Trotsky walks into a bar.....

[Yeekim]

I prefer to read. You are doing a great job!

Hey, I am but one man!

Stirlitz wakes up with a tremendous headache and finds out he has been thrown into a cell.
"Has my cover been blown? Who got me? Which name should I use?" - he wonders. - "Let's see. In case they wear black uniforms, I'll say I'm Standartenführer Stirlitz. If they wear green uniforms, I'm Colonel Isayev". The door opens and a policeman in a blue uniform comes in saying: "You really should ease up on vodka, Comrade Tikhonov!

Spoiler :

In case you do not know - Vyacheslav Vasilyevich Tikhonov was a famous Soviet actor, one of whose best roles was that of Stirlitz - a Soviet spy in Nazi Germany.

 

[dagothar]

On anniversary of Pushkin's death a contest was announced to design a monument properly honouring this great man.
A monument of Pushkin reading Lenin's works won 3rd prize.
A statue of Lenin reading Pushkin's works won 2nd prize.
1st prize was for a monument of Lenin reading Lenin's works.

 

[Yeekim]

From "Peoples of Soviet Union" subtopic:

Moscow. Nightclub. Night. A stunningly beautiful girl is having a drink, when an Estonian guy tries his best pickup-line on her. The babe coldly looks upon him, and asks: "Who do you think you are, a smartass like Holmes or a wiseguy like Watson?". The Estonian backs off ashamed.
Soon a Russian tries similar approach, and is likewise rebuffed.
Finally, a Georgian maneuvers himself next to the girl and throws his best one-liner.
Again, the girl asks: "Who the hell do YOU think you are? A smartass like Holmes? Or a wiseguy like Watson?"
"Oh," sighs the brave djigit. "I am neither a smartass like Holmes nor a wiseguy like Watson... But to make up for it, I can *ss-f**k like the damn Hound of Baskervilles!"

 

[Yeekim]

Soviet engineer is sent to an assignment in another SSR.
Comes evening, he calls his wife and at the end of the call wishes a good night.
"Sleep tight!"
"What?"
"Tight."
"Can't hear you!"
"Damn, TIGHT! Timothy, Ian, George, Homer, Timothy!"
"But why twice with Timothy, is he your boss or what?"

Above translation mine, original dialogue in Russian:

Spoiler :

"Spi s bogom!"
"S kem?"
"S bogom!"*
"Ne slyshu!"
"S bogom! Bljat - gavarju po bukvam - Boris, Oleg, Gennadi, Oleg, Mihhail!"
"A pochemu s Olegom dva raza, on tvoi nachalnik chto-li?!"

*"Sleep with God!"
"With whom?"
"With God!"

 

[Lone Wolf]

The grammatical difference between "Спи с богом!" which is literally translated as "Sleep with God!" and neutral "Sleep tight!" takes a lot of bite from that one.

 

[Yeekim]

The grammatical difference between "Спи с богом!" which is literally translated as "Sleep with God!" and neutral "Sleep tight!" takes a lot of bite from that one.

Yeah, that is the problem with translations...

 

[Bushface]

A Czech goes into the police station and tells the desk sergeant "Two Swiss soldiers have just stolen my Russian watch". The sergeant says "You mean two Russian soldiers have stolen your Swiss watch !". The Czech says "You said that: I didn't".

At a school in Nijny-Novgorod the teacher asks the children to give a sentence containing a dependent clause. Young Ivan comes up with "Our cat has just had a litter of kittens, all of which are good communists". The teacher is delighted and tells Ivan to remember that for when the Education Commissar visits in a fortnight's time, but during that visit Ivan says "Our cat has just had a litter of kittens, all of which are good western capitalists". The teacher, horrified, says "But a fortnight ago they were communists !". "True", replied Ivan, "but their eyes are open now."

A Czech was asked if he considered the Russiians his friends or his brothers, and immediately replied "Brothers". When asked why, he said "Because we choose our friends".

Another Czech joke: what's the difference between a tank and a Trabant ? In a Trabant, you go to your friend's . . .

Why do the newspapers Pravda ("truth") and Izvestia ("news") have those names? Because there is no izvestia in Pravda and no pravda in Izvestia.

 

[Yeekim]

I will not let this thread die!
Need to shift the focus a bit, though.
So: Jokes regarding former Soviet Union

Original:

Spoiler :

По Грузии прошли слухи, что русские собираются повесить Саакашвили.
-Михаил Никулозович, все веревки по всей Грузии собрали и уничтожили !
-А провода?
-Все перекусили !
-А шнурки?
-Порезали
-Завязки у кальсон ?
-Оборвали и спрятали !
-Ф-ф-у-у....пронесло...О ! Черт побери, галстук ! ! !

Translation:
In Georgia, rumors abound that Russians intend to hang Saakashvili.
[Advisor] - Mikhail Nikulozovich, all ropes from all of Georgia have been gathered and destroyed!
[Saakashvili] - But wires?
- Gnawed through!
- Laces?
- Cut!
- Rubber bands from underpants?
- Pulled put and hidden!
- Whe--ew, that was clo... Oh sh*t! The necktie!

Appropriate GIF:
http://i355.photobucket.com/albums/r476/neverknwo/eatinghisnecktie.gif

 

[Yeekim]

And now for something a bit more up-to-date:

"Why does Ukraine need to pay so much for gas?"
Putin: "Ukraine receives gas much earlier than Europe, therefore it is much more fresh..."

Original:

Spoiler :

- Почему Украина должна платить за газ так много?
Путин:
- Украина получает газ намного раньше Европы и, значит, более свежим.

 

[Gelion]

Another one taken straight from KVN:
Fanta company has stopped the transfer of Fanta through Ukraine's territory. They were lifting the gas from it!

 

[Fei Kelei]

A child and his father driving in glorious Soviet-made automobile were struck by evil capitalist scum hit-and-run driver. The father dies, and the son is seriously injured. With excellent efficiency and proud spirit, medical personnel of the Motherland arrive for take boy to hospital. When he arrive at surgical room, however, the doctor says "I cannot operate on child here, he is son of mine."

Obviously, the doctor was his mother. Soviet Union not have capitalist sexism, for we are great and progressive nation serving all the workers!

The doctor was shot for refusal to carry out duty to Motherland.

P.S.- Speaking of Soviet Russia, where were the servers hosting this website made?

 

[SS-18 ICBM]

Midnight Petrograd... A night watch spots a shadow trying to sneak by. "Stop! Who goes there? Documents!" The frightened person chaotically shuffles through his pockets and drops a paper. A soldier picks it up and reads slowly, with difficulty: "U.ri.ne A.na.ly.sis"... "Hmm... a foreigner, sounds like..." "A spy, looks like.... Let's shoot him on the spot!" Then reads further: "'Proteins: none, Sugars: none, Fats: none...' You are free to go, proletarian comrade! Long live the World revolution!"

 

[Gelion]

A child and his father driving in glorious ....

There were no capitalist hit-and-run drivers in glorious Soviet Russia. Thank you for your idiotic input

 

[Mirc]

Apart from how amazingly logical it is to refuse to perform surgery on your own child.

 

[Gelion]

Apart from how amazingly logical it is to refuse to perform surgery on your own child.

It is actually Doctors tend not to cure their friends and family - the emotions are too strong to be rational about the curing.

 

[Yeekim]

There were no capitalist hit-and-run drivers in glorious Soviet Russia. Thank you for your idiotic input

Nah, just admit you do not understand Chinese humor...

Spoiler :

In this case, neither do I, actually

 

[Fei Kelei]

There were no capitalist hit-and-run drivers in glorious Soviet Russia. Thank you for your idiotic input

Jeez, is this not a joke thread?

Nah, just admit you do not understand Chinese humor...

In this case, neither do I, actually

I definitely don't understand Chinese humor and I've been here more than a year already. My post had nothing to do with China, though. Have you never heard the original riddle?

A man and his son are driving in a car one day, when they get into a fatal accident. The man is killed instantly, but the boy remains alive, though he is badly injured and unconscious. He is rushed to hospital and needs immediate surgery. The doctor enters the emergency room, looks at the boy, and says, "I can't operate on this boy. This is my son!"

How is this possible?

Spoiler :

The doctor is the boy's mother. This riddle has been told for a long time to illustrate common gender stereotypes. Quite a few people fail to get past the stereotype of thinking "doctor" implies "man" when they first hear it, though probably fewer now than say, 30 years ago.

Anyway, I came across the Soviet version yesterday on another message board and thought it was hilarious, so I posted it here. I guess I thought the riddle was pretty well known.

 

[SS-18 ICBM]

"Soviet nuclear bombs are 25% more efficient than the Atomic Bombs of the probable adversary. American bombs have 4 zones of effect: A, B, C, D, while ours have five: А, Б, В, Г, Д!"

 

[Mirc]

Spoiler :

The doctor is the boy's mother. This riddle has been told for a long time to illustrate common gender stereotypes. Quite a few people fail to get past the stereotype of thinking "doctor" implies "man" when they first hear it, though probably fewer now than say, 30 years ago.

Ha!
In some languages, like mine, "doctor" is specifically the male form of the word, so it's normal that I wouldn't think of a woman upon reading "doctor", just as an English speaking person would not think of a man when reading "actress".

 

[Gelion]

Jeez, is this not a joke thread?

Its been years since I heard the original and the new version struck me as rather.... shallow Nevermind