A Soviet judge walks out of the courtroom, barely managing to suppress his wild laughter.
A colleague asks, "What is it you’re laughing about?"
"Well, I just heard a great joke," the judge says.
"A joke? Tell me!"
"Are you crazy? I just sentenced the author to ten years of hard labor for telling that joke!"
Soviet worker to another: 'When communism eventually arrives, every citizen of our glorious country will get to use a plane to fly wherever he needs, for free!
"Are you crazy? What the hell would you need that for?'
'Well, imagine that suddenly you learn that, say, toilet paper is being given out in Vladivostok. Fly for few hours--and you'll be there!'
Alexander the Great, Caesar and Napoleon observed the army parade in Red Square, as honorable visitors.
'If I had Soviet tanks,' Alexander said, 'I would have been invincible!'
'If I had Soviet planes,' Caesar speaks, 'I could have conquered the whole world!'
'And if I had had the newspaper "Pravda" ("Truth"),' Napoleon said, 'the world, even now, would not have found out about Waterloo!'
A lawyer, a surgeon, a builder and a communist were having an argument about whose trade was older.
'When God condemned Adam and Eve and exiled them from paradise,' said the lawyer, 'that was a legal act! So my profession is the oldest.'
'But please,' the surgeon said, 'before that God created Eve from Adam's rib. And that was a surgical operation! So my profession is older.'
'Forgive me,' said the builder, 'but a little bit earlier than that God created the world, he constructed it. So my profession is the oldest. Because as is known, there was only chaos before that.'
'And who created chaos?' the communist exclaimed triumphantly. 'Certainly, we communists!'
Soviet worker comes home and finds his wife in bed with a lover.
'Masha! Here you are engaged in nonsense again, when the shop down three blocks is actually selling sausages!"
What's the difference between socialism and capitalism?
Under capitalism one person exploits another person, and under socialism - the opposite.
Soviet worker is walking along the street in one boot.
'Have you lost a boot?' a passer-by asks.
'On the contrary - I've found one!'
A passerby asks a man with a roll of toilet paper, 'Tell me please, where did you get that toilet paper?'
'I've just come from the dry-cleaners.'
Before the Great October Revolution, people of Chukotka only had two feelings: they felt cold and hungry.
Afterwards they had three: they felt cold, hungry and endlessly grateful to Communist party of USSR!
What's the difference between a Christian and a Communist?
The Christian hopes to get to Paradise after death, and the Communist - to be posthumously rehabilitated.
(in the same vein: After Khruschev's famous speech regarding cruelty of Stalin's regime and dismantling his personal cult, a bouquet of flowers appeared on Stalin's grave with message: "To the posthumously repressed from those posthumously rehabilitated...")
An Englishman, a Frenchman and a Russian once shared their opinions on what was happiness.
'I test happiness,' said the Englishman, 'when in the winter, after good hunting I come back home and with a glass of good brandy, I settle down in an armchair opposite a roaring fire.'
'For me happiness,' said the Frenchman, 'is when I'm in a good restaurant eating good food and drinking good wine in the company of a fine woman, and then - a night of passion.'
'How you understand happiness!' exclaims the Russian. 'For me happiness is when, after a wearisome workday, I come into my room in my communal home, where I live together with my wife, my two children and the mother-in-law, and during the night there is a loud knock at the door, and I open it, and on the threshold are two threatening looking creatures standing there and ask me "Are you citizen Paramonov?" and I answer them: "He's not here, Paramonov lives a floor above!" Now there is true happiness!'
Why do KGB men always walk in threes? Because only one can read, while the another can write. The third, however, is there to keep his eye on the two intellectuals...".
A colleague asks, "What is it you’re laughing about?"
"Well, I just heard a great joke," the judge says.
"A joke? Tell me!"
"Are you crazy? I just sentenced the author to ten years of hard labor for telling that joke!"
Soviet worker to another: 'When communism eventually arrives, every citizen of our glorious country will get to use a plane to fly wherever he needs, for free!
"Are you crazy? What the hell would you need that for?'
'Well, imagine that suddenly you learn that, say, toilet paper is being given out in Vladivostok. Fly for few hours--and you'll be there!'
Alexander the Great, Caesar and Napoleon observed the army parade in Red Square, as honorable visitors.
'If I had Soviet tanks,' Alexander said, 'I would have been invincible!'
'If I had Soviet planes,' Caesar speaks, 'I could have conquered the whole world!'
'And if I had had the newspaper "Pravda" ("Truth"),' Napoleon said, 'the world, even now, would not have found out about Waterloo!'
A lawyer, a surgeon, a builder and a communist were having an argument about whose trade was older.
'When God condemned Adam and Eve and exiled them from paradise,' said the lawyer, 'that was a legal act! So my profession is the oldest.'
'But please,' the surgeon said, 'before that God created Eve from Adam's rib. And that was a surgical operation! So my profession is older.'
'Forgive me,' said the builder, 'but a little bit earlier than that God created the world, he constructed it. So my profession is the oldest. Because as is known, there was only chaos before that.'
'And who created chaos?' the communist exclaimed triumphantly. 'Certainly, we communists!'
Soviet worker comes home and finds his wife in bed with a lover.
'Masha! Here you are engaged in nonsense again, when the shop down three blocks is actually selling sausages!"
What's the difference between socialism and capitalism?
Under capitalism one person exploits another person, and under socialism - the opposite.
Soviet worker is walking along the street in one boot.
'Have you lost a boot?' a passer-by asks.
'On the contrary - I've found one!'
A passerby asks a man with a roll of toilet paper, 'Tell me please, where did you get that toilet paper?'
'I've just come from the dry-cleaners.'
Before the Great October Revolution, people of Chukotka only had two feelings: they felt cold and hungry.
Afterwards they had three: they felt cold, hungry and endlessly grateful to Communist party of USSR!
What's the difference between a Christian and a Communist?
The Christian hopes to get to Paradise after death, and the Communist - to be posthumously rehabilitated.
(in the same vein: After Khruschev's famous speech regarding cruelty of Stalin's regime and dismantling his personal cult, a bouquet of flowers appeared on Stalin's grave with message: "To the posthumously repressed from those posthumously rehabilitated...")
An Englishman, a Frenchman and a Russian once shared their opinions on what was happiness.
'I test happiness,' said the Englishman, 'when in the winter, after good hunting I come back home and with a glass of good brandy, I settle down in an armchair opposite a roaring fire.'
'For me happiness,' said the Frenchman, 'is when I'm in a good restaurant eating good food and drinking good wine in the company of a fine woman, and then - a night of passion.'
'How you understand happiness!' exclaims the Russian. 'For me happiness is when, after a wearisome workday, I come into my room in my communal home, where I live together with my wife, my two children and the mother-in-law, and during the night there is a loud knock at the door, and I open it, and on the threshold are two threatening looking creatures standing there and ask me "Are you citizen Paramonov?" and I answer them: "He's not here, Paramonov lives a floor above!" Now there is true happiness!'
Why do KGB men always walk in threes? Because only one can read, while the another can write. The third, however, is there to keep his eye on the two intellectuals...".
