What if Civilization was created by...

[Firestorm94]

(bolface mine)

Mmmmm....tiles made completely of cake....would produce +100000000000000 food.

Anyhoo,

Will Wright: Would make many new concepts and an overall good game, but then would release approximately 10,000 expansion packs.

desert (i always get them confused)

 

[The Fishman]

EA games: You never get to see what the game is actually like until you play it. All the pictures on the box and on the adverts are just pre-rendered exciting-looking scenes full of units and leaders that don't even exist in the game, all in super-fine quality with HDI lighting and volumetric air.

Bioware: You have to conquer four other civs to win, then take over another fifth, where you discover that Montezuma is building his SoDs with the help of some kind of ancient technology, which you have to destroy (surprise surprise) at the end of the game. If you do nice, ethical things you get light side points, and get to run democracy. If you raze too many cities you get dark side points and are rewarded by unlocking fascism.

Lucas Arts:
You can only move one unit per turn, and when you attack another unit it goes into and FPS mode where you have to run around as one of the soldiers whacking people over the head with your mace. If you whack enough enemies, you get a leader bonus, where you get to run around as your leader, then get shot and killed straight away.

Bungie: They would make Civ 1, and it would be really popular and everybody would love them. Thinking that since they are already the best they don't have to bother any more, they will make two awful sequels. Luckily for them everybody will think the sequels are the best thing since sliced bread, because if the first game was so good, how could the new ones be bad?

 

[Graceheart the Leopard]

LIVE! LIVVEE! LIIIIIVVVVEEEEEE!

Games Workshop: Every civilization game would cost several hundred dollars and the prices would be raised every year.

Hidekaz Himaruya: See Axis Powers Hetalia.

James Joyce: Every piece of written word is written in a mishmash of 5 dozen languages and the soundtrack consists solely of Irish folk music put through so many Audacity filters that it's unrecognizable.

National Socialist Party: You can only play as Germany and you immediately DOW every civ you meet.

Richard Dawkins: Absolutely no religion related buildings or techs whatsoever.

 

[Jouzou]

René Goscinny:
- The Celts are allowed to have only one city (OCC or not and whether controlled by human or AI), but nobody can conquer it. Also, privateers are afraid of them.
- The only message that the Ottoman leader gets from his advisors is: "I want to become Caliph instead of the Caliph".
- The American leaders sometimes say that their crime rate has dropped significantly thanks to some "poor lonesome cowboy".

 

[choxorn]

Jagex: The game is free, but you have to pay to go beyond the Ancient Age and get all the civilizations.
Treyarch: The same as a game made by a different company, but worse, and also there's zombies.
Harmonix: You need to buy more controllers for the game, and you can also buy even more controllers to actually do things like fight with a sword.
Zynga: The game is somehow even more addictive than it currently is, and it's also a lot shorter.

 

[W|M]

Harmonix: ...you can also buy even more controllers to actually do things like fight with a sword.

I would love to have that!

 

[Thorvald of Lym]

Bohemia Interactive: The début title Civilization is a masterpiece of its genre and remains unequalled for five years. A special version of the game engine is sold to national armed forces worldwide. Sequels have better physics and graphics, but due to a falling out with the publisher the franchise is renamed; the publisher creates spinoffs under the original title on a different engine with a more "mainstream" atmosphere. Despite being ten years old, it still has a vibrant modding community that continues to exploit the hell out of the game engine.

 

[choxorn]

The last sentence is true with the game as it is now.

 

[SamSniped]

Paradox Interactive: There would be a ton of in-depth features, including leaders who can die, a better economy system, and more nat-
Oh. EU3

 

[salty mud]

Google: Every move, decision and mouse click will be recorded and stored for an improved customer experience.

 

[Alexius08]

Michael Bay: Weapons of melee units and classical-era naval units are also rigged with explosives.
Billy Mays: Overuse of alliteration and all caps throughout the interface. Volume could neither be turned down nor muted.
Toaplan: Original version is in Japanese, which is poorly translated into English.
Oliver Hirschbiegel: Defeated AI leaders would deliver rants lasting for at least 3 minutes. Rants may be lengthened by causing more war weariness to the AI leaders' respective civilizations.
Clint Mansell/Vangelis: Greatly-improved diplo themes and background music.

 

[Civ'ed]

Jeremy Soule: Medieval music would be awesome and that's about it then. (Because only Jeremy Soule made it)
...
Svip (the Ulm guy): Ulm is playable and is much more epic than anyone else.

 

[Graceheart the Leopard]

Correction: ANCIENT and Medieval music.

 

[Alexius08]

Christopher Nolan: A game within a game within a game within a game...

 

[Civ'ed]

Murphy of Law fame: THe game will not work.

 

[Thorvald of Lym]

Murphy of Law fame: THe game will not work.

Alternatively, Spearman beats Tank every time, except when it's your spearman.

 

[Civ'ed]

Wait, another one:
Sheogorath: The Wabbajack is now a unit. And your empire is split in half.
Also, at the end of the game, you'll end up destroying it and starting over.

 

[Tahuti]

David Lynch: Civilization is a mind- game that has at least one cut-scene in which a woman stands on stage, features car-chase scenes that usually have a few collisions and also has a few obligatory cutscenes that do not follow with the rest of the game. On top of that, it also has an intricately designed sound-design composed by none less than Angelo Badalamenti.

Kurt Vonnegut: Tralmafadorians feature as the Modern-Age successor to barbarians.

Umberto Eco: For each unit movement and city decision, there is a conspiracy behind it.

Stanley Kubrick: Leaderheads obsessively stare at you all the time.

Blizzard: Everyone knows at least someone who plays this MMORTS. Also, we civ-fans are so addicted, that we don't even have time to post on Civfanatics!

Sisyphus: Everytime you move a unit, it moves back to where it came from once you end the turn.

 

[CivCube]

Ice Pick Lodge: You already know the final score when you start the game, win or lose. Each turn starts with a soliloquy on man's arrogant futility, delivered by the eyeless husk of your chosen leaderhead. Any progress you make deletes a random choice made in the previous turn. Diplomacy is especially depressing; when a deal is made, both leaders sigh and look away, the end already in their eyes.

In 2050, an unexpected plague wipes out 99% of the map's population and cities. You're reduced to a single settler again. As the ending cutscene plays, you see two words rubbed on his forehead in charcoal: no coda.

 

[Civ'ed]

Francis Bacon: Normal but OMG WHAT THE HECK IS THAT AAARGH IT'S GONNA KILL MY EYES...