everyone was apportioned to a certain job according to their marks, where they would be forced to go).

- One guy finished with 7.10 (out of 10) so he was given a place in Dikson. He stands up and he says: "I would like to thank the socialist regime for not apportioning me in Novaya Zemlya".

- Another guy finished with 6.20 so he was given a place in Magadan. He stands up and says: "I would like to thank the socialist regime for not apportioning me in Kamchatka".

- The third guy finished with 5.01 so he was given a place in a town with a population of 200, near Provideniya*. Everyone is wondering who he's going to thank. He stands up and says: "I would like to thank the Tsarist government for selling Alaska to America!"




(you gotta know a bit of geography to understand this )
* far, far northeast of Russia, an almost unpopulated place

 

[lutzj]

Trotsky walks into a bar and orders it razed because sober workers are more efficient. That's the entire freaking joke.

 

[Deep Thought]

1917:
1918:
1919:
1920:
1921:
1922:
1923:
1924:
1925-1988:
1989:
1990:
1991:

I know. It's lame.

 

[Echse]

"Have you heard what the first prize is for the best political joke?"
"No"
"25 years!"

A man walks into the Lenin mausoleum. A guard comes around and says:" Don´t be afraid Lenin is dead but his ideas will live on" The man replies:"I wish it would be the other way around"

What is the most neutral contry in the world?
The Czechoslovakia of course. They are so neutral they don´t even interfere in their own internal politics.

 

[Gelion]

Russia:
1913. Policeman takes a communist to prison, both silent
1917. Communist takes a policeman to prison, both silent.
1937. Communist and policeman are in prison, both silent.
1991. Former communist sells cakes at a market, former policeman passes by: "Did our Tsar forbid you to sell cakes?"

Also, can anyone explain me why political jokes in the former eastern block are exactly the same? IIRC there was not much interact between people...

 

[dagothar]

Also, can anyone explain me why political jokes in the former eastern block are exactly the same? IIRC there was not much interact between people...

Wasn't there? People used to travel and trade between countries and the whole socialist block was rather confined. I would say people were even more sociable than now because it was sure easier then if you helped each other and most of the people had same hard time.
The same conditions seem to generate the same kind of jokes too.
Also, you wouldn't believe how fast can a joke circulate the globe.

 

[Prebral]

The Chinese declare war on Czechoslovakia.
Both president Husák and chief of the party Jakeš run for their lives through streets of Prague. Husák hides in a trash bin, Jakeš runs further and the Chinese capture him.
As they are leading him along the trash bin, Jakeš knocks on it and says:
"Hey, Gustav, get out. Some bastard denounced you."

A Czech catches a golden fish, known in Russian fairy tales for fulfiling wishes to her benefactors. The fish says:
"If you release me, I will fulfil you three wishes."
So he does and the fish asks again: "So, man, what are your wishes?"
The fisherman thinks a lot and then says:
"I wish all Chinese to come to our country and leave."
The fish replies:
"OK, strange, but it may be. What is your second wish?"
"I wish all Chinese to come to our country and leave again."
The fish replies:
"OK. And your last wish? Think carefuly..."
"I wish all Chinese to come to our country and leave."
"OK. Your wishes are granted. But may I know, why do you want this?"
"They will cross the Soviet Union for six times."

Why did Brezhnev die?
His eyebrows got a short-circuit.

Two Slovakian shepherds are standing each on a different mountain and one of them suddenly cries over the valley:
"HEY, Brezhnev iz dead!"
"Whaet?"
"BREZHNEV iz DEAD!"
"Whaet?"
"BREZHNEV iz DEAD! Are ye deaf or whaet?"
"Nae, but like hearink it."

A winter morning. First Czech communist president Klement Gottwald opens a window of his mansion at the Prague castle and looks down below on the pure white snow. But behold! There is a yellow track of urine and it forms letters... not letters, a sentence!
"KLEMENT IS AN IDIOT!"
Gottwald bursts in rage and summons chiefs of secret police:
"I want to know, who is responsible. And I want to know it now!"
After an hour, the secret policemen return and one of them says:
"Comrade Gottwald, we have analysed the urine. There is no doubt, that it is urine of comrade Slánský."
"I should have expected this! Begin preparing a trial!"
But then, suddenly, another policeman says, mumbling a bit:
"Comrade Gottwald, but there is a... problem."
"Is it? Speak!"
"We have analysed the handwriting too. It turned out... Well, it belongs to your wife."

Brezhnev leaves the politburo for a while and goes to have a bit rest for few days in his cabin. But a week passess and he still does not return. Other party chiefs grow nervous and suspicious, nobody fully dares to articulate the possibility that something might have happened, but they slowly come to an agreement, that they will pay him a friendly visit to ensure that everything is ok.
But as they come out of their Volhas at the place, they find no one. The cabin is opened, there is unread Pravda in the mail, an opened bottle of vodka and a can of cucumbers are on the table, television is on, but Brezhnev is nowhere to be found.
The comrades decide to search for him, form a group and enter a vast birch forest which grows close to the cabin. They walk about an hour, but do not see anything at least a bit similar to Brezhnev, so they ask a squirrel:
"Little quirrel, comrade, veverushka, have you seen comrade Brezhnev in the last days? Do you know him?"
The squirrel replies:
"I do know him, comrades. Who would not know comrade Brezhnev! But I have not seen him, go and ask a hare. He runs all over the forest, maybe he has seen comrade Brezhnev."
So the party chiefs continue their quest for Brezhnev and soon meet a hare:
"Hare, young pioneer, zaychik, have you seen comrade Brezhnev? Big ears you have, over forest you run, maybe a help should you lend to the party cause?"
The hare replies:
"Oh, comrades, you ask if I have seen comrade Brezhnev? No, I have not, comrades. I would like, for I keep his image in my heart, but I have not seen him for over a year! But ask the fox. She is smart, maybe she knows at least a rumor about him..."
The party chiefs walk on through the forest deep and grass high till they find a fox's den. They knock on a wood and suddenly a fox head appears:
"Honoured be the Work, comrades. What do you need?"
"Ah, fox, lisichka, a clever one, in these forests we walk, comrade Brezhnev we seek, answer us, do you know, where he can be found?"
The fox thinks a bit and then replies:
"Hm... I do not know. But try to ask the bear. He s*its medals for three days already."

 

[WerBackIII]

Fidel Castro died. He knocked on the heaven's door and St. Peter opened.

- With that communism and poorness in your country, I won't let you in.
- Please, st. Peter, let me in...
- No, you must go to Lucifer.

St. Peter took Castro in hell, and left him there. Later, Fidel went to see the Devil.
- Please, devil, let me go to heaven to take my luggage.
- You can't leave hell, I'll sent 2 demons.

The demons went, but it was 8 pm and the Heaven already had close doors. What to do, what to do, the demons jumped over the fence, but st. Peter saw them, and thought:

"When Castro went to hell, when emigrates started coming..."

 

[warpus]

Johnny gets home, runs to his dad, and excitedly proclaims: "Daddy, daddy, the Russians have landed on the moon!"

To this, the dad responds: "All of them?"

Son: "No, just two"

Dad: "Oh.. Well, who cares then?"

Racist or communist? You decide

 

[RedRalph]

Johnny gets home, runs to his dad, and excitedly proclaims: "Daddy, daddy, the Russians have landed on the moon!"

To this, the dad responds: "All of them?"

Son: "No, just two"

Dad: "Oh.. Well, who cares then?"

Racist or communist? You decide

Xenophobic.

 

[Prebral]

Western journalists come to Moscow for an interview with Stalin and one of them asks:
"Comrade Stalin, your country is often criticised because of lack of freedom of speech. What is your personal opinion on this issue?"
Stalin replies:
"Well, I do not mind, really. I like freedom of speech, I even actually collect political jokes about myself!"
"Oh, now that is interesting! And how many jokes do you already have?"
"About three camps."


Czechoslovakia, 1953.
Two men meet in a prison and both claim to be "politicals". One asks:
"So, why are you here? And how many years will you have to stay?"
"Ten years. Laziness."
"You are kidding! People usually get only three for that!"
"Well, I am here for ten years because of laziness, really. I was in a pub with a friend of mine. We were telling each other political jokes. But I took another hour of sleep the next morning and he denounced me first..."

 

[Rambuchan]

At a party meeting in Moscow, a heated debate is taking place. Throughout it one usually outspoken member is very quiet. He is turned to and asked: "Come now tovarish, surely you have an opinion on this grave matter?"

"Yes", he replies, "I do have an opinion. It's just...I don't agree with it."

----

"Did you hear?" said one man in the street to another, "Stalin has announced a prize for the best political joke – 25 years."

Xenophobic.

Indeed. It's solely about hating Russians. One can simply replace "Russian" with "N!gger" and it still works.

 

[nonconformist]

Indeed. It's solely about hating Russians. One can simply replace "Russian" with "N!gger" and it still works.

Allow me to step in on Warpus's behalf here since I expect this is how he sees it.

Warpus is a Pole, and obviously Poland was occupied by the Russians, so it's not racist, as much as it's polish "revenge" for the occupation through humour

 

[Rambuchan]

Oh well. My apologies then. I didn't know that "Johnny" being a particularly Polish name.

 

[nonconformist]

It's abbreviated from Jzrzkzkryryrkzezkzxsmolek

 

[scy12]

Due to law of nature God would take an absence from the world and disappear for a while. To do so he should have chose a Heir. He was Choosing from all ages and places until his list narrowed to three people : Stalin , a piece of sand and a dog. He timelessly started to examine them. The examination procedure was basically asking three questions in which incorporated all the wisdom in the world necessary for them.

The three questions that was asked to the four dogs was the following Two.

Question A) Why are you my equal ?

The sand did nothing.


Stalin enthusiastically replied . I am your equal because i managed the perfect Utopia of equality , happiness and Prosperity but i am only willing to give it to them after their life has ended in the future.

Both the sand and Stalin passed the test. And they did such a Good job God never came back.

A few weeks after , Satan allowed the creation of corporations which started selling invitations to torture shows . Money flourished in Hell. Those sinners then started trading with each others than with God. Eventually the more crafty of them became rich and introduced more efficient tools at their subject of expertise.

And this is how Capitalism was created my child. A Brethren of Satan who dared to oppose the one true Stalin.


(The first chapter of the communist Bible that is introduced to all children of the glorious United Soviet Republics.)

 

[scy12]

What is the ultimate communist answer to the ultimate question ?

Student : Teacher i know that you requested this rounding the circle affair but why i am constantly making it wrong ?

Teacher : You are not making it wrong my son you just have not yet achieved to make it right.

 

[scy12]

A magical Jini appears in a communist country and asks two communists to grant them three wishes each.
Anyway the Jini is killed because that is illegal.

 

[scy12]

A woman requests the help of her friend at which would be the best way to dump an annoying suitor. She says : I have concluded to use a catchphrase similar to " I would never have dated with you even if we where the last two people on earth " only a bit more far fetched. I have actually found two catchphrases which give that meaning and i can't decide on which to use.

Please tell me , what is the most possible scenario of the two , Hell to freeze over or Communism to work ?

Neither of the two could find an answer.

 

[Prebral]

Allow me to step in on Warpus's behalf here since I expect this is how he sees it.

Warpus is a Pole, and obviously Poland was occupied by the Russians, so it's not racist, as much as it's polish "revenge" for the occupation through humour

I can agree. I am Czech and there were not many "Soviets" in Czech jokes, if a representant of a Soviet Union was part of the joke, he was usually refered as "a Russian". Soviet Union, which claimed to be multinational etc., was perceived as Russian-dominated, which it was. Of course, these jokes often combined aspects of the communist system with national stereotypes (Russians being permanently drunk etc.), but if you are occupied, you usually do not incline to political corectness.

A typical example can be something like this:

What is nationality of Amor?
Russian. He has a naked bottom, weapon in hand and mouth full of love.

But I prefer jokes over flames, so here are few more...

An American astronaut reports from space, just before landing on the Moon surface:
"Houston, we have a problem. Russians were here and they have painted whole Moon red!"
Houston replies:
"OK, boys. This is a critical event, but we have anticipated this. Open the container n.Z32. It contains white paint and detailed description of the Coca Cola logo. You know, what to do."

An old lady comes into a bureau of National Commitee ("Národní výbor", a municipal office in communist Czechoslovakia) and shouts:
"Heil Hitler!"
A clerk reminds her kindly:
"Grandma, you must be mistaken a bit, are you not? We have a new, socialist era, the war is over. Times have changed!"
The old lady gives him a stern look:
"Times may have changed, but you, my dear, are still the same!"

Ronald Reagan and Gustáv Husák (last Czechoslovak communist president) meet and talk about elections:
Reagan: "According to statistics, fifteen million people want to vote against me. But I will still win!"
Husák replies happily: "Same with me!"

Gustáv Husák leaves the Prague Castle and walks the streets aimlessly. Sometimes, he stops, picks up a stone, puts it into his pocket and slowly continues forward. His secretary is disturbed by this strange behavior and fears, that the president became crazy, so dials Moscow for advice.
Brezhnev himself answers the call. As the secretary describes the problem
he replies:
"Oh, we will have this fixed in a moment."
"Really? How?"
"We have just accidentally mistaken lines for Prague presidental office and the Lunokhod control center."

An old Gypsy is going to die, but he calls a communist apparatchik instead of a priest to his bed, claiming that he wants to enter the Party.
His relatives reply: "Oh, why? You were free as a wind, clever, independent, a believing christian. The Party has persecuted you and all of us! Why, grandfather, why?!"
"When someone has to die, let it be a communist!"