You+Battleaxe vs. Terror Bird

[Archbob]

So I teleport you back into pre-historic times bout 45 million years ago with a battleaxe right in front of a very hungry terror bird, Gastornis(http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gastornis). You must fight it to the death.

Would you survive or will you become bird-food?

 

[Princeps]

I'd deep fry that bird

 

[Adrogans]

I'd win, but would be hurt I imagine.

 

[Mad Man]

I'll be the first to open a Pangean Fried Gastornis

 

[Truronian]

If I cut of it's head with my first swing:
I win.

Otherwise:
I lose.

 

[holy king]

i'd freeze so it cant see me.

 

[Bill3000]

I would win, because I've had battle axe lessons with Dolph Hauldhagen the Instructor.

 

[Luckymoose]

I would forget the axe and run up the nearest tree.

 

[Rashiminos]

For the sake of argument, what's the axe made out of?

 

[Phlegmak]

So I teleport you back into pre-historic times bout 45 million years ago with a battleaxe right in front of a very hungry terror bird, Gastornis(http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gastornis). You must fight it to the death.

Would you survive or will you become bird-food?

I kill you with the axe before you teleport me. Then I steal your invention and make billions.

 

[Masquerouge]

Bah.

Classically, Gastornis has been depicted as predatory. However, with the size of Gastornis legs, the bird would have had to have been more agile to catch fast-moving prey than the fossils suggest it to have been. Consequently, it has been suspected that Gastornis was an ambush hunter and/or used pack hunting techniques to pursue or ambush prey; if Gastornis was a predator, it would have certainly needed some other means of hunting prey through the dense forest.

I would totally win as long as I was not ambushed.

 

[Earthling]

I defeat the bird, then find a way to build a massive carbon dioxide spewing empire for the purpose of confusing future climatologists, who can find no geological or astronomical reasons for the warmth of the globe 45 million years in the past.

 

[Catharsis]

Since the bird is not very agile I would run away until I could find some smaller animals to kill with my battleaxe. Then I would offer them to the Gastornis, thereby gaining its trust. We would pace the prehistoric highways together, slightly awkwardly at first because of the species difference, but then one day a big angry mammal would leap out at me and raise its claw to tear my throat out, when the Gastornis charges at it and headbutts it away from me, stunning it and allowing me to get some battleaxe hits in. From that moment on we would realise that we are kindred spirits, and the bird would even let me ride it around a bit, although not too much because that would be Quite Weird.

It's me, a battleaxe and a 6-foot extinct predator, and it'd be a feel-good buddy comedy.

 

[Masquerouge]

Since the bird is not very agile I would run away until I could find some smaller animals to kill with my battleaxe. Then I would offer them to the Gastornis, thereby gaining its trust. We would pace the prehistoric highways together, slightly awkwardly at first because of the species difference, but then one day a big angry mammal would leap out at me and raise its claw to tear my throat out, when the Gastornis charges at it and headbutts it away from me, stunning it and allowing me to get some battleaxe hits in. From that moment on we would realise that we are kindred spirits, and the bird would even let me ride it around a bit, although not too much because that would be Quite Weird.

It's me, a battleaxe and a 6-foot extinct predator, and it'd be a feel-good buddy comedy.

awesome

And then after a particularly fierce battle the Gastornis would open up a bit about its disturbed past and it will explain a lot about why he is such an aggressive bird!

 

[SS-18 ICBM]

If by "battleaxe" you mean an M4 carbine with an attached M203 grenade launcher, then yes, possibly. Otherwise, no.

 

[Phrossack]

Ah.. I daydream about these sorts of things all day... like bringing a zweihander on a hunting trip to fight off grizzlies, or killing raptors with a halberd, or how well dismounted knights circa 1450 would fare against zombies (quite well, I should think).

A Gastornis isn't terribly large, it shouldn't present much of a problem if I could nail it in the legs. But I'd prefer a two-handed sword.

 

[bigdog5994]

id whoop ass on that thing

 

[Catharsis]

awesome

And then after a particularly fierce battle the Gastornis would open up a bit about its disturbed past and it will explain a lot about why he is such an aggressive bird!

You're good at this! There's a part in this movie for you if you are willing to wear a tiger suit and grow fangs somehow.

Actually no wait, new plan. The battleaxe feels that Gastornis and I are only hanging out with it in order to kill stupid little thorny lizards for food, and not because we enjoy its company. It feels that it is a 'third wheel'. And for a while things are quite frosty in the camp, but then the battleaxe gets kidnapped by a dirty, ugly caveman (Masquerouge)! So we have to go and rescue our good friend the axe, who we always respected but could never pluck up the courage to really tell it that, and then we get a scene when I get on the bird's back and jump over a wide gorge because that's pretty sweet. And the battleaxe realises in captivity that it misses us, and it sings a duet with the caveman because this film is suddenly a musical. Anyway, long story short, there's a fight scene and then the caveman sees the error of his ways, and we all go back forward in time and beat the tar out of Fallen Angel Lord and nick his machine. And then slapstick outtakes.

Dangit, where's LightSpectra when you need him?

 

[bigdog5994]

i think a battleaxe makes it too easy i mean why not just send us back in time with a rocket launcher and ruin all our fun

 

[Earthling]

I don't think it's the battleaxe per se, I think it's just the fact that the bird represents a rather pathetic challenge. For instance, in d&d terms I'd estimate it hardly a threat to even a first level character - it likely would have negligible hitpoints and a bite attack dealing little more than 1d6+2 or so. Anyone capable of effectively weilding a battleaxe should easily be able to effectively dispatch it. In comparison, I would consider this creature more of a challenge:

Spoiler :

Padobear: A truly evil master of deceit and disguise who torments the weak and innocent. Capable of stealthy acts to blend into the societies of humans or other intelligent races. It is an oft found ally of dragons, with whom it barters young prisoners.

Padobear . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Level 16 Elite Brute
Large aberrant beast . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . XP 9001

Initiative +18; Senses Perception +20
HP 337 Bloodied 168
AC 32; Fortitude 28; Reflex 27; Will 31
Immune charm, psychic
Saving throws +4
Speed 6
Action points 1

Claw(Standard, at-will)
Melee 2; +20 vs AC; 2d8 +5 damage

Double attack(Standard, at-will)
Padobear makes two Claw attacks, no more than one attack per target

Slowly move forward (Standard, at-will)
Padobear shifts three squares and gains a +5 power bonus to all defenses until the end of its next turn.

Inescapable Embrace (Standard, at will)
Melee 1; +22 vs Reflex; The target is grabbed by Padobear. The target is stunned and cannot escape the grab through any action of its own; only one target may be grabbed at a time. Padobear may sustain the grab as a minor action and suffers no penalties or effect on other actions from the grab.

Forbidden Domination (Standard, recharge ) Charm
Close burst 10; One female humanoid creature is dominated by Padobear(save ends).

Weave a Web of Lies (Minor, Encounter)
Padobear automatically succeeds on a bluff or diplomacy check.

Disguise Self: When not in combat Padobear may assume the form of another humanoid species. It cannot make use any of its attack powers in this form and may drop the disguise as a free action.

Special:
We Are Legion: Whenever a Padobear is outright slain by enemy action, two others of lower level spring up in its place in far reaches of the world.

Skills:
Stealth +20, Insight +15, others per ability

Alignment: Chaotic Evil Languages: Common,
Str 16 Dex 20 Wis 12
Con 18 Int 14 Cha 34


PC Knowledge Checks:
Streetwise DC 25: Gain knowledge of Padobear's ability to disguise as other humanoids
Nature DC 30: Gain knowledge of immunities, general monster knowledge.
Arcana DC 35: Gain knowledge of We Are Legion racial ability

Just to head off potential concerns, it may not be perfectly balanced for use against your party in an encounter but feel free to share ideas. I hope I'm not infringing on others' original work or copyright